Jan Brewer set to play “Leatherface” in Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot

By Lacy Thundercake

“Don’t make me cut you!” says Brewer, rehearsing her lines. Or not.

LOS ANGELES – In a shocking move, film studio Lionsgate has cast fiery Arizona governor Jan Brewer as the chainsaw-wielding maniac “Leatherface” in the upcoming horror reboot, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is the first time a woman has played the iconic role in any of the five films in the series, dating back to 1974.

“We couldn’t be more proud of the governor,” said Brewer’s spokesperson Lefty Enright at this afternoon’s press conference to announce the casting. “The way she has hacked away at civil rights for Hispanic people and eviscerated the idea of health benefits for same-sex couples proves that she knows how to lash out in a clumsy, brutal fashion, just like a crazed killer who skins people alive and makes clothes out of them.”

Enright denies that Brewer was chosen for the part because of her weather-beaten, craggy appearance.

“What’s a sister gonna do? She lives in the desert.”

The film’s director, Pinky Middleton, said he chose the governor because he is a supporter of women’s rights and wanted to make a statement.

“Janice has proven that a woman can be just as nasty and hateful as a man. I hope, by giving her this role, I can shift the landscape of our society’s perceptions in a way that only art can.”

He also said, “I can’t wait to see her cut a dumb teenager in half.”

In other governor-related film-casting news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has recently signed on to play the part of a bitter, angry, emotionally stunted man who is shouts people down and calls them idiots when they ask him questions he dislikes. Until his rage boils over and pushes his blood pressure into the red, causing a heart attack.

Set in 2013, the film is tentatively being called, “The Chris Christie Story.”

Dear Anvil Readers

I’m sorry to pull a bait and switch, but I’m excited for you to click here and read my brand new interview with singer Barbara Harris (above, right) of The Toys, who music fans may remember as the group behind the great ’60s pop song “A Lover’s Concerto.” She’s a super cool and charming lady, and it’s a fun read.

As a bonus gift that is yours to keep no matter what, please enjoy this picture of a puppy. That’s not all! If you order now, we’ll also let you enjoy this picture of an iguana. 

Zooey Deschanel Found in Fake News Story

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanna make purple?

 

LOS ANGELES – Actress Zooey Deschanel, who is set to play herself in the upcoming Zooey Deschanel biopic, Zooey Deschanel’s Existential Solution, found herself on the front page of the popular fake news journal The Anvil today in what some experts are calling a blatant attempt by the satirical news media to draw clicks from unsuspecting Deschanel fans.

“It’s particularly appalling to bandy about Zooey Deschanel’s name in a fake news story,” says media analyst and International Blindfolded Dart Throwing Federation champion Sir Edmund Bollocks. “A good fake news story uses satire to mock the caprices and eccentricities of modern society. What has Ms. Deschanel done that is both topical and begging for criticism? Nothing. Shouldn’t we be skewering the current political process instead?”

He also said, “Did you notice how many times the article uses her name in an underhanded effort to manipulate search engines? It’s Zooey Deschanel this and Zooey Deschanel that. I bite my thumb at any villain who sullies Ms. Deschanel’s good name in this way!”

Deschanel is believed by many to be overly adorable.

In an odd twist, The Anvil also mentioned obscure 1970s Italian movie director Sergio Martino in the same article, though the retired filmmaker has no known connection to Deschanel. Martino’s 1972 film, Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key bears a name so unwieldy that scientists say it is statistically impossible someone would type it into an internet search box.

The strange, contradictory move has some experts questioning The Anvil’s motives

You thought I was making it up, didn't you?

“I’ve never heard of Sergio Martino,” says Bollocks, “but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s part of an Italian film syndicate that’s in cahoots with a fake news industry bent on promoting films with horribly unmarketable names. Don’t be shocked when you see the name ‘Sergio Martino’ appear in the article several times.”

 

Bollocks adds, “Sergio Martino this, Sergio Martino that.  It’s just the kind of crass act you’ll find being perpetrated by these so-called satirists.”

When reached for comment on the fast-exploding scandal, Deschanel said, “I’m cute!”

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Editorial note: I’m sorry today’s story is so weird. I write what the toaster oven tells me to write.

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Celebrity look-alikes with a twist

I came here for the fake news and all I got was a stupid link!

 

Hey gang. You might get a laugh from an article I wrote today for Pure Film Creative, where I am a contributing writer. It’s a celebrity look-alike piece from a slightly abstract perspective.

Click here to view.

If you find yourself bitter and angry about being lured here without a fake news story to read, I hope I can appease you with this kitty cat picture. The last one was a big hit.

– Eric

Godzilla’s career on the rocks after sex scandal

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Godzilla at the White House last year (file photo)

TOKYO – Godzilla, considered by many to be the world’s biggest movie star, may find his career in shambles following revelations he fathered a child by another woman while married to Mrs. Godzilla.

The mystery woman, who has not given her name, came forward last week to declare that her five-year-old son was the offspring of the cinematic giant. She said she was suspicious from the beginning when the child hatched from an egg and resembled a dinosaur.

“I wanted to believe it was my husband’s, but inside I knew the truth,” she said in an exclusive interview today with The Anvil. “Still, I wouldn’t trade that one night of passion for anything.”

The woman’s husband was quoted by witnesses as bragging, “My wife did Godzilla!”

 

The Mystery Woman

When the allegations first surfaced, fans and entertainment reporters alike expected a quick denial from the saurian star. When none was forthcoming, suspicions were aroused. Then came the bombshell: Mrs. Godzilla’s public announcement that she was separating from her husband after 25 years of marriage.

“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR,” she said, maintaining her composure in the face of reporters’ probing, sometimes intensely personal questions.

Godzilla quickly admitted to the affair and said he would take full responsibility for the child’s educational and financial needs.

Though he was praised for being forthright about the scandal, Godzilla’s star status is taking a hit, as is his bank account. The actor was fired today from the upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger biopic, How Green was My Governor, in which Godzilla was set to star as the popular Austrian bodybuilder-turned-politician. Now, the dream of winning the academy award that has long eluded him may go unfulfilled at least a while longer.

Rival monster Gamera, The Flying Turtle is in talks to replace Godzilla on the film. Gamera won an Emmy last year for playing the island in the series finale of the TV show Lost.

 

Gamera, rising star

Godzilla and Mrs. Godzilla had no children during their two and a half decades of marriage, though Godzilla has a son, Minya, from a previous relationship.

Godzilla was briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1960s.

He rose to fame in Japan in the 1950s when he starred in legendary director Akira Kurosawa’s The 700-ft Samurai. His first American film was Giant, in which he played the titular character opposite the late James Dean. His biggest hit was the film Immense (1999), the sequel to 1997’s Titanic.

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Life takes strange turns, doesn’t it? For example, until a week ago, I never thought I’d be reviewing a fashion exhibit for an entertainment blog, yet if you go check out my new story for Pure Film Creative, that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s a sample of it from the Alexander McQueen show currently in New York. Click the link above to read my take on it.

 

Does this make my butt look big?

New Lady Gaga song offends Catholics, people with ears

By Lacy Thundercake

Not even people with weird hats like Lady Gaga's new song, "Judas."

LOS ANGELES – Pop star Lady Gaga took a short break from her 2011 Plastic-Outfit-A-Day challenge to release a new single entitled Judas, a provocative religion-themed song that has Catholics everywhere incensed. To add to the controversy, Gaga has recently been performing the song dressed as biblical figure Mary Magdalene, specifically from the period that Magdalene was said to have worn a cellophane dress with tape over her nipples, a thong, and a nun’s headgear (John 3:16).

 An irate catholic identifying himself as Pope Benedict released a statement today that read, in part, “This song is a clear affront to all people of spiritual belief, though I haven’t heard it. I demand that the harlot’s record label immediately withdraw the song from radio stations, retail stores, and internet music sites. Blah, blah, so on and so forth. Did you get all that? Type up a nice ending for me. Was I supposed to say ‘stop’ before?”

In addition to being a pop singer and prolific recycler, Gaga, whose real name is Didn’tMadonnaDoThisTwentyYearsAgo,ButBetter, is also a renowned theologian who believes the story of Judas Iscariot is underrepresented in the world of disposable bubble-gum pop music.

“Like me,” Gaga said recently while serving as a panel member at Oxford University’s post-graduate theological conference, “Judas is persecuted, rightly or wrongly. Did he lead the Nazis to Jesus? Did he not? Am I typical of egotistical celebrities who equate photographers taking my picture with martyrdom? Or not?”

Catholics may be offended by the song, but it’s hard to argue that Gaga doesn’t know her new testament intimately, based on this lyric sample:

Hey Judas, why did you do dis?

You sold your boss out for some coins

I’d like to kick you in the groins

Da Vinci depicted you wit’ paint

But that don’t make you a saint!

Break it down. Hey!

 

Even in the secular world, Gaga’s newest single is causing a stir.

‘People With Ears,’ a loose affiliation of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Tea Party members, and Greens, has launched a new campaign called Make it Stop!, with the stated goal of eradicating all music that could be mistaken for the theme song to a Nickelodeon ‘tween comedy.

Says the group’s founder, Pinky Middleton of Cleveland Ohio, “That Lady Gaga song sounds like someone from iCarly got drunk after Sunday school and decided to record a song about it.”

Researchers from Princeton University who track people’s reactions to Lady Gaga songs initially claimed that the only people not offended by the single were deaf atheists. They later retracted the statement when it was learned that an organization of deaf atheists called ‘Imaginary Gods Don’t Hear Prayers, And Neither Can I’ had come forward to report that they, too, didn’t like it.

“Whenever I feel the vibrations of a speaker playing that song, I’m outta there,” signed the organization’s president, Topaz Xu.

In unrelated news, Lady Gaga’s music label, Toothache Records, announced a joint marketing effort with the PR firm, Vatican City Promotions, to generate free publicity.

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Hello, Anvil readers. Be sure to stop by Pure film Creative to read my latest column, Rock Saved the Queen. Just in time to insult our newest friend, Alannah Murphy, I tell all about what horrid, ghastly, wicked people the British are!

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Today’s wonderful image created by Sandra Tarsitano

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Pope performs exorcism on Charlie Sheen

Demon Rick James sent back to Hell

By Lacy Thundercake       

Performing exorcism: Almost as dangerous as driving taxi

LOS ANGELES – Pope Benedict made a rare appearance in Los Angeles yesterday to perform an exorcism on actor Charlie Sheen, who was believed to have been possessed by the evil spirit of late soul singer Rick James. The ceremony, which lasted four hours and was shown live on E! and MTV, began with an agitated Sheen urinating on the floor, which surprised no one. It ended with the Pontiff requesting the apparently cured actor’s autograph for his niece.

Sheen’s recent bizarre behavior – which included naked tirades, prostitute abuse, and calling TV producers who pay him millions of dollars to make snarky comments for a half hour a week “clowns” – was sufficient evidence for entertainment scientists to declare him possessed.  

“Plus, his head was spinning and he was, like, singing, ‘superfreak, superfreak,’” says Brandi Sparkleshadow, science consultant for the celebrity gossip web site TMZ. “Or so I heard.”

Pope Benedict, a catholic, arrived at LAX yesterday morning aboard the papal jet Gabriel One and met privately – and simultaneously -with both Sheen and the demon. Legendary boxing referee Mills Lane was also present to lay ground rules for the exorcism and, in the words of one eyewitness, “to add an air of solemnity to the proceedings.”

During the bout, Benedict chanted bible verses in Latin, a language the demon of Rick James did not appear to understand. The Pontiff was forced to conduct the remainder of the session in English, an archaic version of Jive. Later, referee Lane deducted a point from James for projectile vomiting, a form of demon counterattack that was outlawed in the 1970s.

Scientists are not sure how Rick James became a demon, but some Catholics believe that, when he passed away in 2004, his body transubstantiated into Pure Funk, leaving his cocaine-addled spirit free to possess the souls of celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and former vice presidential candidate John Edwards.

Others believe that’s b*llsh*t.

Yesterday’s exorcism ended on a quiet note when the Pope shook a wet microphone at Sheen, whose body went limp. The demon spirit of Rick James quickly boarded a funkadelic starship piloted by George Clinton, which blasted off before authorities could apprehend him.

According to eyewitnesses, a groggy Sheen later said, “Wow, the last thing I remember was winning critical praise for Platoon.”

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The Anvil extends sympathy to the victims and survivors of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and hopes for the best as the people there begin to put their lives back together. We share one world. – OA

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Oscar recap: Male-female co-host experiment is a disaster!

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Wolfman, winner of the Best Make-up Oscar

 

LOS ANGELES – ABC producers have to be lamenting their decision to hire Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan as co-hosts of the 83^rd Annual Academy Awards, which aired Sunday night. What  started as a promising idea ended in disaster when the erratic stars stayed true to recent form and nearly sank the broadcast with their bizarre behavior.

Sheen, whose sitcom, What Happened to Emilio?, has been put on hiatus for the remainder of the television season, showed up 20 minutes late, forcing producers to fill the gap with old Popeye cartoons. The troubled actor walked on stage fully nude and, instead of delivering a monologue, beat up a prostitute and shouted profanities for 5 minutes. He was arrested and taken into custody by police just before the Best Animated Short film award was announced, prompting presenter Tom Hanks to quip, “What the f**k?” 

Audiences were shocked when many of the favorites in the major award categories, including Natalie Portman for Best Actress and The King’s Speech for Best Picture, failed to capture statuettes. It was later alleged that Sheen’s co-host, Lohan, had stolen the sealed envelopes announcing the winners and replaced them with her own. The originals were found in the trunk of Lohan’s car, which she initially claimed was not hers, despite the registration card in the glove compartment with her name on it.

She later said, ‘Me and Price Waterhouse Cooper are, like, really good friends, so I was just borrowing the envelopes from him.” 

To her credit, the plucky star finished her hosting duties without the help of Sheen.

Despite the grumbling of some nominees who walked away from the awards ceremony empty handed, ABC producers said that, once a winner’s name is read on the air, the victory is official. With that in mind, here are yesterday’s winners in the major categories:

Best Supporting Actress – Lindsay Lohan, Machete

Best Supporting Actor Actress Part II – Lindsay Lohan, Freaky Friday

Best Actress – Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me

Best Actor Actress Part II – Lindsay Lohan, Herbie Fully Loaded

Best Director – Lindsay Lohan 

­Best Film – Lindsay Lohan

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Wile E. Coyote killed on set of Roadrunner cartoon

By Lacy Thundercake

Warning: Graphic Photo

Wile E. Coyote, dead at 63

 

LOS ANGELES – Wile E. Coyote, the only actor to ever play the coyote on the long-running Warner Brothers cartoon, Roadrunner, was killed in a tragic on-set accident today. He was 63.

The disaster occurred when Coyote ran through the wrong fake tunnel entrance and tumbled over a cliff ledge. Though the actual drop is only about 20 feet, the actor missed the safety mats and landed on a cement floor. An on-set doctor was unable to resuscitate him.

It is uncertain whether Coyote was inadvertently sent into the wrong tunnel by stunt coordinators or he simply made a fatal mistake. Warner Brothers officials are promising a full investigation.

“I don’t know how this could have happened,” said the show’s director, Elroy Jetson, himself a former cartoon actor. “We’ve done this stunt a million times. It’s just a tragedy.”

Coyote’s co-star in the show, Road Runner, also 63, was too despondent too speak with reporters, but his agent later released a statement that read, “Meep Meep.”

Despite the joy cartoons bring to millions of viewers around the world every day, injury and death are no strangers to the industry. Fred Flintstone, who died in 1990 at the age of 70, spent his later years hobbled by crippling back pain that resulted from having to lift a car made with heavy stone wheels in nearly every episode of his hit show, The Flintstones. Another cartoon star, Popeye, endured frequent bouts of kidney stones caused by excess spinach consumption.

Tom T. Cat, who played “Tom” on Tom and Jerry from 1950 to 1957 and now resides in a retirement home for aged cartoon characters in Los Angeles, recounts several on-set mishaps.

“Sometimes it was the simple stuff that was the most dangerous,” he says. “I remember one time my character was supposed to have his tail slammed in a door. The stunt men rigged the door up incorrectly and I ended up with three broken bones.”

Cat explains, “It wasn’t the shootings or the electrocutions that were the problem. Those sockets weren’t live. The sparks were added in post [production, by special effects artists], of course.”

Perhaps the most famous cartoon film set accident prior to today’s tragedy was the death of Warner Brothers star Porky Pig in 1971, who was killed at the age of 65 when an anvil (no relation to this news journal) was dropped on his head. That incident lead to a worldwide ban on anvil stunts in cartoons.

Ironically, Pig had become famous because of an anvil-dropping accident decades earlier. The portly performer had struggled for years to make a name for himself in Hollywood… until he suffered an anvil-related head injury in 1939 and developed a stutter. Audiences were so charmed by his speech impediment that he was soon given his own show, although he is probably best remembered for his guest appearances on Bugs Bunny in the 1950s and 60s.

Pig was eventually replaced as a guest performer by Elmer J. Fudd, who himself died from a shotgun blast while hunting rabbits in 1977.

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America Crowns Miss Teen Zombie USA

By Lacy Thundercake

Miss Teen Zombie USA 2011

“Here she comes, your entrails in her mouth.”

Millions of television viewers heard those words sung last night as Deidre “Dee” Kay of Tennessee was crowned the first-ever Miss Teen Zombie USA. That’s when Corporeal Entropy as a Result of Dental Aggression by Cannibal Corpse became America’s song. And young Ms. Kay became America’s Zombie.

Kay, who was not expected to challenge for the crown, overcame stiffening competition from runners up Miss California and Miss New Mexico, thanks to her combination of talent and charm. Miss Minnesota, the favorite going in, was shot in the head by a redneck last week and thrown onto a bonfire, thus forcing her to drop out. Another contender, Miss New Hampshire, had to exit the pageant early when her arms fell off.

The event, which was broadcast last night from the Uneeda Medical Supply Pavilion in Los Angeles, featured 18- and 19-year-old undead women from 49 states and the District of Columbia vying for the Miss Teen Zombie title. Kay impressed the judges during the talent competition by eviscerating a screaming human with her teeth in less than three minutes. When asked what she planned do if she won the competition, she told the audience she wanted to host the first zombie cooking show.

“While I can shred raw flesh was well as anyone,” she said, “I want to teach young zombies that paprika and steaming intestines can co-exist on a dinner plate.”

Kay also said she wants to make sure all zombies to have equal access to embalming fluid, which she drinks daily and credits for scaring away flies.

After pageant host Larry King placed the tiara on her head, an emotional Kay said, “I’d be crying right now if I weren’t so desiccated.”

Profile of Deidre Kay, the new Miss Teen Zombie USA

 Age at time of reanimation – 18

Favorite movie – My dinner, Andre

Favorite TV show – *&@! My Dad Says When Gnawing on a Femur

Favorite song – I love the Dead by Alice Cooper

Favorite literary character – Hannibal Lecter

Favorite historical figure – Lazarus

Most embarrassing moment – “Shouting ‘Braaaaaiiiiinnnnssss!’ when I met the First Lady Michelle Obama last year. I had planned to say something more profound. She looked perturbed.”

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