By Lacy Thundercake
Today's caption is free of typos AND stoicism.
Who among us doesn’t dream of becoming a blogging star? To have so many millions of adoring readers everyday that your stats page crashes? To be able to quit your job writing arts and entertainment tripe for a stupid internet news journal with a soulless monster for a boss?
[Just get on with it, will you? – ed.]
WordPress is the ideal choice for many blog-stars-in-the-making. As one of the most popular blog hosting sites, and certainly the oldest (it was invented in 1440 and originally known as PrintingPress), WordPress gives you access to millions of other people who also want to be famous bloggers. Maybe yours will be so good that everyone else quits blogging because their spirits are crushed beyond recognition. You can always hope.
So what does it take to make your dream come true? Check out the five most visited WordPress blogs below for some tips.
1. Turning Food into Poop
Doctor William Rubin
Dr. Rubin, who lost his medical license for implanting leopard gizzards into humans to aid the digestion of red meat, has made lemons into… er, lemonade. His blog on digestive processes informs readers of what to expect a few hours after they eat something, and he gets about 70,000 clicks per day.
“I receive all kinds of comments from terrified people who think alien creatures are escaping from their bodies,” he says. “How can you be 37 years-old and not know?”
His advice for bloggers trying to make it big?
“Overeat.”
Oh, doc! Did you have to?
2. Zeus is Love
whatwouldherculesdo
“You can’t just say you’re a Pagan. You have to live as one.”
So says the blogger who spreads the word of Zeus to 90,000 people a day throughout the blogosphere. Most posts on Zeus is Love, America’s most popular religious blog, are discussions about scripture passages from the Pagan holy book, More Gods than You Can Shake a Stick at.
“One of my favorite quotes comes from the Book of Perseus, Act 2, verse 28,” says whatwouldherculesdo. “It’s when Zeus is trying to seduce Perseus’ mother, and he says, ‘Yeah, baby!’ That’s 2800 years before Austin Powers said it. Explain that, doubters!”
Other oft-quoted passages from the Pagan holy book include “Lock up your wives and daughters. Zeus is coming and he’s got that look in his eye!” and, from the Book of Heracles, “You want me to shovel what? I’m half god, you asshat.”
3. Tastes like Chicken: Cannibal Cuisine
David Word
Some readers may be surprised that a blog featuring recipes for human flesh is so popular, until one realizes that 40,000 of 50,000 daily clicks come from uncharted regions of the Amazon jungle. Still, that’s quite a few clicks from the so-called civilized world as well.
“Part of my success comes from having just really good recipes for human meat,” Word explains. “And the other part is because I’m sleeping with the owner.”
Indeed, David’s last name is one half of WordPress. His wife, Sarah Press, is the majority shareholder.
“I’m on Freshly Pressed once a week,” he says. “And you’re not.”
4. Piranha Total Care
Bristol Palin
Pet care blogs have been popular since technology has allowed the inner narcissist in all of us a chance to shine online. Piranha Total Care, which began as one of the most obscure, is now the number one pet-themed blog on the internet.
However, many cultural experts attribute the rise in popularity of meat-eating fish web sites to the complete of absence or dogs and cats in the country since President Palin ordered them rounded up and shipped to Australia.
Who can forget the President’s State of the Union address last year, when she said, “I know your pets are looking at me! My eyes might be closed, but I can FEEL THEM LOOKING AT ME.”
We here at The Anvil fully support President Palin’s efforts to ban furry pets from our shores, and we also support her government takeover of the media and the summary executions that followed. All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.
5. Alternate Writing
JaNeT pLaNeT
There is no shortage of writing blogs on the internet dispensing tips and advice on improving prose, empowering poetry, and peeing other P-writing words. Perhaps there are too many such blogs, one blending into another and becoming so redundant that the weary wordsmith wonders, “When will one winner wipe away WordPress’ wordy wasteland?”
[Please stop – ed.]
We have that winner, folks. It’s JaNeT pLaNeT from Alternate Writing. JaNeT does not profess to know anything about writing, which she says is the key to her success.
“Look, I wouldn’t know a haiku from a hole in your face,” she says. “That’s what makes me so accessible. That and my alternate writing style. Did I mention you were ugly?”
Her alternate writing style involves nothing more than alternating upper and lower case letters. A recent blog post was called, “yOu’Ll NeVeR gEt PuBlIsHeD, bEcAuSe, WeLl, YoU sUcK.”
“It took me a while to learn how to type like this, but I don’t care,” she explains, “because people are stupid jerks and I hope they all die.”
In addition to being a successful blogger, JaNeT is a certified insult therapist and part-time dominatrix.
Her advice to struggling bloggers is, “Quit. No one wants to read your worthless drivel.”
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Legal disclaimer: The Anvil apologizes for not providing links to any of these popular blogs, but astrophysicists at Princeton University tell us that posting links into alternate realities can cause a tear in the time-space continuum that results in the instantaneous return of every lost sock since the advent of the clothes dryer.
THE ANVIL 