THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Archive for October, 2010

Most Popular Halloween Costumes for Kids

Posted by oldancestor on October 26, 2010

By Lacy Thundercake

Retail sales figures continue to be flattened by tepid economic growth and ongoing unemployment, but one business segment is seeing a (predictable) surge this October: The Halloween costume industry. With kids across the nation ready to take to the streets on Sunday and do their part to worsen childhood obesity, we asked Ben Tramer, president of costume retailer Insane Profit Margin, to let our readers know what all those greedy ingrates adorable little monsters will be wearing.

According to Tramer, these are the top sellers of 2010:

 

Yahoo commenter

The terrifying visage of knee-jerk ignorance, modeled after the hate-filled, intolerant ranter who leaves stupid comments following news articles. The Yahoo Commenter knows everything… except facts.

$19.95 (mask only)

 

 

Lindsay Lohan

“A cautionary tale,” in Tramer’s words, that is carefully treated to look much older than it really is. Replete with plastic puke and mysterious white powder.

$39.95 (mask and teenage runaway/prostitute outfit)

 

 

Rubber stamp

For the kid who plans to hit lots of houses in a very short time. “We call it the Rubber Stamp,” says Tramer, “but I prefer to think of it as ‘The Banality of Evil.’”

$24.95 (hat, jumpsuit)

 

 

John Boehner

“A house minority leader is always popular with kids,” explains Tramer. “They’re fascinated by branches of government.” No word on whether manufacturers are ramping up production on a Nancy Pelosi mask for next year.

$14.95 (mask)

 

 

Protestor at Rand Paul Event

Tramer tells us that ‘Security Thug at Joe Miller Event’ was a top seller until yesterday, when this design suddenly took off. “I support people’s First Amendment right to wear whatever Halloween costume they want,” he says.

$29.95 (mask)

 

 

Corporate CEO

“This one bumped ‘The Pimp’ out of our top six for he first time since 1966,” says Tramer. Despite the difficulty of trick-or-treating with puppet strings hanging from one’s fingers, kids are snapping up the costume. “Some things are better than candy,” he explains. “Like unlimited greed and hubris.”

$24.95 (suit jacket, puppets)

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Don’t Ask Don’t Eat: Zombies in the Military

Posted by oldancestor on October 18, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Chewy D. Vour, who earned this medal for bravery in combat, was kicked out of the military for being a zombie.

WASHINGTON DC – Pressure is mounting for President Obama to follow through on his campaign promise to end the military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Eat policy, which permits the undead to join the armed services so long as they do not reveal themselves to be zombies. The President’s vow went largely unnoticed at the time he uttered it in 2008, as the zombie apocalypse had yet to begin.

But now that the walking dead represent one third of the world’s population and have integrated themselves into all facets of society, zombie advocacy groups are saying the President had better make good on his word… or else.

“We’re now the single largest voting block in the country,” says Brian Muncher, founder of Zombies Against Duplicitous Democrats (ZADD) and a zombie himself. “We can easily swing the midterm elections in whatever direction we choose. And right now, we’re looking for a more zombie-friendly political party.”

Over 250 zombies have been kicked out of the U.S. Armed Service in the past two months. Chewy D. Vour is one of them.

“One day, I’m laying a smackdown on the Taliban and the next day I’m on a flight back to Nebraska in my civvies,” he says. “I’m a soldier who doesn’t need water, doesn’t complain about the heat, and doesn’t mind sand in my shorts. But I guess they don’t need me.”

Vour scoffs at the notion that his fellow solders would suffer diminished morale if they discovered they were serving alongside a walking corpse. “Dude, I’m missing half my face, my intestines keep falling out, and my skin is a shriveled, desiccated husk. They knew I was a zombie.”

But if the undead hope to find a more zombie-friendly political party than the Democrats, they might need to look somewhere other than the GOP. The new crop of tea-party-endorsed Republican candidates has hardly set out the welcome mat for the human-flesh-eating voter. Last week, New York State gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino told supporters, “Children shouldn’t have their brains eaten by zombies,” then later apologized for the comment, saying he didn’t know zombies have difficulty penetrating human skulls and are forced to eat organ meat in most cases.

Fresh brains are thought to have restorative powers for the rotting.

On Friday, Nevada’s Republican Senate candidate Sharon Angle caused a stir when she asked a group of young zombies at a high school if they listen to the 1980’s pop group Fine Young Cannibals. Since then, the offended students have been selling t-shirts that read “Zombies Don’t Eat Zombies” in an effort to raise money for Angle’s Democratic counterpart and current Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Delaware’s Republican Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell briefly won a small undead following when a YouTube clip began circulating last month in which she admitted to “dabbling in flesh eating” in high school. Later, she was forced to run a television ad denying she was a zombie.

So where does this leave the zombies who currently serve in the military but are also living  secret, other lives? Ex-soldier Vour claims to have the answer.

“I’m going to run for president in 2011,” he says, having just founded a new political entity called the Zombie America Party (ZAP), which boasts a pro-zombie, anti-gun platform.

When reminded that the next presidential election isn’t until 2012, Vour says, “Dude, I’m kind of rotting over here. I’m in a hurry.”

Readers who wish to support the Vour For President campaign can donate money to his website via credit card, though he is also willing to accept a bucket of steaming, hot brains.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Foreclosure Crisis Too Boring for Fake News Journals?

Posted by oldancestor on October 14, 2010

By Lennie

Artist's rendition showing how people might appear when reading a fake news article about foreclosures

You’ve seen them on magazine covers, spread across the front pages of newspapers, and splashed all over the Internet: Articles about the Foreclosure Crisis, usually accompanied by a photograph of a lower-middle-class ranch home with a “foreclosed” sign posted on the front lawn. If you’re a self-styled fake news journalist with several pseudonyms, you may have even thought, for f**k’s sake! Are the news media so bereft of creativity that they can’t think of another way to illustrate an article on this subject?

Whether you’re a fake news writer or not, you probably haven’t said, “Damn, the foreclosure crisis is a goldmine of comedy. It’s like a sopping-wet humor sponge waiting to be squeezed.”

[And if you’re a fake news writer who created a simile using the phrase ‘sopping-wet humor sponge,’ you probably shouldn’t be allowed near a computer keyboard ever again – Ed.]

That’s right. Foreclosure crises and comedy go together like Bill O’Reilly and Whoopi Goldberg (how’s that for topical, boss?). [whatevs – Ed.]  In fact, the last funny person who had anything to do with foreclosures was the late, great Bernie Mac who, along with Fannie Mae, lent craploads of money to people for mortgages they couldn’t afford, or something like that.

“I wouldn’t do a foreclosure article,” says Eric J Baker, head writer for the online fake news journal, The Anvil. “Not even using a false name. Financial stuff is always dull.”

Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for rival fake news journal, The Avocado, agrees. “I’d write a freaking article on filibusters before I touch foreclosure humor, if there even were such a thing. Not only is it boring, but people are sick of hearing about it.”

But what about Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart, whose popular fake news program, The Daily Show, has touched on the subject numerous times?

“Don’t mention that name in my presence ever again,” bristles Bunny. “He needs a staff of hundreds to do what I do by myself. And he steals my jokes. Is he reading this? HEY, STEWART! I’M GUNNING FOR YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME, HOT SHOT? I GOT YOU IN MY CROSS HARES. PUN FREAKING INTENDED!”

Baker takes a more philosophical view.

“Jon Stewart isn’t fake news,” he says. “The Onion is fake news. The Anvil is fake news, only a lot more clever. Jon Stewart is real news, done with humor.”

To test Baker’s assertion, I decided to watch a full week’s worth of The Daily Show broadcasts. My intention was to determine if Stewart makes up events and creates false quotes or merely mocks various news broadcasters and politicians by playing video clips and offering wry commentary afterward. Then I remembered I don’t have cable.

Which is just as well, because my editor said I am only allowed 513 words per article and if I go over that amount I have to pay 10 cents per word. I just hope I have enough words left to tell you who really shot John F Kennedy. You won’t believe this, but it was

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Editorial note: The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers for today’s Angry Pink Bunny image, which looks more like an angry pink cat in a bunny costume. We promise to do better next time.

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

New Osama Bin Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy

Posted by oldancestor on October 3, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Bin Laden's new video, Buns of Hatred

PAKISTAN – In a new Al Qaeda video released this weekend, Osama Bin Laden delivered a message to the world: Less cardio and more strength training is the way to go.

“You’ll lose weight from strength training, believe me,” the terrorist mastermind said on the tape, just before leading a 30-minute exercise segment featuring the use of resistance bands and kick boxing with ankle weights.

Bin Laden’s views on a low-carb, high-protein diet are unchanged from previous videos.

Unfortunately for Al Qaeda, the workout tape is only available in VHS format, a factor which is likely to limit sales. In recent years, buyers of home video products have abandoned videotapes in favor of the superior picture and sound offered by DVD and Blu-ray disks. Exercise programs are even available “on demand” from cable companies or streamed via the Internet.

“These guys are so out of touch,” said Diane Getyerfreakon, spokesperson for Netflix, a popular rent-by-mail service. “It’s like they’ve been living in a cave for the past ten years.”

[Update: As this article went to press, it was learned that Ms. Getyerfreakon thought we were discussing the recent bankruptcy of Blockbuster Video, Inc. – Ed.]

When asked to respond to Getyerfreakon’s comments, an unnamed representative for Bin Laden said, “INFIDELS! YOU WILL DIE THE TEN THOUSAND FLAMING DEATHS OF HELL, AND YOUR CHILDREN’S EYE SOCKETS WILL BE RAPED BY GOATS!”

He went on to say, “Hey, man, VHS is making a comeback. Remember when the Great Satan tried so hard to make vinyl go away? Well, you can still buy a turntable. Am I wrong? I didn’t think so.”

No phone listing was found for anyone named Great Satan, but The Anvil was able to contact Evil Bastard, CEO of [classified], the shadowy conglomerate that secretly owns the home-entertainment and consumer-electronics industries, and ask him what he thought of Al Qaeda’s claim.

“The return of VHS, eh? Pretty laughable,” he said. “Those clowns can’t even hold a camcorder without shaking the sh*t out of it, so what do they know?”

Bastard added, “Still, if I want VHS to make a comeback, it will. I decide what people want and don’t want. If I say, ‘type the next paragraph in donkey language,’ you will.”

He-haw. He-haw he-haw he-haw, “He-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw.” He-haw he-haw he-haw heeeee-haaaaaw.

Al Qaeda’s once-popular fitness videos first gained attention from consumers around nine years ago with the release of the 20-minute Monkey Bar Workout, which involves swinging across a set of monkey bars in billowy cotton robes with a rifle slung across the shoulder, then running to the back of the line and doing it again. For a while, the terror organization marketed a clothing line modeled on the robes, which advertisements promised would, “wick away sweat while encouraging ventilation.”

Competition is fiercer for Al Qaeda these days. In addition to the array of home-video formats to contend with, other organizations have started producing workout videos, flooding a market that often gravitates toward the new and different.

Afghanistan’s Taliban group has already released three volumes in its popular Tali-Bo series, and Al-Qaeda-in-Iraq’s Low-Impact Insurgency has sold well. But perhaps the greatest threat to Bin Laden’s fitness video business comes from the CIA’s Predator Drone workout DVD entitled, One-second Weight Loss.

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Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , | 8 Comments »