Transmissions from the alternate universe

President McCain assassinated by Vice President Palin

Posted by oldancestor on April 27, 2010



By Eric J Baker


QUANTUM WASHINGTON – Yesterday, in the alternate universe, President John McCain was stabbed in the heart by Vice President Sarah Palin while the pair was touring the ruins of Quantum Teheran following Quantum America’s unprovoked nuclear attack. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Palin was sworn in as president within the hour by Death Squad Commander Sean Hannity, though Hannity was later beheaded by Ensign Pavol Chekov in an act of apparent usurpation.

President Palin was whisked back to the Quantum US, where she quickly executed McCain’s surviving cabinet members and shaved her pointy beard.

From the White House there, the new President promised Americans a smooth leadership transition as well as a renewed focus on job creation and energy independence.

“President McCain was a naïve old fool and he died badly for it,” said a winking Palin. “Should Americans feel good about the future? You betcha!”

Palin also demanded each American family sacrifice a goat in her honor or face “unpleasant” repercussions.

In a show of authority, Palin took a sniper rifle atop the 30-foot-high concrete security wall surrounding the White House to help repel a daring daylight attack led by liberal terrorist, revolutionary, and television pundit Keith Olbermann.

Olbermann, who survived, later claimed on his show, Countdown to Assassination, that President Palin was today’s “Worst person in the wooooorld!”

“Does he think what happened up in Iran was bad?” Palin asked in response. “The Iranis had it easy!”

It is widely believed Palin encouraged the annihilation of Quantum Iran so she’d no longer have to say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s name, a task which often left her confused and tired.

Here in our universe, Americans are often shocked at the degree of violence exhibited by our quantum counterparts, but assassinations and overthrows are considered business-as-usual there. Quantum humans also frequently start angry, ranting political movements in which people hold up logic-defying posters depicting presidents in the likeness of Hitler and carry signs covered with hysterical misspellings. Also, Quantum Republican and Democratic politicians often tell savage lies and run manipulative and deceptive advertisements, in contrast to here, where politicians only ever engage in civil and respectful debate and ordinary Americans value intelligent discourse over clueless shouting.

However, it’s a mistake to think of us as good and quantum humans as evil. For example, it is unclear whether their Sarah Palin or our Sarah Palin is the evil one.

When approached for comment on alternate Palin’s hostile takeover, quantum man-on-the-street Pinky Middleton turned wide-eyed with fear and silently shook his head in a way that suggested, “Get the hell away from me. They’ll kill me if they see me talking to you.”

Alternate universes are generally thought to be created when hot-but-strangely-creepy doctors named Juliet Burke smash a hydrogen bomb with a rock. However, a small number of scientists disagree, believing such universes have long existed and are accidentally discovered during transporter malfunctions.

How can smashing an H-bomb create an alternate universe? Quantum physicists expect to have an answer by 11 pm on May 23rd, though few people will likely be satisfied by their conclusion.

5 Responses to “President McCain assassinated by Vice President Palin”

  1. Nordic Metal said

    Actually, I blame the large hadron collider. I knew it was a bad idea, but did anyone listen to me? Noooo. Now we get this. Great. Just great.

  2. The collider is also responsible for American Idol’s ratings slip this season. Poor Randy Jackson. Will he ever catch a break?

    • Moosey D said

      Could be worse. He could be Tito.

      Or Michael.

      Wait, that’s not the same Randy Jackson is it?


      So, how ’bout those Canadiens, eh?

  3. This was really funny. I loved Palin shaving her pointed beard. LOL

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