THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Archive for July, 2011

Newsflash: Nothing Happened Today

Posted by oldancestor on July 11, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The Sun and daytime... is there a connection?

EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.

White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.

“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”

Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”

NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”

She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”

With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.

 

The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.

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