THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘spaceship’

Russian Space Probe Sent to Study Pacific Ocean Lands Successfully

Posted by oldancestor on January 15, 2012

By Robotman

Russian space probe in low-earth orbit

MOSCOW – Engineers and scientists at the Russian Space Federation cheered wildly on Sunday when their $127 spacecraft, Czar Trek II, successfully smashed to pieces upon crashing into the Pacific Ocean. The impact was the culmination of years of planning, followed by a week of scrambling after the vehicle was unable to escape Earth’s orbit and head to its original destination, Mars.

“We had to go with Plan Б,” said Space Federation spokesman Dmitri Crashnikov at yesterday’s press conference. “We can’t go to Mars, so we study ocean. Anyway, Mars is boring. Ocean has lots of creatures.”

Some critics accused the Russians of cutting corners by using an old Atari game console to navigate the craft, while other critics say the new film in the Mission Impossible franchise, Ghost Protocol, is the best of the four.

Not everyone agrees.

“When was the last good movie about Mars?” asks film enthusiast and redneck Pinky Middleton, conflating two unrelated concepts from a previous paragraph. “Angry Red Planet from 1959? Meanwhile, there are tons of good movies about the Pacific Ocean, like The Abyss, and all those World War II films where we fought the Japs.”

Data from Russia’s Pacific Ocean probe is not expected to be transmitted, as the craft was obliterated on impact.

“You American are too – how do you say it – old fashioned,” says Crashnikov. “Always with boring data about rocks and more rocks. In Russia, we study splash.”

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Hey kids, why not head over to PFC to check out Why Did They Cancel the Leper Hockey Game?, my write-up of SyFy channel’s special effects reality show Face Off, which includes the usual digressions and perversions. Better yet, maybe adults should be the ones who check it out.

Posted in Science, Technology, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Punxsutawney Phil escapes Doomsday in tiny rocket

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Sayonara, Earth!

PITTSBURGH, PA – Clairvoyant groundhog Punxsutawney Phil was spotted leaving our planet in his mini-starship today, likely in anticipation of tomorrow’s apocalypse. Most credible scientists view his escape as confirmation of the May 21st doomsday prediction made by noted predictor Harold Camping, who has won many converts with his zero-for-zero accuracy record.

Startled witnesses reported seeing the famous groundhog’s tiny craft lift off this morning from the western Pennsylvania woods near Punxsutawney Phil’s hometown, ironically also called Punxsutawney.

“He must have seen his shadow… in Hell,” said local resident Otis Toole, a follower of Camping, when asked why he thought Phil decided to skip the impending Rapture.

NASA scientists are unsure where the popular rodent will go, given the lack of groundhog-friendly planets in our solar system.

Cracky McShake, a geologist with the University of Detroit Online, said he doubted the doomsday prediction for too long.

“I’m only half done building my UFO,” he says. “All I needed was to figure out how it would fly. And how to get it out of my basement without cutting a big hole in the house. Oh well.”

Professor McShake holds out hope that Jesus will take a while to judge everyone.

“They’re saying six months, on account of Jesus being somewhat of a micromanager who doesn’t like to delegate tasks to subordinates,” he explains. “I’ll just hang low, Mel-Gibson-in-The-Road-Warrior style, until my ship is done.”

He later added, “Plywood, baby!”

Punxsutawney Phil’s departure is sure to boost the ratings of tonight’s ABC television special, Dick Clark’s End of the World Rockin’ Eve, airing at 11 pm. Set to be broadcast live from Times Square in New York City, the show will feature live performances from Beyonce, Green Day, Katie Perry, Elton John, Placido Domingo, and Lady Gaga. Justin Bieber was also scheduled to appear, but advertisers feared his presence might invite an early start to Armageddon and demanded a cancellation.

Lady Gaga said she plans to dress as the Virgin Mary, including the shrink wrap, magenta panties, and a metallic bra with glow-in-the-dark nipple stars described in the Gospels.

“Jesus wouldn’t send his mother to hell, would he?” Gaga told The Anvil via telephone this afternoon. “Then again, he probably will in my case, because I’m so persecuted all the time.”

No one is sure when the apocalypse will start tomorrow or if Jesus will respect the International Date Line, thus giving Hawaiians a little extra breathing room but royally screwing Fiji. Calls to Jesus’ 24-hour-hotline, 1-88-JUDGMENT, went unanswered.

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Editorial note: This version corrects an earlier headline that wasn’t drawing enough clicks

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Posted in Science, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Aliens are stealing all the good jobs!

Posted by oldancestor on August 13, 2010

An editorial by Lennie

____________________ 

As just another one of the countless ignorant masses*, you don’t have access to information that we, the media elite, are privy to. But unlike my brethren, I don’t hide the truth. I’m just going to say it:

Aliens are stealing our jobs.

You may not like what I’m about to tell you, but it must be explained, for the future of our nation depends on it.

I just found out there are about 8 million fewer jobs today than there were three years ago, and the government doesn’t know where they went. I looked on Yahoo and a lot of people were saying “Illegal aliens are taking all the good jobs!” At first I was like, duh. There’s no law on the books that says aliens are illegal. Besides, how could we arrest them if they were? They have spaceships that fly faster than light. We have cop cars. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do that math.

Seriously, rocket scientists have more important things to do than think about obvious stuff. Like building flying cops cars maybe?

But then I read on one of the Internets that a Youtube video of an alien ship in Brazil can’t possibly be fake. Now, I’m no rocket scientist (didn’t we go over that already?), but I’m starting to see a conspiracy. You should know I’m not one of those paranoid people who believes every little conspiracy that comes along, but there are a few we know to be true:

1. An alien spacecraft is being stored at Area 51 in Loch Ness, Scotland

2. The moon landing was filmed by aliens (who else could have held the camera for Neil Peart when he stepped off the Eagle Has Landed to set foot on the moon for the first time?)

3. Michael Jackson

Factor these elements in with 8,000,000 missing jobs; millions of erudite, informed, and not-the-least-bit-wacky Yahoo users saying aliens took those jobs; and aliens that come and go as they please, and there is only one inescapable conclusion:

It would have been pretty dramatic if I started this paragraph with “Aliens are stealing our jobs,” but I did that earlier in this story, and doing it twice would make me look kind of stupid [never – Ed.].

Even the entertainment business is suffering. Lindsay Lohan was just fired from the upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. That makes the score: 8,000,001 jobs – Aliens, zero jobs – Humans.

What are these extraterrestrials doing with these jobs? There is only one inescapable conclusion:

Aliens are using our jobs for food.

Perhaps their planet has no food left and they eat jobs there. Sure, that seems weird, but stop being so close-minded and ignorant to the wonders of science. Just because we eat gummy bears and marshmallowy orange peanuts, it doesn’t mean aliens have to eat real food too.

I urge you all to write your local Secretary of Defense and demand the government spend more money to stop aliens from taking our jobs. As of right now, we have exactly one International Space Station protecting Earth from invasion.

Hi. The Earth has two sides. Any alien with half a brain (although that might be normal on their planet… keep an open mind!) will just sneak up from the other side.

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*There are 281,740,611 of you to be exact. Man, you guys are breeding like jackrabbits.

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Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

FLYING SAUCER LANDS ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN!

Posted by oldancestor on July 22, 2010

NASA chief says, “It’s not my problem.”

 

By Eric J Baker

Space Aliens from the planet Neptune

WASHINGTON DC – A major security breach occurred at the White House yesterday when a Tea Party member taking part in a demonstration removed a saucer from under his tea cup and tossed it, Frisbee style, over the wrought iron fence surrounding the presidential residence. The ceramic disk landed harmlessly in the grass about 20 feet from the gate.

Secret Service agents quickly surrounded the protestor, identified as Pinky Middleton, 28, of Burlington, Vermont, and took him into custody. He was released a few hours later without being charged.

“This is exactly the kind of socialist response we’ve come to expect from the Obama administration,” Middleton said through his lawyer today. “The guy hires a bunch of security thugs to watch his house, and we have to foot the bill. Who does he think he is, Snoop Dogg?”

Some observers in the crowd were stunned by what they saw.

“I never thought I’d see the day that a flying saucer landed on the White House lawn. Do you realize this profoundly changes everything we’ve ever believed?” asked Shko!!!!!!pklt, one of several space aliens from the planet Neptune who witnessed the event.

Indeed, a saucer has never landed on the White House lawn, though Vice President Joe Biden did drop a fork there two weeks ago, and in 1993, during the Clinton administration, a homeless man managed to shove a can of Diet Cherry Coke between two vertical fence posts before being shot to death by Secret Service agents.

Yesterday’s security slip-up was another black eye for President Obama’s security team, which had allowed uninvited guests to “crash” a state dinner back in November. Readers may remember that those so-called guests turned out to be a band of ravenous zombies who killed and ate two Senators as well as a diplomat from India.

Transformers director Michael Bay, in town this week to scout locations for his upcoming remake of My Dinner with Andre, to be called MD/A3D, was in the White House at the time of the saucer-throwing incident.

“I’m glad it turned out to be a harmless plate,” he said, “but it’s scary to think of the possibilities. What if it had only looked like a saucer, but was actually a transforming robot that snuck into the White House and… Oooh. Wait a minute. That’s good. That’s real good. You got a pen?”

NASA engineers are currently analyzing the saucer and admit to being perplexed.

“I’m not sure what to make of it,” says Molecular Discombobulation Specialist Roopvani Parkesh. “It’s called a saucer but doesn’t appear to dispense sauce. We even tried using ‘sauce’ as a verb, and still nothing. Why is it called a saucer?”

DC Metro police and the FBI are seeking the matching tea cup, which Mr. Middleton claims to have misplaced, in the hopes that some connection can be found between the two objects.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure

Posted by oldancestor on July 2, 2010

Explosion releases enough radiation to give cancer to millions

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Bioluminescent aliens from Neptune bearing a cure-all serum head for Earth (the planet Saturn is visible through the spacecraft's center window). 10 hours later, they were dead.

 SOMERSET, NJ – It looks as if instant eradication of all the world’s diseases will have to wait.

Missiles fired yesterday from the lawn of New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca struck the Neptunian flagship CE3K at an altitude of 40,000 feet, destroying it and scattering radioactive debris across the tri-state area. The extraterrestrial craft was allegedly en route to the United Nations building in New York to deliver a “miracle” cure for all disease when it was hit.

It is unknown how many aliens were on board, but they are all assumed dead.

Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca spokesperson Delores Smokescreen, speaking to reporters yesterday afternoon, attempted to justify the company’s actions by saying, “Haven’t you ever seen V? How about Godzilla vs. Monster Zero? These so-called ‘benevolent’ aliens always have a hidden agenda.”

She went on to say, “Rent Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Netflix. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Reaction in our nation’s capital was initially one of outrage and disgust.

“Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca’s actions and words are appalling,” said President Obama from the White House last night. “Trying to compare this situation to Killer Klowns from Outer Space is absurd. Those Klowns never tried to disguise their intentions.”

However, Democrats and Republicans were forced to stop criticizing the drug company when reminded they are all lackeys for multi-billion-dollar corporations like Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca and should keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.

Neptune’s ruler, Klaatu Varada Nickto, issued an interplanetary statement this morning that read, in part, “We had hoped to usher in a new era of cooperation and scientific enlightenment by offering you a serum that would forever eliminate all disease from your planet. Unfortunately, you are not ready for that and never will be. Prepare to be destroyed.”

Religious groups and political figures around the world are condemning Nickto’s words today.

Evangelicals R Us president and multimillionaire F. A. Brimstone released  his own statement that read, “These Godless heathens want to inject Satan into our veins! They’re jealous because Neptune revolves around the Earth, as does the rest of the universe.”

The statement goes on to say, “Telescopes and math are the work of the Devil and should be destroyed.”

Just before this article went to press, Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “Anything we don’t immediately understand MUST be killed without question!”

Whether or not the aliens’ cure would have worked is under debate. Doctors and medical research scientists (who’ve seen a sample of the compound and read the data) say receiving the serum would have been the most profound event in human history, while others, who have no knowledge of science or medicine, deny that claim.

So why was the craft shot down?

“There’s no profit in a miracle cure,” speculates Medical Ethicist Kyohei Yamane, whose title prompts people to wonder how he makes a living doing that.

Meanwhile, Chester Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Oklahoma, vows to keep his shotgun nearby.

“They [the aliens] can keep their wacky health juice,” he says between fits of coughing. “I’m watching the skies. Tell them Klowns they better not try to set foot, or whatever squiggly things they use, on my property or else.”

[No registration required for comments, and you won’t be harmed

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

News round-up: Maybe if you’d been paying attention, we wouldn’t have to write this!

Posted by oldancestor on June 2, 2010

Rogue astronauts steal space shuttle Atlantis

 

This satellite image shows police space cruisers chasing down the stolen shuttle. At the bottom of the frame, Starsky and Hutch are seen joining the pursuit.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – NASA suffered yet another embarrassment this weekend when outlaws made off with the space shuttle Atlantis in a bold nighttime theft. The craft, having just returned from its supposed final voyage, was left outside the hanger overnight, and when employees arrived for work on Saturday, it was gone.

“It’s a simple explanation,” said NASA spokesperson Clint Howard. “Apparently the pilot left the keys on the dashboard and the door unlocked. We’re reviewing security procedures to make sure nothing like this happens again.”

Fortunately for the taxpayer-funded agency, the thieves were later apprehended en route to the moon, where it is believed they planned to hide out in a secret cave. The pursuit and capture mission was conducted as a joint operation between the FBI and the Houston, Texas police department. Officials say the shuttle, which was impounded, will be returned to its hanger in Florida after law-enforcement authorities complete their investigation.

“We’re just glad no one was hurt,” said Howard, almost as if he meant it.

The incident is the latest in a series of blunders committed by the once-respected space agency.

Two weeks ago, NASA officials unveiled design plans for a new type of shuttle called Novolar, only to discover the name translates into Spanish as “No Fly.” And in February, a tape surfaced on the internet that appeared to show the space agency and porn actress Ragina Groinacre engaging in multiple rocket launches.

Sarah Palin builds fence around her house to keep out “Fake America”

 

WASILLA, AK – Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin had a fence installed around her property this week to prevent the encroachment of what she called “Fake America” onto her property.

The fence, 300-yards long if configured in a straight line, is a considerably scaled-down version of the one she proposed during the 2008 presidential campaign, when she ran for vice president on the losing GOP ticket. At the time, she called for the southern half of Virginia to be walled off from the north, with the fence eventually to be extended along the western border of Maryland, through the middle of Pennsylvania, and upward to Michigan, effectively cutting off the northeastern United States from the rest of the country.

Most fake Americans are thought to live in this region.

When questioned about the modification to her plan, Palin said, “With so many ordinary, real Americans like me struggling to make ends meet, I thought it wouldn’t be right to spend all that money on a big fence.”

She went on to say, “Fake America still knows where it is.”

Fake Americans are believed to read newspapers, care about their country too, and disagree with Sarah Palin.

Iraqi politician says he “misspoke” about having been a suicide bomber

 

BAGHDAD – In an incident that recalls Senate candidate Dick Blumenthal’s false claim of having fought in the Vietnam War, an Iraqi man running for mayor of Baghdad admitted this week he was not a former suicide bomber, contrary to what he’d stated numerous times on the campaign trail.

Tariq Al-Hassan, the candidate from the conservative “Death to Infidels” party, was at the grand opening of a Target superstore in the Sadr City neighborhood of Baghdad when a reporter asked, “If you had been a suicide bomber, wouldn’t you be dead right now?”

An embarrassed Al-Hassan tried to have the reporter beheaded, but the damage was already done. Faced with a firestorm of criticism and plunging poll numbers, the politician released a statement yesterday that read, “I apologize for having misspoken about my past recently. A member of my staff discovered I was not a suicide bomber but rather an auditor for Saddam Central Bank. I’ve had my campaign manager killed to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Al-Hassan had been the favorite going into next month’s election against his rival, Sinbad the Sailor.      

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Obama’s new jobs plan: Unemployed to be frozen, thawed when economy improves

Posted by oldancestor on May 6, 2010

ELITE FEW TO BE SENT INTO SPACE INSIDE HOLLOWED ASTEROID

 

By Eric J Baker

 

NASA astronauts prepare to turn asteroid into Space Ark

WASHINGTON – At a White House press briefing this morning, President Obama announced a new plan to help out-of-work Americans get by until the economy improves: He’s calling for the unemployed to be cryogenically frozen and awakened only when suitable jobs become available. The program will be run on a first-frozen/first-thawed basis and is expected to be paid for with leftover TARP funds.

“Thanks to advances in science,” the President said, “Americans now have more job flexibility than ever before.”

The Department of Labor (DOL) estimates most people will only be ‘on ice’ for six months to two years. According to DOL spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel, “Many of you won’t even miss the Super Bowl.” Though, she later added, “People should probably set their DVR just in case.”

Those formerly employed in manufacturing and technology jobs that have been outsourced to Asia face the longest freeze times. Economists expect such individuals will be activated around 2085, when the US is due to become a third-world country and India and China have to outsource those jobs back here.

The President’s announcement was met with immediate backlash.

“Why don’t they freeze up all them Meskins that’s takin’ the good jobs?” asked Skeeter Bandy, 37, at a political rally for arch-conservative radio host and congressional candidate Jock Bloat. “And you might as well do all the faygs while yer at it.”

“I find Mr. Bandy’s comments reprehensible,” said candidate Bloat as he accepted Mr. Bandy’s campaign donation. “I want all the Mexicans and gays to know I value their vote as well, even if God hates them.”

It could not be independently confirmed if Bloat is authorized to speak on behalf of a deity.

The technology of cryogenics has come a long way in the past three hundred years. The original chambers were about the size of a bus and featured glass lids. Early experiments often met with tragedy, as chambers were placed in caves and frequently destroyed by falling stalactites. Also, with cave temperatures not nearly cold enough to freeze a human being, those participants who weren’t killed often suffered from extreme boredom.

Today’s unemployed Americans can look forward to much more streamlined, comfortable units.

“You just press the green button,” said scientist and designer Ron Popeil, demonstrating the pill-shaped device to reporters, who cheered. “As soon as you hear a ‘thwunk’ the person is frozen. To thaw, just press it again!”

Recently revived businessman Walter Disney had nothing but positive things to say.

“Never felt better,” he said before commencing his stoutness exercises.

A second phase of Obama’s plan, which some feel was added to win Republican support in Congress, involves the hollowing of an asteroid to make room for thousands of cryogenic chambers. The massive rock will then be outfitted with ion engines and launched into deep space in the hopes that its onboard ‘sleepers’ can find jobs on another planet.

As practical and plausible as this project may seem, there is a problem.

“We have plenty of money to buy all the freezing chambers and prepare the asteroid,” says NASA engineer Roopvhan Arpawashowani, “but we have no one to do the work. It’s a shame, because it’s easy and pays well.”

Even earthbound cryogenics programs are hitting a snag: A shortage of workers to build and operate the equipment.

“Sometimes there’s just no answer,” admits Arpawashowani.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

New controvery over NASA’s canceled Mars trip

Posted by oldancestor on April 19, 2010

NASA BUDGET CUTS WILL FORCE MARTIANS TO COME HERE INSTEAD

 

By Eric J Baker

 

HOUSTON – The Obama administration’s recently announced plan to cancel NASA’s return-to-Mars program has put the once-proud space agency in an embarrassing position. Just three years after then-President George W. Bush promised, with great fanfare, that America would land on Mars within a few decades, NASA officials were forced to contact their Martian counterparts and request they land here instead.

“I’m red-faced,” said NASA’s red-faced program director, Jett Rockett. “I sincerely hope the President will reconsider his plan.”

Speaking through a universal translator, Martian Supreme Leader Brian Highwycomb-Miller offered a terse response. “I see red-faced cliffs, mountains, and rocks everyday. Now I have to foot the bill for a four-month trip to Earth to see red-faced humans? Is that what abject humiliation looks like on your planet? Cuz it should.”

He later added, “I feel like I’ve been asked on a date only to discover I’m expected to pay for both dinner and the movie.”

On Mars, women traditionally pay for dinner.

The diplomatic snag is unlikely to improve already tense relations between the two planets. Many Americans still haven’t forgiven the Martians for their attempted invasion of October, 1938, often referred to in popular literature as “the Red Scare,” which began in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey and soon spread across the continent. The attack failed when Martian soldiers became sickened by an airborne virus, leading the Martian military to accuse Earth of engaging in germ warfare, a claim the US government denies to this day.

In the 1970s, controversy erupted anew when NASA’s Mars-exploration spacecraft, known as the Viking Lander, crashed into a Martian residence, killing two.

More recently, NASA’s twin Mars rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, were arrested and held in a Martian jail for two weeks on charges of spying. They were released only after civil rights activist and former presidential candidate Reverend Jesse Jackson was able to negotiate a deal with the Martian Defense Ministry.

While this latest incident plays out between the White House, NASA, and Martian dignitaries, average Americans offer differing opinions.

“Jobs,” says Lu Chaching, a part-time retail cashier. “It’s hard enough to get full-time work with illegal immigrants taking all the jobs, and now the Martians are coming. With their four arms, they can run a register, bag products, and swipe credit cards at the same time. I’ll be out of work.”

Dianne Horseface, a regular customer of Chaching’s, was more welcoming of the news. “Who the hell wants to go to Mars?” she asked. “I mean really. It’s a bunch of friggin’ rocks.”

Angry, irrational ranter Pinky Middleton, speaking all in caps, said, “IT’S JUST ONE MORE PIECE OF OBAMA’S SOCIALIST AGENDA!!!!!!!! YOU IDIOTS!!!!!”

Though none would speak on record, some NASA employees and White House staffers believe Obama’s cancellation of the Mars program is meant to free up money for a return to Venus, which is much closer to Earth than the red planet, and, considering fuel prices, far less expensive to visit. The President may be courting controversy by doing so, however, as Venusians contributed heavily to his 2008 election campaign. Critics could accuse him of using his executive authority to pay back political favors.

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