THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Obamas spend Memorial Day weekend at Jersey shore; Pres punches Snookie in face

Posted by oldancestor on June 1, 2010

DON KING CALLS FOR STEEL-CAGE REMATCH

 

By Eric J Baker

 

President Obama's mugshot, taken by police in Seaside Heights, NJ. He was later released without being charged.

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ – President Obama, hoping for a weekend respite from criticism over his handling of the Gulf oil spill, suddenly finds himself embroiled in yet another controversy.

While vacationing with his family at the New Jersey shore this Saturday, the President got into an altercation at a bar that ended with him landing a straight right to the chin of reality TV star Snookie, knocking her unconscious.

Witnesses quote Obama as boasting, “I may be skinny, but I’m tough,” as he leaned over the dazed 22-year-old.

Footage captured by an MTV camera crew shows the President and first lady Michele Obama entering the Tiki Tavern, a night club in Seaside Heights, NJ, around 10 p.m. to order drinks. A short time later, Snookie’s reality TV co-star The Situation is seen approaching Mrs. Obama. The President then steps between them, and a shoving match ensues. Near the end of the dark, grainy video, Snookie appears to reach for the first lady, at which point a punch is thrown by the President.

Witnesses say bouncers quickly stepped in to prevent further violence, and the four brawlers were taken into police custody.

President Obama was photographed and booked by local authorities, but, after discussions between the arresting officers and former president Bill Clinton, a frenemy of the current administration, Obama was released without being charged.

Criticism from conservatives came swiftly as news of the fistfight spread.

“It’s typical Chicago-style politics,” said a disgusted Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, cable television’s most watched news channel. “Come ahhhn!”

Fellow Fox pundit Glenn Beck, known for his measured, thoughtful analysis, became emotional when reviewing the footage of the scrap on his program. “Folks,” he said, fighting back tears, “this president might as well have been punching the Constitution.”

Obama has yet to release a statement, though White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs did tell reporters the President was simply defending his lady, like any decent man would.

“F***ing ‘A’ right,” echoed Vice President Joe Biden, who served as acting president for two hours while Obama awaited release from custody.

Witnesses say both Snookie and The Situation were high on zepolies and oversized pizza slices, which, if true, might lend credence to Secretary Gibbs’ assertion that the President acted in self defense.

Another issue has arisen today that could prove embarrassing for the White House: Just where were the Secret Service agents who are tasked with ensuring the President’s safety at all times?

“I didn’t see no bodyguards,” says Pinky Middleton, 53, manager of the bar where the incident occurred. “But hey! This is the Jersey shore. Anything can happen. You know what I mean? Fugettaboutit.”

He went on to say, “Next time you’re in Seaside, come to the Tiki Tavern, where ladies drink for half price every Monday and Tuesday through Labor Day.”

An unnamed reporter interviewing Mr. Middleton agreed to print the comment in exchange for a free pitcher of Long Island iced tea and a plate of hot wings.

3 Responses to “Obamas spend Memorial Day weekend at Jersey shore; Pres punches Snookie in face”

  1. art vandolay said

    I find it hard to believe that Michele Obama needs her husbands help when it comes to punching out the lights of a piece of white trash from New Jersey. Have you seen her arms? I’m beginning to think this news really is fake.

    • Hey hey hey. No need for name calling. We in the Garden State are proud to have Snookie represent us to the rest of the nation. She exhibits exactly the kind of qualities we want people to think of when they think of New Jersey.

      0o

      Ah, dry, like a fine chardonnay.

  2. I love what you guys are usually up too. Such clever work and reporting! Keep up the excellent works guys I’ve you guys to my own blogroll.

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