THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Labor Day: America pauses to remember employment

Posted by oldancestor on September 5, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Wanted: Trudy, 53, last seen Wednesdays from 6 to midnight at Jiggle's GoGo Palace

In a show of solidarity with the unemployed, Americans who have the last of the nation’s existing jobs (thanks to a grandfather clause) will take Monday off from work and goof around like their out-of-work counterparts do everyday. Office workers will host backyard barbeques. Road crews will trade shovels for beach umbrellas. Depressed journalists will file their stupid Labor Day fluff pieces and then hit the bar, numbing their meaningless lives with shot after shot of Southern Comfort and waking up nine hours later next to a 53-year-old stripper named Trudy, with no memory of what transpired between.

At what is sure to be a solemn ceremony, President Obama will hang a memorial wreath on the door of a downtown Washington DC unemployment office Monday and say something like, “While we encourage Americans to go out and have a great time, it’s important that we all take a moment to remember employment. Millions of jobs gave their lives so bank CEOs can buy yachts. We must never forget that.”

Some readers may remember the Employment Period, which lasted from the dawn of civilization until 2008, with a notable pause in the early 1930s. During this time, people were often able to acquire jobs in exchange for financial compensation from job providers, frequently called “employers.” Most jobs were soul-sucking, meaningless affairs that left their holders depressed shells of human beings, but the compensation enabled them to purchase DVDs and shoes, thus mitigating the pain and encouraging them to continue working.

Some claim that jobs will become available again if the federal government passes tough new anti-immigration laws.

Conservative figurehead, author, politician, and attention whore Sarah Palin held a rally south of Fairfax, Virginia Sunday, calling it “Taking Back Real America,” at which she claimed lax immigration policies have led to undocumented Mexicans taking all the manufacturing jobs as well as Information Technology and middle-management corporate positions.

“People say all the jobs have gone overseas,” Palin told thousands of cheering supporters. “And they’re right… If ‘overseas’ means America and ‘jobs’ means people from Mexico, who, let me tell you, don’t even speak American most of the time.”

As onlookers struggled to make sense of her analogy, she went on to say, “But we’re starting to turn the tide. New immigration laws in North Carolina sure chased away Hurricane Earl in a big hurry. Even fake America was spared, but do they appreciate it? Nooooo!”

Earl, an undocumented category 4 hurricane, attempted to make landfall in North Carolina’s barrier islands but was repelled. It eventually entered Canada through Nova Scotia, which is known for its flimsy border security.

Pinky Middleton, a meteorologist from the National Weather Service in Chicago, says that Earl may still try to sneak into the US from somewhere along the eastern portion of the country’s border with Canada.

“These illegal hurricanes are crafty,” says Middleton, “But he’s liable to find himself out of luck. There aren’t any jobs left.”

Indeed, searches for “natural disaster” on Careerbuilder.com, Monster, and Hotjobs did not return any hits.

In other news, Trudy, I want my wallet back.

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6 Responses to “Labor Day: America pauses to remember employment”

  1. Tracy said

    LOL!

  2. jeanie said

    Trudy told me the monetary contents of your wallet didn’t come close to compensating her for all the services you recieved that night.
    So she sold your identity to an illegal immigrant badly in need of a social security number.

  3. art vandolay said

    Dude,
    you are funny.

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