ROMNEY DEFEATS OBAMA!

by Lennie

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

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Document Proves President WAS Born in Kenya

 

Africa: Illegal president factory?

By Lacy Thundercake

NAIROBI – An exclusive document obtained by The Anvil today proves that Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki was indeed born in the African nation he leads. Skeptics have long claimed that he is actually a rich, white businessman from the United States who exploited his family’s political connections to win office.

The mysterious document, known in media circles as “The Wikipedia Page,” not only identifies Kibaki’s birthplace as Gatuyaini, Kenya, it also provides paragraph after paragraph of information that is too boring to read. A photograph attached to the document, dated 2003, shows Kibaki meeting then U.S. President George W. Bush outside the White House, fueling speculation that, while Kibaki may not have been born in the United States, he has visited.

Some conspiracy theorists claim that the photograph was actually taken on the moon, where a mock-up of the White House exists for exactly these kinds of photo opportunities.

“NASA carts world leaders to the moon all the time,” says Pinky Middleton, founder of Luna-tix, a group demanding that the aerospace agency make moon-trip tickets available to the civilian public. “I don’t think my taxes should pay for government things if I don’t directly get nothing out of it.”

Middleton says he is using this year’s tax refund to turn his trailer into a moon rocket. “Next time Obama is up there shaking hands with some Swedish dude or whatever, I’m going to drop right in between them and moon everybody. Ha ha. Moon. I didn’t even get that ‘til just now.”

President Obama himself has been dogged by questions about his biological origins since he took office over three years ago, particularly since his mitochondrial DNA was traced back to southeastern Africa 200,000 years ago.

When reached by phone at his home office in Washington, D.C., President Obama told The Anvil, “Look. All modern humans’ mtDNA can be traced back to Africa 200,000 years ago. So, you know, every president we’ve ever had came from Africa.”

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus responded to the President’s assertion by stating, “If we believed in evolution, we’d be mighty upset right now.”

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Newsflash: Nothing Happened Today

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The Sun and daytime... is there a connection?

EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13^th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51^st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.

White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.

“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”

Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”

NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”

She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”

With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.

 

The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.

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Dearest darling Anvil readers.

Please check out my new Pure Film Creative post where I obsess about DEATH,

continue to dazzle you with my knowledge of art,

and prattle on about the usual stuff: Lindsay Lohan, zombies, and attemtped murder

Click here to be enlightened.

!

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Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Michele Bachmann

WASHINGTON DC – Minnesota congresswoman and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann admitted to reporters today that she is the indeed the notorious serial killer “Tea Bag Tom,” who has been terrorizing residents of eight northern states for over two years. Earlier in the week, Bachmann confirmed she was recently possessed by the spirit of executed murderer John Wayne Gacy, which could be the motive behind the killing spree.

“I envision an America where personal responsibility means something,” Bachmann said just after her confession. “That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to step up and take personal responsibility for my murders.”

Since March of 2009, 20 bodies have been found across a region stretching from Montana to Illinois. Though no obvious signs of trauma were evident on the victims’ corpses, police say their faces were all frozen in a look of terror that could only be caused by hearing the phrase, “President Michele Bachmann.” Reporters began calling the then-unidentified killer “Tea Bag Tom” when all the letters on their keyboards besides a, b, e, g, m, o, and t stopped working.

“We also tried ‘A Gate Tomb’ and ‘Eat Mat Bog,’ but they just didn’t have that ‘serial killer’ ring to them,” says Pinky Middleton, an investigative reporter for the Fargo Atlantic Press in North Dakota. “Plus, the killer signed the bodies with ‘Tom was here’ and stuffed tea bags in the victims mouths, which made the decision a bit easier.”

Political pundits are divided on how the murder confession will affect Bachmann’s presidential ambitions. Sean Hannity of Fox News told his viewers today, “Who cares? The victims were all prostitutes and liberals, which is the same thing anyway. She was doing the world a favor.”

Indeed, Bachmann says, “I support freedom for all Americans who are Christian conservative white people. My so-called ‘victims’ were freedom thieves, darn it.”

Not everyone agrees that Bachmann will emerge with her election hopes intact. Keith Olbermann of Current TV, whose name also ends in ‘mann’ but starts with ‘Olber,’ told his viewer today, “I’d say she’ll burn in hell for this, but we liberals are all secretly atheists anyway, and we don’t believe in that shiznit.”

Controversial commentator Glenn Beck weighed in on the issue this evening by telling his radio listeners that Michele Bachmann is a great American. He also said President Obama is putting nano-bots into the nation’s water supply that will take over our minds and make us beat up old ladies while voting for bigger government. He also cried and advised his listeners to buy Glenn Beck brand filtered water, which is “99.9 percent nano-bot free.”  

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Hi there, Anvil readers. Words below the asterisk can only mean one thing: I’m hyping my new Pure Film Creative post entitled “The underage-sex reverse Richter scale.” In it I talk movies, art, and perversion. Artful nudity warning, but, unless you are super uptight, I doubt you’ll be offended. Click here for the story.

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Superman: “All this power, and I couldn’t do Lois’ taxes.”

By Eric J Baker

Superman finally defeated... by the IRS! (© 2011 Mark Armstrong)

METROPOLIS – It took the U.S. tax code to do what kryptonite never could: Defeat the Man of Steel.

An anguished Superman admitted to reporters yesterday that, despite his extensive powers, he was unable to complete girlfriend Lois Lane’s 2010 tax return. “She runs a small business in another state, inherited money from overseas, collects rent from a sublet, and did some freelance writing last year,” he said. “No amount of spinning the Earth backward can undo that tax train wreck.”

Superman’s former nemesis, Lex Luthor, now a Washington D.C. lobbyist who advises members of both major parties on how to make life more miserable for ordinary citizens, said of the crime fighter’s predicament, “Muhahahahahahahahahaha!”

Lane got into her own embarrassing predicament last night when she was pulled over and arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated, allegedly telling the arresting officer, “Everybody lies on their tax return. Except for Mr. Perfect. He’s just got to report every [expletive deleted] penny. Candy [expletive deleted]!”

She also reportedly said, “He ain’t no man of steel either, if you know what I mean. Whoever said he’s faster than a speeding bullet must have been an ex-girlfriend.”

Indeed, it’s been a difficult several months for the superhero, who has struggled to get his political career untracked. Despite calling himself  the “tough on crime” candidate, he came in a distant third in Metropolis’s City Council election last November. Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.

He’s also been dogged by accusations he was not actually born on the planet Krypton. Ultraconservative millionaire Bruce Wayne has led the charge, making frequent public demands that Superman release a copy of his Krypton birth certificate.

Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.

“He wants proof Superman was born on Krypton,” says Kent. “Well, by golly, I want proof his parents weren’t featured extras in the movie Deliverance.”

The man of steel isn’t the only superhero having trouble making sense of America’s tax code before the April 18^th filing deadline. Physicist Bruce Banner, who becomes the Incredible Hulk when angered, twice changed into the oversized green monster this week when he discovered the Internal Revenue Service would not let him claim more than three pairs of purple pants as a business expense.

When contacted by The Anvil, a spokesperson for the IRS said, “Who does he think he is, Prince?”

Yesterday, an extra-angry Hulk punched his way through the wall at IRS headquarters in Washington DC and began cramming tax forms down the throats of agency staffers. President Obama quickly arrived in a superhero uniform and put a stop to the mayhem by promising the Hulk a quick resolution to his tax problems.

“We’ve learned from dealing with Wall Street bankers that the best way to address appalling behavior is to coddle and give the perpetrator whatever he wants,” the President later told reporters at a White House press conference.

The Hulk, standing beside President Obama, added, “HULK SMASH PUNY HUMAN!”

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The Anvil gives a very special thanks to illustrator Mark Armstrong for providing today’s image. Be sure to visit Mark’s Web site to see more of his great artwork.

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Obama vows to continue observing (and not interfering with) earthlings’ affairs

By Eric J Baker

Election night 2008: Obama's spaceship arrives with great fanfare

WASHINGTON DC – President Sparak Obama, the first Vulcan-American ever elected president, told ABC’s Barbara Walters today that he is proud to have followed Starfleet Federation’s prime directive, which is to avoid influencing events on any planet with indigenous life, including Earth. The President, who was born here but spent part of his youth at the Vulcan Academy, says his primary responsibility as an interplanetary representative is to monitor situations.

 

“Take the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan or the civil war in Libya,” Obama told Walters. “I have been observing both situations with intellectual curiosity from a great distance.  Though, in truth, I’ve also been standing by at the ready, which is slightly bending the rules.”

 

During the half-hour interview that aired nationally on ABC affiliates at 7 p.m. eastern time this evening, the President said he strongly believes in democracy as a philosophical concept. When Walters asked if it was then tough for him to watch the rebels in Libya being crushed by dictator Muammar Gaddafi’s forces, he replied, “It certainly is an interesting addition to Earth’s historical record.”

 

Voices on all sides of the political spectrum have criticized the President at various times in his two-and-a-half years in office for his seemingly detached demeanor in the face of national and international crises. During the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico last year, which dragged on for months, Obama was roundly panned for saying, “Oil is a natural, organic material. I fail to see why its presence is so alarming.”

 

One area of public policy where the President has been more active is health care reform, with his efforts culminating in a bill last year meant to overhaul the nation’s system of dispensing medical care to its citizens. During last January’s State of the Union address, Obama said, “It is illogical to resist expanded access to health care,” in the hopes of heading off cries from conservatives that at least some aspects of the law are unconstitutional.

 

The President has also been dogged by a small but vocal group of critics who claim he was not born on this planet and are demanding proof he is actually half human. Known as the “Earther” movement, few in Washington or in the news media take them seriously, but their persistent accusations are just one more distraction for a busy leader who vowed on national TV tonight to monitor, observe, and stand by with renewed vigor entering the 2012 election season.

 

When reached for comment on this article, President Obama said, “The metaphor in your fourth paragraph, ‘voices on all sides of the political spectrum,’ does not hold up to semantic scrutiny. A spectrum, being light rather than a dimensional object or a representation of such, does not have sides.”

Obama to Alito: “In Yo Face!”

WASHINGTON DC – An increasingly erratic President Obama delivered a State of the Union speech last night that could best be described as rambling, nonsensical, and, eventually, violent.  

Speaking before members of both houses of Congress as well as several Supreme Court Justices, the President set the tone early by reaching into the lectern and withdrawing a Chalupa from Taco Bell. While unwrapping the fast-food snack, he said, “My fellow Americans, did you know that Taco Bell has been calling the stuff in here ‘beef,’ when it’s actually mostly soy filler and flavoring?”

Met with silence, a visibly disgusted Obama threw the Chalupa to the floor beneath the podium, saying, “Aw, f**k it.”

It is not clear whether the expletive was part of the speech or an unscripted moment.

The president then turned his attention to the Supreme Court Justices seated before him and, presumably paraphrasing a line of dialog from The Shining, said, “You know, you guys turned out to be a couple of completely unreliable a**holes.”

Justice Samuel Alito, echoing a dispute that took place between the President and Supreme Court Justices during last year’s State of the Union address, appeared to mouth the words, “Not true.”

Jabbing his finger toward the judge, President Obama responded by saying, “In Yo Face!” then leapt from the stage in an alleged attempt to strangle him.

The two men briefly exchanged blows and, in a bipartisan effort, were separated by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Before the President’s address could be resumed, another fight broke out, not between Republicans and Democrats but between Senators and Representatives. With strength in numbers, the congressional reps were able to subdue the Senators, though it was reported that, in the melee, TV personality Geraldo Rivera’s nose was broken by a flying chair.  It was unclear whether the chair was thrown or flew on its own.

Once order was restored, President Obama was able to finish his speech, which included bits about investing in the nation’s infrastructure or something.

In a post-address rebuttal, a bloodied and bruised Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman told television audiences she was proud of the way Republicans and Democrats were able to resolve their differences during the speech.

“This is the way our forefathers intended government to work,” she said. “They knew that statesmanship and diplomacy were stupid in the fourteen-hundreds, and they’re stupid now.”

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Labor Day: America pauses to remember employment

By Eric J Baker

Wanted: Trudy, 53, last seen Wednesdays from 6 to midnight at Jiggle's GoGo Palace

In a show of solidarity with the unemployed, Americans who have the last of the nation’s existing jobs (thanks to a grandfather clause) will take Monday off from work and goof around like their out-of-work counterparts do everyday. Office workers will host backyard barbeques. Road crews will trade shovels for beach umbrellas. Depressed journalists will file their stupid Labor Day fluff pieces and then hit the bar, numbing their meaningless lives with shot after shot of Southern Comfort and waking up nine hours later next to a 53-year-old stripper named Trudy, with no memory of what transpired between.

At what is sure to be a solemn ceremony, President Obama will hang a memorial wreath on the door of a downtown Washington DC unemployment office Monday and say something like, “While we encourage Americans to go out and have a great time, it’s important that we all take a moment to remember employment. Millions of jobs gave their lives so bank CEOs can buy yachts. We must never forget that.”

Some readers may remember the Employment Period, which lasted from the dawn of civilization until 2008, with a notable pause in the early 1930s. During this time, people were often able to acquire jobs in exchange for financial compensation from job providers, frequently called “employers.” Most jobs were soul-sucking, meaningless affairs that left their holders depressed shells of human beings, but the compensation enabled them to purchase DVDs and shoes, thus mitigating the pain and encouraging them to continue working.

Some claim that jobs will become available again if the federal government passes tough new anti-immigration laws.

Conservative figurehead, author, politician, and attention whore Sarah Palin held a rally south of Fairfax, Virginia Sunday, calling it “Taking Back Real America,” at which she claimed lax immigration policies have led to undocumented Mexicans taking all the manufacturing jobs as well as Information Technology and middle-management corporate positions.

“People say all the jobs have gone overseas,” Palin told thousands of cheering supporters. “And they’re right… If ‘overseas’ means America and ‘jobs’ means people from Mexico, who, let me tell you, don’t even speak American most of the time.”

As onlookers struggled to make sense of her analogy, she went on to say, “But we’re starting to turn the tide. New immigration laws in North Carolina sure chased away Hurricane Earl in a big hurry. Even fake America was spared, but do they appreciate it? Nooooo!”

Earl, an undocumented category 4 hurricane, attempted to make landfall in North Carolina’s barrier islands but was repelled. It eventually entered Canada through Nova Scotia, which is known for its flimsy border security.

Pinky Middleton, a meteorologist from the National Weather Service in Chicago, says that Earl may still try to sneak into the US from somewhere along the eastern portion of the country’s border with Canada.

“These illegal hurricanes are crafty,” says Middleton, “But he’s liable to find himself out of luck. There aren’t any jobs left.”

Indeed, searches for “natural disaster” on Careerbuilder.com, Monster, and Hotjobs did not return any hits.

In other news, Trudy, I want my wallet back.

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WikiLeaks to release internet sex tape featuring President Obama, General McChrystal, and – surprise – Dick Cheney!

This is the only image we can show you from the tape, due to its racy content

By Eric J Baker

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA – International whistleblowing organization WikiLeaks, which recently made headlines by posting top-secret Pentagon papers relating to the war in Afghanistan on its website, is set to raise the stakes again in its often contentious relationship with the US Government by releasing a controversial sex tape to the public.

WikiLeaks founder Helmut Kaiser (who declined to be interviewed for this story) claimed on his organization’s Web site yesterday that the tape, purportedly featuring President Obama, retired General Stanley McChrystal, and former Vice President Dick Cheney in an illicit encounter, will prove that, “the new boss is the same as the old boss.”

The Anvil was able to obtain a copy of the tape, which, upon being viewed, revealed itself to be shaky, grainy, and not the least bit hot. Following one sequence at approximately the 12-minute mark, viewers may be reminded of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident in 2006, when the Vice President fired his weapon into the face of attorney Harry Whittington.

Poor photography aside, the tape raises surprising questions about political relationships, behind-the-scenes war planning, and Brazilian waxing for men.

“I thought Obama was a socialist, despite actions that are a virtually the same as those of George W Bush,” said popular Fox News television personality and conservative Sean Hannity. “This Dick Cheney connection has made me rethink my belief system. Because, you know, I’m a thinker.”

Rival news pundit Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said of the tape’s existence, “Ew.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied last night that it was President Obama on the tape, claiming instead “it’s that guy from the ‘Whoomp, there it is’ video.”

A WikiLeaks employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the uncensored sex tape will be posted online by tomorrow night. The worker also said viewers should watch to the end, despite the stomach-churning images, when it is revealed that General McChrystal was asked to step down as Commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan not for publicly criticizing the Obama administration, as was reported, but because he’s “nothin’ but a playa.”

This, according to the words of Dick Cheney, says the anonymous employee.

WikiLeaks, founded in 2006, professes to stand for public access to information, journalistic integrity, freedom of speech, and the joy of pissing people off. The Anvil has frequently been cited by the organization as the benchmark in fair, unbiased, and open fake news, particularly for our hard-hitting coverage of the Lindsay Lohan saga.

As Wiki’s main man himself, Helmut Kaiser, famously said in 2008, “Everything they say is completely fabricated, but, if it weren’t, it would be the place to go for truth and accuracy in reporting. The Anvil never makes the story about them, like some news journals do, and they don’t allow praise or favoritism to influence their total integrity.”

You should send money to Helmut Kaiser.

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Obama’s secret passion: Italian cannibal movies

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Cannibals and Zombies. Can you tell the difference?

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama revealed in a primetime interview last night he frequently watches 1970s and early 1980s Italian-made cannibal movies and that he owns an extensive collection of them on DVD. The films are usually set in South American jungles and are considered to be among the most violent and blood-drenched productions in cinema history.

Appearing on NBC’s newsmagazine show Scripted Dramas are Too Expensive, the President told host Chris Hansen, “When I need to think on an issue that affects Americans, I often put on an Italian cannibal movie. It clears my head and, you know, the answer reveals itself.”

First Lady Michele Obama, sitting beside her husband during the interview that took place in the White House, laughed at his comment, saying, “Yeah. He also watches them all day when we’re on vacation. It’s like an Italian-cannibal-movie marathon. Last time we were away he must have watched Make Them Die Slowly  a dozen times.”

That 1981 film, also released under the title, Cannibal Ferox, features numerous scenes of graphic flesh eating and dismemberment and once boasted on its theater-lobby poster of having been “banned in 31 countries.”

When asked by Hansen if their daughters were allowed to watch the film, the First Lady said, “Oh, yeah. Malia can name all 24 acts of barbaric cruelty in the order they occur in the movie.”

Why specifically Italian-made cannibal movies?

“Pretty much nobody else makes them,” says the First Lady.

The President also cites 1978’s notorious Cannibal Holocaust and 1977’s Trap Them and Kill Them (also known as Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals) as favorites.

“The one I watch the most though,” the President told America last night, “is Doctor Butcher MD. It just doesn’t let up. There’s some serious flesh eating in that one.”

Reaction from Republicans on Capital Hill was swift and harsh this morning.

“It’s outrageous that the President of the United States would make this claim,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Doctor Butcher MD isn’t a cannibal film. It’s a zombie film.”

Representative Eric Cantor (R-VA) echoed McConnell’s words, saying, “The alternate title is Zombie Holocaust. In neither title does the word ‘cannibal’ appear. The American people are not that easily fooled.”

When told of Cantor’s remarks, Vice President Biden said, “That’s bullsh*t. Has the congressman even watched the movie? The zombies show up with about 5 minutes left at the end. The rest is cannibals. It’s a cannibal movie.”

Online retailer Amazon.com reports sales of Italian cannibal DVDs are surging today. 1980’s Zombie Holocaust/Doctor Butcher MD appears to have benefited the most from all the controversy, ranking # 2 amongst all titles in sales today, up from 37,234th yesterday.

Earlier today, radio and television pundit Glenn Beck accused Amazon.com of being a leftist organization, asking radio listeners, “Don’t you find it more than a little coincidental that President Obama’s favorite movies are set in the Amazon jungle?”

An Amazon.com spokesperson denied any connection.

Scripted Dramas are Too Expensive host Hansen, who many feel was more interesting when he was humiliating child molesters on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator, is known for probing into his political guests’ hobbies and personal interests. On last week’s show, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin told Hansen that she relaxes by practicing her ABC’s and trying to memorize her board book, “Numbers 1-9.”

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