THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Archive for January, 2012

Zooey Deschanel Found in Fake News Story

Posted by oldancestor on January 20, 2012

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanna make purple?

 

LOS ANGELES – Actress Zooey Deschanel, who is set to play herself in the upcoming Zooey Deschanel biopic, Zooey Deschanel’s Existential Solution, found herself on the front page of the popular fake news journal The Anvil today in what some experts are calling a blatant attempt by the satirical news media to draw clicks from unsuspecting Deschanel fans.

“It’s particularly appalling to bandy about Zooey Deschanel’s name in a fake news story,” says media analyst and International Blindfolded Dart Throwing Federation champion Sir Edmund Bollocks. “A good fake news story uses satire to mock the caprices and eccentricities of modern society. What has Ms. Deschanel done that is both topical and begging for criticism? Nothing. Shouldn’t we be skewering the current political process instead?”

He also said, “Did you notice how many times the article uses her name in an underhanded effort to manipulate search engines? It’s Zooey Deschanel this and Zooey Deschanel that. I bite my thumb at any villain who sullies Ms. Deschanel’s good name in this way!”

Deschanel is believed by many to be overly adorable.

In an odd twist, The Anvil also mentioned obscure 1970s Italian movie director Sergio Martino in the same article, though the retired filmmaker has no known connection to Deschanel. Martino’s 1972 film, Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key bears a name so unwieldy that scientists say it is statistically impossible someone would type it into an internet search box.

The strange, contradictory move has some experts questioning The Anvil’s motives

You thought I was making it up, didn't you?

“I’ve never heard of Sergio Martino,” says Bollocks, “but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s part of an Italian film syndicate that’s in cahoots with a fake news industry bent on promoting films with horribly unmarketable names. Don’t be shocked when you see the name ‘Sergio Martino’ appear in the article several times.”

 

Bollocks adds, “Sergio Martino this, Sergio Martino that.  It’s just the kind of crass act you’ll find being perpetrated by these so-called satirists.”

When reached for comment on the fast-exploding scandal, Deschanel said, “I’m cute!”

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Editorial note: I’m sorry today’s story is so weird. I write what the toaster oven tells me to write.

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Posted in Entertainment News, Media | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Russian Space Probe Sent to Study Pacific Ocean Lands Successfully

Posted by oldancestor on January 15, 2012

By Robotman

Russian space probe in low-earth orbit

MOSCOW – Engineers and scientists at the Russian Space Federation cheered wildly on Sunday when their $127 spacecraft, Czar Trek II, successfully smashed to pieces upon crashing into the Pacific Ocean. The impact was the culmination of years of planning, followed by a week of scrambling after the vehicle was unable to escape Earth’s orbit and head to its original destination, Mars.

“We had to go with Plan Б,” said Space Federation spokesman Dmitri Crashnikov at yesterday’s press conference. “We can’t go to Mars, so we study ocean. Anyway, Mars is boring. Ocean has lots of creatures.”

Some critics accused the Russians of cutting corners by using an old Atari game console to navigate the craft, while other critics say the new film in the Mission Impossible franchise, Ghost Protocol, is the best of the four.

Not everyone agrees.

“When was the last good movie about Mars?” asks film enthusiast and redneck Pinky Middleton, conflating two unrelated concepts from a previous paragraph. “Angry Red Planet from 1959? Meanwhile, there are tons of good movies about the Pacific Ocean, like The Abyss, and all those World War II films where we fought the Japs.”

Data from Russia’s Pacific Ocean probe is not expected to be transmitted, as the craft was obliterated on impact.

“You American are too – how do you say it – old fashioned,” says Crashnikov. “Always with boring data about rocks and more rocks. In Russia, we study splash.”

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Hey kids, why not head over to PFC to check out Why Did They Cancel the Leper Hockey Game?, my write-up of SyFy channel’s special effects reality show Face Off, which includes the usual digressions and perversions. Better yet, maybe adults should be the ones who check it out.

Posted in Science, Technology, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »