THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure

Posted by oldancestor on July 2, 2010

Explosion releases enough radiation to give cancer to millions

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Bioluminescent aliens from Neptune bearing a cure-all serum head for Earth (the planet Saturn is visible through the spacecraft's center window). 10 hours later, they were dead.

 SOMERSET, NJ – It looks as if instant eradication of all the world’s diseases will have to wait.

Missiles fired yesterday from the lawn of New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca struck the Neptunian flagship CE3K at an altitude of 40,000 feet, destroying it and scattering radioactive debris across the tri-state area. The extraterrestrial craft was allegedly en route to the United Nations building in New York to deliver a “miracle” cure for all disease when it was hit.

It is unknown how many aliens were on board, but they are all assumed dead.

Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca spokesperson Delores Smokescreen, speaking to reporters yesterday afternoon, attempted to justify the company’s actions by saying, “Haven’t you ever seen V? How about Godzilla vs. Monster Zero? These so-called ‘benevolent’ aliens always have a hidden agenda.”

She went on to say, “Rent Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Netflix. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Reaction in our nation’s capital was initially one of outrage and disgust.

“Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca’s actions and words are appalling,” said President Obama from the White House last night. “Trying to compare this situation to Killer Klowns from Outer Space is absurd. Those Klowns never tried to disguise their intentions.”

However, Democrats and Republicans were forced to stop criticizing the drug company when reminded they are all lackeys for multi-billion-dollar corporations like Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca and should keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.

Neptune’s ruler, Klaatu Varada Nickto, issued an interplanetary statement this morning that read, in part, “We had hoped to usher in a new era of cooperation and scientific enlightenment by offering you a serum that would forever eliminate all disease from your planet. Unfortunately, you are not ready for that and never will be. Prepare to be destroyed.”

Religious groups and political figures around the world are condemning Nickto’s words today.

Evangelicals R Us president and multimillionaire F. A. Brimstone released  his own statement that read, “These Godless heathens want to inject Satan into our veins! They’re jealous because Neptune revolves around the Earth, as does the rest of the universe.”

The statement goes on to say, “Telescopes and math are the work of the Devil and should be destroyed.”

Just before this article went to press, Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “Anything we don’t immediately understand MUST be killed without question!”

Whether or not the aliens’ cure would have worked is under debate. Doctors and medical research scientists (who’ve seen a sample of the compound and read the data) say receiving the serum would have been the most profound event in human history, while others, who have no knowledge of science or medicine, deny that claim.

So why was the craft shot down?

“There’s no profit in a miracle cure,” speculates Medical Ethicist Kyohei Yamane, whose title prompts people to wonder how he makes a living doing that.

Meanwhile, Chester Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Oklahoma, vows to keep his shotgun nearby.

“They [the aliens] can keep their wacky health juice,” he says between fits of coughing. “I’m watching the skies. Tell them Klowns they better not try to set foot, or whatever squiggly things they use, on my property or else.”

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4 Responses to “Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure”

  1. I’m waiting for a miracle cure that comes in grape flavor.

  2. art vandolay said

    Does the miracle cure help with zombie dogs?? My pooch is getting out of hand ( eating the brains of visiting friends and such)and I would welcome any help I could get. Please send your answer to “drop thebrainsfido@yahoo.com

  3. Supreme said

    Supreme…

    […]Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure « THE ANVIL[…]…

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