Transmissions from the alternate universe

World News: New evidence of Vatican cover-up!

Posted by oldancestor on April 20, 2010



By Eric J Baker


VATICAN CITY – Pedro Garcia was only five years old when it happened.

On his father’s farm, just twenty kilometers from Barcelona, little Pedro was lifting a bucket to gather milk from his favorite goat, Milky, when he noticed the bucket was too heavy. He looked inside.

“Her head!’ he cried out. “Her head!”

He wasn’t talking about his goat. The head belonged to Rosa, his father’s “cleaning lady.” Pedro’s mother, with plenty of motive and lacking an alibi, was quickly convicted of the crime.

One year later and three hundred kilometers away in Nice, France, another head was found, this one dangling from a rope inside a church bell. The bell ringer knew something had sounded funny that morning.

What do these incidents have in common?

Sister Teresa Penguinhat.

The Roman Catholic nun had arrived at Barcelona’s Our Lady of the Jesus Toast just one month before Rosa’s death and was transferred only two weeks into the murder investigation. To another convent in Nice, France.

At the seven convents in France, Spain, and Italy where the now-deceased Sister Teresa had lived, all were within twenty-five kilometers of an ax-murder case, and each killing was followed by another transfer. The victims were women between the ages of twenty and thirty, and none were churchgoers, except on Easter and sometimes Christmas Eve, if they could manage to stay awake that late.

“My mother spent the last eight years of her life in prison for a crime she did not commit,” says Pedro Garcia, now 30, while stroking his goat, Milky. “I want justice.”

Garcia, a taxidermist (Milky was his first project, and it shows), asked his local bishop for an investigation, but he says the bishop stammered, “No hablo Espanol,” and hung up on him. So he learned Italian and took his case to the Vatican, only to discover they speak Latin there, leaving him without recourse.

These days, Pedro employs guerilla tactics, prank calling the Pope at least once a week.

“I mostly just ask him why they wear those funny hats, or maybe I’ll tell him a rabbi joke,” he says with a bitter laugh. “You think they’d change the number. Did you know it’s right there in the phone book?”

When reached for comment, a Vatican spokesperson said, “It’s the gays.”

Pretty soon the Catholic Church will have more than Pedro to deal with. An international investigation carried out though a joint effort of several European police agencies has found evidence of over three hundred ax murders going back eight decades, all within a few kilometers of a convent. By some estimates, as many as ten percent of all European nuns are ax murderers, yet few have been brought to justice.

United Ax Handlers of Europe, a professional organization, plans a major protest next week in the piazza outside St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City.     

 “They have sullied our good name,” says event coordinator and local chapter president Hiram Bollocks of Durham, England. “Sometimes when I’m done chopping down a tree I’ll wander the street with my ax, covered with sweat, wearing tattered clothes, my hair tousled, bearing a wide-eyed, deranged countenance, and terrified children will tremble before me, asking, ‘Mr., you’re not a nun, are you?’”

Patchouli Johnson, a Greenpeace activist from San Francisco, CA, plans a counter protest across the piazza from the Ax Handlers.

“How do they know trees don’t feel pain?” she asks.

Still, Bollocks and Johnson can agree on one thing: Ax-murdering nuns are bad.

The disturbing trend does not seem to have crossed the Atlantic to America. Yet.

Says well-informed American Merle Handy, “The first nun that dares set foot in this country can say hello to my two friends, Smith and Wesson.”

Throughout all the controversy, Pope Benedict has remained resolute in his denial of wrongdoing. “Nuns, Shmuns,” he said in an official statement released two days ago.

 Appearing on Larry King Live last night, the Pope also said, “This is just the mainstream media, with its Protestant bias, being jealous of all our cool stuff. Check it out: I got the Sistine Chapel. I got marble sculptures. I got paintings. Gold. Silver. What do [Protestants] have? Their mother’s Corelle baking dish she forgot on Thanksgiving?”

Then he added, “Say, where is Protestant headquarters, anyway? Oh, yeah, they don’t have one. Boo-yah!”

Host Larry King responded by asking, “So, who do you like in the Stanley Cup finals this year?”

8 Responses to “World News: New evidence of Vatican cover-up!”

  1. Moosey D said

    If I laugh at this, will I go to hell?

  2. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    So when is the ax whelding nun novelty toy come out? I’m so tired of the boxing nun.

    • So, Alexandria, you think you can just drift into my life again after what you did?! A guy can only take so much… uh, wait a second. Can other people read this?

  3. Melinda said

    You are crazy… in a good way!

  4. jeanie said

    There is nothing I enjoy more than a story about axe toting nuns that contains a well placed “boo-yah”

  5. john xin said

    thank you very much for your help

  6. thank you chicken

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