Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell 2012!

By Eric J Baker

 

Brain Chart (Courtesy of Princeton University’s Neuroscience Department)

WASHINGTON DC – Scientists from Princeton University reported yesterday that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and Delaware’s Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate Christine O’Donnell each have 2,012 stupid thoughts per day. Only about five to ten of these thoughts are articulated verbally, say scientists.

“We didn’t think it was possible for people whose heads are crowded with so much nonsense to function in society,” says head researcher Dr. Herbert West. “But there you have it.”

West says these stupid thoughts most likely explain the string of ethics lapses, acts of hypocrisy, and “almost pathological” misunderstanding of civics displayed by both women.

Then how does one account for the financial success and notoriety garnered by Palin and O’Donnell?

“Look, I’m sure the dodo bird was a shrewd animal,” says West.

According to the Princeton report, researchers asked each woman to wear a university-provided thought-reading helmet for ten days. The helmet, constructed from coconuts, a police car flasher, and the rudder from the S.S. Minnow, collects thoughts on a flash drive and sorts them into stupid and non-stupid files. Palin’s least-stupid thoughts came when she was eating Cheerios and putting her shoes on the correct feet. O’Donnell’s occurred when she brushed her teeth using the gentle, short strokes suggested by her dentist.

Despite the apparent effectiveness of the helmet, some are questioning the researchers’ ethics.

“I think these women were duped for the purpose of making Republicans look bad,” House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) told Joe Scarborough, host of MSNBC’s Morning Joe. “They were told it was a ‘GOP purity helmet.’ Then again, if they believed that, I guess they are stupid.”

Boehner did maintain that the Princeton University report is the kind of document that gives fake-news journals easy opportunity to make fun of conservatives.

“The left-wing media bias extends to fake news,” he told Morning Joe viewers. “Where are all the stories making Democrats look bad?”

Is it true that fake-news journalists unfairly target Republicans?

“It’s more complicated than that,” says Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake-news journal, The Avocado. “Anyone who holds extreme views deserves to be mocked. But the far right tends to be more outlandish than the far left. Creation museums where men are depicted riding dinosaurs, airheaded beauty queens holding public office, and people wearing tea-bag hats are just inherently funnier than bloated healthcare bills and amnesty for illegal aliens.”

Perhaps Boehner has a point, though. A quick, unscientific analysis of fake-news articles appearing in The Avocado and its rival journal, The Anvil, shows that conservatives and Republicans tend to be mocked on policy and viewpoint while Democrats and liberals are more often the focus of bizarre, non-political stories. President Obama has shown up in numerous articles published by both journals, but seldom is his leadership the subject of satire.

“I can’t speak for those jokers at The Anvil, who have this bizarre obsession with zombies,” says Bunny, “but the thing with Obama is… how do you make disappointment funny?”

Some on the left are unhappy with Bunny’s comments. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for Congress to pass a new Fairness in Reporting bill that requires every comment critical of Democrats to be balanced by a comment equally critical of Republicans.

When reached for their views on this story, both Palin and O’Donnell said Fox News told them not to talk to reporters or they couldn’t have dessert.

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Sarah Palin admits her “stupid act” has been a running hoax

She’s really the chairperson of Mensa and Harvard’s Dean of Political Science

By Eric J Baker

 

WASILLA, AK – Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted yesterday that her erratic, sometimes bizarre, and often idiotic public behavior during the past three years has been part of an elaborate hoax carried out for a faux documentary that’s being produced and directed by actor Matt Damon.

“I just can’t go on perpetrating this fraud anymore,” Palin told reporters outside her home in Wasilla, Alaska yesterday. “All the ‘you betcha’ comments. The winks. The painful lack of knowledge about world affairs and government process. All lies. I mean really, what kind of moron would name her kids ‘Trig’ and ‘Track’?”

What about the infamous Katie Couric interview during which she couldn’t name a single newspaper that she read?

“It was all staged by Matt Damon,” says Palin. “Of course, Katie was in on it. We sat down beforehand and asked ourselves, ‘What’s the most embarrassing question for a VP to struggle with?’”

Palin went on to explain that she finally opened up about the hoax after seeing the criticism faced by actor Casey Affleck earlier this week, when he admitted his documentary about fellow star Joaquin Phoenix’s alleged downward mental spiral was proved to be staged. That film, entitled I’m Still Here, may be released on DVD and Blu Ray next spring as a double feature with the Damon/Palin collaboration, which is to be called, How Freaking Completely Scary is it That People Take This Deranged Lunatic Seriously, to the Point that Some of Them Say They Would Actually Vote for Her in a Presidential Election?! Don’t They Want Someone Even Remotely Qualified and With at Least an Ounce of Intelligence to be the Most Powerful Person in the World, for Cryin’ Out Loud? May We Remind You This Person Has Access to Nuclear Weapons?   

When reached by phone at his home in Hollywood, California, Damon would not confirm that his film was a fake, but he did admit to experiencing problems with the production.

“Frankly, the name is too long,” he said. “I’m not sure what I can do about that, though. We already named it.”

Indeed, the title is long. So long that filmmaker Ray Dennis Steckler, who directed the 1964 film, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies !!?, says he will sue Damon and Palin for financial damages resulting from the loss of his status as a trivia-book footnote.

“Not cool, man” he said in an interview that appeared on Fangoria.com yesterday. “Not cool.”

Steckler isn’t the only public figure upset with Palin’s actions. Arizona Senator John McCain, who shared the GOP ticket with Palin in the 2008 presidential election, said through his spokesperson, Frieda Lay, that he never knew his former running mate wasn’t a half-wit.

“Ms. Palin has deliberately tried to damage Senator McCain’s heretofore unblemished credibility,” said Lay.

She also said that McCain would have loved to talk to reporters directly, but he was too busy selling out his ideals in an effort to pander to ultra-right-wing conservative voters.

So what’s next for Palin, now that she’s shedding her carefully cultivated public persona?

“What I really want to do is direct,” she said. There’s no official word on what her debut feature will be, but rumors are already circulating that she will helm the espionage thriller, I Can See Russia from My Porch.

Palin may be able to use her experiences as a stepping stone to Hollywood, but the little people in her employ may not be so fortunate.

Babyface Finster, a dwarf actor who has played the part of “Track” in Palin’s public appearances for the past three years, is philosophical about his change of fortune.

“Eh, it was a good gig while it lasted,” he says. “I suppose I could always go back to robbing banks.”

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Abe Lincoln booted from history books!

By Eric J Baker

 

Artist’s rendering of what Abe Lincoln might look like today, if his body were injected with Evil-X Reanimating Fluid by a mad scientist

QUANTUM WASHINGTON DC – In the alternate universe yesterday, President Sarah Palin issued an executive order invalidating Abraham Lincoln’s presidency. According to Palin, Lincoln violated the Quantum US Constitution by freeing the slaves and not allowing the south to secede from the union.

Andrew Johnson will now be considered the 16^th president, and banks have been ordered to turn in all pennies to the US mint so Lincoln’s image on each coin can be recut to resemble that of Johnson. Palin’s portrait will replace Lincoln’s on the five-dollar bill. Stickers bearing Palin’s likeness have already been mailed to every citizen in possession of more than five dollars.

“When Baby Jesus wrote our Constitution, he wanted that document to be totally fubu,” President Palin told Americans in a speech televised during primetime last night. “That means we can remake the government if we don’t like what our government does.”

Palin also said slavery was a state’s rights issue and that the federal government shouldn’t be permitted to impose its moral values on individuals.

“It’s like, ‘Hello, my name is Big Government, now pay me taxes and give me your personal property,’” Palin said in the speech that many are calling one of the greatest in presidential history.

“It’s her Gettysburg Address,” said TV news pundit Rex Kramer. “Except that, with Lincoln’s presidency rescinded, there was no Gettysburg Address. And it didn’t take place in Pennsylvania. So I guess it was nothing like that. Never mind. It wasn’t a great speech. Forget I said it.”

Vice President Bristol Palin, who was unable to attend the speech because she was starring in a reality show about a trashy bimbo with a mother who inexplicably draws thousands of people to her public appearances where she spews nothing but pure drivel, said, “Like, Abe Lincoln is dead to me. I’m soooo ignoring him from now on. And that beard? Ew.”

President Palin’s cabinet members, Track, Trig, Traipse, Tron, Tribble, Trash, Trinket, and Trog Palin, issued a joint statement in support of the ruling. The statement said, in part, “We believe in the absolute authority of the US Constitution, and anyone who speaks out against the President’s interpretation of it will be summarily executed.”

The statement also said, “All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.”

Not everyone approves of the President’s approach to enforcing the quantum founding fathers’ vision for America.

Barak Obama, a constitutional law professor at Harvard University, said in an interview recently, “George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich! George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich! George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich!”

Some ordinary Quantum Americans are taking a more radical approach to challenging Palin’s authority. A grassroots political movement, calling itself “The Boston Massacre” has been on the rise all across the country, largely made up of citizens opposed to the 28^th Amendment, which declares President Palin to be Queen Forever.

“We fought the French in the Revolutionary War so we wouldn’t have a queen anymore,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Quantum Oklahoma and chairman of the local Boston Massacre Party chapter. “My father fought in the Battle of Woodstock in 1969 when Jimi Hendrix was killed, and damn if I’m going to let some hick from Alaska parade around like she owns the place.”

Tool says he plans to join the pastor of his local church in burning a stack of Queen albums this week as a symbolic protest.

“Fat-bottomed girls, my ass!” he says.

Unfortunately for Tool and like-minded Quantum Americans, President Palin’s policies seem secure for now. The Boston Massacre movement has been having trouble gaining traction, as its members are required to kill each other with muskets at each meeting.

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Labor Day: America pauses to remember employment

By Eric J Baker

Wanted: Trudy, 53, last seen Wednesdays from 6 to midnight at Jiggle's GoGo Palace

In a show of solidarity with the unemployed, Americans who have the last of the nation’s existing jobs (thanks to a grandfather clause) will take Monday off from work and goof around like their out-of-work counterparts do everyday. Office workers will host backyard barbeques. Road crews will trade shovels for beach umbrellas. Depressed journalists will file their stupid Labor Day fluff pieces and then hit the bar, numbing their meaningless lives with shot after shot of Southern Comfort and waking up nine hours later next to a 53-year-old stripper named Trudy, with no memory of what transpired between.

At what is sure to be a solemn ceremony, President Obama will hang a memorial wreath on the door of a downtown Washington DC unemployment office Monday and say something like, “While we encourage Americans to go out and have a great time, it’s important that we all take a moment to remember employment. Millions of jobs gave their lives so bank CEOs can buy yachts. We must never forget that.”

Some readers may remember the Employment Period, which lasted from the dawn of civilization until 2008, with a notable pause in the early 1930s. During this time, people were often able to acquire jobs in exchange for financial compensation from job providers, frequently called “employers.” Most jobs were soul-sucking, meaningless affairs that left their holders depressed shells of human beings, but the compensation enabled them to purchase DVDs and shoes, thus mitigating the pain and encouraging them to continue working.

Some claim that jobs will become available again if the federal government passes tough new anti-immigration laws.

Conservative figurehead, author, politician, and attention whore Sarah Palin held a rally south of Fairfax, Virginia Sunday, calling it “Taking Back Real America,” at which she claimed lax immigration policies have led to undocumented Mexicans taking all the manufacturing jobs as well as Information Technology and middle-management corporate positions.

“People say all the jobs have gone overseas,” Palin told thousands of cheering supporters. “And they’re right… If ‘overseas’ means America and ‘jobs’ means people from Mexico, who, let me tell you, don’t even speak American most of the time.”

As onlookers struggled to make sense of her analogy, she went on to say, “But we’re starting to turn the tide. New immigration laws in North Carolina sure chased away Hurricane Earl in a big hurry. Even fake America was spared, but do they appreciate it? Nooooo!”

Earl, an undocumented category 4 hurricane, attempted to make landfall in North Carolina’s barrier islands but was repelled. It eventually entered Canada through Nova Scotia, which is known for its flimsy border security.

Pinky Middleton, a meteorologist from the National Weather Service in Chicago, says that Earl may still try to sneak into the US from somewhere along the eastern portion of the country’s border with Canada.

“These illegal hurricanes are crafty,” says Middleton, “But he’s liable to find himself out of luck. There aren’t any jobs left.”

Indeed, searches for “natural disaster” on Careerbuilder.com, Monster, and Hotjobs did not return any hits.

In other news, Trudy, I want my wallet back.

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Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide

By Eric J Baker

Two of the 20th century's most beloved product icons, The Kool-Aid Man and Peppy McDeath, are working together again

WASHINGTON DC – At a Glenn Beck rally held in Washington DC yesterday, event organizers were embarrassed when it was discovered there was not enough cyanide to go around. Approximately half of the 50,000 people in attendance had to drink straight Kool-Aid and didn’t die.

Beck, host of a popular Fox News television show and author of several books someone else actually wrote*, was in town to commemorate the thirty-first-and-three-quarters-of-a-year anniversary of the Jonestown Massacre, which took place in Guyana in 1978 and claimed the lives of over 900 Americans. Earlier in the week, Beck had vowed to “take back mass-suicide cultism from South America.”

Several survivors of yesterday’s rally left disappointed.

“He [Beck] told us the only way to make America good again was to swallow the little orange pill,” said attendee Pinky Middleton, 28, of Misdirected Anger, Indiana. “He said spaceships would come down and take President Obama back to Ceti Alpha Five. I didn’t get no pill, and I didn’t see no spaceships.”

It could not be independently confirmed if spaceships came for the President after the mass suicide took place.

Beck was unavailable for comment, but his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer, told The Anvil via telephone this morning, “There was, like, a problem with the metric system? So, like, we had twice a much cups of Kool-Aid?”

She also said, “This is why Mr. Beck thinks the metric system is un-American, because, like, they use different number systems there. President Obama wants to socialize number systems, which we need to not allow, moreover.”

The White House was busy setting up its ObamaCam second-by-second vacation-activity media tracker and would not respond to Ditzmeyer’s comments. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was only willing to say, “Not now. The President is eating a bowl of Cheerios and I need to write a press release about it.”

Sarah Palin, the keynote speaker at Beck’s rally and also a fake author****, defended event organizers responsible for the cyanide shortage while managing to take a shot at the President at the same time.

“People… real people like you and me… we like Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is good enough for us,” she said. “Unlike our elitist, out-of-touch President who eats cereal shaped like the first letter of his last name. Nope. Kool-Aid is for honest, hard-working Americans, like those that came to see me speak.”

The fruity beverage, which event organizers were selling for $20 a cup, is noted for its effectiveness in dissolving poison capsules, thus making it the world’s most popular powdered drink at mass-suicide events. A representative for the manufacturer claims that the company shipped over 100,000 packets to Beck’s rally and always welcomes the free publicity that accompanies a lurid news story involving its product.

In business news, television host Glenn Beck reportedly purchased stock in Kool-Aid Incorporated last week, just before a massive order was shipped to his rally in downtown Washington, DC.

“People are, like, complaining that 25,000 attendees only got straight Kool-Aid with no cyanide,” says his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer. “But, you know, 25,000 others did get cyanide. I wonder why you’re not asking them if they are satisfied. Is it because of left-wing media bias? I think it is.”

In employment news, the city of Washington in the District of Columbia is looking to hire one-thousand corpse haulers, on a temporary basis. Carts will be supplied.     

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*possibly, maybe**

** I don’t want to get sued for libel***

***Come on. Like he actually sat down for a year and typed out multiple drafts of a novel without any formal training as a writer. Give me a f—ing break. That’s insulting to anyone who writes.

**** Seriously. How can someone who writes reminders on her freaking hand possibly author a book?*****

*****Just kidding, Sarah darling. You know I love you. Pssst. Call me next time Todd is away at some secessionist meeting.

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Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure

Explosion releases enough radiation to give cancer to millions

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Bioluminescent aliens from Neptune bearing a cure-all serum head for Earth (the planet Saturn is visible through the spacecraft's center window). 10 hours later, they were dead.

 SOMERSET, NJ – It looks as if instant eradication of all the world’s diseases will have to wait.

Missiles fired yesterday from the lawn of New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca struck the Neptunian flagship CE3K at an altitude of 40,000 feet, destroying it and scattering radioactive debris across the tri-state area. The extraterrestrial craft was allegedly en route to the United Nations building in New York to deliver a “miracle” cure for all disease when it was hit.

It is unknown how many aliens were on board, but they are all assumed dead.

Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca spokesperson Delores Smokescreen, speaking to reporters yesterday afternoon, attempted to justify the company’s actions by saying, “Haven’t you ever seen V? How about Godzilla vs. Monster Zero? These so-called ‘benevolent’ aliens always have a hidden agenda.”

She went on to say, “Rent Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Netflix. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Reaction in our nation’s capital was initially one of outrage and disgust.

“Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca’s actions and words are appalling,” said President Obama from the White House last night. “Trying to compare this situation to Killer Klowns from Outer Space is absurd. Those Klowns never tried to disguise their intentions.”

However, Democrats and Republicans were forced to stop criticizing the drug company when reminded they are all lackeys for multi-billion-dollar corporations like Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca and should keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.

Neptune’s ruler, Klaatu Varada Nickto, issued an interplanetary statement this morning that read, in part, “We had hoped to usher in a new era of cooperation and scientific enlightenment by offering you a serum that would forever eliminate all disease from your planet. Unfortunately, you are not ready for that and never will be. Prepare to be destroyed.”

Religious groups and political figures around the world are condemning Nickto’s words today.

Evangelicals R Us president and multimillionaire F. A. Brimstone released  his own statement that read, “These Godless heathens want to inject Satan into our veins! They’re jealous because Neptune revolves around the Earth, as does the rest of the universe.”

The statement goes on to say, “Telescopes and math are the work of the Devil and should be destroyed.”

Just before this article went to press, Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “Anything we don’t immediately understand MUST be killed without question!”

Whether or not the aliens’ cure would have worked is under debate. Doctors and medical research scientists (who’ve seen a sample of the compound and read the data) say receiving the serum would have been the most profound event in human history, while others, who have no knowledge of science or medicine, deny that claim.

So why was the craft shot down?

“There’s no profit in a miracle cure,” speculates Medical Ethicist Kyohei Yamane, whose title prompts people to wonder how he makes a living doing that.

Meanwhile, Chester Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Oklahoma, vows to keep his shotgun nearby.

“They [the aliens] can keep their wacky health juice,” he says between fits of coughing. “I’m watching the skies. Tell them Klowns they better not try to set foot, or whatever squiggly things they use, on my property or else.”

[No registration required for comments, and you won’t be harmed] 

News round-up: Maybe if you’d been paying attention, we wouldn’t have to write this!

Rogue astronauts steal space shuttle Atlantis

 

This satellite image shows police space cruisers chasing down the stolen shuttle. At the bottom of the frame, Starsky and Hutch are seen joining the pursuit.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – NASA suffered yet another embarrassment this weekend when outlaws made off with the space shuttle Atlantis in a bold nighttime theft. The craft, having just returned from its supposed final voyage, was left outside the hanger overnight, and when employees arrived for work on Saturday, it was gone.

“It’s a simple explanation,” said NASA spokesperson Clint Howard. “Apparently the pilot left the keys on the dashboard and the door unlocked. We’re reviewing security procedures to make sure nothing like this happens again.”

Fortunately for the taxpayer-funded agency, the thieves were later apprehended en route to the moon, where it is believed they planned to hide out in a secret cave. The pursuit and capture mission was conducted as a joint operation between the FBI and the Houston, Texas police department. Officials say the shuttle, which was impounded, will be returned to its hanger in Florida after law-enforcement authorities complete their investigation.

“We’re just glad no one was hurt,” said Howard, almost as if he meant it.

The incident is the latest in a series of blunders committed by the once-respected space agency.

Two weeks ago, NASA officials unveiled design plans for a new type of shuttle called Novolar, only to discover the name translates into Spanish as “No Fly.” And in February, a tape surfaced on the internet that appeared to show the space agency and porn actress Ragina Groinacre engaging in multiple rocket launches.

Sarah Palin builds fence around her house to keep out “Fake America”

 

WASILLA, AK – Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin had a fence installed around her property this week to prevent the encroachment of what she called “Fake America” onto her property.

The fence, 300-yards long if configured in a straight line, is a considerably scaled-down version of the one she proposed during the 2008 presidential campaign, when she ran for vice president on the losing GOP ticket. At the time, she called for the southern half of Virginia to be walled off from the north, with the fence eventually to be extended along the western border of Maryland, through the middle of Pennsylvania, and upward to Michigan, effectively cutting off the northeastern United States from the rest of the country.

Most fake Americans are thought to live in this region.

When questioned about the modification to her plan, Palin said, “With so many ordinary, real Americans like me struggling to make ends meet, I thought it wouldn’t be right to spend all that money on a big fence.”

She went on to say, “Fake America still knows where it is.”

Fake Americans are believed to read newspapers, care about their country too, and disagree with Sarah Palin.

Iraqi politician says he “misspoke” about having been a suicide bomber

 

BAGHDAD – In an incident that recalls Senate candidate Dick Blumenthal’s false claim of having fought in the Vietnam War, an Iraqi man running for mayor of Baghdad admitted this week he was not a former suicide bomber, contrary to what he’d stated numerous times on the campaign trail.

Tariq Al-Hassan, the candidate from the conservative “Death to Infidels” party, was at the grand opening of a Target superstore in the Sadr City neighborhood of Baghdad when a reporter asked, “If you had been a suicide bomber, wouldn’t you be dead right now?”

An embarrassed Al-Hassan tried to have the reporter beheaded, but the damage was already done. Faced with a firestorm of criticism and plunging poll numbers, the politician released a statement yesterday that read, “I apologize for having misspoken about my past recently. A member of my staff discovered I was not a suicide bomber but rather an auditor for Saddam Central Bank. I’ve had my campaign manager killed to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Al-Hassan had been the favorite going into next month’s election against his rival, Sinbad the Sailor.      

Scientists PROVE that you’re always right and everyone who disagrees with you is an idiot

Go ahead. Leave that insulting internet comment trashing this article’s writer or the person who commented before you. And do so with a feeling of righteousness. You earned it.

 

By Eric J Baker

 

You.

PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they’ve found definitive proof no one knows what the hell they’re talking about but you. Results of the comprehensive study appear in this week’s issue of American Science Journal.

Says behavioral scientist Dr. Hans Gruber, who led the project, “Our findings clearly show that people who don’t agree with you are indeed mindless fools brainwashed by any number of agenda-driven entities such as the left-wing media, the right-wing media, the Obama administration, the Bush administration, crappy sports writers, oil companies, vegetarians, and Star Trek or Star Wars, depending on which you think is superior.”

Knee-jerk reactionaries across the nation rejoiced at the news.

“Finally, the ammo I need to shut those [expletive] morons up once and for all,” says internet user Pinky Middleton, who claims to have posted over 800,000 angry, all-caps comments on Yahoo. “I’ve been telling people I don’t have to learn anything about a subject to be an expert, and this proves I’m right. But I knew that.”

Liberals and conservatives were quick to claim victory. In a rare joint appearance yesterday, MSNBC’s ranting Obama lover Keith Olbermann and Fox News’ ranting Obama hater Sean Hannity pointed at each other and said, in unison, “See, I told you he was an idiot.”

Perhaps the greatest beneficiary is former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who no longer has to hurt her brain trying to find countries on a map or struggle to answer questions meant for a five-year-old.

“It’s the end of gotcha journalism,” said a visibly jubilant Palin. “[Expletive] you, Katie Couric.”  

Palin also said that, going forward, she will drop all references to reality from her speeches.

News of the study quickly resonated beyond the world of politics.

Militant atheist and prolific author Richard Dawkins said last night on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Mahar, “Once again, science proves that religious people are sniveling, groping, mindless stooges with nary a brain cell to share between them. In fact, they are so wretchedly stupid that I’m going to write another book about genetics. They are soooo dumb I am forced to explain to them every stillborn thought rotting inside their little shrunken-apple heads.”

A frustrated Dawkins went on to say he can’t understand why he has yet to convert a single religious person to atheism.

In response, some random evangelical guy said, “God wanted him to say that. Now excuse me while I go cherry pick one or two slivers of scientific data, wholly out of context, to prove the Earth is only 6000 years old.”   

So, do the results of Princeton University’s study mean the end of irrefutable facts?

“Only a brainwashed idiot would ask a question like that,” says Dr. Gruber. “What? Did you go to Harvard or something? Yale?”

He went on to say, “Moron.”

Feds cancel economy; not popular with voters

GOVERNMENT RECOMMENDS STUFFING OLD BILLS IN MATTRESS… FOR ADDED COMFORT

By Eric J. Baker

 

WASHINGTON DC – The federal government decided to scrap the economy yesterday after 234 years, citing voter frustration and bloated bureaucracy as the main reasons for the move. By signing the executive order yesterday, President Obama effectively changed the way America will do business going forward. 

“People can now anticipate to a future free of budget deficits, national debts, predatory banking practices, and money,” said the President last night in a televised speech that reminded many of candidate Obama from 2008, whose campaign promises were full of inspirational rhetoric.

The action was met with rare bipartisan approval. Said Nevada’s Republican Senate hopeful Sue Lowden, who intends to unseat Democrat Harry Reid in November, “This will finally make chicken-bartering the foremost system of commerce going forward.”

On MSNBC last night, Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Ohio said, “This is the first step toward creating a Dionysian society where love is free, wine flows copiously, and women behave as woodland nymphs, running barefoot in butterfly-laden meadows.”

He later added, “Man, it’s good to finally have a reason for saying that.”

Even former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics, was supportive of the move.

“For a guy who wants to melt down all the guns and kill your grandparents and was probably born in the heart of communist Iraq, he did a smart thing today, don’cha think?”

She later posed with a high-powered hunting rifle to make herself look cool.

Not everyone is happy with the change, though. Environmentalists are up in arms over a proposed government plan to burn all the now-useless cash and dump the coins in the ocean.

“They should use all those bills for insulation,” said Greenpeace activist Patchouli Johnson. “Stuff ‘em inside the old tires that should also be used for insulation.”

“Or make clothes for the homeless,” added fellow activist Peppermint Smith.

Johnson scoffed, asking, “Who cares about the homeless?”

Both women agreed it would be fun to smoke joints made from rolled up 100-dollar bills.

Ordinary citizen Pinky Middleton asked some stupid questions.

“Um, how are people going to get the stuff they need like food and medicine? Won’t society collapse when no one has a reason to go to work anymore?”

Dumb and pointless as his words may be, the repercussions of yesterday’s executive order are indeed being felt, albeit in places that don’t matter.

Upon hearing of the new national policy, elated US soldiers ran into the streets and fired their automatic rifles skyward with reckless abandon. However, the party atmosphere soon degenerated into one of outright chaos, as staffers in nuclear missile silos across the country joined the fracas and punched in their launch codes. Russia, China, North Korea, and the Middle East were later engulfed in a conflagration of apocalyptic proportions, killing close to half the world’s population, with many more expected to die of radiation poisoning in the coming weeks.

An embarrassed President Obama said he will dispatch Secretary of State Clinton to the UN to offer a formal apology sometime this week

President McCain assassinated by Vice President Palin

MAVERICK OR USURPER? YOU DECIDE

 

By Eric J Baker

 

QUANTUM WASHINGTON – Yesterday, in the alternate universe, President John McCain was stabbed in the heart by Vice President Sarah Palin while the pair was touring the ruins of Quantum Teheran following Quantum America’s unprovoked nuclear attack. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Palin was sworn in as president within the hour by Death Squad Commander Sean Hannity, though Hannity was later beheaded by Ensign Pavol Chekov in an act of apparent usurpation.

President Palin was whisked back to the Quantum US, where she quickly executed McCain’s surviving cabinet members and shaved her pointy beard.

From the White House there, the new President promised Americans a smooth leadership transition as well as a renewed focus on job creation and energy independence.

“President McCain was a naïve old fool and he died badly for it,” said a winking Palin. “Should Americans feel good about the future? You betcha!”

Palin also demanded each American family sacrifice a goat in her honor or face “unpleasant” repercussions.

In a show of authority, Palin took a sniper rifle atop the 30-foot-high concrete security wall surrounding the White House to help repel a daring daylight attack led by liberal terrorist, revolutionary, and television pundit Keith Olbermann.

Olbermann, who survived, later claimed on his show, Countdown to Assassination, that President Palin was today’s “Worst person in the wooooorld!”

“Does he think what happened up in Iran was bad?” Palin asked in response. “The Iranis had it easy!”

It is widely believed Palin encouraged the annihilation of Quantum Iran so she’d no longer have to say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s name, a task which often left her confused and tired.

Here in our universe, Americans are often shocked at the degree of violence exhibited by our quantum counterparts, but assassinations and overthrows are considered business-as-usual there. Quantum humans also frequently start angry, ranting political movements in which people hold up logic-defying posters depicting presidents in the likeness of Hitler and carry signs covered with hysterical misspellings. Also, Quantum Republican and Democratic politicians often tell savage lies and run manipulative and deceptive advertisements, in contrast to here, where politicians only ever engage in civil and respectful debate and ordinary Americans value intelligent discourse over clueless shouting.

However, it’s a mistake to think of us as good and quantum humans as evil. For example, it is unclear whether their Sarah Palin or our Sarah Palin is the evil one.

When approached for comment on alternate Palin’s hostile takeover, quantum man-on-the-street Pinky Middleton turned wide-eyed with fear and silently shook his head in a way that suggested, “Get the hell away from me. They’ll kill me if they see me talking to you.”

Alternate universes are generally thought to be created when hot-but-strangely-creepy doctors named Juliet Burke smash a hydrogen bomb with a rock. However, a small number of scientists disagree, believing such universes have long existed and are accidentally discovered during transporter malfunctions.

How can smashing an H-bomb create an alternate universe? Quantum physicists expect to have an answer by 11 pm on May 23^rd, though few people will likely be satisfied by their conclusion.