THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘corporate greed’

Firefighters to begin pepper spraying kittens

Posted by oldancestor on November 20, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Living the Thug Life

WASHINGTON DC – Fire department officials across the United States have begun advising their field personnel to use pepper spray against unruly kittens. The tactic has proven to be effective when dealing with the uncooperative felines, whose increasing refusal to be coaxed out of trees has reached epidemic proportions, some experts say.

“To keep our trees safe from these destructive pests, a more aggressive approach has been deemed necessary,” said Dante Alighieri, a spokesperson for the National Firefighter’s Association. “By the way, have you seen the claws on these things?”

Kittens are thought to have been accidentally brought to the Americas aboard Japanese sushi ships in the 1980s, quickly wiping out many native animal species. The small, furry creatures can now be found in nearly every region of the United States, often taxing the resources of local fire departments.

On a related note, many nursing home staffers across the country have started beating elderly residents with wooden batons in an effort to improve the oldsters’ bathroom habits, which many are describing as undignified.

“The only way to combat incontinence is through the use of brutal force,” says North American Nursing Home Alliance president Anna Monapia. “In other words, they just need a good whack.”

This new, harsher approach may have been inspired by the methods used against several protest groups throughout the United States in recent days. Facing a growing movement often referred to as Occupy Wall Street by the news media, various police departments have stepped up efforts to disperse the protestors. Such tactics involve the increasing use of pepper spray, which causes temporary burning of the eyes and throat, though concentrated amounts can result in serious injury.

Herman Gestapo, whose company, Stalinetix, has been consulting law enforcement on how to deal with the protestors, told the Anvil, “We only advise the use of pepper spray in extreme circumstances, such as when dealing with an 80-year-old or when people are peacefully sitting on the ground.”

When asked his thoughts on civil disobedience and non-violent protest, Gestapo says, “Show me a document that says we can’t pass a law against the right of people to peaceably assemble, and I’ll change my tune.”

Not so fast, says Pinky Middleton of Boston Massacre Party, a grassroots political organization that advocates for limited government.

“The government has no right to attack its citizens like this,” explains Middleton. “These tactics are just what you’d expect in a socialist society that has no interest in the voice of the individual.”

After being told that the targeted protesters were not speaking out against taxes and healthcare reform but, rather, were criticizing corporate greed, Middleton said, “Really? F*ck ‘em then.”

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

Most Popular Halloween Costumes for Kids

Posted by oldancestor on October 26, 2010

By Lacy Thundercake

Retail sales figures continue to be flattened by tepid economic growth and ongoing unemployment, but one business segment is seeing a (predictable) surge this October: The Halloween costume industry. With kids across the nation ready to take to the streets on Sunday and do their part to worsen childhood obesity, we asked Ben Tramer, president of costume retailer Insane Profit Margin, to let our readers know what all those greedy ingrates adorable little monsters will be wearing.

According to Tramer, these are the top sellers of 2010:

 

Yahoo commenter

The terrifying visage of knee-jerk ignorance, modeled after the hate-filled, intolerant ranter who leaves stupid comments following news articles. The Yahoo Commenter knows everything… except facts.

$19.95 (mask only)

 

 

Lindsay Lohan

“A cautionary tale,” in Tramer’s words, that is carefully treated to look much older than it really is. Replete with plastic puke and mysterious white powder.

$39.95 (mask and teenage runaway/prostitute outfit)

 

 

Rubber stamp

For the kid who plans to hit lots of houses in a very short time. “We call it the Rubber Stamp,” says Tramer, “but I prefer to think of it as ‘The Banality of Evil.’”

$24.95 (hat, jumpsuit)

 

 

John Boehner

“A house minority leader is always popular with kids,” explains Tramer. “They’re fascinated by branches of government.” No word on whether manufacturers are ramping up production on a Nancy Pelosi mask for next year.

$14.95 (mask)

 

 

Protestor at Rand Paul Event

Tramer tells us that ‘Security Thug at Joe Miller Event’ was a top seller until yesterday, when this design suddenly took off. “I support people’s First Amendment right to wear whatever Halloween costume they want,” he says.

$29.95 (mask)

 

 

Corporate CEO

“This one bumped ‘The Pimp’ out of our top six for he first time since 1966,” says Tramer. Despite the difficulty of trick-or-treating with puppet strings hanging from one’s fingers, kids are snapping up the costume. “Some things are better than candy,” he explains. “Like unlimited greed and hubris.”

$24.95 (suit jacket, puppets)

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Satan ousted as CEO of Hell

Posted by oldancestor on August 8, 2010

Is Wall Street interested?

By Eric J Baker

 

Satan, being escorted from his office by security demons shortly after learning of his termination this morning

THE UNDERWORLD – In a move many economists and theologians are calling long overdue, the board of directors for Hell announced today that Satan is being replaced as CEO. The once-profitable corporation has seen its stock value tumble in recent years, and a series of questionable business decisions has left many investors wary, leading to the devil’s ouster.

Pazuzu, chairman of Hell’s board of directors, told reporters this morning, “We thank Satan for his millennia of service and wish him well in his future endeavors.”

Satan, the only CEO Hell has ever had, leaves behind a rich history of corrupting the human race and propagating evil. But he also faces criticism for being too slow to respond to changes in market trends and society in general.

“Where’s the ‘net presence?” asks economist Regan MacNeil. “How about Twitter? Facebook? Other than a few 1980s heavy metal bands and the High School Musical movies, Hell hasn’t been doing a very good job of getting its message out.”

Others point to devalued holdings and costly expenditures as the key culprits behind the organization’s woes.

Says Princeton University business analyst Herbert West, “Satan collected way too many souls. They’re like junk bonds now. All those people were going to Hell anyway, so he was just buying his own stock, in a sense.”

West also says the purchase of several black holes at the center of the Milky Way galaxy was a gross misuse of funds.

“In theory, if you’re a destroyer of worlds, what better to way do that than with a black hole? In practice, though, no one cares about black holes. The nearest one is a gajillion miles away.”

Some of Hell’s staffers aren’t disappointed to see Satan go.

“It was always ‘Jesus this’ and ‘Jesus that’ with him,” says Footumpsh, a demon who throws the damned into a lake of fire for a living. “Frankly, I don’t believe in all that religious stuff. I’m an atheist and don’t want god shoved down my throat all day.”

So far, Hell has been able to avoid the layoffs that plagued so many other companies during the recent recession, and because of its unique status as the sole provider of eternal damnation, it can’t go out of business. Still, some will face an uncertain future without Satan at the helm.

Brother Sean, an Irish monk, worries about the fate of his archrival, the friar. “Everyone knows friars live next to Satan’s arse-hole,” he says. “So will they go with Satan or have to find a new arse?”

Hell has yet to hint at a candidate to replace the outgoing devil, though many experts believe it will be either Dick Cheney or the comedian Carrot Top. If the rumors are true, it would be the first time a human or a human-vegetable hybrid has held a position of authority in the underworld.

“I think going with a human is a forward-thinking choice,” says MacNeil. “Who better to understand what tempts a human than a human?”

Using the parlance of Hell, can the board of directors afford to let the CEO seat go vacant until Cheney’s or Carrot Top’s current earthly “engagement” ends?

“Not a problem,” Footumpsh says. “Two things you need to know about Hell. One, we’re very patient down here. Two, there’s always room for one more.”

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

BP, in an effort to appear more likeable, changes its name to Tom Hanks

Posted by oldancestor on July 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker

 

Little-known fact: BP actually stands for “Bionic Pencil”

LONDON – Incoming BP CEO Mel Gibson, who is set to replace the beleaguered Tony Hayward in a few months, announced today that the company was changing its name to Tom Hanks.

“Everyone loves Tom Hanks,” Gibson told reporters. “Everyone trusts Tom Hanks. That’s the image we are trying to cultivate. Love and trust. And oil. But not the leaky kind. Yuck.”

While it’s not uncommon for sports arenas to take corporate names in exchange for money, this is believed to be the first time a company has purchased the identity of a celebrity. Some are calling it a bold move by BP’s new leadership group.

“Gibson is trying to let people know he’s the new sheriff in town,” said business analyst Pinky Middleton of Detroit University Online. “In essence, he is the de facto leader.”

Middleton also said, “I’ve been dying for a reason to say that word. De Facto. Deeee Faaaactooooo. Cool. Do you need any more quotes? I’ve got lots of material.”

It may take more than a name change to reverse the British energy giant’s fortunes.  Public sentiment against the corporation is still high, despite its pretty green-and-yellow logo. Readers might  recall that BP was behind the worldwide Vaseline shortage last year, and it was recently discovered that the company has been poking holes in the Earth and making it bleed black blood.

Current CEO Hayward did no favors for his or the company’s image last week when, in full view of TV news cameras, he urinated from the deck of his yacht into Gulf waters off the coast of Florida.

Footage taken of the incident captured Hayward shouting, “Piss off, you bloody stupid Americans. And, for the record, it’s ‘tomahto.’ Wankers.”

That was enough for one American citizen to take action.

“We’re going to run him out of town,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, who has founded the activist group, Redcoats United, with the expressed aim of deporting undocumented British laborers. “We beat them in the Civil War and in World War II, and we’ll beat them again.”

When informed that the term ‘redcoat’ refers to British soldiers who fought against colonial forces in the American Revolution, Tool declined to respond, though his wife, Madge, said, “Where’s my cigarettes? The unfiltered ones.”

Gibson responded to the concerns of the anti-British-immigration faction by telling reporters, “Look. I hate the British too. You don’t see me renaming this company ‘Sir John Gielgud’ or ‘Afternoon Tea’ do you?”

In response to questions about BP’s unexpected move, a spokesman for the actor Tom Hanks said, “WILSON!” Those who had been expecting a quote from Forrest Gump were surprised by Hanks’ fictional response.

In a related story, actor Mel Gibson (no relation to the new BP CEO) announced he was changing his name to BP.

“I’m trying as hard as I can to be hated, and this ought to put me over the top,” he said this morning from the Los Angeles set of his new movie, A-Hole, in which he is playing a formerly beloved actor now prone to drunken, racist rants and domestic violence. According to sources inside the troubled production, the script is undergoing daily rewrites.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure

Posted by oldancestor on July 2, 2010

Explosion releases enough radiation to give cancer to millions

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Bioluminescent aliens from Neptune bearing a cure-all serum head for Earth (the planet Saturn is visible through the spacecraft's center window). 10 hours later, they were dead.

 SOMERSET, NJ – It looks as if instant eradication of all the world’s diseases will have to wait.

Missiles fired yesterday from the lawn of New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca struck the Neptunian flagship CE3K at an altitude of 40,000 feet, destroying it and scattering radioactive debris across the tri-state area. The extraterrestrial craft was allegedly en route to the United Nations building in New York to deliver a “miracle” cure for all disease when it was hit.

It is unknown how many aliens were on board, but they are all assumed dead.

Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca spokesperson Delores Smokescreen, speaking to reporters yesterday afternoon, attempted to justify the company’s actions by saying, “Haven’t you ever seen V? How about Godzilla vs. Monster Zero? These so-called ‘benevolent’ aliens always have a hidden agenda.”

She went on to say, “Rent Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Netflix. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Reaction in our nation’s capital was initially one of outrage and disgust.

“Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca’s actions and words are appalling,” said President Obama from the White House last night. “Trying to compare this situation to Killer Klowns from Outer Space is absurd. Those Klowns never tried to disguise their intentions.”

However, Democrats and Republicans were forced to stop criticizing the drug company when reminded they are all lackeys for multi-billion-dollar corporations like Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca and should keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.

Neptune’s ruler, Klaatu Varada Nickto, issued an interplanetary statement this morning that read, in part, “We had hoped to usher in a new era of cooperation and scientific enlightenment by offering you a serum that would forever eliminate all disease from your planet. Unfortunately, you are not ready for that and never will be. Prepare to be destroyed.”

Religious groups and political figures around the world are condemning Nickto’s words today.

Evangelicals R Us president and multimillionaire F. A. Brimstone released  his own statement that read, “These Godless heathens want to inject Satan into our veins! They’re jealous because Neptune revolves around the Earth, as does the rest of the universe.”

The statement goes on to say, “Telescopes and math are the work of the Devil and should be destroyed.”

Just before this article went to press, Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “Anything we don’t immediately understand MUST be killed without question!”

Whether or not the aliens’ cure would have worked is under debate. Doctors and medical research scientists (who’ve seen a sample of the compound and read the data) say receiving the serum would have been the most profound event in human history, while others, who have no knowledge of science or medicine, deny that claim.

So why was the craft shot down?

“There’s no profit in a miracle cure,” speculates Medical Ethicist Kyohei Yamane, whose title prompts people to wonder how he makes a living doing that.

Meanwhile, Chester Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Oklahoma, vows to keep his shotgun nearby.

“They [the aliens] can keep their wacky health juice,” he says between fits of coughing. “I’m watching the skies. Tell them Klowns they better not try to set foot, or whatever squiggly things they use, on my property or else.”

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Study: Unemployed too lazy to take jobs that don’t exist

Posted by oldancestor on June 9, 2010

Also: Out-of-work Americans begin turning into mysterious gooey substance after 6 months, say potential employers

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Unemployed people quickly forget how to perform the simplest tasks, such as using a computer keyboard

CLAMSHAFT, ID – The results of a study released yesterday by the Belligerent Idiots Society of America (BISA) show the unemployed to be shiftless do-nothings who are unwilling to get off their lazy asses and find work that isn’t there.

BISA president Chester Tool says, “This just proves what I been sayin’ all along: All those millions of people who were employed before the recession hit were only faking at working hard and being knowledgeable. They were just dreaming of the day they could sit at home and collect free socialist money at 1/3 their former salary.”

The study, conducted without the usual distractions of scientific method and legitimacy, took over two days to complete.

“I looked at all them comments on Yahoo,” says Madge Tool, Chester’s sister-in-law, who collected the data. “Everybody was sayin’ ‘Get a job you lazy bums’ and all that. It was pretty convincing.”

Madge relates a personal story that supports her findings, anecdotally at least.

“So I talked to this feller who spent 12 years workin’ his way through school and got hisself one of them fancy PhDs. Got some fancy job for ten years then he gets laid off. ‘Get a job, you lazy bum,’ I wanted to say, only I didn’t ‘cause he looked so sad, like a dog that gets kicked all the time.”

The man from Madge’s story, like so many other unemployed people with advanced degrees, is most likely unwilling to take a hypothetical job at McDonalds, which seems to confirm the study’s conclusion that such people have no work ethic.

In separate study commissioned by the Potential Employers Coalition (PEC), a loose affiliation of American businesses, unemployed people were found to have a shelf-life of no more than 5 months and 29 days.

“It’s really sad because we’d love to hire these people,” said coalition chairman Fred Bigbonus, “but the results clearly prove that, once they hit that six month mark, they’re expired.”

The study identifies progressive stages of degeneration in the unemployed. At six months, all knowledge and experience evaporates, followed by brain liquefaction. At seven months, bones become brittle and subjects become untrainable. At nine months, the entire body melts down into gelatinous ooze, useful only as a toxic sludge to feed chickens.

“It’s tragic,” says Bigbonus. “But… maybe if they weren’t such lazy scum, they’d have gone out and gotten jobs, so I can’t feel too bad.”

Waiting for out-of-work Americans to melt certainly sounds like a neat and tidy solution to the problem of unemployment, but a far greater threat looms: What to do with all the leftover ooze. There just aren’t enough hungry chickens.

“It’s a coming environmental catastrophe on a scale as yet unseen in all of human history,” says Pinky Middleton, some guy from the internet. “Besides the close to 15 million unemployed people, you have millions more who are only working part time. Those folks are losing fingers, ears, toes. Stuff like that. Where are we going to put it all?”  

So far, the only treatment for the melting condition (known as Rebar’s Disease) requires the unemployed to kill the employed and eat their flesh, though that only staves off tissue degeneration for a short time and doesn’t reverse it.

“I had no idea when I started writing this article,” says a fake news reporter who declined to give his name, “that it would end with a bizarre reference to the obscure 1977 film, The Incredible Melting Man.”

Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

Dictionaries to start including pictures, will use Goldman-Sachs CEO’s face to illustrate “asshat”

Posted by oldancestor on April 28, 2010

IDIOTS WHO MAKE SENSELESS “DICTIONARY PICTURE” JOKES FINALLY VINDICATED

 

By Eric J Baker

 

NEW YORK – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the industrialized world, publishers and mortal enemies Merriam-Webster and Oxford have teamed up to create an all-new type of dictionary that will bring major changes to the way English speakers look up words.

The companies announced at a press conference yesterday they will begin printing dictionaries with pictures in order to enhance the understanding of terms.

“With the rapid degradation of cognitive faculty across all facets of society,” said Oxford president Sir Henry Oxford-Benaventure-Hastings, “we’re compelled to acquiesce to this retrograde progression and will begin incorporating images to abet the intellectually impaired in comprehending heretofore simple words that dare breach the monosyllabic boundary.”

After spouting that and more mumbo jumbo none of us was able to understand, Sir Oxford-Benaventure-Hastings showed reporters a galley copy of the upcoming edition. The consensus among those present was the changes were “nice.”

The publishers admit the initiative was fraught with challenges.

“We asked ourselves, ‘How do we illustrate the word asshat?’” said Miriam Merriam, granddaughter of somebody dead. “Initially we were thinking ‘John Edwards,’ but I did sleep with him a couple times, so that would make running into him at a party even weirder than it already is.”

Merriam-Webster and Oxford finally decided Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein’s image should grace that entry.

“We can’t imagine anyone disagreeing,” said Merriam. “Not even his mother.”

Reporters who rushed to look up “pussy” and “tit” were greeted by the image of a cat and a tiny mirror, respectively.

Though news of the changes sparked rejoicing in the streets, church bells ringing day and night, and the declaration of an international holiday that will dwarf Christmas in popularity, not everyone was pleased.

“This is the final nail in the coffin of dictionary integrity,” laments angry weirdo Pinky Middleton. “It all started with the inclusion of definitions. The root word of ‘dictionary’ is ‘diction,’ which means ‘pronunciation.’ It’s not called a ‘definitionary,’ is it?”

Middleton says he plans to self-immolate tomorrow along with his 1853 first printing of Oxford’s Book of English Diction, Queen Victoria Edition. Flowers can be sent to the Barking Pig Funeral Home in Dorkchester, West Essex, England.

Cleveland, Ohio native Bucky Weederman was more enthused.

“I’ve been joking that pictures of people’s faces are next to things in the dictionary for years,” says Weederman. “Now they won’t be able to say, ‘You freaking dumb-ass, there ARE no pictures in the dictionary.’”

It should be noted they will still be able to punch him in the face.

The 2011 edition of Oxford-Webster’s New International Enhanced Dictionary goes on sale in September. It will be 9000 pages and weigh 55 pounds, and it is expected to carry an MSRP of $499.99 in the United States.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »