Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘quantum physics’

Abe Lincoln booted from history books!

Posted by oldancestor on September 12, 2010

By Eric J Baker


Artist’s rendering of what Abe Lincoln might look like today, if his body were injected with Evil-X Reanimating Fluid by a mad scientist

QUANTUM WASHINGTON DC – In the alternate universe yesterday, President Sarah Palin issued an executive order invalidating Abraham Lincoln’s presidency. According to Palin, Lincoln violated the Quantum US Constitution by freeing the slaves and not allowing the south to secede from the union.

Andrew Johnson will now be considered the 16th president, and banks have been ordered to turn in all pennies to the US mint so Lincoln’s image on each coin can be recut to resemble that of Johnson. Palin’s portrait will replace Lincoln’s on the five-dollar bill. Stickers bearing Palin’s likeness have already been mailed to every citizen in possession of more than five dollars.

“When Baby Jesus wrote our Constitution, he wanted that document to be totally fubu,” President Palin told Americans in a speech televised during primetime last night. “That means we can remake the government if we don’t like what our government does.”

Palin also said slavery was a state’s rights issue and that the federal government shouldn’t be permitted to impose its moral values on individuals.

“It’s like, ‘Hello, my name is Big Government, now pay me taxes and give me your personal property,’” Palin said in the speech that many are calling one of the greatest in presidential history.

“It’s her Gettysburg Address,” said TV news pundit Rex Kramer. “Except that, with Lincoln’s presidency rescinded, there was no Gettysburg Address. And it didn’t take place in Pennsylvania. So I guess it was nothing like that. Never mind. It wasn’t a great speech. Forget I said it.”

Vice President Bristol Palin, who was unable to attend the speech because she was starring in a reality show about a trashy bimbo with a mother who inexplicably draws thousands of people to her public appearances where she spews nothing but pure drivel, said, “Like, Abe Lincoln is dead to me. I’m soooo ignoring him from now on. And that beard? Ew.”

President Palin’s cabinet members, Track, Trig, Traipse, Tron, Tribble, Trash, Trinket, and Trog Palin, issued a joint statement in support of the ruling. The statement said, in part, “We believe in the absolute authority of the US Constitution, and anyone who speaks out against the President’s interpretation of it will be summarily executed.”

The statement also said, “All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.”

Not everyone approves of the President’s approach to enforcing the quantum founding fathers’ vision for America.

Barak Obama, a constitutional law professor at Harvard University, said in an interview recently, “George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich! George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich! George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich!”

Some ordinary Quantum Americans are taking a more radical approach to challenging Palin’s authority. A grassroots political movement, calling itself “The Boston Massacre” has been on the rise all across the country, largely made up of citizens opposed to the 28th Amendment, which declares President Palin to be Queen Forever.

“We fought the French in the Revolutionary War so we wouldn’t have a queen anymore,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Quantum Oklahoma and chairman of the local Boston Massacre Party chapter. “My father fought in the Battle of Woodstock in 1969 when Jimi Hendrix was killed, and damn if I’m going to let some hick from Alaska parade around like she owns the place.”

Tool says he plans to join the pastor of his local church in burning a stack of Queen albums this week as a symbolic protest.

“Fat-bottomed girls, my ass!” he says.

Unfortunately for Tool and like-minded Quantum Americans, President Palin’s policies seem secure for now. The Boston Massacre movement has been having trouble gaining traction, as its members are required to kill each other with muskets at each meeting.



Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

A round-up of the week’s most explosively super-unbelievable news stories!

Posted by oldancestor on August 5, 2010

Editorial note: It makes us sick that we have to do all this work rounding up and writing, and all you have to do is sit there clicking away without a care in the world, you lazy do nothings. Oh well. I guess someone has to write this junk. Here are your top stories of the week…

The Facts in the Case of M. Student Volunteer


BP service station takes 4 months to stop oil leak in guy’s car!


RANDOM, MN – A Minnesota man claimed this week that a BP gas station 70 miles west of Bloomington has had his 1999 Mitsubishi Gallant on a lift since April 20th, trying to repair an oil leak.

“It’s ridiculous,” says the man, 41-year-old Stanley Man’s-Laughter. “How hard is it to fix an oil leak? I’ve paid almost 6,000 dollars in car rental fees waiting for these guys.”

When reached for comment, the station’s owner, Tariq Azziz, said, “It’s hard to say how long it will take. It could be the oil pan. It could be the valve-cover gasket. Maybe the filter is loose. We just don’t know yet.”

The vehicle’s owner says he’s had enough.

“Why does this always happen to me? Nobody cares about me. I feel invisible. I want to scream ‘I AM STAN!’ at the top of my lungs. Does anyone care?”

Before we went to press, Man’s-Laughter dropped the apostrophe and hyphen from his name and went on a crazed shooting spree at the mall. Details at 11:00!


Scientists discover how to have cake and eat it too!


PRINCETON, NJ – Physicists at Princeton University have finally conquered a challenge that has daunted man for centuries: How to have your cake and eat it too.

Employing principles of Quantum Mechanics, researchers were able to ‘create’ a slice of black-forest double-strawberry cake (with whipped-cream icing) in a Dirac Wave Chamber at the exact moment the same slice of cake was being eaten by a student volunteer seated across the room.

“This is the first time something larger than a subatomic article has been able to exist in two places at once,” explains lead researcher Herbert West, who heads the Quantum Physics department at Princeton. “The doppelganger cake only existed for about a third of a second, but we’ll extend that time as we conduct more experiments. One day, you’ll be able to visit your mother-in-law and stay home to watch the game at the same time. What do you think of that?”

While that sounds enticing, it may not happen in our lifetimes. The Dirac Chamber, once switched on, causes anyone in the same room to liquefy within 15 seconds.

“Admittedly a drawback,” laughs Dr. West.

West is looking for a new student volunteer, so those who are interested should contact the university’s Physics office.


Banks finally reform into new shape: A raised middle finger


WASHINGTON, DC – Federal Reserve System engineers studying computer models have determined that the recently passed Banking Reform Law is causing the nation’s banking system to reform into a shape resembling a hand with a middle finger raised.

“We were afraid this would happen,” said an employee inside the Fed who declined to give his name. “But the numbers don’t lie. I swear I heard my computer laugh and say ‘f*ck y*u’ to me when it happened.”

In other economic news, yacht and mansion sales are brisk despite an allegedly poor consumer-confidence index, stagnant wages, and high unemployment.



Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

President McCain assassinated by Vice President Palin

Posted by oldancestor on April 27, 2010



By Eric J Baker


QUANTUM WASHINGTON – Yesterday, in the alternate universe, President John McCain was stabbed in the heart by Vice President Sarah Palin while the pair was touring the ruins of Quantum Teheran following Quantum America’s unprovoked nuclear attack. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Palin was sworn in as president within the hour by Death Squad Commander Sean Hannity, though Hannity was later beheaded by Ensign Pavol Chekov in an act of apparent usurpation.

President Palin was whisked back to the Quantum US, where she quickly executed McCain’s surviving cabinet members and shaved her pointy beard.

From the White House there, the new President promised Americans a smooth leadership transition as well as a renewed focus on job creation and energy independence.

“President McCain was a naïve old fool and he died badly for it,” said a winking Palin. “Should Americans feel good about the future? You betcha!”

Palin also demanded each American family sacrifice a goat in her honor or face “unpleasant” repercussions.

In a show of authority, Palin took a sniper rifle atop the 30-foot-high concrete security wall surrounding the White House to help repel a daring daylight attack led by liberal terrorist, revolutionary, and television pundit Keith Olbermann.

Olbermann, who survived, later claimed on his show, Countdown to Assassination, that President Palin was today’s “Worst person in the wooooorld!”

“Does he think what happened up in Iran was bad?” Palin asked in response. “The Iranis had it easy!”

It is widely believed Palin encouraged the annihilation of Quantum Iran so she’d no longer have to say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s name, a task which often left her confused and tired.

Here in our universe, Americans are often shocked at the degree of violence exhibited by our quantum counterparts, but assassinations and overthrows are considered business-as-usual there. Quantum humans also frequently start angry, ranting political movements in which people hold up logic-defying posters depicting presidents in the likeness of Hitler and carry signs covered with hysterical misspellings. Also, Quantum Republican and Democratic politicians often tell savage lies and run manipulative and deceptive advertisements, in contrast to here, where politicians only ever engage in civil and respectful debate and ordinary Americans value intelligent discourse over clueless shouting.

However, it’s a mistake to think of us as good and quantum humans as evil. For example, it is unclear whether their Sarah Palin or our Sarah Palin is the evil one.

When approached for comment on alternate Palin’s hostile takeover, quantum man-on-the-street Pinky Middleton turned wide-eyed with fear and silently shook his head in a way that suggested, “Get the hell away from me. They’ll kill me if they see me talking to you.”

Alternate universes are generally thought to be created when hot-but-strangely-creepy doctors named Juliet Burke smash a hydrogen bomb with a rock. However, a small number of scientists disagree, believing such universes have long existed and are accidentally discovered during transporter malfunctions.

How can smashing an H-bomb create an alternate universe? Quantum physicists expect to have an answer by 11 pm on May 23rd, though few people will likely be satisfied by their conclusion.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »