THE ANVIL

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Archive for July, 2010

BP, in an effort to appear more likeable, changes its name to Tom Hanks

Posted by oldancestor on July 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker

 

Little-known fact: BP actually stands for “Bionic Pencil”

LONDON – Incoming BP CEO Mel Gibson, who is set to replace the beleaguered Tony Hayward in a few months, announced today that the company was changing its name to Tom Hanks.

“Everyone loves Tom Hanks,” Gibson told reporters. “Everyone trusts Tom Hanks. That’s the image we are trying to cultivate. Love and trust. And oil. But not the leaky kind. Yuck.”

While it’s not uncommon for sports arenas to take corporate names in exchange for money, this is believed to be the first time a company has purchased the identity of a celebrity. Some are calling it a bold move by BP’s new leadership group.

“Gibson is trying to let people know he’s the new sheriff in town,” said business analyst Pinky Middleton of Detroit University Online. “In essence, he is the de facto leader.”

Middleton also said, “I’ve been dying for a reason to say that word. De Facto. Deeee Faaaactooooo. Cool. Do you need any more quotes? I’ve got lots of material.”

It may take more than a name change to reverse the British energy giant’s fortunes.  Public sentiment against the corporation is still high, despite its pretty green-and-yellow logo. Readers might  recall that BP was behind the worldwide Vaseline shortage last year, and it was recently discovered that the company has been poking holes in the Earth and making it bleed black blood.

Current CEO Hayward did no favors for his or the company’s image last week when, in full view of TV news cameras, he urinated from the deck of his yacht into Gulf waters off the coast of Florida.

Footage taken of the incident captured Hayward shouting, “Piss off, you bloody stupid Americans. And, for the record, it’s ‘tomahto.’ Wankers.”

That was enough for one American citizen to take action.

“We’re going to run him out of town,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, who has founded the activist group, Redcoats United, with the expressed aim of deporting undocumented British laborers. “We beat them in the Civil War and in World War II, and we’ll beat them again.”

When informed that the term ‘redcoat’ refers to British soldiers who fought against colonial forces in the American Revolution, Tool declined to respond, though his wife, Madge, said, “Where’s my cigarettes? The unfiltered ones.”

Gibson responded to the concerns of the anti-British-immigration faction by telling reporters, “Look. I hate the British too. You don’t see me renaming this company ‘Sir John Gielgud’ or ‘Afternoon Tea’ do you?”

In response to questions about BP’s unexpected move, a spokesman for the actor Tom Hanks said, “WILSON!” Those who had been expecting a quote from Forrest Gump were surprised by Hanks’ fictional response.

In a related story, actor Mel Gibson (no relation to the new BP CEO) announced he was changing his name to BP.

“I’m trying as hard as I can to be hated, and this ought to put me over the top,” he said this morning from the Los Angeles set of his new movie, A-Hole, in which he is playing a formerly beloved actor now prone to drunken, racist rants and domestic violence. According to sources inside the troubled production, the script is undergoing daily rewrites.

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Obama’s secret passion: Italian cannibal movies

Posted by oldancestor on July 25, 2010

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Cannibals and Zombies. Can you tell the difference?

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama revealed in a primetime interview last night he frequently watches 1970s and early 1980s Italian-made cannibal movies and that he owns an extensive collection of them on DVD. The films are usually set in South American jungles and are considered to be among the most violent and blood-drenched productions in cinema history.

Appearing on NBC’s newsmagazine show Scripted Dramas are Too Expensive, the President told host Chris Hansen, “When I need to think on an issue that affects Americans, I often put on an Italian cannibal movie. It clears my head and, you know, the answer reveals itself.”

First Lady Michele Obama, sitting beside her husband during the interview that took place in the White House, laughed at his comment, saying, “Yeah. He also watches them all day when we’re on vacation. It’s like an Italian-cannibal-movie marathon. Last time we were away he must have watched Make Them Die Slowly  a dozen times.”

That 1981 film, also released under the title, Cannibal Ferox, features numerous scenes of graphic flesh eating and dismemberment and once boasted on its theater-lobby poster of having been “banned in 31 countries.”

When asked by Hansen if their daughters were allowed to watch the film, the First Lady said, “Oh, yeah. Malia can name all 24 acts of barbaric cruelty in the order they occur in the movie.”

Why specifically Italian-made cannibal movies?

“Pretty much nobody else makes them,” says the First Lady.

The President also cites 1978’s notorious Cannibal Holocaust and 1977’s Trap Them and Kill Them (also known as Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals) as favorites.

“The one I watch the most though,” the President told America last night, “is Doctor Butcher MD. It just doesn’t let up. There’s some serious flesh eating in that one.”

Reaction from Republicans on Capital Hill was swift and harsh this morning.

“It’s outrageous that the President of the United States would make this claim,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Doctor Butcher MD isn’t a cannibal film. It’s a zombie film.”

Representative Eric Cantor (R-VA) echoed McConnell’s words, saying, “The alternate title is Zombie Holocaust. In neither title does the word ‘cannibal’ appear. The American people are not that easily fooled.”

When told of Cantor’s remarks, Vice President Biden said, “That’s bullsh*t. Has the congressman even watched the movie? The zombies show up with about 5 minutes left at the end. The rest is cannibals. It’s a cannibal movie.”

Online retailer Amazon.com reports sales of Italian cannibal DVDs are surging today. 1980’s Zombie Holocaust/Doctor Butcher MD appears to have benefited the most from all the controversy, ranking # 2 amongst all titles in sales today, up from 37,234th yesterday.

Earlier today, radio and television pundit Glenn Beck accused Amazon.com of being a leftist organization, asking radio listeners, “Don’t you find it more than a little coincidental that President Obama’s favorite movies are set in the Amazon jungle?”

An Amazon.com spokesperson denied any connection.

Scripted Dramas are Too Expensive host Hansen, who many feel was more interesting when he was humiliating child molesters on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator, is known for probing into his political guests’ hobbies and personal interests. On last week’s show, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin told Hansen that she relaxes by practicing her ABC’s and trying to memorize her board book, “Numbers 1-9.”

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Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

FLYING SAUCER LANDS ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN!

Posted by oldancestor on July 22, 2010

NASA chief says, “It’s not my problem.”

 

By Eric J Baker

Space Aliens from the planet Neptune

WASHINGTON DC – A major security breach occurred at the White House yesterday when a Tea Party member taking part in a demonstration removed a saucer from under his tea cup and tossed it, Frisbee style, over the wrought iron fence surrounding the presidential residence. The ceramic disk landed harmlessly in the grass about 20 feet from the gate.

Secret Service agents quickly surrounded the protestor, identified as Pinky Middleton, 28, of Burlington, Vermont, and took him into custody. He was released a few hours later without being charged.

“This is exactly the kind of socialist response we’ve come to expect from the Obama administration,” Middleton said through his lawyer today. “The guy hires a bunch of security thugs to watch his house, and we have to foot the bill. Who does he think he is, Snoop Dogg?”

Some observers in the crowd were stunned by what they saw.

“I never thought I’d see the day that a flying saucer landed on the White House lawn. Do you realize this profoundly changes everything we’ve ever believed?” asked Shko!!!!!!pklt, one of several space aliens from the planet Neptune who witnessed the event.

Indeed, a saucer has never landed on the White House lawn, though Vice President Joe Biden did drop a fork there two weeks ago, and in 1993, during the Clinton administration, a homeless man managed to shove a can of Diet Cherry Coke between two vertical fence posts before being shot to death by Secret Service agents.

Yesterday’s security slip-up was another black eye for President Obama’s security team, which had allowed uninvited guests to “crash” a state dinner back in November. Readers may remember that those so-called guests turned out to be a band of ravenous zombies who killed and ate two Senators as well as a diplomat from India.

Transformers director Michael Bay, in town this week to scout locations for his upcoming remake of My Dinner with Andre, to be called MD/A3D, was in the White House at the time of the saucer-throwing incident.

“I’m glad it turned out to be a harmless plate,” he said, “but it’s scary to think of the possibilities. What if it had only looked like a saucer, but was actually a transforming robot that snuck into the White House and… Oooh. Wait a minute. That’s good. That’s real good. You got a pen?”

NASA engineers are currently analyzing the saucer and admit to being perplexed.

“I’m not sure what to make of it,” says Molecular Discombobulation Specialist Roopvani Parkesh. “It’s called a saucer but doesn’t appear to dispense sauce. We even tried using ‘sauce’ as a verb, and still nothing. Why is it called a saucer?”

DC Metro police and the FBI are seeking the matching tea cup, which Mr. Middleton claims to have misplaced, in the hopes that some connection can be found between the two objects.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Horoscope Horror! Feds Privatize the Zodiac

Posted by oldancestor on July 18, 2010

WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR YOU? SEE YOUR NEW ASTROLOGICAL SIGN BELOW AND FIND OUT!

By Lennie

 

Updated Zodiac symbols. Match yours to the horoscope below!

In an effort to trim the budget deficit, the federal government announced it will eliminate the Department of Zodiac, effectively putting thousands of licensed astrologers out of work and ending the era of industry regulation and oversight. With the massive, 800-billion-dollar spending cut comes other changes as well. For starters, each sign will have a new icon. Say “Bye” to the Bull. “Adios” to the Archer. “Sayonara” to the Scorpion. “Adieu” to the-

[Just get on with it – Ed.]  

Which brings to mind one simple question: How many will die because of this?!!

Deficit hawks in our nation’s capital are gloating this morning, but will they be all smiles when the bodies begin to pile up? Because that’s what will happen when unlicensed, back-alley “zodiaticians” start peddling their snake oil, dishing out mindless drivel that, at best, bears no relationship to actual Zodiac science. And that dishing will commence, oh, any minute now.

So what can you do to stay safe in this perilous new era of deregulation and back sliding into sheer quackery? You can get your Lennie-approved Horoscope right here at the Anvil! Don’t be fooled by imitations. Here goes:

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Old icon: Ram

New icon: Bizarre alien life form we can’t understand

Since you tend to be impulsive, you’re at risk of stabbing your lover with a butcher knife. Don’t, because you also tend to do poorly with prison life. Next Thanksgiving, go to Chili’s and get a nacho platter or something else that doesn’t require sharp utensils to eat. And don’t forget to take your meds.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Old icon: Bull

New icon: Car

You are going to have a lot of health problems this year. You thought everything was fine after they took out your gallbladder and did your knee replacement, but it’s only the beginning. Your shoulder is going next, followed by your eyesight. It’s frustrating because you aren’t that old and you’ve already spent a lot of money on maintenance. And with that long stride and size 12 shoes, you wonder why that little Japanese guy can run farther and faster and seems like he’ll last a lot longer.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Old icon: Twins

New icon: Sextuplets

You crave stardom, but you never bothered to learn how to do anything interesting. Your parents and friends say, “Why does someone who wants to be famous spend so much time watching TV and eating junk food?” The truth is, you just like watching TV and eating junk food. You figure you could easily be on one of those reality shows. Which is true, but haven’t you ever heard of pride?

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Old icon: Crab

New icon: Lobster

You’re kinda set in your ways, which, frankly, makes you boring. That’s why no one calls you. You never want to try anything new. Netflix isn’t the whole world, you know. The good news is you will be rescued from your doldrums by a handsome stranger who saw your couch on Craig’s List. Unfortunately, he will give you food poisoning the first time he cooks you dinner, and thereafter you will think of diarrhea whenever you see his face. This horoscope is true even if you are a heterosexual man, so that ought to make you reevaluate your life, eh?

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Old icon: Lion

New icon: A wedge of Swiss cheese

You will suffer abject humiliation when you go on Dr. Oz to talk about your farting problem. Dude, what did you expect? It’s a TV show. Did you think your co-workers wouldn’t DVR it?  To make matters worse, you will unintentionally say something so hysterically embarrassing that it becomes a pop-culture-smash clip they play at least twice on every single episode of E!’s The Soup for the next two years. Not to mention the 5 million YouTube hits.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Old icon: Virgin

New icon: Stripper pole

I hate to say this, but you’re the reason they can’t use the Virgin icon anymore. Maybe you should have started getting the hint when the bartender at TGI Friday’s gave you that “Take a number” dispenser. The worst part is yet to come: You know Jesse at Wal-mart, with only one tooth and the yellow spandex biking shorts? I’m going to let you take a minute to think about why I asked that. And when that tiny light bulb goes on over your head and you say, “No way. Not on a million years,” I’m going to say, “Yes way. This summer.” Book it.

Libra (September 23- October 22)

Old icon: Scales

New icon: Scales, but like on a monster

No, your dream of being called on stage to play drums for Rush because Neil Peart got the flu will not come true this year either. Neither will your dream of moving out of your mom’s basement. But truthfully, you don’t really want either of those things to happen, do you? What if you got up on stage and realized you had no pants on? How embarrassing. And where else will you get free cable and all the Doritos and wild cherry Pepsi you could ever drink? No, you’re sitting pretty, when you think about it, and will continue to do so. Thumbs up.          

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Old icon: Scorpion

New icon: Jack Nicholson in The Shining

Your planet is Neptune and unfortunately, Neptune is going to get smashed by a giant asteroid this year. Don’t worry, no one lives on Neptune (as far as we know), but whatever happens to Neptune happens to you. It won’t be an asteroid of course. If a giant asteroid hits your head, it’s pretty much going to hit a lot of people’s heads. I was thinking more like a small lead ball being thrown from atop a skyscraper. Just big enough to poke through the top of your skull and shoot out the bottom. So don’t go see the big Christmas tree in New York this year, like you were planning. Sometimes you can beat this Zodiac business if you’re smart.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Old icon: the Archer

New icon: A can of Raid

The Shining is your favorite movie, and you will be pissed when you find out Scorpios have the new Shining icon and you missed it by less than a month. This always happens to you. Remember when you thought your Chinese Zodiac symbol was a dragon? You thought that was so cool that you started studying Buddhism and practicing Zen and all that. Then you realized you were looking at some lunar calendar baloney and your symbol was actually a rat. Stop asking your parents if they wrote the wrong month on your birth certificate application. They didn’t. You are a Sagittarius. Suck it up.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

Old icon: Goat

New icon: A drop of antifreeze (the green kind, not the orange)

You thought you were cool because Jesus was a Capricorn too, though, somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew believing in the Zodiac wasn’t very Christian. Then, in school, they taught you Jesus was probably born some time in March, perhaps six years earlier than our calendar suggests. That left you feeling hollow, bitter, and betrayed, so much so that you became an atheist. Then you met the girl of your dreams and she taught you that you can’t make that kind of choice based on spite or anger. It has to be a rational decision, one way or the other. You may be grateful to her for helping you, but I have to tell you: She’s cheating on you with the guy who installed your attic fan. By the way, this horoscope is especially confusing if you’re a woman.   

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

Old icon: Water carrier

New icon: An angry pink bunny

You were jazzed when you found out your planet was Venus. Venus being the goddess of love and all that. Then you joined NASA and trained for 10 years, determined to become the best they had. How could they say no when you volunteered for the Venus trip? It’s your damn planet, after all. And they did choose you, like you knew they would. Then you got there and found out it’s 900 degrees Fahrenheit and rains liquid metal. What you wouldn’t give for a nice, cold drink right about now. A nice, tall, cold glass of ice water. Mmmmmm. I’m drinking mine right now. Ahhh. That’s refreshing.   

Pisces (February 20 to March 20)

Old icon: Fish

New icon: Field and Stream magazine

Your planet used to be Pluto, but you dodged a bullet when you whimsically changed it to Saturn a week before Pluto was demoted to dwarf planet. But much like in a Final Destination movie, you can’t escape your destiny. You will be demoted at work. I’d say I feel bad for you, but perhaps you should not have looked at all than online porn when you were supposed to be filing invoices.

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Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Zombie Wins Republican Primary!

Posted by oldancestor on July 16, 2010

Wholesale Orders of Human Flesh Skyrocket

 

By Eric J Baker 

 
 
 

Bub Howard declares victory last night

 

SACRAMENTO – In a shocking turn that has stunned the political world, undead GOP Senate candidate Bub Howard has seemingly come from nowhere to defeat Carly Fiorina in California’s Republican primary runoff election. Howard will now face Democrat Barbara Boxer in November’s midterms, leaving Fiorina to sit at home and count the millions she earned turning Hewlett Packard into a crappy company.

If Americans ever needed proof that zombies have become a potent political force, here it is: Howard was polling tenth out of ten GOP candidates only 4 months ago. But that was before the Zombie Apocalypse began. Howard died of zombiosis (zombie-bite poisoning) in late April and suddenly, just days after he returned from the grave to devour the flesh of the living, most polls showed him in fifth place. 

“One out of four Americans is now undead. It’s time we had a voice in Washington!” Howard told groaning supporters at his headquarters in the Los Angeles County Morgue. “They can shoot us in the head. They can burn us. But they can’t take away our appetite… for victory in November!”

Even as of yesterday morning, though, his win hardly seemed assured. In fact, most believed Fiorina had won the original primary last month and would campaign against the incumbent, Boxer, in the fall. But Howard made a late surge, and, when all the votes were counted, the election was deemed “too close to call,” necessitating yesterday’s runoff.

Some political experts believe Howard benefited from a combination of factors.

“You have to realize there are more and more zombies every day,” says Lucy O. Fulci, the head of UCLA’s Political Science department. “One thing we’ve noticed is that zombies vote zombie, almost exclusively. This is why President Obama’s poll numbers are dropping. Many of his most ardent supporters in 2008 are zombies now. It would be politically expedient of him to become undead.”

A second factor in Howard’s rise is a revitalized ad campaign. His initial slogan, “Brainsssss!” failed to catch on, as many felt it simply pandered to his base. To tap into voter discontent with Washington establishment, Howard changed the phrase to, “We’re coming to get you, Barbara!” and his popularity took off.

Senator Boxer’s campaign must have anticipated a possible victory for the undead Republican: They’ve already issued a new slogan today, which reads, “There’s something rotting in Denmark. And it’s Bub Howard!”

Despite their supposed unity as a voting block, some zombies are throwing their support behind Boxer.

“I can’t believe [Howard] is running as a Republican,” says Morty Rigor, a former electrician and now walking corpse who spends his days feasting on the supple flesh of the living. “The Republicans are the ones who wanted us shot on sight. They’re the ones who won’t let us get married. The liberals fought for our right to vote, for crying out loud!”

A staffer from Howard’s campaign, and also a zombie, responded to these allegations by telephone this morning.

“Taxes. It’s that simple,” said the staffer. “Zombies don’t have to pay taxes, because we’re dead, and Bub Howard doesn’t think anyone should have to. Plus, there’s that death tax, and we really don’t like it. Why should we lose all that money just because we’ve become hideous, murdering, cannibalistic, hell-spawned abominations?”

What remains to be seen is how long zombies can stay a powerful presence in American politics. The Apocalypse is only a few months old, and early zombies are already starting to show signs of desiccation and advanced decomposition. Scientists believe the flesh-eating behavior only slows the rotting but does not stop it. Will there be enough walking dead left by November to give Boxer’s Senate seat to Howard?

“There’s no need to be concerned” says Dr. Fulci. “Zombies and humans will learn to live in harmony, and we are about to enter the utopian future we’ve always dreamed about.”

She went on to say, “I’m kidding. This is the Apocalypse. Two years from now, mankind will be wiped out, the zombies will have decayed, and all humanity’s great accomplishments will be lost to the sands of time, as if none of it had ever happened.”      

[The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers. That was the most depressing ending ever written for a fake news article. We promise our next article will conclude with someone getting hit in the groin by a little kid swinging a bat at a piñata and missing. – Ed]

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

High fuel costs force Japan to scrap Mecha-Godzilla

Posted by oldancestor on July 13, 2010

Estimated annual fuel cost: A gajillion yen!

 

By Eric J Baker

YOU'RE FIRED!

TOKYO – Japan’s once-vaunted Mecha-Godzilla robot, which was supposed to be mankind’s answer to the relentless giant-monster attacks that have plagued East Asia since the 1950s, has been mothballed, perhaps permanently. Japan’s Defense Ministry cites the high cost of fuel and the recent global recession as the primary reasons for terminating the program.

“It’s a sad day for the proud nation of Japan,” said Mecha-G Force director Akira Takasaki at a press conference in Tokyo yesterday. “Mecha-Godzilla runs on gasoline, as you all know, and it’s become cost-prohibitive to fill his tank. You can fly a 747 from here to New York with less fuel than is consumed in an hour of Mecha-G operation.”

Indeed, that fact is bittersweet vindication for Takasaki, who was heavily criticized at the time of the robot’s construction in the early 1990s for designing it to be the same size as Godzilla.

“Why don’t they just make it twice as big and kill Godzilla in five seconds?” asked then US Vice-President Dan Quayle at the time. It turns out, though, the scaled-down version was able to stay running far longer than the proposed “Double Mecha-G” would have, given gas prices in recent years.

Now, at last, the bad economy has caught up to the gleaming silver warrior and sent it to the unemployment line like so many millions of us humans.

But how effective has the program really been? The giant robot helped Japan’s elite G-Spotter Team repel Godzilla on numerous occasions, but the massive gray-green mutant tyrannosaur has not been killed, as was promised by the Japanese government when attempting to justify the high cost of the project.

Even today, Godzilla remains defiant, saying this morning via Twitter, “AAAAAAARRRRRRRUUUUH!”

Citizens all across Japan are outraged over news of the robot’s forced retirement.

“So they raise my taxes to pay for this thing and then tell me they can’t afford to fuel it?” asks Pinky Fukuda, a truck driver from Hokkaido. “How expensive will it be to repair Tokyo next time Godzilla destroys it? Who’s going to pay for that?”

11-year-old Kenji Sahara of Okinawa echoes Fukuda’s words, telling the Anvil, “Super-Excellent Robot attacks are listed! Go Go Goji! Collect them all and friends shout Ya!”

On this side of the Pacific, some politicians and pundits are calling for sanctions against Japan.

“What if Fidel Castro bought this thing on the black market?” asked Fox News television host Glenn Beck during last night’s broadcast. “I’m sorry folks, but you can say goodbye to Florida.”

Beck’s ghost writer is said to already be working on a novel about liberals building a giant gay robot that attacks an all-white elementary school putting on a play about Moses and the Ten Commandments.  

So what will become of the 250-foot-tall Mecha-Godzilla, which cost an estimated 75 billion dollars to design and construct?

Perverts are urging the government to melt it down and use the technology and parts to build commercially available humanlike androids that resemble Japanese schoolgirls in skirts and white panties.

“Japan has always been at the forefront of robotics,” says a pervert who declined to give his name. “I suggest this idea not for my own enjoyment but for the economic benefit.”

Experts say there’s only a one- to two-percent chance such androids will retain memory of Mecha-Godzilla’s original command to attack and destroy things its own size, which, in that unlikely event, would be humans.

A one- to two-percent chance.

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Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Lindsay Lohan has finally bitten off more than she can chew

Posted by oldancestor on July 11, 2010

Will Megan Fox win an Oscar because of it?

 

By Lacy Thundercake

Lohan in a scene from her latest film, "Konga: 2010." Critics are buzzing, but will Academy voters remember her performance next year?

 LOS ANGELES – Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan nearly choked to death at a trendy Los Angeles restaurant Saturday night after she attempted to swallow an oversized meatball, say witnesses. She was inadvertently saved by troubled actor Mel Gibson.

Lohan, notorious for shoving too much food in her mouth at once, was said to have ordered a menu item called “Death by Meatball” at MegaPasta, a popular eatery on Santa Monica Boulevard. According to sources at the scene, Lohan’s friends warned her not to attempt downing the spicy, round delicacy in one try, but the actress laughed them off and did it anyway. Seconds later, her face was turning purple.

A drunken Gibson, who happened to be dining there at the same time, allegedly mistook Lohan for his ex-girlfriend Oksana and began accosting her.

A waitress at the restaurant told the Anvil that Gibson shouted, “You ugly, purple-faced skank. I hope you get dry-humped by a gaggle of rabid kangaroos.” Allegedly, he then slammed Lohan against the wall, and the force of the impact dislodged the object from her throat.

Paramedics arrived a short time later and treated the 24-year-old actress at the scene. Gibson, a follower of noted first-century pacifist Jesus Christ, asked EMS workers if they were Jewish and, without waiting for an answer, began uttering anti-Semitic comments. He was quickly removed from the building by restaurant security.

“Patrons should know you can’t chew one of our meatballs whole,” said the restaurant’s manager, Luigi Cozzi. “It’s almost the size of my fist.”

Lohan was reportedly out celebrating because she learned she’d been cast to play Britney Spears in an upcoming biopic about the pop singer.

“Britney is such a screw up,” Lohan told The Hollywood Reporter just hours before the choking incident. “It’s sad what she’s done to her career. I hope this movie shames her into getting help.”

The busy star is also playing Paris Hilton in another biopic that starts shooting in the fall. That film, tentatively titled Famous for No Freaking Reason Whatsoever, is expected to be released next summer. Lohan, a method actress, has gone so far as to arrange a jail stint for herself later this month so she can fully understand Hilton’s life experience.

And in an odd twist that can only happen in Hollywood, untroubled actress Megan Fox has just been signed by New Line Cinema to play Lindsay Lohan in a biopic about Lohan starring in the biopics about Hilton and Spears.

Not to be outdone, Warner Brothers studios has just greenlit a biopic about Megan Fox playing Lohan playing Hilton and Spears. The role of Ms. Fox will be played by Gary Oldman. Also scheduled to appear in the film are Samuel L. Jackson and Sir Ben Kingsley, who will portray each other.

So where does Mel Gibson fit into all this?

Despite the numerous controversies surrounding the star, Gibson continues to direct and produce his own films. The man behind the international smash The Passion of the Christ plans to begin shooting a historical drama this fall about British oppression of Nazis during World War II.

“If you’ve seen my films,” Gibson said in last week’s issue of Fascist Aficionado, “You know what rotten people the British are. It’s time the world leaned the truth.”

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Humans vow to gore bulls in revenge

Posted by oldancestor on July 8, 2010

Minotaur may be called in to broker peace treaty

 

By Eric J Baker

 

This man was disfigured by a back-alley horn job. He also keeps his cat in a silver spacesuit, which is odd.

PAMPLONA, SPAIN – Calls to plastic surgeons and body-modification specialists are surging all across Spain this week as fed-up humans seek to even the score against bulls for the vicious gorings that have claimed several lives recently.

Bull attacks traditionally spike this time of year in Spain, an anomaly law-enforcement experts are at a loss to explain. Since the bovine creatures sport a deadly rack of horns on their heads, the victims are often left dead or maimed.

“I’m scared to walk outside anymore,” says 44-year-old Pamplona resident Pinky Rodriguez. “Those bulls think they own the place.”

If Spaniards have their way, the tables may soon be turned. Thousands of young adults say they plan to have synthetic horn racks mounted on their heads in the coming months. It’s not a new procedure, but doctors say they haven’t seen this volume of people electing to go under the knife (and drill, in this case) for any other type of surgery.

“I can’t keep the racks in stock,” says Dr. Esmeralda Villalobos, while her team of nurses and assistants preps yet another patient. “This one here is a popular model.”

She points to the prosthetic device sitting on the surgical table, waiting for its new owner. The white PVC poly-resin horn rack weighs only four pounds but is hard enough to withstand the force of a hydraulic press.

The patient, art history student Diego Velazquez, seems eager.

“Watch out, bulls,” he says, patting his shaved forehead. “Diego is coming to collect a debt.”

But not right away. The procedure requires the cutting away of sections of skull to create slots into which the rack (pre-molded to fit the patient’s head) is inserted. The rack is then secured with titanium screws, and the patient’s skin, muscle, and tendons are configured to grow around the base of the horns. Recovery is said to take several weeks and can be an extremely painful process. A small percentage of those who have had the procedure performed experience painful headaches that never go away.

“A lot of people think it’s worth the risk,” explains Dr. Villalobos. “Bulls suddenly aren’t so tough when they get a look at one of these rigs.”

But is that true?

Frank Ungulate, a former member of a bull gang who now advises law enforcement on bull-gang activity, says no.

“Those kids are nuts and the so-called doctors who disserve them should be arrested,” he says. “Trust me; a thousand-pound bull with a six-foot horn span isn’t going to be intimidated by some scrawny 19-year-old human with plastic twigs attached to his flimsy skull. This is only going to escalate the violence.”

A bull gangster who would only identify himself as Taury and claims to be a member of the notorious gang, The Horn Section, told the Anvil, “Them skinny human dudes is in for a rude awakening. They been trying this [expletive] for years. Man, I’m gonna gore me the next skinny dude I see with fake horns.”

Indeed, people have been getting horns installed for decades, but the procedure only became legal three years ago. Prior to the law being passed, those who wanted a rack had to visit a back-alley practitioner, often receiving a set made of wood or particle board and frequently ending up with disfiguring scars and potentially deadly infections.

“Look at me,” says Waldemar Daninsky, a Polish expatriate living in Madrid. “I’m hideous.”

Daninsky reveals the red, swollen flesh around the horn’s mounting point. His skull is uneven in places.

“They used nails. Hammered ‘em right into my skull,” he says. “Well, the good news is, I’m really good at math now. I’m going to help NASA plan the trajectory for the probe they’re sending to Europa.”

 Because the horns damaged his eyesight and obscure objects around him, Daninsky often trips or bumps into things. During our interview, he stepped in a pile of manure left behind by a stampeding gang a short time earlier.

“Man,” he says, scraping his shoe. “This is bullsh*t.”

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , | 7 Comments »

RNC Chairman Michael Steele says Clone Wars “were a war of Yoda’s choosing”

Posted by oldancestor on July 5, 2010

Unlike previous Michael Steele scandals, no strippers are involved

 

By Eric J Baker

Would the Republican National Committee fire Michael Steele and replace him with Frankenstein’s monster? Of course not. That’s a stupid question.

 WASHINGTON DC – Embattled RNC Chairman Michael Steele stirred controversy at a GOP fundraiser yesterday by claiming that Jedi Master Yoda was responsible for the “unnecessary” Clone Wars, which could have been avoided, he says, had different decisions been made.

“They were a war of Yoda’s choosing,” Steele told attendees.

His comments echo remarks he made just days ago about President Obama and the war in Afghanistan. However, while those words were roundly criticized by Republicans and Democrats alike, Steele’s view on the Clone Wars has won him support from unlikely sources.

“Yoda bashing is tantamount to blasphemy in this country, but Steele is correct this one time,” said ultra-liberal congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH). “Mr. Yoda may not have been involved in the creation of the clone army, but that didn’t stop him from using them for cannon fodder.”

The issue has quickly proved to be a divisive one for Republicans. Some conservative politicians are distancing themselves from Steele, but Senator John McCain, who only this weekend was calling for Steele’s ouster, threw his support behind the party chairman.

“My friends, I have no problems with a guy who starts necessary and easily justified wars, even if they end up lasting a hundred years” Senator McCain said on NBC’s Meet the Press yesterday, “but that one [gesturing toward a portrait of Master Yoda] basically took an army and handed it to his enemy, who used it to defeat him. It’s possibly the worst military blunder since Hitler invaded Russia.”

When reminded by host David Gregory that the Clone Wars took place thousands of years before World War II, in another galaxy, McCain said, “F*ck you!”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) broke with his colleague’s view. Appearing on Fox News’ The Sean Hannity Show last night, the Senator said, “The clone army had nothing to do with the failure of Yoda. It was having a left-wing radical like Yoda heading the Jedi Council in the first place that did it. Every citizen in that galaxy had the right to bear blasters until he came along.”

McConnell drew comparisons between Bespin and Tatooine, the latter of which never fell under imperial control. “Bespin had strict blaster-control laws and it took the Empire all of five minutes to seize power there. You think they’d try that on Tatooine? You want to take over that planet, you’d better bring a Death Star.”

Controversial Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul, who hopes to ride a wave of voter discontent into the November midterm elections, told supporters at a rally last night, “Real Americans don’t care about the political mumbo jumbo behind the Clone Wars. We know the simple truth: Those with a different skin color should never be allowed to lead others.”

He later added, “I meant because Yoda’s skin is green. Earthier tones are all right. Theoretically.”

President Obama, leaving the White House by helicopter this morning, dodged reporters’ requests for a response to Paul’s comments. Before boarding the aircraft, however, he raised an eyebrow and offered a noncommittal, “Fascinating.”

In what may be a first for Washington DC politics, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi will be joined later today by every elected woman in both houses of Congress for a bipartisan press conference on the steps of the Capitol Building. Rather than deliver a demand for Steele’s resignation, the diverse group of Republican and Democratic women is expected to issue a joint question asking, “What the hell are you guys talking about?”

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure

Posted by oldancestor on July 2, 2010

Explosion releases enough radiation to give cancer to millions

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Bioluminescent aliens from Neptune bearing a cure-all serum head for Earth (the planet Saturn is visible through the spacecraft's center window). 10 hours later, they were dead.

 SOMERSET, NJ – It looks as if instant eradication of all the world’s diseases will have to wait.

Missiles fired yesterday from the lawn of New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca struck the Neptunian flagship CE3K at an altitude of 40,000 feet, destroying it and scattering radioactive debris across the tri-state area. The extraterrestrial craft was allegedly en route to the United Nations building in New York to deliver a “miracle” cure for all disease when it was hit.

It is unknown how many aliens were on board, but they are all assumed dead.

Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca spokesperson Delores Smokescreen, speaking to reporters yesterday afternoon, attempted to justify the company’s actions by saying, “Haven’t you ever seen V? How about Godzilla vs. Monster Zero? These so-called ‘benevolent’ aliens always have a hidden agenda.”

She went on to say, “Rent Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Netflix. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Reaction in our nation’s capital was initially one of outrage and disgust.

“Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca’s actions and words are appalling,” said President Obama from the White House last night. “Trying to compare this situation to Killer Klowns from Outer Space is absurd. Those Klowns never tried to disguise their intentions.”

However, Democrats and Republicans were forced to stop criticizing the drug company when reminded they are all lackeys for multi-billion-dollar corporations like Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca and should keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.

Neptune’s ruler, Klaatu Varada Nickto, issued an interplanetary statement this morning that read, in part, “We had hoped to usher in a new era of cooperation and scientific enlightenment by offering you a serum that would forever eliminate all disease from your planet. Unfortunately, you are not ready for that and never will be. Prepare to be destroyed.”

Religious groups and political figures around the world are condemning Nickto’s words today.

Evangelicals R Us president and multimillionaire F. A. Brimstone released  his own statement that read, “These Godless heathens want to inject Satan into our veins! They’re jealous because Neptune revolves around the Earth, as does the rest of the universe.”

The statement goes on to say, “Telescopes and math are the work of the Devil and should be destroyed.”

Just before this article went to press, Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “Anything we don’t immediately understand MUST be killed without question!”

Whether or not the aliens’ cure would have worked is under debate. Doctors and medical research scientists (who’ve seen a sample of the compound and read the data) say receiving the serum would have been the most profound event in human history, while others, who have no knowledge of science or medicine, deny that claim.

So why was the craft shot down?

“There’s no profit in a miracle cure,” speculates Medical Ethicist Kyohei Yamane, whose title prompts people to wonder how he makes a living doing that.

Meanwhile, Chester Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Oklahoma, vows to keep his shotgun nearby.

“They [the aliens] can keep their wacky health juice,” he says between fits of coughing. “I’m watching the skies. Tell them Klowns they better not try to set foot, or whatever squiggly things they use, on my property or else.”

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »