Online news journal refuses to run April Fool’s Day story; “It’s disgusting.”

By Eric J Baker

Old Ancestor, editor of The Anvil

NEW JERSEY – Popular online new journal The Anvil, which is read daily by over 300 million people, sent shockwaves through the fake news industry this week when its editors declined to run a filler story about April Fool’s Day.

“Enough is enough,” said the journal’s editor-in-chief, Old Ancestor. “It’s become obligatory to publish mindless drivel every time some innocuous, phony ‘holiday’ rolls around. No more.”

Ancestor says The Anvil has always represented hard-hitting journalism, whether the subject matter is Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen, and it will not cater to the whims of political correctness.

‘This is a secular news organization,” he explains. “We don’t cover every obscure, bizarre religious holiday that comes down the pike, be it April Fool’s Day or Easter, just to please one or two druids out there.”

He adds, “Mark my words: You will not see an April Fool’s Day article in The Anvil.”

Rival fake news journal, The Avocado, has also announced it will not run an April Fool’s Day story on April first. Head writer Angry Pink Bunny says he has found a loophole in the time-space continuum that renders such a story literally impossible.

“We’re identifying the date as March 32^nd. The next day will be April 2nd,” he says. “Take that, Albert Einstein. Or whoever.”

When asked to say, “It’s disgusting,” so we would have something lurid to put in the headline, Bunny said, “It’s disgusting.”

Back at The Anvil, Ancestor says his writers are on strict orders not to write anything with the phrase “April Fool’s Day” in the headline or the article. But what if nothing newsworthy is going on that day?

“One of my writers asked that exact question,” explains Ancestor. “I said to him, ‘I don’t know. Write something existentialist.’”

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Crapple finally releases StupidPhone

By Eric J Baker

Crapple CEO Potsie Weber

NEW YORK – Consumer electronics giant Crapple announced the release of their unawaited new multi-gadget handheld device, the StupidPhone, in New York City today. Company CEO  Potsie Weber was on hand to explain the features, but he appeared to be intoxicated and forgot what they were.

“Uuuuuhhhh,” he told reporters.

The StupidPhone, which replaces the DumbPhone, carries a suggested retail price of $129.99 and, like its predecessor, doesn’t work.

News of the product’s release sent Crapple stocks tumbling even lower, setting a new NYSE record at minus eight dollars a share. Crapple shareholders, already stung by having to pay five dollars a day per share simply to hold the stock, now have to pony up three more dollars.

Investor Pinky Middleton, who owns 3000 shares of Crapple, says, “I already sold my car and my house. Now I’ll need to take a home-equity loan out on my parent’s place.”

Still, he’s not giving up hope. “I’ll hang onto my shares for another year. If they don’t pick up after that… See ya, Crapple. I’m no idiot.”

Most economists and investment analysts consider Crapple to be the worst company on the planet. Indeed, last year, Crapple executives attempted an unsuccessful bid for a hostile giveaway of the company, but no other organization was stupid enough to take it. This, despite many companies being run by crack-headed incompetents bent on losing customers, putting out inferior garbage, and ruining once-respectable reputations, according to economists.

The Crapple organization isn’t interested in all the negative talk, says CEO Weber.

“We made a mistake with the DumbPhone,” he admits. “There aren’t enough dumb people. But there are tons of stupid people. We think this product will really find its niche there.”

Most DumbPhone sales last year were attributed to Crapple’s contract with the U.S. Military, which distributes the phones to terrorists in order to annoy them.

After we gave him coffee and dunked his head in a men’s room toilet, Weber remembered some key features of the StupidPhone:

X-Ray camera

“This is a real, working x-ray machine,” he says. “You can take see-through close ups of your friends’ organs and bones over and over and over again. It’s better than 3D. No other phone does that.”

Q-Tip extension

“At the press of a button, a little Q-tip shoots out and cleans your ear while you talk. Don’t break it though. It’s not replaceable. And remember to switch ears once in a while. You don’t want the dirty one getting jealous.”

North Korean Internet

“We got the parts from our North Korean supplier,” says weber. “So it only comes with Google-North Korea. But you get a nice wallpaper of Dear Leader.”

He adds, “It’s actually the only wallpaper.”

Random dial

He explains, “Whatever number you punch in, the phone dials a random different one. It’s wacky! This feature is always engaged, so it’s always fun.”

NoPhone

“There’s actually no phone service with the StupidPhone. We forgot to add that feature. Next time.”

That’s an admittedly glaring omission, but Weber sees a silver lining.

“We have a new slogan that goes, ‘StupidPhone… we will NEVER drop a call. Guaranteed.’”

Crapple is already working on next year’s iteration, which is tentatively called Stupid@#$@!Phone. Company executives say it will be made of coffee-flavored Jell-O.

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Experts predict unprecedented weather catastrophe in next century

Also: Duke upset… What does it mean? See below.

 

By Eric J Baker

For hack artists, lightning bolts are the easiest weather phenomenon to draw

SILVER SPRING, MD – Meteorologists at the National Weather Service made a startling prediction today that, if true, will have far-reaching effects on global economic development, transportation, and modern lifestyle. Their claim?

By 2115, the world may run out of weather.

Speaking to reporters at National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) headquarters in Silver Spring, agency director Wendy Day said, “The rate at which modern humans are using weather cannot be sustained. Rain Tuesday and Wednesday, sun on Thursday, windy and cold on Friday… it’s irresponsible to say the least.”

Day also pointed out that, if people need an idea of what life would be like without weather, we need look no further than to our nearest neighbor in the sky, the moon, which is devoid of weather.

“Why do you think no one goes there anymore?” she said. “It sucks.”

Conservatives around the country rejoiced at the news.

“So I guess without weather, there’s no global warming,” Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann said in an interview that aired on Cartoon Network earlier tonight. “American colonists fought the British in Vietnam so we could be free of environmental regulations. Finally, 2000 years later, the victory is complete.”

Former Vice President Al Gore, who has devoted his energy to combating the alleged dangers of global warming in recent years, quickly called his own news conference following the NOAA prediction.

Speaking from his office in Nashville, Gore told reporters, “Global warming uses up weather faster than no global warming. You get extra weather now, no weather later. Not to be alarmist, but within 150 years, humans will be living as our cousins, the worms, do, crawling through the mud, blind and armless and legless, wallowing in our weatherless world of,” at which point everyone present drifted into a peaceful, uninterrupted sleep.

When we awoke, he was gone.

Though some scientists dispute the NOAA findings, Zeus, the king of the gods, believes the prediction has merit.

“I’ve been tossing lightning bolts at the Earth for eons,” he told The Anvil via telephone. “Every time I reached into the pile, there were always more. Until the other day, when I looked and thought, hmmm, there’s maybe only a hundred years’ worth left.”

He added, “Which is just as well, since I’m going to need rotator cuff surgery at some point from all this bolt throwing.”

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Duke upset… what does it mean?

By Eric J Baker

DURHAM, UK – Sir Percival Pantywaist, the current Duke of Fluffington in Durham County, England, was upset yesterday when he spilled grape juice on his yellow velvet breeches, staining them.

Eyewitnesses said the Duke flitted his hands like a bird and stomped on the floor while shouting, “Oh crikey! It’s beastly I tell you. Just beastly!”

The velvet clothes worn by royal subjects in England are considered expensive and hard to replace when damaged, as they are often custom made.

Sir Edmund Bollocks, an expert on public figures in Great Britain, says Sir Percival is, “a complete pillow biter, don’t you think?”

So what does the Duke’s frustration mean for the future?

“It means I’ll be feeding that wanker grape juice with an eye dropper for the next six months,” said his only housekeeper, who declined to give her name for fear of being sacked.

The 5 most popular blogs on WordPress

By Lacy Thundercake

Today's caption is free of typos AND stoicism.

Who among us doesn’t dream of becoming a blogging star? To have so many millions of adoring readers everyday that your stats page crashes? To be able to quit your job writing arts and entertainment tripe for a stupid internet news journal with a soulless monster for a boss?

[Just get on with it, will you? – ed.]

WordPress is the ideal choice for many blog-stars-in-the-making. As one of the most popular blog hosting sites, and certainly the oldest (it was invented in 1440 and originally known as PrintingPress), WordPress gives you access to millions of other people who also want to be famous bloggers. Maybe yours will be so good that everyone else quits blogging because their spirits are crushed beyond recognition. You can always hope.

So what does it take to make your dream come true? Check out the five most visited WordPress blogs below for some tips.

1. Turning Food into Poop

 Doctor William Rubin

Dr. Rubin, who lost his medical license for implanting leopard gizzards into humans to aid the digestion of red meat, has made lemons into… er, lemonade.  His blog on digestive processes informs readers of what to expect a few hours after they eat something, and he gets about 70,000 clicks per day.

“I receive all kinds of comments from terrified people who think alien creatures are escaping from their bodies,” he says. “How can you be 37 years-old and not know?”

His advice for bloggers trying to make it big?

“Overeat.”

Oh, doc! Did you have to?

2. Zeus is Love

whatwouldherculesdo

“You can’t just say you’re a Pagan. You have to live as one.”

So says the blogger who spreads the word of Zeus to 90,000 people a day throughout the blogosphere. Most posts on Zeus is Love, America’s most popular religious blog, are discussions about scripture passages from the Pagan holy book, More Gods than You Can Shake a Stick at.

“One of my favorite quotes comes from the Book of Perseus, Act 2, verse 28,” says whatwouldherculesdo. “It’s when Zeus is trying to seduce Perseus’ mother, and he says, ‘Yeah, baby!’ That’s 2800 years before Austin Powers said it. Explain that, doubters!”

Other oft-quoted passages from the Pagan holy book include “Lock up your wives and daughters. Zeus is coming and he’s got that look in his eye!” and, from the Book of Heracles, “You want me to shovel what? I’m half god, you asshat.”

3. Tastes like Chicken: Cannibal Cuisine

David Word

Some readers may be surprised that a blog featuring recipes for human flesh is so popular, until one realizes that 40,000 of 50,000 daily clicks come from uncharted regions of the Amazon jungle. Still, that’s quite a few clicks from the so-called civilized world as well.

“Part of my success comes from having just really good recipes for human meat,” Word explains. “And the other part is because I’m sleeping with the owner.”

Indeed, David’s last name is one half of WordPress. His wife, Sarah Press, is the majority shareholder.

“I’m on Freshly Pressed once a week,” he says. “And you’re not.”

4. Piranha Total Care

Bristol Palin

Pet care blogs have been popular since technology has allowed the inner narcissist in all of us a chance to shine online. Piranha Total Care, which began as one of the most obscure, is now the number one pet-themed blog on the internet.

However, many cultural experts attribute the rise in popularity of meat-eating fish web sites to the complete of absence or dogs and cats in the country since President Palin ordered them rounded up and shipped to Australia.

Who can forget the President’s State of the Union address last year, when she said, “I know your pets are looking at me! My eyes might be closed, but I can FEEL THEM LOOKING AT ME.”

We here at The Anvil fully support President Palin’s efforts to ban furry pets from our shores, and we also support her government takeover of the media and the summary executions that followed. All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.

5. Alternate Writing

JaNeT pLaNeT

There is no shortage of writing blogs on the internet dispensing tips and advice on improving prose, empowering poetry, and peeing other P-writing words. Perhaps there are too many such blogs, one blending into another and becoming so redundant that the weary wordsmith wonders, “When will one winner wipe away WordPress’ wordy wasteland?”

[Please stop – ed.]

We have that winner, folks. It’s JaNeT pLaNeT from Alternate Writing. JaNeT does not profess to know anything about writing, which she says is the key to her success.

“Look, I wouldn’t know a haiku from a hole in your face,” she says. “That’s what makes me so accessible. That and my alternate writing style. Did I mention you were ugly?”

Her alternate writing style involves nothing more than alternating upper and lower case letters. A recent blog post was called, “yOu’Ll NeVeR gEt PuBlIsHeD, bEcAuSe, WeLl, YoU sUcK.”

“It took me a while to learn how to type like this, but I don’t care,” she explains, “because people are stupid jerks and I hope they all die.”

In addition to being a successful blogger, JaNeT is a certified insult therapist and part-time dominatrix.

Her advice to struggling bloggers is, “Quit. No one wants to read your worthless drivel.”

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Legal disclaimer: The Anvil apologizes for not providing links to any of these popular blogs, but astrophysicists at Princeton University tell us that posting links into alternate realities can cause a tear in the time-space continuum that results in the instantaneous return of every lost sock since the advent of the clothes dryer.

Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan join forces to battle Gaddafi

But where’s Kong?

By Eric J Baker

 

Godzilla's Revenge: This man accepts his fate with typical Libyan stocism

TRIPOLI – Super monsters Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan launched a surprise joint attack against the forces of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi today in an apparent effort to aid pro-democracy rebels there. United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki Moon quickly condemned the monsters for acting outside the confines of international law.

“They [the monsters] have no authority to conduct an invasion of Libya,” Ban told reporters at UN headquarters in New York. “It says so on this piece of paper I’m holding.”

The arrival of the beasts in the North African country coincided with missile strikes carried out by the United States and its allies. Witnesses say Godzilla vaporized several Libyan tanks and artillery vehicles with his atomic breath, while Mothra and Rodan mostly flapped their wings, adding to the confusion.

Notably absent from the battle was the giant ape King Kong, who has professed neutrality in recent years and currently resides in Switzerland, a nation often referred to as ‘the Wisconsin of Europe’ for its cheese-making prowess.

During a televised interview today, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin called Kong, “the biggest coward since a bunch of socialists got together,” and later called for additional airstrikes against Switzerland.

The reclusive Godzilla is probably most famous for introducing the world to what historians call the Godzilla Doctrine, adding to an already overly long list of doctrines that are impossible to keep sorted.

“Well, you have the Monroe Doctrine, which is quite boring, really,” says historian Sir Edmund Bollocks. “There’s the Bush Doctrine, justifying preemptive war in cases of national security, and the Palin Doctrine, which amounts to jabbering on and on about a subject without knowledge of it. The Godzilla Doctrine basically says ‘show up unannounced and stomp the sh*t out of everything for no reason.’”

International affairs experts disagree on the motives behind the new monster alliance. Some believe the attack against Gaddafi is a reality show stunt, while others claim that Godzilla and Mothra are trying to help energize the stalled career of Rodan, who has never been able to achieve the popularity of his fellow giants.

Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake news journal, The Avocado, has a different theory.

“If I were trying to figure out what kinds of articles might draw more readers to my blog, I’d probably look on the stats page to see the search engine phrases people have used recently,” he says. “And if I noticed that every single day, without fail, someone has typed in some bizarre search term related to Godzilla, I’d probably do a Godzilla article. I might even make sure the word ‘Godzilla’ appears numerous times.”

Other fake news journals, including The Anvil, dismiss the theory as unrealistic, given that anyone with journalistic integrity would continue composing thoughtfully crafted political satire that only a few loyal people read rather than throw one bizarre topic after another out there just to see what gets the most clicks.

[Speak for yourself – ed.]

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Obama vows to continue observing (and not interfering with) earthlings’ affairs

By Eric J Baker

Election night 2008: Obama's spaceship arrives with great fanfare

WASHINGTON DC – President Sparak Obama, the first Vulcan-American ever elected president, told ABC’s Barbara Walters today that he is proud to have followed Starfleet Federation’s prime directive, which is to avoid influencing events on any planet with indigenous life, including Earth. The President, who was born here but spent part of his youth at the Vulcan Academy, says his primary responsibility as an interplanetary representative is to monitor situations.

 

“Take the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan or the civil war in Libya,” Obama told Walters. “I have been observing both situations with intellectual curiosity from a great distance.  Though, in truth, I’ve also been standing by at the ready, which is slightly bending the rules.”

 

During the half-hour interview that aired nationally on ABC affiliates at 7 p.m. eastern time this evening, the President said he strongly believes in democracy as a philosophical concept. When Walters asked if it was then tough for him to watch the rebels in Libya being crushed by dictator Muammar Gaddafi’s forces, he replied, “It certainly is an interesting addition to Earth’s historical record.”

 

Voices on all sides of the political spectrum have criticized the President at various times in his two-and-a-half years in office for his seemingly detached demeanor in the face of national and international crises. During the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico last year, which dragged on for months, Obama was roundly panned for saying, “Oil is a natural, organic material. I fail to see why its presence is so alarming.”

 

One area of public policy where the President has been more active is health care reform, with his efforts culminating in a bill last year meant to overhaul the nation’s system of dispensing medical care to its citizens. During last January’s State of the Union address, Obama said, “It is illogical to resist expanded access to health care,” in the hopes of heading off cries from conservatives that at least some aspects of the law are unconstitutional.

 

The President has also been dogged by a small but vocal group of critics who claim he was not born on this planet and are demanding proof he is actually half human. Known as the “Earther” movement, few in Washington or in the news media take them seriously, but their persistent accusations are just one more distraction for a busy leader who vowed on national TV tonight to monitor, observe, and stand by with renewed vigor entering the 2012 election season.

 

When reached for comment on this article, President Obama said, “The metaphor in your fourth paragraph, ‘voices on all sides of the political spectrum,’ does not hold up to semantic scrutiny. A spectrum, being light rather than a dimensional object or a representation of such, does not have sides.”

Surprising results of Iowa straw poll

Also: Royal violence in London (see below)

By Eric J Baker

This man is so deformed his face looks like a question mark

 

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Pollsters were shocked today when the children of Mrs. Bluebonnet’s first grade class at West Captain Kirk Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa chose straight straws over curly ones by a two-to-one margin. It had been believed that most kids preferred the curly straws.

“This throws the election landscape into total disarray,” said political analyst Paul Naschy. “It’s completely shocking. It’s also utterly unexpected. I have nothing to say, do I?”

When asked why she chose the straight straws, Emma Jellybone, age 7, said, “It takes too long to drink a milkshake with a curly one.”

Emma’s teacher, Mrs. Bluebonnet, was unwilling to say which straw she preferred but did say she thought the political analyst quoted in the second paragraph was an inarticulate buffoon.

“Did you notice the redundancy,” she said. “Have you ever heard of partial disarray? Can something be kind of shocking or a little bit unexpected? The answer is no.”

When asked to choose between Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, or any of the tall, handsome mainstream Republicans who actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting the GOP nomination in 2012, Mrs. Bluebonnet’s kids picked straws again.

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NEW BLOODSHED IN ENGLAND

LONDON – Forces loyal to Queen Elizabeth II stormed Great Britain’s Parliament building today, briefly capturing it until they were beaten back by the armies of The Usurper, Prime Minister David Cameron.

Cameron appeared on BBC shortly after the battle to reassure Brits that government was functioning normally.

“Queens are a ghastly nuisance, aren’t they?” he said.

RAF pilots later bombed Windsor castle to, in Cameron’s words, “make way for a lovely shopping commons and maybe some sort of aquarium or garden.”

BBC political analyst Sir Edward Bollocks said the queen’s attack was not a serious attempt to win back authority for the monarchy.

“She knows she can’t win,” said Bollocks. “She just wants that tart of a future granddaughter-in-law [Kate Middleton, Prince William’s fiancé] to know who has the biggest family jewels.”

When reached for comment, Middleton told us to “Bugger off.”

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Pope performs exorcism on Charlie Sheen

Demon Rick James sent back to Hell

By Lacy Thundercake       

Performing exorcism: Almost as dangerous as driving taxi

LOS ANGELES – Pope Benedict made a rare appearance in Los Angeles yesterday to perform an exorcism on actor Charlie Sheen, who was believed to have been possessed by the evil spirit of late soul singer Rick James. The ceremony, which lasted four hours and was shown live on E! and MTV, began with an agitated Sheen urinating on the floor, which surprised no one. It ended with the Pontiff requesting the apparently cured actor’s autograph for his niece.

Sheen’s recent bizarre behavior – which included naked tirades, prostitute abuse, and calling TV producers who pay him millions of dollars to make snarky comments for a half hour a week “clowns” – was sufficient evidence for entertainment scientists to declare him possessed.  

“Plus, his head was spinning and he was, like, singing, ‘superfreak, superfreak,’” says Brandi Sparkleshadow, science consultant for the celebrity gossip web site TMZ. “Or so I heard.”

Pope Benedict, a catholic, arrived at LAX yesterday morning aboard the papal jet Gabriel One and met privately – and simultaneously -with both Sheen and the demon. Legendary boxing referee Mills Lane was also present to lay ground rules for the exorcism and, in the words of one eyewitness, “to add an air of solemnity to the proceedings.”

During the bout, Benedict chanted bible verses in Latin, a language the demon of Rick James did not appear to understand. The Pontiff was forced to conduct the remainder of the session in English, an archaic version of Jive. Later, referee Lane deducted a point from James for projectile vomiting, a form of demon counterattack that was outlawed in the 1970s.

Scientists are not sure how Rick James became a demon, but some Catholics believe that, when he passed away in 2004, his body transubstantiated into Pure Funk, leaving his cocaine-addled spirit free to possess the souls of celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and former vice presidential candidate John Edwards.

Others believe that’s b*llsh*t.

Yesterday’s exorcism ended on a quiet note when the Pope shook a wet microphone at Sheen, whose body went limp. The demon spirit of Rick James quickly boarded a funkadelic starship piloted by George Clinton, which blasted off before authorities could apprehend him.

According to eyewitnesses, a groggy Sheen later said, “Wow, the last thing I remember was winning critical praise for Platoon.”

* * * * *

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The Anvil extends sympathy to the victims and survivors of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and hopes for the best as the people there begin to put their lives back together. We share one world. – OA

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Pacifist serial killers struggle to find identity

An Anvil special report

By Eric J Baker

Lesser fake news journals make "cereal" killer jokes

John Wayne Gacy.  Jeffrey Dahmer. Dick Cheney.

The mere mention of their names sends chills down the spines of most Americans. Those of us old enough to have lived through the discovery of these madmen’s heinous crimes will never forgot the horrors: Dozens of bodies shoved in the crawlspace under a house. Dismembered victims hauled out of an apartment in barrels. No-bid contracts in Iraq.

We are left to wonder… what new face will one day join the gallery of psychopaths? What crazed lunatic is still out there, eluding the authorities, ready to strike again?

But are those the questions we should be asking? Despite investigative reporters continuing to rely on clichéd phrases for awkward segues, times change. The Anvil took to the streets to discover what life is like for the postmodern serial killer, and our findings might surprise you.

“I’m conflicted,” says ‘Ned,’ a serial killer from Dallas, Texas. “I hate violence. You might call me a conscientious objector, I suppose. But, at the same time, I’m a psychotic murderer. It’s tough.”

Ned, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, says that he’s met other men at serial-killer bars who consider themselves part of a new, pacifist generation of serial murderers.

To investigate his assertion, we went to a popular dive for deranged lunatics in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio called Splatter Pete’s, where we met ‘Steve,’ a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line.

Steve told us, “I am totally a pacifist. Just because I have 20 bodies buried in my back yard doesn’t mean I’m not a gentle creature. Did you know I volunteer at a soup kitchen and build houses for Habitat for Humanity? I love people.”

Steve laments that he can’t find a way to reconcile his non-violent nature with his murdering.

“I’m what you fancy writers call a ‘paradox.’ And I wish there was something I could do about it.”

There may be hope for men like Steve. A company in Moscow, Russia called Krazee Alexi’s has started producing a line of products targeted at the pacifist serial killer market, including their flagship item, a life-sized prostitute doll that fits perfectly in the passenger seat of a pick-up truck and can be strangled over a hundred times on one nine-volt battery.  To satisfy the pacifist, every time she is “killed,” Krazee Alexi’s releases a cage full of doves and broadcasts an Art Garfunkel song on satellite radio.

With a list price of $3,999, plus international shipping, ‘Anna Karenina’  isn’t cheap, but we were able to track down at least one satisfied customer.

‘Joe,’ a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, bought one last summer and hasn’t murdered since.

“Those guys over at Krazee Alexi’s are great,” he says. “They’re coming out with a model next year that shoots rose petals when you stab it. If that’s not peace and love, I don’t know what is.”

Not all serial killers are buying into the pacifist movement, though.

“I think it’s plain, old stupid,” says Susan Blais, an evil landlady and serial murderer who owns an apartment building  in Hollywood, California. “I got bodies stacked up to the ceiling in the basement of this rat’s nest, and I’d have more, but the ceiling doesn’t go any higher.”

After taking a drag of her Cuban cigar and spitting, she adds, “I’m gonna need a bigger building.”

Don’t miss part 2 of our special report tomorrow, when her tenant, who would only identify himself as ‘James,’ complains of the smell.

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5 Myths about Life in America

By Lennie

The Kraken is a myth. Or is it?

It’s hard to believe that, in the age of instant worldwide communication and information access, so many Americans still cling to outmoded beliefs that have long been disproven by modern science. Below are the 5 most common misconceptions of our society and the real truth behind the fallacy. So, are you one of the mindless lemmings who continue to swallow and regurgitate this bunk, or are you a pioneer of analytical thought, like we in the news media? Read on, but don’t e-mail me if you are depressed about being in the first category. It’s your own fault.

***

Myth: Everyone gets 15 minutes of fame

Truth: Everyone gets 16 minutes of fame

Dr. Hans Cliché of the BF Finster Institute in Zurich identified the additional minute in 2005 by conducting a regression analysis of reality show performers’ careers and creatively-bereft writers’ resultant commentary. At the time the discovery was announced, Cliché said, “Andy Warhol used the imperial system in his equations, yet he was borrowing data derived using metric. How many lives have been lost because of this?”

Bianca Rote, who blogs about the entertainment industry, was annoyed when told about the misconception yesterday.

“Do you know how many ‘5’ keys I’ve had to replace on my keyboard in the past six years?” she asks. “Why didn’t this information get out before now?”

We tried to contact Dr. Cliché for an answer, but his 16 minutes were up.

***

Myth: There are 9 ways to Sunday

Truth: There are 8 ways to Sunday

Until engineers construct the proposed tunnel between Philadelphia and Minneapolis, we’re stuck with eight. Funding problems suggest we’ll be waiting a long time.

***

Myth: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Truth: Ongoing treatment of chronic conditions with expensive pharmaceuticals is worth more than your insurance company will pay

As long as the Chinese government continues suppressing the value of its currency in order to increase exports, ratios of cure and prevention will be in flux. At press time, 2.3 ounces of prevention was worth a pound of cure.

***

Myth: Sliced bread is a good invention

Truth: Legos are a good invention

Nothing sends more people into emergency rooms across the country every year than bread-slicing accidents. People should eat loafs of bread whole, the way they come out of the ground. Anyway, all the nutrition is in the skin.

Meanwhile, Legos are fun for children and adults and last forever.

***

Myth: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Truth: Less than eight hours of sleep makes you grumpy and more likely to have a car accident

Last week, I went to bed early and missed the end of the Academy Awards, so I didn’t know who won. Then I got up while it was still dark and hit my head on the edge of the halfway-open door because I couldn’t see it. I had to put an ice pack on my head and forgot all about going to work, so my boss docked my pay.

Do I sound wise, healthy, or wealthy?

***

How about you? What stupid things do you still believe? Leave a comment so the rest of us can mock you in public.

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