THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Archive for May, 2011

Godzilla’s career on the rocks after sex scandal

Posted by oldancestor on May 30, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Godzilla at the White House last year (file photo)

TOKYO – Godzilla, considered by many to be the world’s biggest movie star, may find his career in shambles following revelations he fathered a child by another woman while married to Mrs. Godzilla.

The mystery woman, who has not given her name, came forward last week to declare that her five-year-old son was the offspring of the cinematic giant. She said she was suspicious from the beginning when the child hatched from an egg and resembled a dinosaur.

“I wanted to believe it was my husband’s, but inside I knew the truth,” she said in an exclusive interview today with The Anvil. “Still, I wouldn’t trade that one night of passion for anything.”

The woman’s husband was quoted by witnesses as bragging, “My wife did Godzilla!”

 

The Mystery Woman

When the allegations first surfaced, fans and entertainment reporters alike expected a quick denial from the saurian star. When none was forthcoming, suspicions were aroused. Then came the bombshell: Mrs. Godzilla’s public announcement that she was separating from her husband after 25 years of marriage.

“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR,” she said, maintaining her composure in the face of reporters’ probing, sometimes intensely personal questions.

Godzilla quickly admitted to the affair and said he would take full responsibility for the child’s educational and financial needs.

Though he was praised for being forthright about the scandal, Godzilla’s star status is taking a hit, as is his bank account. The actor was fired today from the upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger biopic, How Green was My Governor, in which Godzilla was set to star as the popular Austrian bodybuilder-turned-politician. Now, the dream of winning the academy award that has long eluded him may go unfulfilled at least a while longer.

Rival monster Gamera, The Flying Turtle is in talks to replace Godzilla on the film. Gamera won an Emmy last year for playing the island in the series finale of the TV show Lost.

 

Gamera, rising star

Godzilla and Mrs. Godzilla had no children during their two and a half decades of marriage, though Godzilla has a son, Minya, from a previous relationship.

Godzilla was briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1960s.

He rose to fame in Japan in the 1950s when he starred in legendary director Akira Kurosawa’s The 700-ft Samurai. His first American film was Giant, in which he played the titular character opposite the late James Dean. His biggest hit was the film Immense (1999), the sequel to 1997’s Titanic.

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Life takes strange turns, doesn’t it? For example, until a week ago, I never thought I’d be reviewing a fashion exhibit for an entertainment blog, yet if you go check out my new story for Pure Film Creative, that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s a sample of it from the Alexander McQueen show currently in New York. Click the link above to read my take on it.

 

Does this make my butt look big?

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Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

Is anyone on the Internets tonight?

Posted by oldancestor on May 28, 2011

Hi there, ghost town.

 

Relief sculpture from Temple of Dendur (c. 15 B.C.E.) in New York

Check out my new post on Pure film Creative, where I talk Zombies, old guys with guitars, and how people in England have bad taste.

To make up for not writing a new Anvil story tonight, I’ve posted this image. It’s a relief sculpture from the Temple of Dendur. I took it at the Metropolitan Museum of Art today when I was “on assignment” for PFC. 

Back with more nonsense soon!

Posted in I am a camera | Tagged: , , , , , , | 22 Comments »

Science PROVES that video games cause violence

Posted by oldancestor on May 26, 2011

Is America turning its back on our most vulnerable citizens?

By Lacy Thundercake

 

PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they have found conclusive evidence linking violent video games to violent behavior in those who pay them, citing the recent spate of unsolved zombie killings as well as the large number of game controllers showing signs of domestic abuse.

Popular games such as Resident Evil and House of the Dead: Overkill, which require users to kill the undead in inhumane ways, lead players to devalue unlife in the real world, says head researcher Herbert West.

“We’ve seen a dramatic rise in the number of zombie killings nationwide, many of which are clearly copycatting methods designed by Nintendo and PlayStation in their violent games,” West explains. “It’s reminiscent of the space invader shootings back in the early 80s.”

Readers may recall that a group of alien invaders sued video-game maker Atari in 1989 after hundreds of extraterrestrials were killed by armed children shooting straight up into the air. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

West also says discarded game-system controllers often show signs of having been squeezed, shaken, and tilted sideways.

“Tilting an X-box controller does not improve shooting accuracy,” says West. “This leads us to the irrevocable conclusion that these objects were subjected to player rage.”

West adds, “A dead controller can’t talk, but, through science, we can bring its killer to justice.”

A spokesperson for Microsoft, which produces the X-box 360 console, was unavailable for comment, as she was in the midst of a 27-hour Bodycount marathon and was too dehydrated to speak.

The Princeton researchers’ findings are not the only evidence of violent video games inspiring real-life violence. The recent raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan turned up videotapes of Bin Laden himself playing Spyro the Dragon on the original PlayStation system, a hard-to-dispute link between fictional magic crystals and the masterminding of worldwide terrorist networks.

Josef Stalin, one of history’s most brutal dictators, was said to be addicted to the game Pong, which involves the relentless beating of a fat, unarmed pixel for hours on end. Politicians are also known to play Pong when learning how to deflect questions from reporters.

Pro-zombie activists planned to hold a rally in Washington DC today to demand lawmakers pass a bill that requires background checks and a mandatory 5-day waiting period for the purchase of zombie-killing games, but they were attacked and eaten by zombies.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments »

Vegetarian recipes for Memorial Day

Posted by oldancestor on May 23, 2011

By Robotman

 

Imported Japanese cutlery has revolutionized cannibalism (art by Mark Armstrong © 2011)

After two years living amongst the tribes of the Amazon rainforest, I return to civilization, as we call it, to share a few delicious vegetarian recipes with you. I picked these up from the Otrebmu, a small group of cannibals in northwest Brazil.

Vegetarian meat is quite versatile, as it is very tender – one might even say “compassionate” – and flavorful. Be careful when selecting your cut to determine if it’s from a grain-fed human or one who was raised on dairy products, as the latter can have a slightly gamey scent.

The most popular traditional recipe in the mangrove swamps around the Amazon River’s many tributaries is called “ruggero deodato” by the locals, or Boiled Human la Viande.

Prep time: 25 minutes

Cook time: 1 to 2 hours

Ingredients

50 chopped carrots

50 chopped celery stalks

One 60-gallon iron pot, filled with broth

Fire

One human, vegetarian

 

Directions

 

1. Heat water to 95 degrees

2. Place human in water

3. Boil until the human stops screaming

4. Simmer for 45 minutes.  For al dente, remove after 30 minutes.

5. Season to taste.

 

Serves 30.

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Ok, that was an easy one. Tomorrow, I’ll teach you a fabulous barbeque recipe that involves eviscerating a live human and shoving hot coals into its thoracic cavity, with detailed illustrations! Mmmm. I’ll also show you what to do with the giblets.*

Bon appétit!  

* Laws about cannibalism vary from state to state. We suggest you check with local culinary enforcement officials before killing and eating a person, vegetarian or otherwise.

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Today’s totally original and brilliant illustration brought to you by the lovely and talented Mark Armstrong. Check out more of Mark’s artwork on his Web site.

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Posted in Travel and Leisure | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments »

Check this out!

Posted by oldancestor on May 22, 2011

The Anvil sinks to a new low!

 

Greetings, beloved Anvil Readers and random surfers-in.

No new story here, but please check out my new post for Pure Film Creative.

You get to see me:

1. Use naughty words 

2.  Talk about the End of the World that didn’t happen, Lady Gaga, and Pompeii

3. Get mocked in the captions

James, the blog master, has been kind enough to avoid naked men pictures this week, so those of you with gentler tastes will only be mildly offended. To make up for this and for luring you in here with a non-story, I have posted an alternate picture my friend Sandi made (but I didn’t use) for my Royal Wedding post, because it was too risqué.

New story here tomorrow (probably)! But really, go read my PFC post. You’ll love it.

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Posted in I am a camera | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

Punxsutawney Phil escapes Doomsday in tiny rocket

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Sayonara, Earth!

PITTSBURGH, PA – Clairvoyant groundhog Punxsutawney Phil was spotted leaving our planet in his mini-starship today, likely in anticipation of tomorrow’s apocalypse. Most credible scientists view his escape as confirmation of the May 21st doomsday prediction made by noted predictor Harold Camping, who has won many converts with his zero-for-zero accuracy record.

Startled witnesses reported seeing the famous groundhog’s tiny craft lift off this morning from the western Pennsylvania woods near Punxsutawney Phil’s hometown, ironically also called Punxsutawney.

“He must have seen his shadow… in Hell,” said local resident Otis Toole, a follower of Camping, when asked why he thought Phil decided to skip the impending Rapture.

NASA scientists are unsure where the popular rodent will go, given the lack of groundhog-friendly planets in our solar system.

Cracky McShake, a geologist with the University of Detroit Online, said he doubted the doomsday prediction for too long.

“I’m only half done building my UFO,” he says. “All I needed was to figure out how it would fly. And how to get it out of my basement without cutting a big hole in the house. Oh well.”

Professor McShake holds out hope that Jesus will take a while to judge everyone.

“They’re saying six months, on account of Jesus being somewhat of a micromanager who doesn’t like to delegate tasks to subordinates,” he explains. “I’ll just hang low, Mel-Gibson-in-The-Road-Warrior style, until my ship is done.”

He later added, “Plywood, baby!”

Punxsutawney Phil’s departure is sure to boost the ratings of tonight’s ABC television special, Dick Clark’s End of the World Rockin’ Eve, airing at 11 pm. Set to be broadcast live from Times Square in New York City, the show will feature live performances from Beyonce, Green Day, Katie Perry, Elton John, Placido Domingo, and Lady Gaga. Justin Bieber was also scheduled to appear, but advertisers feared his presence might invite an early start to Armageddon and demanded a cancellation.

Lady Gaga said she plans to dress as the Virgin Mary, including the shrink wrap, magenta panties, and a metallic bra with glow-in-the-dark nipple stars described in the Gospels.

“Jesus wouldn’t send his mother to hell, would he?” Gaga told The Anvil via telephone this afternoon. “Then again, he probably will in my case, because I’m so persecuted all the time.”

No one is sure when the apocalypse will start tomorrow or if Jesus will respect the International Date Line, thus giving Hawaiians a little extra breathing room but royally screwing Fiji. Calls to Jesus’ 24-hour-hotline, 1-88-JUDGMENT, went unanswered.

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Editorial note: This version corrects an earlier headline that wasn’t drawing enough clicks

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Posted in Science, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Anvil Haiku

Posted by oldancestor on May 19, 2011

By Lennie

 

 

*

Heavy iron thing

Please feel free to hammer down

But do watch your thumb

This one weighs a ton

I’m so sorry you’ve been crushed

Cartoon coyote

 *

When I have no time

I thank Basho for Haiku!

It comes in handy

 *

I’d like to hear yours

Please avoid profanity

You’ll be unapproved

*

Posted in Poetry | Tagged: , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

Goodbye, Derek

Posted by oldancestor on May 18, 2011

Editorial note: Despite our best efforts over the past year to depict our former head writer, Eric J Baker, as a parody of a serious news journalist, he insists on being a real human being who sometimes writes things that aren’t funny. This story is one of those things. – Old Ancestor, Editor-in-chief
 
 
 
Derek Boogaard 1982 – 2011

By Eric J Baker

 

Anyone who has read this blog regularly over the past year knows I have a rather surreal take on our strange world and its colorful, wonderful inhabitants. And never do I feel more surreal and less human than when I first awaken.

My clock radio is set to conservative morning talk, not because I enjoy it but because I despise it so much I can’t wait to turn it off.  It’s the only thing powerful enough to make me get out of bed. Forget the annoying beep. I’ll just dream I’m trying to smash an indestructible beeping box with a hammer.

Upon hearing that commentator’s voice leap from the crackling speaker every morning at 6:30, my brain, fresh from slumber, struggles to make sense of the world. We have a president? What? Why? Traffic report? We dart around in metal-and-plastic, mechanized carts, filling them full of explosive liquid and sometimes crashing them into each other, on our way to a big box with windows, push numbers and words around for 9 hours, then go home?

Why?

If I wake up to the sports recap, I’m in full surreal mode. A bunch of large, muscular men (or women) running around a field smacking a ball around. Random restrictions on where and when you are allowed to smack. People who don’t know the players stand off to the side, watching, feeling their joy surge and their despair swell in turn, depending on who smacked a ball where.

Ball smackers get paid.

Wait, that’s a little too surreal. Start over:

These are real human athletes doing these things, but if I only hear about it and don’t see it, it’s a bit of an abstraction, right?

Ice hockey is a sport I enjoy above others, but even that is bizarre to my awakening mind. Especially the fights. The prevalence of fighting in hockey is grossly exaggerated by self-amused non-fans, but it is true that every team has an enforcer. Or a “goon” if he plays for the rival team. This is the guy who drops the gloves from time to time for a bare-knuckle brawl with his counterpart in the other uniform. He spends most of the season with broken cheekbones, shattered blood vessels under the skin, and cut-up hands.

During the misty morning sports report, I often think how weird it must be for the enforcer to go home to his wife. Does it hurt her to see her husband’s face beat to a pulp all year? Hockey enforcers get paid a lot better than I do, but they’re still usually the lowest paid guys on the team. An enforcer in the minor leagues takes this abuse for a lot less compensation… The adulation of a few thousand small-town fans, pretty much, and free ice bags.

I believe in personal choice and think boxers should be allowed to box, base jumpers should be allowed to jump, and hockey players should be allowed to fight. If you die doing it, you took the chance.

Which is a nice abstraction in my conscious alert mind, but when New York Rangers enforcer Derek Boogaard, by all accounts a great guy off the ice, dropped dead in his apartment a few days ago, my morning mind came to the fore. People die and don’t ever get to come back. How incredibly odd. What if they aren’t done?

Boogaard, a strapping, tremendously fit man who stood 6’7” tall and weighed 270 pounds, was only 28 years old. He missed most of this season with a brain injury suffered in a fight.

Authorities don’t expect to know for weeks why he died. Maybe it had nothing to do with his job. Even if it did, I still think hockey players should be allowed to fight, and I still say Derek Boogaard knew the risks. But it fills me with sadness that he only got to experience our strange world and its colorful, wonderful inhabitants for such a short time. I hope he remembered to take a moment and notice how surreal it all is.

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Posted in I am a camera | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

Famous blogger critically injured by falling Anvil

Posted by oldancestor on May 17, 2011

 
Hanson Anderson, prior to his disfiguring accident

By Lacy Thundercake

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Blogger and part-time unabomber Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog was seriously injured at his cabin in the Australian Alps yesterday when an anvil fell on his head, flattening him. Police are treating the incident as a hate crime.

“Pretty much everybody hates the guy,” said Sydney police commissioner Fred “Crocodile” Gordon. “I’d have done it myself, mate, but I’m the police and then I’d have all kinds of paperwork.”

Anderson has gained notoriety in recent years by targeting beloved media outlets like People’s Republic of Korea’s Dear Leader Television for Democratic Workers’ Unity in North Korea and others with scathing diatribes that resemble the rantings of a 16th century goat molester with undiagnosed demonic possession. He has also been arrested several times for prancing topless in public fountains while shouting, “Dead dogs don’t die!” according to police reports from several countries in eastern Europe.

Investigators have yet to determine where the anvil that struck Anderson fell from, but police aren’t ruling out a political motive for the attack.

“An anvil is a strange choice of weapon to attack somebody,” says Commissioner Gordon. “Someone was trying to send a message. We just don’t know what it is as yet.”

Some experts believe it may be the work of Antonio Banderas.

“You have to be tall and handsome to pull something like that off,” says Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on pasty-white weirdoes being injured by heavy objects.

Anderson is said to be recuperating at an undisclosed hospital in Sydney, under police protection. Officers have been instructed to prevent Antonio Banderas from entering the room, just in case.

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Editorial note: Anvil editor Old Ancestor is traveling “on business” at an undisclosed location and will delete your unread emails upon his return. Thank you to Qantas airlines for allowing a 700-pound, anvil-shaped carry on bag.

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BAM!

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments »

Major announcement stuns news industry!

Posted by oldancestor on May 16, 2011

 

In space, no one reads your cover letter

By Old Ancestor

 

The Anvil is running for president! 

We’d love to be making that announcement, but now that Trump and Huckabee have dropped out, the thrill is gone. Therefore, we have decided to announce something even bigger. Something that will forever change the way you view the news media in the information age:

 

The Anvil is changing its content.

 

For several months now, we have been boasting about our 300 million daily readers. This number was based on a careful assessment of clicks, comments, and total fabrication. Our accountant/bookie, Rocko, who is a wiz with numbers, was released from prison this week and, like a diligent employee, reviewed our stats. He said we are actually getting about 90 page views per day.

 

That is not enough.

 

Starting this week, The Anvil will begin expanding its offerings. Don’t worry, loyal readers, we will continue to bring you the latest breaking fake news, but we will also have a less restrictive format that permits other types of satire and as well as essays and observations. Hopefully a guest post or two.

 

Effective immediately, the ever-popular Lacy Thundercake is promoted to head writer. Lennie becomes contributing writer, and Eric J Baker is promoted to real person. Baker will be replaced on the news team by new contributing writer Robotman, who also created the universe and everything in it as a science experiment 13 billion years ago. See our staff page for more details.

 

Rest assured, The Anvil team will redouble its effort to entertain you. By our calculations, that means we will work four times harder.

 

EDITOR’S NOTE: This version updates an earlier edition that stated the planets in our solar system are lined up this month in anticipation of today’s announcement. NASA scientists now believe the planets are lining up for job applications with McDonald’s, which has begun backfilling positions lost during the recent recession.

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Posted in Media | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »