THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Election’

ROMNEY DEFEATS OBAMA!

Posted by Eric the Gray on November 7, 2012

by Lennie

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll

Posted by oldancestor on December 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Colonel Klink promises free colorectal exams for all

Des Moines, IA – GOP presidential hopeful Colonel Klink has topped our most recent election poll, largely on the strength of his nein, nein, nein tax plan, which, roughly translated, means, “No, no, no” new taxes. He led Newt Gingrich 22 percent to 18 percent in the survey of likely Republican voters conducted yesterday.

 

Klink was campaigning in Des Moines last night, where he told supporters he stands for “freedom, accountability, and competence in government.” He also said that if he does not win the upcoming Iowa caucuses, he has a panzer tank division standing by to take the state by force. 

 

Fellow GOP candidate Gingrich, in trying to fend off attacks from his rival, got himself into trouble Friday by comparing Klink’s campaign ads to Nazi propaganda and by referring to Klink himself as “Herr Commandant.”

 

When asked for a response to Gingrich’s comments, Klink said, “It’s pretty bad taste to imply someone is a Nazi. You just don’t do it. I assume he was joking, but there’s nothing funny about that period in history.”

 

He added, “For example, imagine if someone produced a TV sitcom set in a German prison camp in World War II. There’s no way that would be funny.”

 

Klink has thus far managed to avoid the scandals and controversies that have dogged other candidates and, in Herman Cain’s case, forced a withdrawal from the race. Despite having been born in Germany and, thus, being ineligible for the presidency, Klink has not faced any challenges from the so-called “birther” movement.

 

When The Anvil contacted the local chapter of the Flat-Birth Society to find out why they have not demanded that Klink’s birth records be made public, as they did with President Obama, the office’s spokesman Pinky Middleton said, “Because he’s white.”

 

Klink said he will no longer answer questions unrelated to domestic and foreign policy and referred all such inquiries to his campaign staff. In response to questions about Klink’s place of birth, opinions on TV sitcoms, and secret Nazi past, the candidate’s spokesman Sergeant Schultz told reporters today, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”  

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states

Posted by oldancestor on June 28, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Michele Bachmann

WASHINGTON DC – Minnesota congresswoman and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann admitted to reporters today that she is the indeed the notorious serial killer “Tea Bag Tom,” who has been terrorizing residents of eight northern states for over two years. Earlier in the week, Bachmann confirmed she was recently possessed by the spirit of executed murderer John Wayne Gacy, which could be the motive behind the killing spree.

“I envision an America where personal responsibility means something,” Bachmann said just after her confession. “That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to step up and take personal responsibility for my murders.”

Since March of 2009, 20 bodies have been found across a region stretching from Montana to Illinois. Though no obvious signs of trauma were evident on the victims’ corpses, police say their faces were all frozen in a look of terror that could only be caused by hearing the phrase, “President Michele Bachmann.” Reporters began calling the then-unidentified killer “Tea Bag Tom” when all the letters on their keyboards besides a, b, e, g, m, o, and t stopped working.

“We also tried ‘A Gate Tomb’ and ‘Eat Mat Bog,’ but they just didn’t have that ‘serial killer’ ring to them,” says Pinky Middleton, an investigative reporter for the Fargo Atlantic Press in North Dakota. “Plus, the killer signed the bodies with ‘Tom was here’ and stuffed tea bags in the victims mouths, which made the decision a bit easier.”

Political pundits are divided on how the murder confession will affect Bachmann’s presidential ambitions. Sean Hannity of Fox News told his viewers today, “Who cares? The victims were all prostitutes and liberals, which is the same thing anyway. She was doing the world a favor.”

Indeed, Bachmann says, “I support freedom for all Americans who are Christian conservative white people. My so-called ‘victims’ were freedom thieves, darn it.”

Not everyone agrees that Bachmann will emerge with her election hopes intact. Keith Olbermann of Current TV, whose name also ends in ‘mann’ but starts with ‘Olber,’ told his viewer today, “I’d say she’ll burn in hell for this, but we liberals are all secretly atheists anyway, and we don’t believe in that shiznit.”

Controversial commentator Glenn Beck weighed in on the issue this evening by telling his radio listeners that Michele Bachmann is a great American. He also said President Obama is putting nano-bots into the nation’s water supply that will take over our minds and make us beat up old ladies while voting for bigger government. He also cried and advised his listeners to buy Glenn Beck brand filtered water, which is “99.9 percent nano-bot free.”  

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Hi there, Anvil readers. Words below the asterisk can only mean one thing: I’m hyping my new Pure Film Creative post entitled “The underage-sex reverse Richter scale.” In it I talk movies, art, and perversion. Artful nudity warning, but, unless you are super uptight, I doubt you’ll be offended. Click here for the story.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Obama vows to continue observing (and not interfering with) earthlings’ affairs

Posted by oldancestor on March 17, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Election night 2008: Obama's spaceship arrives with great fanfare

WASHINGTON DC – President Sparak Obama, the first Vulcan-American ever elected president, told ABCs Barbara Walters today that he is proud to have followed Starfleet Federations prime directive, which is to avoid influencing events on any planet with indigenous life, including Earth. The President, who was born here but spent part of his youth at the Vulcan Academy, says his primary responsibility as an interplanetary representative is to monitor situations.

 

Take the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan or the civil war in Libya, Obama told Walters. I have been observing both situations with intellectual curiosity from a great distance.  Though, in truth, Ive also been standing by at the ready, which is slightly bending the rules.

 

During the half-hour interview that aired nationally on ABC affiliates at 7 p.m. eastern time this evening, the President said he strongly believes in democracy as a philosophical concept. When Walters asked if it was then tough for him to watch the rebels in Libya being crushed by dictator Muammar Gaddafis forces, he replied, It certainly is an interesting addition to Earths historical record.

 

Voices on all sides of the political spectrum have criticized the President at various times in his two-and-a-half years in office for his seemingly detached demeanor in the face of national and international crises. During the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico last year, which dragged on for months, Obama was roundly panned for saying, Oil is a natural, organic material. I fail to see why its presence is so alarming.

 

One area of public policy where the President has been more active is health care reform, with his efforts culminating in a bill last year meant to overhaul the nations system of dispensing medical care to its citizens. During last Januarys State of the Union address, Obama said, It is illogical to resist expanded access to health care, in the hopes of heading off cries from conservatives that at least some aspects of the law are unconstitutional.

 

The President has also been dogged by a small but vocal group of critics who claim he was not born on this planet and are demanding proof he is actually half human. Known as the Earther movement, few in Washington or in the news media take them seriously, but their persistent accusations are just one more distraction for a busy leader who vowed on national TV tonight to monitor, observe, and stand by with renewed vigor entering the 2012 election season.

 

When reached for comment on this article, President Obama said, The metaphor in your fourth paragraph, voices on all sides of the political spectrum, does not hold up to semantic scrutiny. A spectrum, being light rather than a dimensional object or a representation of such, does not have sides.

Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments »

Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell 2012!

Posted by oldancestor on September 25, 2010

By Eric J Baker

 

Brain Chart (Courtesy of Princeton University’s Neuroscience Department)

WASHINGTON DC – Scientists from Princeton University reported yesterday that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and Delaware’s Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate Christine O’Donnell each have 2,012 stupid thoughts per day. Only about five to ten of these thoughts are articulated verbally, say scientists.

“We didn’t think it was possible for people whose heads are crowded with so much nonsense to function in society,” says head researcher Dr. Herbert West. “But there you have it.”

West says these stupid thoughts most likely explain the string of ethics lapses, acts of hypocrisy, and “almost pathological” misunderstanding of civics displayed by both women.

Then how does one account for the financial success and notoriety garnered by Palin and O’Donnell?

“Look, I’m sure the dodo bird was a shrewd animal,” says West.

According to the Princeton report, researchers asked each woman to wear a university-provided thought-reading helmet for ten days. The helmet, constructed from coconuts, a police car flasher, and the rudder from the S.S. Minnow, collects thoughts on a flash drive and sorts them into stupid and non-stupid files. Palin’s least-stupid thoughts came when she was eating Cheerios and putting her shoes on the correct feet. O’Donnell’s occurred when she brushed her teeth using the gentle, short strokes suggested by her dentist.

Despite the apparent effectiveness of the helmet, some are questioning the researchers’ ethics.

“I think these women were duped for the purpose of making Republicans look bad,” House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) told Joe Scarborough, host of MSNBC’s Morning Joe. “They were told it was a ‘GOP purity helmet.’ Then again, if they believed that, I guess they are stupid.”

Boehner did maintain that the Princeton University report is the kind of document that gives fake-news journals easy opportunity to make fun of conservatives.

“The left-wing media bias extends to fake news,” he told Morning Joe viewers. “Where are all the stories making Democrats look bad?”

Is it true that fake-news journalists unfairly target Republicans?

“It’s more complicated than that,” says Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake-news journal, The Avocado. “Anyone who holds extreme views deserves to be mocked. But the far right tends to be more outlandish than the far left. Creation museums where men are depicted riding dinosaurs, airheaded beauty queens holding public office, and people wearing tea-bag hats are just inherently funnier than bloated healthcare bills and amnesty for illegal aliens.”

Perhaps Boehner has a point, though. A quick, unscientific analysis of fake-news articles appearing in The Avocado and its rival journal, The Anvil, shows that conservatives and Republicans tend to be mocked on policy and viewpoint while Democrats and liberals are more often the focus of bizarre, non-political stories. President Obama has shown up in numerous articles published by both journals, but seldom is his leadership the subject of satire.

“I can’t speak for those jokers at The Anvil, who have this bizarre obsession with zombies,” says Bunny, “but the thing with Obama is… how do you make disappointment funny?”

Some on the left are unhappy with Bunny’s comments. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for Congress to pass a new Fairness in Reporting bill that requires every comment critical of Democrats to be balanced by a comment equally critical of Republicans.

When reached for their views on this story, both Palin and O’Donnell said Fox News told them not to talk to reporters or they couldn’t have dessert.

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Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

Zombie Wins Republican Primary!

Posted by oldancestor on July 16, 2010

Wholesale Orders of Human Flesh Skyrocket

 

By Eric J Baker 

 
 
 

Bub Howard declares victory last night

 

SACRAMENTO – In a shocking turn that has stunned the political world, undead GOP Senate candidate Bub Howard has seemingly come from nowhere to defeat Carly Fiorina in California’s Republican primary runoff election. Howard will now face Democrat Barbara Boxer in November’s midterms, leaving Fiorina to sit at home and count the millions she earned turning Hewlett Packard into a crappy company.

If Americans ever needed proof that zombies have become a potent political force, here it is: Howard was polling tenth out of ten GOP candidates only 4 months ago. But that was before the Zombie Apocalypse began. Howard died of zombiosis (zombie-bite poisoning) in late April and suddenly, just days after he returned from the grave to devour the flesh of the living, most polls showed him in fifth place. 

“One out of four Americans is now undead. It’s time we had a voice in Washington!” Howard told groaning supporters at his headquarters in the Los Angeles County Morgue. “They can shoot us in the head. They can burn us. But they can’t take away our appetite… for victory in November!”

Even as of yesterday morning, though, his win hardly seemed assured. In fact, most believed Fiorina had won the original primary last month and would campaign against the incumbent, Boxer, in the fall. But Howard made a late surge, and, when all the votes were counted, the election was deemed “too close to call,” necessitating yesterday’s runoff.

Some political experts believe Howard benefited from a combination of factors.

“You have to realize there are more and more zombies every day,” says Lucy O. Fulci, the head of UCLA’s Political Science department. “One thing we’ve noticed is that zombies vote zombie, almost exclusively. This is why President Obama’s poll numbers are dropping. Many of his most ardent supporters in 2008 are zombies now. It would be politically expedient of him to become undead.”

A second factor in Howard’s rise is a revitalized ad campaign. His initial slogan, “Brainsssss!” failed to catch on, as many felt it simply pandered to his base. To tap into voter discontent with Washington establishment, Howard changed the phrase to, “We’re coming to get you, Barbara!” and his popularity took off.

Senator Boxer’s campaign must have anticipated a possible victory for the undead Republican: They’ve already issued a new slogan today, which reads, “There’s something rotting in Denmark. And it’s Bub Howard!”

Despite their supposed unity as a voting block, some zombies are throwing their support behind Boxer.

“I can’t believe [Howard] is running as a Republican,” says Morty Rigor, a former electrician and now walking corpse who spends his days feasting on the supple flesh of the living. “The Republicans are the ones who wanted us shot on sight. They’re the ones who won’t let us get married. The liberals fought for our right to vote, for crying out loud!”

A staffer from Howard’s campaign, and also a zombie, responded to these allegations by telephone this morning.

“Taxes. It’s that simple,” said the staffer. “Zombies don’t have to pay taxes, because we’re dead, and Bub Howard doesn’t think anyone should have to. Plus, there’s that death tax, and we really don’t like it. Why should we lose all that money just because we’ve become hideous, murdering, cannibalistic, hell-spawned abominations?”

What remains to be seen is how long zombies can stay a powerful presence in American politics. The Apocalypse is only a few months old, and early zombies are already starting to show signs of desiccation and advanced decomposition. Scientists believe the flesh-eating behavior only slows the rotting but does not stop it. Will there be enough walking dead left by November to give Boxer’s Senate seat to Howard?

“There’s no need to be concerned” says Dr. Fulci. “Zombies and humans will learn to live in harmony, and we are about to enter the utopian future we’ve always dreamed about.”

She went on to say, “I’m kidding. This is the Apocalypse. Two years from now, mankind will be wiped out, the zombies will have decayed, and all humanity’s great accomplishments will be lost to the sands of time, as if none of it had ever happened.”      

[The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers. That was the most depressing ending ever written for a fake news article. We promise our next article will conclude with someone getting hit in the groin by a little kid swinging a bat at a piñata and missing. – Ed]

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

Feds cancel economy; not popular with voters

Posted by oldancestor on May 21, 2010

GOVERNMENT RECOMMENDS STUFFING OLD BILLS IN MATTRESS… FOR ADDED COMFORT

By Eric J. Baker

 

WASHINGTON DC – The federal government decided to scrap the economy yesterday after 234 years, citing voter frustration and bloated bureaucracy as the main reasons for the move. By signing the executive order yesterday, President Obama effectively changed the way America will do business going forward. 

“People can now anticipate to a future free of budget deficits, national debts, predatory banking practices, and money,” said the President last night in a televised speech that reminded many of candidate Obama from 2008, whose campaign promises were full of inspirational rhetoric.

The action was met with rare bipartisan approval. Said Nevada’s Republican Senate hopeful Sue Lowden, who intends to unseat Democrat Harry Reid in November, “This will finally make chicken-bartering the foremost system of commerce going forward.”

On MSNBC last night, Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Ohio said, “This is the first step toward creating a Dionysian society where love is free, wine flows copiously, and women behave as woodland nymphs, running barefoot in butterfly-laden meadows.”

He later added, “Man, it’s good to finally have a reason for saying that.”

Even former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics, was supportive of the move.

“For a guy who wants to melt down all the guns and kill your grandparents and was probably born in the heart of communist Iraq, he did a smart thing today, don’cha think?”

She later posed with a high-powered hunting rifle to make herself look cool.

Not everyone is happy with the change, though. Environmentalists are up in arms over a proposed government plan to burn all the now-useless cash and dump the coins in the ocean.

“They should use all those bills for insulation,” said Greenpeace activist Patchouli Johnson. “Stuff ‘em inside the old tires that should also be used for insulation.”

“Or make clothes for the homeless,” added fellow activist Peppermint Smith.

Johnson scoffed, asking, “Who cares about the homeless?”

Both women agreed it would be fun to smoke joints made from rolled up 100-dollar bills.

Ordinary citizen Pinky Middleton asked some stupid questions.

“Um, how are people going to get the stuff they need like food and medicine? Won’t society collapse when no one has a reason to go to work anymore?”

Dumb and pointless as his words may be, the repercussions of yesterday’s executive order are indeed being felt, albeit in places that don’t matter.

Upon hearing of the new national policy, elated US soldiers ran into the streets and fired their automatic rifles skyward with reckless abandon. However, the party atmosphere soon degenerated into one of outright chaos, as staffers in nuclear missile silos across the country joined the fracas and punched in their launch codes. Russia, China, North Korea, and the Middle East were later engulfed in a conflagration of apocalyptic proportions, killing close to half the world’s population, with many more expected to die of radiation poisoning in the coming weeks.

An embarrassed President Obama said he will dispatch Secretary of State Clinton to the UN to offer a formal apology sometime this week

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Angry electorate vows to replace Democrats with Republicans and Republicans with Democrats

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2010

ALSO: CONGRESS GRILLS ITSELF IN CONGRESSIONAL HEARING

 

By Eric J Baker

 

“Throw the bums out.”

Who can forget these immortal words from the Bible (besides Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and “Other”)? But while Jesus was talking about Roman gods, people who drop the TTBO-bomb today are often referring to “bum” politicians who have set up their cardboard shelters (offices) and parked their rusty shopping carts (political agendas) along Washington DC’s marble-floored halls of legislature.

With congressional elections coming in November and primary upsets in the offing, the chorus of anger has grown louder.

“We need to vote out every single congressperson who’s up for reelection,” says Texas resident Norman “Chubzy” Ubzy, “while staying strictly within a two-party system, of course.”

Madge Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, agrees. “Every single Republican and Democrat currently in office is corrupt. Luckily, the challengers from the same parties, in each case, are completely ethical and honest.”  

Her husband, Otis, adds, “Republicans and Democrats will be ok, but those guys from the Incumbent party are in trouble.”

Janet Blandworth, a random expert who gets paid to state the obvious, says, “It’s natural for voters to feel frustrated with elected officials when the economy is in a prolonged slump and jobless rates are high.”

Congress acted quickly when it discovered Americans are unhappy, quarantining those lawmakers up for reelection in a high-school gymnasium and spraying them with Raid.

President Obama praised the bipartisan effort yesterday.

“This is what we can accomplish when we work together,” the President told reporters. “That said, Republicans are still jerks.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota responded by urging strict adherence to the Constitution, as it was originally written.

“We didn’t have these problems before women were allowed to vote,” she said. “Or when slaves were 2/3 of a person. We need to get back to the things that made America great.”

In a late session last night, Congress called itself to testify before itself.

“Where do you get off being so smug and self-righteous?” asked House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), looking in a mirror.

Her Republican counterpart, Rep. John Boehner of Ohio, skipped the questions and went straight to making out with his reflection.

“Who’s orange?” he cooed at the mirror. “Are you orange? I don’t think so.”

To flesh out the rest of the article, we went back to Janet Blandworth, our random expert, and asked her to blab some more.

“Depending on who you ask,” she said, “the Republicans are either poised to take both houses of Congress and begin a new revolution or are going to get clobbered because their message seems intolerant and borderline racist and will turn voters off.”

So which one will it be?

“I don’t know. Who cares? You know, when I got out of college I was full of hopes and dreams and ideals and thought I could change the world,” she said. “Now look at me. I’m 39-years-old and divorced and spend my time talking to untalented, hack reporters like you about stupid [expletive] boring politicians. I need a drink.”

An unnamed reporter was said to have offered Blandworth a ride back to his place for margaritas, but it was not known at press time if she accepted.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »