Abe Lincoln booted from history books!
Posted by oldancestor on September 12, 2010
By Eric J Baker
QUANTUM WASHINGTON DC – In the alternate universe yesterday, President Sarah Palin issued an executive order invalidating Abraham Lincoln’s presidency. According to Palin, Lincoln violated the Quantum US Constitution by freeing the slaves and not allowing the south to secede from the union.
Andrew Johnson will now be considered the 16th president, and banks have been ordered to turn in all pennies to the US mint so Lincoln’s image on each coin can be recut to resemble that of Johnson. Palin’s portrait will replace Lincoln’s on the five-dollar bill. Stickers bearing Palin’s likeness have already been mailed to every citizen in possession of more than five dollars.
“When Baby Jesus wrote our Constitution, he wanted that document to be totally fubu,” President Palin told Americans in a speech televised during primetime last night. “That means we can remake the government if we don’t like what our government does.”
Palin also said slavery was a state’s rights issue and that the federal government shouldn’t be permitted to impose its moral values on individuals.
“It’s like, ‘Hello, my name is Big Government, now pay me taxes and give me your personal property,’” Palin said in the speech that many are calling one of the greatest in presidential history.
“It’s her Gettysburg Address,” said TV news pundit Rex Kramer. “Except that, with Lincoln’s presidency rescinded, there was no Gettysburg Address. And it didn’t take place in Pennsylvania. So I guess it was nothing like that. Never mind. It wasn’t a great speech. Forget I said it.”
Vice President Bristol Palin, who was unable to attend the speech because she was starring in a reality show about a trashy bimbo with a mother who inexplicably draws thousands of people to her public appearances where she spews nothing but pure drivel, said, “Like, Abe Lincoln is dead to me. I’m soooo ignoring him from now on. And that beard? Ew.”
President Palin’s cabinet members, Track, Trig, Traipse, Tron, Tribble, Trash, Trinket, and Trog Palin, issued a joint statement in support of the ruling. The statement said, in part, “We believe in the absolute authority of the US Constitution, and anyone who speaks out against the President’s interpretation of it will be summarily executed.”
The statement also said, “All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.”
Not everyone approves of the President’s approach to enforcing the quantum founding fathers’ vision for America.
Barak Obama, a constitutional law professor at Harvard University, said in an interview recently, “George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich! George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich! George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich!”
Some ordinary Quantum Americans are taking a more radical approach to challenging Palin’s authority. A grassroots political movement, calling itself “The Boston Massacre” has been on the rise all across the country, largely made up of citizens opposed to the 28th Amendment, which declares President Palin to be Queen Forever.
“We fought the French in the Revolutionary War so we wouldn’t have a queen anymore,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Quantum Oklahoma and chairman of the local Boston Massacre Party chapter. “My father fought in the Battle of Woodstock in 1969 when Jimi Hendrix was killed, and damn if I’m going to let some hick from Alaska parade around like she owns the place.”
Tool says he plans to join the pastor of his local church in burning a stack of Queen albums this week as a symbolic protest.
“Fat-bottomed girls, my ass!” he says.
Unfortunately for Tool and like-minded Quantum Americans, President Palin’s policies seem secure for now. The Boston Massacre movement has been having trouble gaining traction, as its members are required to kill each other with muskets at each meeting.