ROMNEY DEFEATS OBAMA!

by Lennie

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

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Jan Brewer set to play “Leatherface” in Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot

By Lacy Thundercake

“Don’t make me cut you!” says Brewer, rehearsing her lines. Or not.

LOS ANGELES – In a shocking move, film studio Lionsgate has cast fiery Arizona governor Jan Brewer as the chainsaw-wielding maniac “Leatherface” in the upcoming horror reboot, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is the first time a woman has played the iconic role in any of the five films in the series, dating back to 1974.

“We couldn’t be more proud of the governor,” said Brewer’s spokesperson Lefty Enright at this afternoon’s press conference to announce the casting. “The way she has hacked away at civil rights for Hispanic people and eviscerated the idea of health benefits for same-sex couples proves that she knows how to lash out in a clumsy, brutal fashion, just like a crazed killer who skins people alive and makes clothes out of them.”

Enright denies that Brewer was chosen for the part because of her weather-beaten, craggy appearance.

“What’s a sister gonna do? She lives in the desert.”

The film’s director, Pinky Middleton, said he chose the governor because he is a supporter of women’s rights and wanted to make a statement.

“Janice has proven that a woman can be just as nasty and hateful as a man. I hope, by giving her this role, I can shift the landscape of our society’s perceptions in a way that only art can.”

He also said, “I can’t wait to see her cut a dumb teenager in half.”

In other governor-related film-casting news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has recently signed on to play the part of a bitter, angry, emotionally stunted man who is shouts people down and calls them idiots when they ask him questions he dislikes. Until his rage boils over and pushes his blood pressure into the red, causing a heart attack.

Set in 2013, the film is tentatively being called, “The Chris Christie Story.”

Document Proves President WAS Born in Kenya

 

Africa: Illegal president factory?

By Lacy Thundercake

NAIROBI – An exclusive document obtained by The Anvil today proves that Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki was indeed born in the African nation he leads. Skeptics have long claimed that he is actually a rich, white businessman from the United States who exploited his family’s political connections to win office.

The mysterious document, known in media circles as “The Wikipedia Page,” not only identifies Kibaki’s birthplace as Gatuyaini, Kenya, it also provides paragraph after paragraph of information that is too boring to read. A photograph attached to the document, dated 2003, shows Kibaki meeting then U.S. President George W. Bush outside the White House, fueling speculation that, while Kibaki may not have been born in the United States, he has visited.

Some conspiracy theorists claim that the photograph was actually taken on the moon, where a mock-up of the White House exists for exactly these kinds of photo opportunities.

“NASA carts world leaders to the moon all the time,” says Pinky Middleton, founder of Luna-tix, a group demanding that the aerospace agency make moon-trip tickets available to the civilian public. “I don’t think my taxes should pay for government things if I don’t directly get nothing out of it.”

Middleton says he is using this year’s tax refund to turn his trailer into a moon rocket. “Next time Obama is up there shaking hands with some Swedish dude or whatever, I’m going to drop right in between them and moon everybody. Ha ha. Moon. I didn’t even get that ‘til just now.”

President Obama himself has been dogged by questions about his biological origins since he took office over three years ago, particularly since his mitochondrial DNA was traced back to southeastern Africa 200,000 years ago.

When reached by phone at his home office in Washington, D.C., President Obama told The Anvil, “Look. All modern humans’ mtDNA can be traced back to Africa 200,000 years ago. So, you know, every president we’ve ever had came from Africa.”

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus responded to the President’s assertion by stating, “If we believed in evolution, we’d be mighty upset right now.”

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Mitt Romney in a Landslide

Romney, just hours before disaster struck.

 

By Lacy Thundercake

JAKARTA – Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney narrowly escaped injury in Indonesia today when heavy rains caused a landslide that washed away part of a village where he was campaigning.

The working-class, blue-collar politician was in Southeast Asia, where he owns several small countries, to drum up support for his candidacy. Thousands of locals had braved inclement weather to cheer on Michigan-born Romney, unaware the very ground they stood on was about to vanish.

“I keep telling people I have support in the south, and this proves it,” said a smiling Romney just moments after the landslide occurred.

400 people were killed in the disaster.

In other election news, never-say-die GOP hopeful Rick Santorum planted himself in a flower pot today.

“What’s good for plants is good for people,” said Santorum as campaign volunteers buried him up to his chest in black potting soil.

The politician drew attention earlier this week when he told attendees at an energy summit in Mississippi that carbon dioxide was not harmful to the atmosphere. “Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is,” Santorum is quoted as saying.*

Phone messages from The Anvil left at Santorum’s campaign headquarters offering to put the former Pennsylvania senator in a room with nothing but carbon dioxide to breathe for 10 hours were not returned.

When asked by reporters at the potting ceremony if he had blood or chlorophyll in his veins, Santorum said, “Chlorophyll is junk science.”

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 * If you think I made that up, you’re wrong. You can read the quote right here.

God sues Rick Santorum for defamation

The Plaintiff

 

By Lacy Thundercake

FAIRFAX, VA – God, the reclusive eccentric credited by some for creating the universe, filed suit against GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum in Virginia today, citing defamation of character.

David Leibowitz, the attorney representing God, told reporters at the Fairfax County courthouse this afternoon, “Mr. Santorum continues to tell people what God wants and doesn’t want, despite several lightning bolts striking near his campaign bus as a friendly warning. We wish to make it clear to voters: God has not endorsed Rick Santorum or any other candidate. He’s a registered independent.”

As former Pennsylvania senator Santorum continues to garner national attention in the Republican primary race, several controversial statements he made in the past have emerged, including a comment that President Obama’s agenda is based on a “phony theology,” and, more recently, that there is no such thing as a liberal Christian.

In response to the lawsuit, Santorum’s campaign spokesperson Damien Thorn told Fox News, “Only the Senator speaks God’s word and knows his will. Come on, who are you going to believe, some bearded old hermit or the man who stood up for conservative family values in Pennsylvania for two terms?”

Thorn dismissed criticisms that Santorum is too focused on religion to serve in a secular government, saying, “The phrase ‘separation of church and state’ appears nowhere in the Constitution.”

When reached by phone at his toy factory near the North Pole, God told The Anvil, “You know what else doesn’t appear in the Constitution? The words ‘God,’ ‘Jesus,’ or ‘Christian.’ In other words, if I’d wanted America to be a theocracy, I’d have put the Taliban there, not Thomas Jefferson.”

God also said, “Eh, it wasn’t a problem,” in answering how he was able to file suit on the weekend when the courts are closed.

Santorum has made other controversial statements about religion in the past. In a speech before a Catholic university in 2008, he claimed that Satan was targeting America, though he did not specify the nature of the looming attack.   

When asked for specifics about Satan’s plan this afternoon, Santorum’s spokesperson turned red; sprouted horns, cloven feet, and a pointed tail; and said, without moving his lips, “In time you will know. Muahahahahahaha!”

It was not immediately clear what he meant.

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Dearest Anvil readers, I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. That’s right… I’ve joined the crowd and created my own writing blog. I wanted a central place from which to link all my stories, fake news articles, and PFC columns. It’s pretty sparse yet, but there’s more to come.

Click here to check it out.

Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Colonel Klink promises free colorectal exams for all

Des Moines, IA – GOP presidential hopeful Colonel Klink has topped our most recent election poll, largely on the strength of his nein, nein, nein tax plan, which, roughly translated, means, “No, no, no” new taxes. He led Newt Gingrich 22 percent to 18 percent in the survey of likely Republican voters conducted yesterday.

 

Klink was campaigning in Des Moines last night, where he told supporters he stands for “freedom, accountability, and competence in government.” He also said that if he does not win the upcoming Iowa caucuses, he has a panzer tank division standing by to take the state by force. 

 

Fellow GOP candidate Gingrich, in trying to fend off attacks from his rival, got himself into trouble Friday by comparing Klink’s campaign ads to Nazi propaganda and by referring to Klink himself as “Herr Commandant.”

 

When asked for a response to Gingrich’s comments, Klink said, “It’s pretty bad taste to imply someone is a Nazi. You just don’t do it. I assume he was joking, but there’s nothing funny about that period in history.”

 

He added, “For example, imagine if someone produced a TV sitcom set in a German prison camp in World War II. There’s no way that would be funny.”

 

Klink has thus far managed to avoid the scandals and controversies that have dogged other candidates and, in Herman Cain’s case, forced a withdrawal from the race. Despite having been born in Germany and, thus, being ineligible for the presidency, Klink has not faced any challenges from the so-called “birther” movement.

 

When The Anvil contacted the local chapter of the Flat-Birth Society to find out why they have not demanded that Klink’s birth records be made public, as they did with President Obama, the office’s spokesman Pinky Middleton said, “Because he’s white.”

 

Klink said he will no longer answer questions unrelated to domestic and foreign policy and referred all such inquiries to his campaign staff. In response to questions about Klink’s place of birth, opinions on TV sitcoms, and secret Nazi past, the candidate’s spokesman Sergeant Schultz told reporters today, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”  

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Obama in trouble for eating Cracker Jacks

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Classic snack... or yet another attempt by the black power elite to oppress the white man?

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama drew criticism from conservatives today when it was revealed that he had eaten the popular anti-Caucasian snack “Cracker Jacks” as recently as 1997. Several Republican presidential candidates were quick to pounce on the alleged racist act.

“I think it’s appalling that, in this day and age, a public figure can act like we’re still living in the 19^th century,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry from his family’s hunting ranch, Niggerhead. “It’s hypocrisy.”

Fellow candidate, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann, appeared to agree. “It’s the typical hip-hop we’ve come to expect from this President. President Obama is a hip-hop artist.”

When asked what he thought of the President’s apparent act of white-bashing, GOP presidential hopeful Chris Christie said, “For the hundredth f***ing time, I’m not running for president,” further fueling media speculation that the New Jersey governor was about to jump into the race.

Obama, who is black, has not issued a statement on the controversy, but Vice President Joe Biden was willing to go on the record as saying he was tired of race baiting from the right.

“Look, folks, the President isn’t a racist,” Biden said on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews this afternoon. “He just likes the little prize on the bottom. Nothing wrong with that.”

Biden said he also eats Cracker Jacks, often pretending he’s Godzilla and that the popcorn pieces are “little white people’s deformed heads.”

Cracker Jacks, which consist of popcorn, peanuts, caramel, and African-American rage, were invented and marketed by the Black Panthers in the early ‘70s in the hopes of funding a race war that would overthrow whitey, according to conservative pundit Glenn Beck.

On his Web show, GBTV, Beck said, “These things were originally supposed to be called, ‘Rise Up and Kill Honky Puffs,’ but it wouldn’t fit on the box.”

Other racist foods include white chocolate, Oreos, and chicken eggs, which come in white and brown.

“I picture white and black people cracking those eggs on the sides of mixing bowls in anger,” said Beck, wiping tears away with his sleeve. “It’s like a little race war, right there on your kitchen counter. I wish we could move past the hatred.”

Phone messages left at the White House requesting information on the President’s egg color preference were not returned.

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Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Michele Bachmann

WASHINGTON DC – Minnesota congresswoman and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann admitted to reporters today that she is the indeed the notorious serial killer “Tea Bag Tom,” who has been terrorizing residents of eight northern states for over two years. Earlier in the week, Bachmann confirmed she was recently possessed by the spirit of executed murderer John Wayne Gacy, which could be the motive behind the killing spree.

“I envision an America where personal responsibility means something,” Bachmann said just after her confession. “That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to step up and take personal responsibility for my murders.”

Since March of 2009, 20 bodies have been found across a region stretching from Montana to Illinois. Though no obvious signs of trauma were evident on the victims’ corpses, police say their faces were all frozen in a look of terror that could only be caused by hearing the phrase, “President Michele Bachmann.” Reporters began calling the then-unidentified killer “Tea Bag Tom” when all the letters on their keyboards besides a, b, e, g, m, o, and t stopped working.

“We also tried ‘A Gate Tomb’ and ‘Eat Mat Bog,’ but they just didn’t have that ‘serial killer’ ring to them,” says Pinky Middleton, an investigative reporter for the Fargo Atlantic Press in North Dakota. “Plus, the killer signed the bodies with ‘Tom was here’ and stuffed tea bags in the victims mouths, which made the decision a bit easier.”

Political pundits are divided on how the murder confession will affect Bachmann’s presidential ambitions. Sean Hannity of Fox News told his viewers today, “Who cares? The victims were all prostitutes and liberals, which is the same thing anyway. She was doing the world a favor.”

Indeed, Bachmann says, “I support freedom for all Americans who are Christian conservative white people. My so-called ‘victims’ were freedom thieves, darn it.”

Not everyone agrees that Bachmann will emerge with her election hopes intact. Keith Olbermann of Current TV, whose name also ends in ‘mann’ but starts with ‘Olber,’ told his viewer today, “I’d say she’ll burn in hell for this, but we liberals are all secretly atheists anyway, and we don’t believe in that shiznit.”

Controversial commentator Glenn Beck weighed in on the issue this evening by telling his radio listeners that Michele Bachmann is a great American. He also said President Obama is putting nano-bots into the nation’s water supply that will take over our minds and make us beat up old ladies while voting for bigger government. He also cried and advised his listeners to buy Glenn Beck brand filtered water, which is “99.9 percent nano-bot free.”  

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Hi there, Anvil readers. Words below the asterisk can only mean one thing: I’m hyping my new Pure Film Creative post entitled “The underage-sex reverse Richter scale.” In it I talk movies, art, and perversion. Artful nudity warning, but, unless you are super uptight, I doubt you’ll be offended. Click here for the story.

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Hillary Clinton e-mails picture of her clint

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Exclusive: Hillary's shocking Twitter pic

WASHINGTON DC – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted today to e-mailing a picture of her pet turtle, Clint, to at least six of her Twitter followers recently.

“My Clint is cute as a button,” Clinton told reporters today. “I wanted people to see it.”

The turtle is so named, says the doting pet owner, for its alleged resemblance to Academy Award ™ winning actor and director Clint Eastwood, and not because of her last name. The likeness between the star and Clinton’s reptile could not be independently confirmed at press time.

Among Clinton’s Twitter followers is New York Democratic Congressman and popular underwear model Anthony Weiner, who made headlines himself recently for his own controversial e-mails. He says he understands what Clinton is going through.

“I sent pictures of my Weiner to people,” the congressman told The Anvil via telephone today. “And some folks were a little upset. But I thought it was adorable and the chicks dig it.”

Weiner is Weiner’s pet snake.

Oxford University professor and expert on reptile photographs Sir Edmund Bollocks said people are uncomfortable with turtle pictures because the animals live so long.

“Turtles are like little, shelled, soul-stealing monsters,” says Bollocks. “We mammals wither and age and lose control of our bowels, yet turtles just live and live and live like they own the place. If they ever learn to talk, they’ll be quite in demand. ‘Of course I knew Churchill,’ and so forth.”

Clinton said she’s not sorry about sending the picture.

“People are always shouting, ‘show us your… cat,’” she explains. “Cats are fine, but turtles need attention too.”

No word on whether Newt Gingrich plans to email photos of his pet amphibian or Dick Durbin intends to distribute pictures of his next campaign poster.

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Two black men spotted at White House in possible break-in

By Eric J Baker

This image from a grainy security video shows the alleged burglar

WASHINGTON DC – Two unidentified African-American men were spotted on White House grounds yesterday during a poetry and spoken-word event hosted by first lady Michelle Obama. One of the intruders was described as tall and thin, with short hair and good posture, and wearing an expensive suit. The other was said to be handsome, in a bohemian rapper/poet sort of way, and both appeared to be between 40 and 50 years old.

 DC law enforcement officials are treating the incident as an attempted burglary.

The presence of the men seemed to go unnoticed until a tipster phoned local police. Authorities have not released the name of the good samaritan, but insiders speaking on condition of anonymity identify him as S. Hannity of F. News. A review of local phone directories did not turn up additional information about the caller.

White House officials would not confirm the break-in attempt and say that nothing appears to have been stolen. Video footage of the poetry event shows the suit-wearing burglar being trailed by secret service agents, who likely prevented the theft of government property.

Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, speaking at a nearby conference for women married to former secessionists, praised the actions of police and White House security.

“Thanks to the swift actions of law enforcement officers,” said Palin, “the icky people were chased away.”

Anyone with tips on the whereabouts of the alleged criminals should call 1-800-Welcome to the 21^st Century.

 

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The Anvil wishes to apologize for today’s clear left-wing media bias disguised as satire. It will probably happen again.

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