ROMNEY DEFEATS OBAMA!

by Lennie

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

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Dracuquake Levels Cleveland!

By Lacy Thundercake

This map of Cleveland shows six concentric circles, which the city’s mayor wants to reduce to a more manageable three by 2016.

CLEVELAND – With the east coast still in the grips of an 800-mile-wide Frankenstorm, our nation was dealt a further blow tonight when Cleveland, Ohio suffered a Dracuquake measuring 7.5 on the Richter scale. The extent of the damage is not yet known, but authorities are hoping the quake will be killed when the sun rises tomorrow morning.

At a televised press conference that concluded a short time ago, Cleveland mayor Jonathan Harker implored residents to stay out of damaged buildings and to wait calmly for Red Cross personnel to deliver “food, blankets, water, and garlic.”

It is not known what effect a red cross with arms of equal length will have on the Dracuquake.

Harker also advised Clevelanders to tune into The Weather Channel for further updates. “I know this is more of a geological event than a metrological one,” the mayor said, “but I get kickbacks every time I mention them and need money for attack ads.”

The Anvil contacted Weather Channel spokesperson Judy Drench for a response to Harker’s comments.

“A Dracuquake is too weather,” she said. “If it happens outside, it’s weather. Well, a football game isn’t weather I suppose, but we’re not a sports channel, so I can’t comment on that.”

When asked for a response both to the mayor’s comments and Drench’s subsequent response, meteorologist and frequent Anvil contributor Pinky Middleton said he didn’t know why those who study weather are called meteorologists.

“I got into this [expletive deleted] to look at space rocks,” he explained. “Excuse me for using logic. I guess I should have signed up for ‘cloudology.’ I’d probably be on my way to the asteroid belt right now with a fat NASA paycheck, a badass spacesuit, and more chicks than I can handle.”

Middleton did warn east coasters to be on the lookout for Were-nados, which are often spawned by Frankenstorms.

“Those things can get pretty hairy,” he said.

In other natural disaster-related news, scientists in Washington State are currently monitoring seismic activity at Mount St. Helens, site of a massive explosion in 1980 that destroyed hundreds of homes and leveled miles of forest. No one from the Weather Channel was willing to comment, but sources say experts fear a Creature From the Black Lagooncanic eruption on the magnitude of the Mount Pinatubo blast that rocked the Philippines in 1991.

Jan Brewer set to play “Leatherface” in Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot

By Lacy Thundercake

“Don’t make me cut you!” says Brewer, rehearsing her lines. Or not.

LOS ANGELES – In a shocking move, film studio Lionsgate has cast fiery Arizona governor Jan Brewer as the chainsaw-wielding maniac “Leatherface” in the upcoming horror reboot, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is the first time a woman has played the iconic role in any of the five films in the series, dating back to 1974.

“We couldn’t be more proud of the governor,” said Brewer’s spokesperson Lefty Enright at this afternoon’s press conference to announce the casting. “The way she has hacked away at civil rights for Hispanic people and eviscerated the idea of health benefits for same-sex couples proves that she knows how to lash out in a clumsy, brutal fashion, just like a crazed killer who skins people alive and makes clothes out of them.”

Enright denies that Brewer was chosen for the part because of her weather-beaten, craggy appearance.

“What’s a sister gonna do? She lives in the desert.”

The film’s director, Pinky Middleton, said he chose the governor because he is a supporter of women’s rights and wanted to make a statement.

“Janice has proven that a woman can be just as nasty and hateful as a man. I hope, by giving her this role, I can shift the landscape of our society’s perceptions in a way that only art can.”

He also said, “I can’t wait to see her cut a dumb teenager in half.”

In other governor-related film-casting news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has recently signed on to play the part of a bitter, angry, emotionally stunted man who is shouts people down and calls them idiots when they ask him questions he dislikes. Until his rage boils over and pushes his blood pressure into the red, causing a heart attack.

Set in 2013, the film is tentatively being called, “The Chris Christie Story.”

Document Proves President WAS Born in Kenya

 

Africa: Illegal president factory?

By Lacy Thundercake

NAIROBI – An exclusive document obtained by The Anvil today proves that Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki was indeed born in the African nation he leads. Skeptics have long claimed that he is actually a rich, white businessman from the United States who exploited his family’s political connections to win office.

The mysterious document, known in media circles as “The Wikipedia Page,” not only identifies Kibaki’s birthplace as Gatuyaini, Kenya, it also provides paragraph after paragraph of information that is too boring to read. A photograph attached to the document, dated 2003, shows Kibaki meeting then U.S. President George W. Bush outside the White House, fueling speculation that, while Kibaki may not have been born in the United States, he has visited.

Some conspiracy theorists claim that the photograph was actually taken on the moon, where a mock-up of the White House exists for exactly these kinds of photo opportunities.

“NASA carts world leaders to the moon all the time,” says Pinky Middleton, founder of Luna-tix, a group demanding that the aerospace agency make moon-trip tickets available to the civilian public. “I don’t think my taxes should pay for government things if I don’t directly get nothing out of it.”

Middleton says he is using this year’s tax refund to turn his trailer into a moon rocket. “Next time Obama is up there shaking hands with some Swedish dude or whatever, I’m going to drop right in between them and moon everybody. Ha ha. Moon. I didn’t even get that ‘til just now.”

President Obama himself has been dogged by questions about his biological origins since he took office over three years ago, particularly since his mitochondrial DNA was traced back to southeastern Africa 200,000 years ago.

When reached by phone at his home office in Washington, D.C., President Obama told The Anvil, “Look. All modern humans’ mtDNA can be traced back to Africa 200,000 years ago. So, you know, every president we’ve ever had came from Africa.”

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus responded to the President’s assertion by stating, “If we believed in evolution, we’d be mighty upset right now.”

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Mitt Romney in a Landslide

Romney, just hours before disaster struck.

 

By Lacy Thundercake

JAKARTA – Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney narrowly escaped injury in Indonesia today when heavy rains caused a landslide that washed away part of a village where he was campaigning.

The working-class, blue-collar politician was in Southeast Asia, where he owns several small countries, to drum up support for his candidacy. Thousands of locals had braved inclement weather to cheer on Michigan-born Romney, unaware the very ground they stood on was about to vanish.

“I keep telling people I have support in the south, and this proves it,” said a smiling Romney just moments after the landslide occurred.

400 people were killed in the disaster.

In other election news, never-say-die GOP hopeful Rick Santorum planted himself in a flower pot today.

“What’s good for plants is good for people,” said Santorum as campaign volunteers buried him up to his chest in black potting soil.

The politician drew attention earlier this week when he told attendees at an energy summit in Mississippi that carbon dioxide was not harmful to the atmosphere. “Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is,” Santorum is quoted as saying.*

Phone messages from The Anvil left at Santorum’s campaign headquarters offering to put the former Pennsylvania senator in a room with nothing but carbon dioxide to breathe for 10 hours were not returned.

When asked by reporters at the potting ceremony if he had blood or chlorophyll in his veins, Santorum said, “Chlorophyll is junk science.”

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 * If you think I made that up, you’re wrong. You can read the quote right here.

God sues Rick Santorum for defamation

The Plaintiff

 

By Lacy Thundercake

FAIRFAX, VA – God, the reclusive eccentric credited by some for creating the universe, filed suit against GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum in Virginia today, citing defamation of character.

David Leibowitz, the attorney representing God, told reporters at the Fairfax County courthouse this afternoon, “Mr. Santorum continues to tell people what God wants and doesn’t want, despite several lightning bolts striking near his campaign bus as a friendly warning. We wish to make it clear to voters: God has not endorsed Rick Santorum or any other candidate. He’s a registered independent.”

As former Pennsylvania senator Santorum continues to garner national attention in the Republican primary race, several controversial statements he made in the past have emerged, including a comment that President Obama’s agenda is based on a “phony theology,” and, more recently, that there is no such thing as a liberal Christian.

In response to the lawsuit, Santorum’s campaign spokesperson Damien Thorn told Fox News, “Only the Senator speaks God’s word and knows his will. Come on, who are you going to believe, some bearded old hermit or the man who stood up for conservative family values in Pennsylvania for two terms?”

Thorn dismissed criticisms that Santorum is too focused on religion to serve in a secular government, saying, “The phrase ‘separation of church and state’ appears nowhere in the Constitution.”

When reached by phone at his toy factory near the North Pole, God told The Anvil, “You know what else doesn’t appear in the Constitution? The words ‘God,’ ‘Jesus,’ or ‘Christian.’ In other words, if I’d wanted America to be a theocracy, I’d have put the Taliban there, not Thomas Jefferson.”

God also said, “Eh, it wasn’t a problem,” in answering how he was able to file suit on the weekend when the courts are closed.

Santorum has made other controversial statements about religion in the past. In a speech before a Catholic university in 2008, he claimed that Satan was targeting America, though he did not specify the nature of the looming attack.   

When asked for specifics about Satan’s plan this afternoon, Santorum’s spokesperson turned red; sprouted horns, cloven feet, and a pointed tail; and said, without moving his lips, “In time you will know. Muahahahahahaha!”

It was not immediately clear what he meant.

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Dearest Anvil readers, I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. That’s right… I’ve joined the crowd and created my own writing blog. I wanted a central place from which to link all my stories, fake news articles, and PFC columns. It’s pretty sparse yet, but there’s more to come.

Click here to check it out.

Zooey Deschanel Found in Fake News Story

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanna make purple?

 

LOS ANGELES – Actress Zooey Deschanel, who is set to play herself in the upcoming Zooey Deschanel biopic, Zooey Deschanel’s Existential Solution, found herself on the front page of the popular fake news journal The Anvil today in what some experts are calling a blatant attempt by the satirical news media to draw clicks from unsuspecting Deschanel fans.

“It’s particularly appalling to bandy about Zooey Deschanel’s name in a fake news story,” says media analyst and International Blindfolded Dart Throwing Federation champion Sir Edmund Bollocks. “A good fake news story uses satire to mock the caprices and eccentricities of modern society. What has Ms. Deschanel done that is both topical and begging for criticism? Nothing. Shouldn’t we be skewering the current political process instead?”

He also said, “Did you notice how many times the article uses her name in an underhanded effort to manipulate search engines? It’s Zooey Deschanel this and Zooey Deschanel that. I bite my thumb at any villain who sullies Ms. Deschanel’s good name in this way!”

Deschanel is believed by many to be overly adorable.

In an odd twist, The Anvil also mentioned obscure 1970s Italian movie director Sergio Martino in the same article, though the retired filmmaker has no known connection to Deschanel. Martino’s 1972 film, Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key bears a name so unwieldy that scientists say it is statistically impossible someone would type it into an internet search box.

The strange, contradictory move has some experts questioning The Anvil’s motives

You thought I was making it up, didn't you?

“I’ve never heard of Sergio Martino,” says Bollocks, “but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s part of an Italian film syndicate that’s in cahoots with a fake news industry bent on promoting films with horribly unmarketable names. Don’t be shocked when you see the name ‘Sergio Martino’ appear in the article several times.”

 

Bollocks adds, “Sergio Martino this, Sergio Martino that.  It’s just the kind of crass act you’ll find being perpetrated by these so-called satirists.”

When reached for comment on the fast-exploding scandal, Deschanel said, “I’m cute!”

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Editorial note: I’m sorry today’s story is so weird. I write what the toaster oven tells me to write.

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Russian Space Probe Sent to Study Pacific Ocean Lands Successfully

By Robotman

Russian space probe in low-earth orbit

MOSCOW – Engineers and scientists at the Russian Space Federation cheered wildly on Sunday when their $127 spacecraft, Czar Trek II, successfully smashed to pieces upon crashing into the Pacific Ocean. The impact was the culmination of years of planning, followed by a week of scrambling after the vehicle was unable to escape Earth’s orbit and head to its original destination, Mars.

“We had to go with Plan Б,” said Space Federation spokesman Dmitri Crashnikov at yesterday’s press conference. “We can’t go to Mars, so we study ocean. Anyway, Mars is boring. Ocean has lots of creatures.”

Some critics accused the Russians of cutting corners by using an old Atari game console to navigate the craft, while other critics say the new film in the Mission Impossible franchise, Ghost Protocol, is the best of the four.

Not everyone agrees.

“When was the last good movie about Mars?” asks film enthusiast and redneck Pinky Middleton, conflating two unrelated concepts from a previous paragraph. “Angry Red Planet from 1959? Meanwhile, there are tons of good movies about the Pacific Ocean, like The Abyss, and all those World War II films where we fought the Japs.”

Data from Russia’s Pacific Ocean probe is not expected to be transmitted, as the craft was obliterated on impact.

“You American are too – how do you say it – old fashioned,” says Crashnikov. “Always with boring data about rocks and more rocks. In Russia, we study splash.”

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Hey kids, why not head over to PFC to check out Why Did They Cancel the Leper Hockey Game?, my write-up of SyFy channel’s special effects reality show Face Off, which includes the usual digressions and perversions. Better yet, maybe adults should be the ones who check it out.

Door hit Kim Jong Il’s ass on the way out, despite warnings

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kim Jong Il in happier times, when he was less dead.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – 2011 was already shaping up to be the worst year on record for evil scumbags when it was learned yesterday that the asses of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Libyan fashionista Moammar Gadhafi, and North Korean hair model Kim Jong Il were all struck by the door on the way out. This despite repeated warnings from colloquial English speakers not to let it happen.

Discovery of the ass-hitting provided small consolation for those who believe the three men, all of whom died this year, did not suffer enough in passing.

“I’d like to have seen them dipped in honey and covered in fire ants, and then I would have watched as the ants slowly ate away at their flesh over several days, only to have someone come along and rub salt into their open wounds. But not enough to kill them, just enough to make them get all screamed out before someone else came along and ripped their finger nails off with pliers and then took a hammer and chisel to their teeth right before pouring boiling oil all over them and then, once they cooled off, sending in some baboons to rape them in the ears and eye sockets for fifteen hours,” said the Dalai Lama, a noted pacifist. “But I’ll take the ass smacking.”

Not everyone was so happy to hear the news.

“Evil took at hit in 2011, no doubt,” laments Pinky Middleton, owner of In Yo Face, Ltd., a company that sells novelty shooting targets featuring the likenesses of international villains. “I’m sitting a pile of inventory depicting people no one wants to pretend shoot anymore. Ah, well. Maybe Celine Dion will put out an album this year.”

The ass-hitting incident was discovered by NASA’s newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. It can also take soil samples.

In related but less-important news, NASA scientists discovered the meaning of life, the origin of the universe, and whether God exists yesterday using their newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. Details are available on The Anvil Pro Edition, available now for a low introductory subscription rate of $39.99 per month.*

 

 

*put the money inside a stuffed giraffe and leave it behind the cardboard recycling dumpster across the parking lot from my apartment tonight. Don’t let anyone see you, especially NASA, though that’s a fruitless endeavor these days, isn’t it?

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Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Colonel Klink promises free colorectal exams for all

Des Moines, IA – GOP presidential hopeful Colonel Klink has topped our most recent election poll, largely on the strength of his nein, nein, nein tax plan, which, roughly translated, means, “No, no, no” new taxes. He led Newt Gingrich 22 percent to 18 percent in the survey of likely Republican voters conducted yesterday.

 

Klink was campaigning in Des Moines last night, where he told supporters he stands for “freedom, accountability, and competence in government.” He also said that if he does not win the upcoming Iowa caucuses, he has a panzer tank division standing by to take the state by force. 

 

Fellow GOP candidate Gingrich, in trying to fend off attacks from his rival, got himself into trouble Friday by comparing Klink’s campaign ads to Nazi propaganda and by referring to Klink himself as “Herr Commandant.”

 

When asked for a response to Gingrich’s comments, Klink said, “It’s pretty bad taste to imply someone is a Nazi. You just don’t do it. I assume he was joking, but there’s nothing funny about that period in history.”

 

He added, “For example, imagine if someone produced a TV sitcom set in a German prison camp in World War II. There’s no way that would be funny.”

 

Klink has thus far managed to avoid the scandals and controversies that have dogged other candidates and, in Herman Cain’s case, forced a withdrawal from the race. Despite having been born in Germany and, thus, being ineligible for the presidency, Klink has not faced any challenges from the so-called “birther” movement.

 

When The Anvil contacted the local chapter of the Flat-Birth Society to find out why they have not demanded that Klink’s birth records be made public, as they did with President Obama, the office’s spokesman Pinky Middleton said, “Because he’s white.”

 

Klink said he will no longer answer questions unrelated to domestic and foreign policy and referred all such inquiries to his campaign staff. In response to questions about Klink’s place of birth, opinions on TV sitcoms, and secret Nazi past, the candidate’s spokesman Sergeant Schultz told reporters today, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”  

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