Royal Wedding fiasco: Westminster Abbey double booked!

 

Kate’s special day ruined!

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LONDON – In what is sure to be remembered as one of the most embarrassing mishaps in the history of the British monarchy, wedding planners discovered last night that Westminster Abbey in London, the proposed site of Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton on Friday, is already booked for an unrelated event.

Family members from the Lipchitz-Goldstein wedding party, who made the earlier reservation, told royal officials to “bugger off” when they were asked to select a new date so the prince’s nuptials could take place as scheduled.

“I’ve got cousins flying in from the states to see my little daffodil get married,” said a teary Meryl Goldstein, mother of the bride. “Blimey. What shall I tell them? The Queen’s gone barmy and doesn’t know what day it is?”

Frank Lipchitz, father of the groom, concurs. “We ‘ad it first,” he says. “What are they going to do, throw us all in the Tower [of London, a former prison]? Won’t that be lovely?”

The mix-up is believed to have resulted from confusion over the first names of the engaged couple, Prince William Lipchitz and Kate Goldstein. Westminster Abbey officials admitted the couple’s parents called last year and said they needed to book a wedding hall for ‘Prince William and Kate.’

In a statement released to the press, Abbey spokesperson Sir Lemmy Kilimister said, “We regret that our chap working the phones didn’t ask enough questions. He has been sacked.”

(STORY CONTINUES BELOW IMAGE)

 

New problems for Westminster Abbey,

only just repaired after Kong’s 2006 attack (file photo) 

If arrangements cannot be made between the royal family and the Lipchitz-Goldstein party, the Prince’s wedding may be moved to the Hammersmith Apollo, a popular concert venue in London. Pop/rock legends Duran Duran are scheduled to perform a show that day, but royal officials said the marriage ceremony will be incorporated into the performance, likely taking place between music sets.

When told of the potential for a combo event, Duran Duran lead vocalist Simon Le Bon said, “Cor. I’ve always wanted to play for a posh crowd.”

Kate Middleton is said to be a fan of the band, but Oxford professor and expert on royal weddings being incorporated into rock concerts, Sir Edmund Bollocks, warns, “If she’s going to throw her brar-and-panties onto the stage, she’d better do it during the first set. She’ll be Princess Kate by the time the Fab Five come back for round two, and that kind of behavior would hardly be appropriate.”

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Hey Anvil readers! For more on the royal wedding and other silliness, check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, where I talk about British girls named Kate, The Smelly Guy, and other transatlantic mayhem.

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Today’s top image provided by Hanson Anderson from Weird Dude’s Blog (not for the easily offended! I mean it!)

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Traditional products fight to stay relevant in the gadget age

The future is here. Woops, missed it. Here comes another one... Damn!

By Eric J Baker

NEW YORK – With Smartphones and iPads and other multi-purpose gadgets all the rage in electronics these days, shoppers are showing little love for the everyday, non-digital products that were once symbols of high status. No longer do children care about being the first on their block to own the latest tube of White Out. None of us carry around our corded house phones anymore, the 30-foot-long wire dragging behind us while we waste precious arm space on a big, plastic door stop.

It’s just not cool anymore.

So what are manufacturers of traditional products to do? Give up and let devices that work better, do more things, and cost the same price or less take over? No! They fight back.

In an effort to compete with popular eBook readers like Amazon’s Kindle, bricks and mortar retailer Barnes and Noble is now requiring its hard-copy, paper-bound books to take batteries as well.

“It’s much more energy efficient than the Kindle device,” says Tony And, one/third owner of the company. “You just stick a couple of AA batteries in the cut-out area, and they never wear out. If you don’t have AA, stick in whatever battery fits. It’s that versatile.”

Some shoppers have complained about the chunk taken out of each book to make room for the batteries.

And says no one reads the top right quadrant of a page anyway, according to focus-group testing. “That’s where writers put periods and commas and the boring parts of sentences,” he explains.

Another print medium, the newspaper, has suffered badly from a sales standpoint since the rise of the Internet, a popular online information-sharing service.

“Newspapers are too big when spread out,”says Internet entrepreneur Betty Google, mastermind behind the somewhat popular Web-based search engine, Yahoo. “It’s, like, 35 inches across. Would you buy a 35-inch monitor?”

In response to similar consumer complaints, the New York Daily News has recently been reconfigured to resemble a 20-inch computer monitor, and its articles now only show every tenth word. New ads for the paper boast that it’s “10 times faster than before!” in an effort to lure back former readers who have switched to broadband information sources.

Sadly, some products seem doomed to be wiped out by their digital counterparts. Old-fashioned, gas-powered search engines have seen sales drop precipitously, which is believed to be worse than a lot.

“Every once in a while an old guy who refuses to use the Internet wants one,” laments heavy-equipment seller Pinky Middleton of Little Rock, Arkansas. “But, realistically, these things are just big, greasy engines that pollute the air, make noise, and chug along doing nothing. Hell, I sell the damn things, but I’ve got an Internet at home.”

Recent economic doldrums have even hurt sales of items that normally can’t be replaced by phone apps, like houses and clothing.

One business segment particularly hard hit has been the clothes iron industry, with sales of the devices plunging despite modern science’s inability to genetically engineer unwrinkling polyester.

“It’s the shortage of iron that’s the problem,” says Sir Edmund Bollocks, an Oxford University professor and expert on heat-producing, flat-sided, metal appliances that aren’t used for cooking.

Indeed, since the United Nations banned the use of iron in products, clothes iron manufacturers have experimented with numerous materials to build a new kind of iron, with little success. The early plastic versions melted and the paper ones frequently caught fire, resulting in ruined clothes and hospitalized customers. More recent models made of leftover space shuttle tiles don’t get hot enough.

“Odd,” says Bollocks. “The device is called an ‘iron,’ yet we make them out of every substance but iron. It’s so… I’m sure there’s a word for it, but I just can’t think of it right now.”

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Easter Bunny’s secret life revealed: sex, drugs, fleas

A rare photo of Easter Bunny's alleged life partner, Heat Miser, at their home in Wonderland

By Lennie

Warning: This story contains three really long sentences, right in the beginning, that may be offensive to readers who prefer short, choppy constructions.

 

NEW YORK – With Easter Bunny back in court this week on charges of violating his probation, details of his personal life are being revealed that threaten to derail his career as a psychedelic holiday icon and disappoint millions of people who associate their religion’s holiest day with baby marshmallow chickens covered in yellow sugar.

Unlike Santa Clause, who flaunts his North Pole digs like a reality-show faux celebrity desperately clinging to those last few seconds of fame and who is not above participating in the most crass acts of commercialism, the notoriously private Easter Bunny has kept his home life a secret.

Until now.

Court documents obtained by The Anvil show that he lives in Wonderland, a small, lawless, and surreal Central American nation bordering Costa Rica, whose inhabitants ingest hallucinogenic drugs, dress as playing cards, and, even more alarmingly, flout food-safety regulations pertaining to the handling and transport of eggs across state lines.

Other shocking allegations that emerged during today’s testimony include Easter Bunny fathering hundreds of baby bunnies by several bunny women and using his progeny as slave labor to weave baskets and dye eggs.

In his opening statement, lead prosecutor Victor Chinchilla said, “The evidence will show that Easter Bunny wantonly breeds like a jackrabbit for the purpose of staffing his sweatshop organization with unpaid offspring.”

Defense attorney Peter Cottontail countered by claiming that Easter Bunny is in a committed and monogamous interspecies relationship with Heat Miser, though that revelation has stirred its own controversy.

“A bunny cohabitating with a Heat Miser is sick and unnatural,” says militant Florida preacher and pyromaniac Josephus A. Crunky, “especially a bunny that represents a religious holiday celebrating the resurrection of Christ.”

Reverend Crunky says he plans to burn a stack of bibles in protest this weekend. “What kind of twisted religion would let a pervert give out colored eggs on its behalf?” he asks.

Bunny’s most recent arrest, this time for sniffing the fumes of purple Easter egg dye, comes on the heels of accusations he was responsible for the Great American Flea Epidemic of May, 2009, during which over two million people got itchy and many more were annoyed hearing about it.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued a warning this week advising Americans to avoid celebrating Easter and, as an added precaution, to set rabbit traps near any point of entry to their houses or apartments.

In a statement released to the press, CDC officials said, “Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to communicate with the Easter Bunny, even if he’s screaming in pain because his leg is half torn off by a trap. If you see him, call your local animal control division of the FBI.”

The CDC’s comments appeared to rile residents of Easter Island, who took to the streets in protest, burning American flags and waving stuffed bunnies. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to arrive there later this week to meet with that nation’s president, Stone Flintrock, in the hopes of diffusing already tense relations between the United States and the former Pangaean republic.

World War III appeared to be the last thing on the mind of a defiant Easter Bunny as he left court today, telling reporters he was on his way to, “spend more money on cocaine and prostitutes in one night than you all make in a year.”

His lawyer added that Easter Bunny loves children and can’t wait to make Easter Sunday their most special day.

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Important note to Anvil readers: It has come to our attention that noted anarchist and goat molester Hanson Anderson, who runs the subversive and wholly illegal fake news enterprise, Weird Dude Incorporated, has been making libelous statements about The Anvil, its editor, and writing staff. These heinous and cruel comments, only partly true, are a clear attempt to discredit this fine and respected news organization and its 300 million daily readers.

We strongly advise our readers not to click here and read these disgusting statements for yourselves. The last thing we want is for you to be upset by clicking here to read this trash. By clicking here, you’re only encouraging Hanson Anderson, seditionist and eater of lead paint, to continue spreading his libelous manure.

The Anvil will take the high road, as we believe it would be undignified and unbecoming of a world-class news organization to point out that Hanson Anderson is a registered ferret offender who dances in public fountains while wearing a size 48 disposable diaper, held up by a giant pink safety pin, and reads Tiger Beat magazine.

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Today’s image by the lovely and talented Sandra Tarsitano

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New Lady Gaga song offends Catholics, people with ears

By Lacy Thundercake

Not even people with weird hats like Lady Gaga's new song, "Judas."

LOS ANGELES – Pop star Lady Gaga took a short break from her 2011 Plastic-Outfit-A-Day challenge to release a new single entitled Judas, a provocative religion-themed song that has Catholics everywhere incensed. To add to the controversy, Gaga has recently been performing the song dressed as biblical figure Mary Magdalene, specifically from the period that Magdalene was said to have worn a cellophane dress with tape over her nipples, a thong, and a nun’s headgear (John 3:16).

 An irate catholic identifying himself as Pope Benedict released a statement today that read, in part, “This song is a clear affront to all people of spiritual belief, though I haven’t heard it. I demand that the harlot’s record label immediately withdraw the song from radio stations, retail stores, and internet music sites. Blah, blah, so on and so forth. Did you get all that? Type up a nice ending for me. Was I supposed to say ‘stop’ before?”

In addition to being a pop singer and prolific recycler, Gaga, whose real name is Didn’tMadonnaDoThisTwentyYearsAgo,ButBetter, is also a renowned theologian who believes the story of Judas Iscariot is underrepresented in the world of disposable bubble-gum pop music.

“Like me,” Gaga said recently while serving as a panel member at Oxford University’s post-graduate theological conference, “Judas is persecuted, rightly or wrongly. Did he lead the Nazis to Jesus? Did he not? Am I typical of egotistical celebrities who equate photographers taking my picture with martyrdom? Or not?”

Catholics may be offended by the song, but it’s hard to argue that Gaga doesn’t know her new testament intimately, based on this lyric sample:

Hey Judas, why did you do dis?

You sold your boss out for some coins

I’d like to kick you in the groins

Da Vinci depicted you wit’ paint

But that don’t make you a saint!

Break it down. Hey!

 

Even in the secular world, Gaga’s newest single is causing a stir.

‘People With Ears,’ a loose affiliation of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Tea Party members, and Greens, has launched a new campaign called Make it Stop!, with the stated goal of eradicating all music that could be mistaken for the theme song to a Nickelodeon ‘tween comedy.

Says the group’s founder, Pinky Middleton of Cleveland Ohio, “That Lady Gaga song sounds like someone from iCarly got drunk after Sunday school and decided to record a song about it.”

Researchers from Princeton University who track people’s reactions to Lady Gaga songs initially claimed that the only people not offended by the single were deaf atheists. They later retracted the statement when it was learned that an organization of deaf atheists called ‘Imaginary Gods Don’t Hear Prayers, And Neither Can I’ had come forward to report that they, too, didn’t like it.

“Whenever I feel the vibrations of a speaker playing that song, I’m outta there,” signed the organization’s president, Topaz Xu.

In unrelated news, Lady Gaga’s music label, Toothache Records, announced a joint marketing effort with the PR firm, Vatican City Promotions, to generate free publicity.

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Hello, Anvil readers. Be sure to stop by Pure film Creative to read my latest column, Rock Saved the Queen. Just in time to insult our newest friend, Alannah Murphy, I tell all about what horrid, ghastly, wicked people the British are!

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Today’s wonderful image created by Sandra Tarsitano

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World’s oldest blog turns 250

Editor’s note: Today we’re taking a short break from hard-hitting investigative journalism to celebrate a very special anniversary here at The Anvil. We promise a prompt return to our usual unpleasantness in a day or two.

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The Anvil's first head writer, George Washington. He was also a U.S. President.

NEW JERSEY – The world’s OB (original blog), The Anvil, turns 250 years old this weekend, a span of time that saw vast improvements in broadband speed as well as the death of Bub, the world’s oldest tortoise. Regretfully, the first 249 years of Anvil archives are lost due to a combination of the British burning our offices during the War of 1812, numerous FBI subpoenas, and server errors.

Our first article appeared on April 16, 1761 and was written by original head writer George Washington. Judging from the title, King George III forgets to powder his wig!, it is clear that Washington’s sense of humor has not aged well, though he was reputed to have been quite a cut-up around the office, often making jokes about our then-lousy dental plan.

Washington surprisingly went on to become a military hero, which is unusual for someone with wooden teeth. He was also allegedly a U.S. president.

Some of our most popular articles from the lost age:

1793 – “Marie Antoinette ‘heads off’ on permanent vacation in Basketville”

1793 – “Eli Whitney invents cotton gin; next 220 years of 5^th graders don’t care”

1838 – “Andrew Jackson wins ‘Get your face on the twenty’ contest by killing the most Indians”

1859 – “Darwin continues rhyming-title scheme with sequel to Origin of Feces”

1867 – “Alfred Nobel invents dynamite, awards himself first Disturbing the Peace prize”

1903 – “Wright Brothers take first flight in North Carolina; luggage ends up in Iowa”

1914 – “Germans, sick of composing great classical music, decide to invade counties from now on”

1930 – “Inspired by ‘Hoover sucks!’ taunts, President invents vacuum cleaner”

1953 – “DNA discovered; Chimps embarrassed that humans are closest relative”

1967 – “Roman pagans sue NASA to stop calling rocket ‘Saturn’ V; ‘It’s offensive.’”

1969 – “Greek pagans sue NASA to stop calling mission ‘Apollo’ 11; ‘It’s offensive’”

1974 – “Norse pagans sue NASA to stop calling Mars Landers ‘Viking’ 1& 2; ‘It’s offensive’”

1988 – “Christian pagans sue NASA to stop calling its deep space probe ‘Jesus’ 3000; ‘It’s offensive’”

2003 – “Atheist pagans sue NASA to stop calling its interstellar cruiser             . ‘It’s offensive’”

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While The Anvil has been around since 1761, it has only been on WordPress for a year, making this our first Bloggiversary. Or is it one “g”? If you are interested in the correct spelling, check in with our expert and friend Paula, who just had a birthday and is now officially the world’s oldest blogger at age 104. Approach her slowly so you don’t startle her, though.

Thanks to everyone who has stopped by over the past year. The light is always on and the door is unlocked…

For the curious, our 3 most popular stories as of the posting date above:

1. The Most Shocking News stories of 2011 view here
2. Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt view here
3. Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide view here

And the three least popular stories (show some love, would ya?):

1. New trend in animal fashion: Oil Chic view here
2. UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.” view here
3. News round-up: This week’s top stories make last week’s top stories look like complete crap! view here

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Thanks to Sandra Tarsitano for supplying today’s image

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Superman: “All this power, and I couldn’t do Lois’ taxes.”

By Eric J Baker

Superman finally defeated... by the IRS! (© 2011 Mark Armstrong)

METROPOLIS – It took the U.S. tax code to do what kryptonite never could: Defeat the Man of Steel.

An anguished Superman admitted to reporters yesterday that, despite his extensive powers, he was unable to complete girlfriend Lois Lane’s 2010 tax return. “She runs a small business in another state, inherited money from overseas, collects rent from a sublet, and did some freelance writing last year,” he said. “No amount of spinning the Earth backward can undo that tax train wreck.”

Superman’s former nemesis, Lex Luthor, now a Washington D.C. lobbyist who advises members of both major parties on how to make life more miserable for ordinary citizens, said of the crime fighter’s predicament, “Muhahahahahahahahahaha!”

Lane got into her own embarrassing predicament last night when she was pulled over and arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated, allegedly telling the arresting officer, “Everybody lies on their tax return. Except for Mr. Perfect. He’s just got to report every [expletive deleted] penny. Candy [expletive deleted]!”

She also reportedly said, “He ain’t no man of steel either, if you know what I mean. Whoever said he’s faster than a speeding bullet must have been an ex-girlfriend.”

Indeed, it’s been a difficult several months for the superhero, who has struggled to get his political career untracked. Despite calling himself  the “tough on crime” candidate, he came in a distant third in Metropolis’s City Council election last November. Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.

He’s also been dogged by accusations he was not actually born on the planet Krypton. Ultraconservative millionaire Bruce Wayne has led the charge, making frequent public demands that Superman release a copy of his Krypton birth certificate.

Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.

“He wants proof Superman was born on Krypton,” says Kent. “Well, by golly, I want proof his parents weren’t featured extras in the movie Deliverance.”

The man of steel isn’t the only superhero having trouble making sense of America’s tax code before the April 18^th filing deadline. Physicist Bruce Banner, who becomes the Incredible Hulk when angered, twice changed into the oversized green monster this week when he discovered the Internal Revenue Service would not let him claim more than three pairs of purple pants as a business expense.

When contacted by The Anvil, a spokesperson for the IRS said, “Who does he think he is, Prince?”

Yesterday, an extra-angry Hulk punched his way through the wall at IRS headquarters in Washington DC and began cramming tax forms down the throats of agency staffers. President Obama quickly arrived in a superhero uniform and put a stop to the mayhem by promising the Hulk a quick resolution to his tax problems.

“We’ve learned from dealing with Wall Street bankers that the best way to address appalling behavior is to coddle and give the perpetrator whatever he wants,” the President later told reporters at a White House press conference.

The Hulk, standing beside President Obama, added, “HULK SMASH PUNY HUMAN!”

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The Anvil gives a very special thanks to illustrator Mark Armstrong for providing today’s image. Be sure to visit Mark’s Web site to see more of his great artwork.

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Sarah Palin lookalike… after man has 233 plastic surgeries!

By Lacy Thundercake

Norman Ubsy talks Tucker Carlson on Fox News' edgy spinoff, Foxy News

LOS ANGELES – A U.S. Postal Service employee in California recently underwent a record 233^rd cosmetic surgery in his quest to become an exact replica of former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Last night, he made his first guest-hosting appearance on Foxy News Channel, a spin-off of Fox News, and is said to be in negotiations for a regular spot.

When asked why he wanted to look like Palin, Norman “Chubsy” Ubsy said, “At first it was because I wanted to see her naked. Since there don’t seem to be any nudes pics floating around out there, I thought, ‘Hey, I know another way.’”

Ubsy, who is genetically an African American man, says the more he learned about Palin, the more he liked her.

“I’m a gun owner and support the second amendment. I also believe in smaller government,” he explains. “These are things I thought about when they put in the breast implants and removed my privates, and these are the things I think about when I look at myself naked in a full-length mirror.”

Ubsy’s surgeon, Dr. Herbert West of Unethical Plastics, a Southern California fast-surgery center, said changing Ubsy into Palin was gratifying.

“I was particularly disappointed that Michael Jackson died before I was able to finish turning him into the alien that crawls out of the mother ship at the end of Close Encounters,” he told The Anvil. “When I have a patient who has money yet is clearly mentally disturbed, I want to turn that patient into the freakazoid he dreams of becoming.”

West is also known for using radical surgery to turn eccentric billionaire Roopvani Patel into a Rubik’s Cube and for turning Jesse Eisenberg from the Guy Who Reminds People of Michael Cera into Jesse Eisenberg.

Not everyone is so pleased with West’s handiwork.

Tina T. Tyler, an expert from the Alliteration Institute in Denver, Colorado says, “Pistol-packing pretend-Palin postal persons piss me off. Silly surgeons slicing and sculpting Sarah simulations steam me as well.”

Ubsy says he is not fazed by all the criticism. “I’ve got other things to worry about. Now that I look like Palin, I’m trying real hard to unlearn everything I know about civics and geopolitics and replace it with winks and snark.”

The surgeries cost Ubsy a combined 1.9 million dollars, a lot of money for a postal worker. If his huge ratings from last night’s Foxy News appearance are any indication, though, he’ll be making it back in no time.

“People wanted Sarah in a bra and panties, and I gave it to them,” he says. “I’m every bit the businessman she is.”

The real Palin was unable to be reached for comment, but Hollywood insiders are already buzzing that she and her counterpart are in talks with 20^th Century Fox executives to star in a film entitled, Palin Vs. Mecha-Palin as well as two sequels, Palin vs. Mecha-Palin vs. Godzilla and Palin, Godzilla, Mecha-Palin, and MechaGodzilla: Monsters’, Palins’, and Mecha-Monster Palins’ All Out Mecha-Monster War.

Michael Bay is expected to direct.

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Greetings, Anvil readers. I’ve done another guest post for filmmaker James Killough’s Pure Film Creative, which you can read here. Check it out and tell me what you think, but please note the content there is a bit edgier.

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Today’s image is another great contribution by Sandra Tarsitano

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Even more SHOCKING news stories of 2011!

Warning: Only read this article if you are wearing rubber gloves and are not standing in water

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Government Shot Down!   

By Eric J Baker

WASHINGTON DC – The Obama Administration’s experiment with aerial government appears to have ended in dismal failure as the Capitol Building – recently outfitted with wings and jet engines – was shot down today by members of Muammar Gaddafi’s Super-Sexy All-Female Commando Strike Team. No one was killed in the attack, though House Speaker John Boehner’s hair was mussed.

News of the surface-to-air missile strike resulted in spontaneous partying all across the United States, while political activists immediately set about to replace the injured politicians with candidates who are at least as bad, if not worse.

In an embarrassing side note, some media outlets mistakenly read the initial news report as a “government shutdown,” leading several reporters to write long, boring articles about budgets and spending that no one wants to read.

Those reporters are said to have been sacked.

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Pope Bitten by Werewolf on the Set of New Twilight Film

by Lacy Thundercake

Pope Benedict escaped from his hospital room just after this story was written

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict was injured on the set of the upcoming film Twilight: Sunspot, currently in production, when he got too close to one of the werewolves featured in the story. The movie is being filmed on location in Rome, and the pontiff was on hand as an extra.

“People need to understand that werewolves are not dogs,” says animal trainer Pinky Middleton, not associated with the production. “They’re wild animals and should be treated as such.”

In the film, actor Taylor Lautner’s character, Jacob Black, finally ascends to the papacy while his rival, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), is forced to turn tricks on the street so he can raise money to buy a huge engagement ring for that bitch, Bella (Kristen Stewart).

The werewolf that bit Pope Benedict was Lautner’s stunt beast. Attempts to put the animal down were unsuccessful when animal control officers could not locate a silver bullet.

From his hospital bed at Our Lady of the Grilled Cheese Miracle in Vatican City, the Pope told reporters he doesn’t blame the wolf and that he hopes “footage of the attack goes viral on YouTube.”

Pope Benedict is said to be a fan of the Twilight books and films, though he cites 1981’s The Howling as his favorite werewolf movie of all time.

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Billy Joel Stabbed by Crazed Fan

by Lacy Thundercake

NEW YORK – Pop singer and songwriter Billy Joel was attacked yesterday by a knife-wielding woman police identify as Brenda Rinetti, 59, of Hoboken, NJ. Joel was stabbed in the left foot and later taken to a local hospital, where he was listed in stable condition.

Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer told reporters today that she is not a crazed fan but, rather, a victim who was defending her honor.

“Mr. Joel, in his lyrics for the song ‘Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,’ deliberately identified my client by name, which we view as libel,” said her lawyer. “She has put up with this since the 1970s, but no more. We intend to seek damages.”

When informed that Joel was, in fact, singing, “Brenda and Eddie,” but slurring the words together, Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer said, “Really?”

From his hospital bed next to the Pope, Joel told reporters he was relieved the injury was to his left foot. “My right foot is my piano playing foot,” he said.

Aside from writing a few minor hit songs, Joel is probably best known for raising awareness of the Billy Joel-Christie Brinkley Syndrome, a debilitating disease that causes tall, beautiful models to become romantically involved with short, unattractive musicians. Despite the millions of dollars spent every year on medical research, no cure exists, thankfully.

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(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano) 

Animals make bad pets!

An editorial by Lennie

When pets attack: Remember Godzilla's tragic Dancing with the Stars appearance?

About the writer: Lennie is the author of Don’t Give to Charity – It Only Teaches People to Take and The Real Science Behind Unicorns. He’s also in the Lennie’s Book of World Records for “Coolest, most popular, best-looking guy.”

His uncle owns The Anvil.

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Like all humans, I don’t care what happens to anyone else, but some people are taking their selfish disregard for the world around them to new depths. Folks, animals are living creatures, not matchbox cars or decorative candles. In other words, they are not pets!

Don’t be lulled into a false sense of affection by their sad eyes and soft fur. Those are evolutionary adaptations specifically designed by God to get these creatures into your house.

Why? Because they are too lazy to build their own houses. I didn’t use my family connections to gain employment, cheat on my taxes to get a big refund, or date a woman with zero self-esteem who I browbeat into doing all my housework… just so some “rodent with fur” can steal my thunder. Seriously, is there a worse combination of traits than being conniving and lazy? That’s animals for ya.

Not to mention they are dangerous. Some scary animal facts:

1. In the movie Jaws, a huge great white shark eats a bunch of people. You may be thinking, “Lennie, ‘huge’ and ‘great’ are kind of redundant.” Well that’s how huge it was.

2. Polar bears can smell a pie cooling on your window sill from the North Pole. Don’t you feel violated? While we’re on the subject, maybe you should stop putting pies on your window sill. You’re not a cartoon character.

3. In Ohio in the 1980s, a woman named Medusa kept pet snakes that, no doubt, had soft fur and sad eyes. Despite warnings, she allowed them to sleep at the foot of her bed. Guess what? During the night, they planted eggs in her head and snakes eventually grew in place of hair. She could not get a date after that and died a lonely spinster 50 years later. It sounds like an urban legend, but it’s not, because my friend’s cousin’s neighbor knew her.

4. Cats and dogs have bacteria on them. Ew. You don’t want that stuff near your face, do you?

5. During a live animal show in San Diego last year that featured tigers and lions, a woman in the audience got food poisoning from eating an undercooked hamburger. A hamburger made of beef.

6. Kittens are cute and cuddly all right, but leave a baby unattended around one, and you’ll come back to find a cradle full of small bones. Fact.

7. Dog biscuits are made in sweat shops by underage foreign children working 12 hours a day. Meanwhile, our preteens are unemployed and wasting time!

Now that you know the facts, take the next step and drop your house animal off at the nearest pet recycling center before you forget. You can probably get rid of your spiders that way, too, but do it fast so no one gets suspicious.

Consider yourself informed.

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(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano)

Florida preacher burns Richard Dawkins book; atheists rampage

By Eric J Baker

All Richard Dawkins readers are vampires.

GATORBAG, FL – A pastor from an evangelical church near Gainesville, Florida burned a copy of the Richard Dawkins book DNA for Dummies (i.e. You) this weekend, causing millions of his atheist followers across the country to go on a mad rampage, storming supermarkets, car dealerships, restaurants, and other places of business with one thing on their minds: Revenge.

Witnesses say the atheists bought items and ordered meals during the melee. Thousands of cars were test driven by them on Saturday, with at least 75 drives resulting in purchases, though officials expect the sales toll to rise.

“We’re out of stock on a few things,” said beleaguered shop owner Pinky Middleton of Atlanta, whose inventory was reduced by the attack. “Greek yogurt was on sale, so naturally, we ran out.”

When asked why he burned Dawkins’ book on evolutionary biology, considered by many to be one of hundreds on the market, the controversial Reverend Josephus Crunky said, “I hated Family Feud when he was the host. 1976 to 1985 were dark times indeed.”

Neither Richard Dawkins, the book’s author, or Richard Dawson, former host of the Family Feud, could be reached for comment, but historian and expert on British people called Richard, Sir Edmund Bollocks, said, “Those two chaps, plus King Richard III, complete the perfect trifecta of utterly unrelated Richards.”

Few of the crazed nonbelievers involved in the attack were willing to go on record, though one man, who identified himself only by his first name, Dracula, said, “Richard Dawkins’ book improved the quality of my life. Once he convinced me to give up religion, crosses no longer burned my flesh. I simply stopped thinking they could hurt me, like in that Wild West episode of Star Trek with the phantom bullets. From the third season.”

He also said, “I became a vegetarian as well, so steak couldn’t damage my heart. Get it? Stake. Steak. Hello? Is this thing on? Woo. Tough crowd.”

The incident was not the only controversial book burning to take place in Florida this week. On Friday, another preacher, Reverend Skippy Flintspark of Tallahassee, set ablaze the space alien holy book, To Serve Man, while his congregation looked on. In response, angry aliens sent an armada of star cruisers to Earth, vaporizing Washington DC and New York City.

Yet another preacher, Reverend Jesse Jackson, attempted to broker peace between humans and the aliens by saying of To Serve Man, “It’s a cookbook!”

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 Greetings, Anvil readers! When you have a minute, please go check out my guest post on LA filmmaker and entertainment writer James Killough’s blog Pure Film Creative . Fair warning to people with PG-13 tastes: James’ blog is not for people who offend easily, and you’re going to see a very different side of my writing.

Peace.