THE ANVIL

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Archive for November, 2010

Massive quake strikes FarmVille; Facebook users pledge millions in aid

Posted by oldancestor on November 2, 2010

By Eric J Baker

**Warning: Graphic Photo**

 

Aerial shot of Farmville quake aftermath

FACEBOOK – FarmVille, the world’s most populous city, was struck by a devastating earthquake this afternoon measuring 11.9 on the Richter scale. Early reports estimate the death toll at twenty million, plus their friends, though that number is expected to rise.

Seismologists say the quake occurred at 4:50 p.m. EST, sending thousands of cows and pigs hurtling though the air and crushing their owners to death. Many others were swallowed up by churning blue soil. If the current victim count is accurate, the disaster will go on record as the deadliest in human history.

Donations are already pouring in from around the world, led by Facebook users who spend most of their time in FarmVille.

“I’ve been out of work for a year,” says Roweena Hotpepper, a long-time Facebook member, “but I sent my whole unemployment check. Those poor people need that money more than I do.”

Pinky Middleton, no stranger to unnatural disasters, said he plans to head to FarmVille tomorrow to help with the relief effort. “I was in Myspace when it got hit by the Exodus,” he says. “It’s a ghost town now. I don’t want that to happen to FarmVille.”

To understand the scope of destruction wrought by an 11.9 quake, we asked Dr. Cracky McShake, a seismologist from Detroit University Online, to explain.

“The Richter scale is really dumb,” he says. “Each decimal point higher is, like, a gajillion times worse than the one before. What use is that? It’s like getting paid ten bucks an hour, and your first raise is to a hundred bucks an hour. Then a thousand. How the hell are you supposed to work out your tax bracket?”

But what does that mean for the survivors of the FarmVille quake?

“Survivors?” McShake says with a laugh. “There aren’t any survivors. Do you have any idea what an eleven point nine quake is like? It’s like a house of cards getting hit by a hurricane. It’s like a model train village getting obliterated by a cluster bomb. It’s like your wife and kids disappointing you so very very badly that you have to chop them up with an axe and put their remains through a wood chipper, and then throw those remains into a bonfire. Then you move to Utah or Nebraska or somewhere and change your identity. Eventually you get some bogus position at a fake online university. But that doesn’t stop the voices. The voices that order you to kill and kill again and go on killing until the voices stop.”

He went on to say, “It’s like that.”

Scientists disagree on what caused today’s FarmVille quake. A few fringe members of the scientific community claim it was caused two adjacent tectonic plates slipping or pushing against each other. But most mainstream seismologists and geologists believe it was the result of an angry god punishing us.

Several deities have already claimed responsibility. God, CEO of the popular faith, Christianity, said through his spokesperson, Pat Robertson, “This is what all those people get for being heathens and engaging in bestiality and not voting Republican.”

No so fast, says the Norse god, Thor.

“Thor angry. Thor use hammer,” the son of Odin told The Anvil. “I say, ‘It’s hammer time’ and FarmVille crumbles.”

He added, “Can’t touch this.”

When reached at his home on Mount Olympus, Zeus, the king of the gods, said, “Of course I destroyed FarmVille. Probably. I’ve destroyed so many civilizations I don’t even know I’m doing it anymore.”

When informed that other deities were also claiming credit, the philandering overlord added, “Other gods? Look, I was God before god as a word. Don’t make me burn down another giant Jesus statue.”

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