Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Nation’

Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide

Posted by oldancestor on August 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Two of the 20th century's most beloved product icons, The Kool-Aid Man and Peppy McDeath, are working together again

WASHINGTON DC – At a Glenn Beck rally held in Washington DC yesterday, event organizers were embarrassed when it was discovered there was not enough cyanide to go around. Approximately half of the 50,000 people in attendance had to drink straight Kool-Aid and didn’t die.

Beck, host of a popular Fox News television show and author of several books someone else actually wrote*, was in town to commemorate the thirty-first-and-three-quarters-of-a-year anniversary of the Jonestown Massacre, which took place in Guyana in 1978 and claimed the lives of over 900 Americans. Earlier in the week, Beck had vowed to “take back mass-suicide cultism from South America.”

Several survivors of yesterday’s rally left disappointed.

“He [Beck] told us the only way to make America good again was to swallow the little orange pill,” said attendee Pinky Middleton, 28, of Misdirected Anger, Indiana. “He said spaceships would come down and take President Obama back to Ceti Alpha Five. I didn’t get no pill, and I didn’t see no spaceships.”

It could not be independently confirmed if spaceships came for the President after the mass suicide took place.

Beck was unavailable for comment, but his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer, told The Anvil via telephone this morning, “There was, like, a problem with the metric system? So, like, we had twice a much cups of Kool-Aid?”

She also said, “This is why Mr. Beck thinks the metric system is un-American, because, like, they use different number systems there. President Obama wants to socialize number systems, which we need to not allow, moreover.”

The White House was busy setting up its ObamaCam second-by-second vacation-activity media tracker and would not respond to Ditzmeyer’s comments. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was only willing to say, “Not now. The President is eating a bowl of Cheerios and I need to write a press release about it.”

Sarah Palin, the keynote speaker at Beck’s rally and also a fake author****, defended event organizers responsible for the cyanide shortage while managing to take a shot at the President at the same time.

“People… real people like you and me… we like Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is good enough for us,” she said. “Unlike our elitist, out-of-touch President who eats cereal shaped like the first letter of his last name. Nope. Kool-Aid is for honest, hard-working Americans, like those that came to see me speak.”

The fruity beverage, which event organizers were selling for $20 a cup, is noted for its effectiveness in dissolving poison capsules, thus making it the world’s most popular powdered drink at mass-suicide events. A representative for the manufacturer claims that the company shipped over 100,000 packets to Beck’s rally and always welcomes the free publicity that accompanies a lurid news story involving its product.

In business news, television host Glenn Beck reportedly purchased stock in Kool-Aid Incorporated last week, just before a massive order was shipped to his rally in downtown Washington, DC.

“People are, like, complaining that 25,000 attendees only got straight Kool-Aid with no cyanide,” says his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer. “But, you know, 25,000 others did get cyanide. I wonder why you’re not asking them if they are satisfied. Is it because of left-wing media bias? I think it is.”

In employment news, the city of Washington in the District of Columbia is looking to hire one-thousand corpse haulers, on a temporary basis. Carts will be supplied.     



*possibly, maybe**

** I don’t want to get sued for libel***

***Come on. Like he actually sat down for a year and typed out multiple drafts of a novel without any formal training as a writer. Give me a f—ing break. That’s insulting to anyone who writes.

**** Seriously. How can someone who writes reminders on her freaking hand possibly author a book?*****

*****Just kidding, Sarah darling. You know I love you. Pssst. Call me next time Todd is away at some secessionist meeting.


Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure

Posted by oldancestor on July 2, 2010

Explosion releases enough radiation to give cancer to millions


By Eric J Baker


Bioluminescent aliens from Neptune bearing a cure-all serum head for Earth (the planet Saturn is visible through the spacecraft's center window). 10 hours later, they were dead.

 SOMERSET, NJ – It looks as if instant eradication of all the world’s diseases will have to wait.

Missiles fired yesterday from the lawn of New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca struck the Neptunian flagship CE3K at an altitude of 40,000 feet, destroying it and scattering radioactive debris across the tri-state area. The extraterrestrial craft was allegedly en route to the United Nations building in New York to deliver a “miracle” cure for all disease when it was hit.

It is unknown how many aliens were on board, but they are all assumed dead.

Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca spokesperson Delores Smokescreen, speaking to reporters yesterday afternoon, attempted to justify the company’s actions by saying, “Haven’t you ever seen V? How about Godzilla vs. Monster Zero? These so-called ‘benevolent’ aliens always have a hidden agenda.”

She went on to say, “Rent Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Netflix. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Reaction in our nation’s capital was initially one of outrage and disgust.

“Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca’s actions and words are appalling,” said President Obama from the White House last night. “Trying to compare this situation to Killer Klowns from Outer Space is absurd. Those Klowns never tried to disguise their intentions.”

However, Democrats and Republicans were forced to stop criticizing the drug company when reminded they are all lackeys for multi-billion-dollar corporations like Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca and should keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.

Neptune’s ruler, Klaatu Varada Nickto, issued an interplanetary statement this morning that read, in part, “We had hoped to usher in a new era of cooperation and scientific enlightenment by offering you a serum that would forever eliminate all disease from your planet. Unfortunately, you are not ready for that and never will be. Prepare to be destroyed.”

Religious groups and political figures around the world are condemning Nickto’s words today.

Evangelicals R Us president and multimillionaire F. A. Brimstone released  his own statement that read, “These Godless heathens want to inject Satan into our veins! They’re jealous because Neptune revolves around the Earth, as does the rest of the universe.”

The statement goes on to say, “Telescopes and math are the work of the Devil and should be destroyed.”

Just before this article went to press, Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “Anything we don’t immediately understand MUST be killed without question!”

Whether or not the aliens’ cure would have worked is under debate. Doctors and medical research scientists (who’ve seen a sample of the compound and read the data) say receiving the serum would have been the most profound event in human history, while others, who have no knowledge of science or medicine, deny that claim.

So why was the craft shot down?

“There’s no profit in a miracle cure,” speculates Medical Ethicist Kyohei Yamane, whose title prompts people to wonder how he makes a living doing that.

Meanwhile, Chester Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Oklahoma, vows to keep his shotgun nearby.

“They [the aliens] can keep their wacky health juice,” he says between fits of coughing. “I’m watching the skies. Tell them Klowns they better not try to set foot, or whatever squiggly things they use, on my property or else.”

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Americans angry at Obama for traffic jams, allergies

Posted by oldancestor on June 23, 2010



By Eric J Baker


Americans are angry and getting angrier

 WASHINGTON DC – Virtual protestors stormed the internet this week to vent their increasing frustration with what they perceive as inaction from the Obama administration on critical issues facing America, such as heavy traffic and hay fever.

In the northeast, where automobile traffic is particularly dense, the anger has reached a boiling point.

“Everyday I have to put up with this,” says Carl Driver, a 52-year-old insurance salesman stuck in traffic on Route 1 in Edison, NJ, which is considered one of the most congested stretches of highway in the country. “It takes me a half hour to go five miles. The President has totally dropped the ball on this and I wonder when he will finally wake up and do something about it.”

Patty Bacon agrees.

Coming out of a Burger King on Route 413 in Levittown, PA, she says, “Whoever configured this road is a moron. I drove past the entrance twice. How should I know I was supposed to stay in the left lane?”

Bacon said she planned to go straight home and rip President Obama a new one on Yahoo comments threads the rest of the day.

“He’s too busy pushing his socialist agenda to send federal road crews out here and rearrange all this,” she declares with a scowl.

Indeed, Americans are angry and getting angrier. Mental health professionals express concern that a collective feeling of rage could result in widespread violence if left unchecked.

“I had a patient just the other day who punched himself in the face every time he sneezed,” says psychologist Dianne Agnose. “He beat himself to a pulp during an allergy attack and then asked me what happened to the hope and change he voted for. He thought he wouldn’t sneeze anymore. Sad.”

Retired lobotomist Herbert West believes we, as a nation, need to return to a simpler time when Americans were full of malaise and apathy rather than frothing hatred.

“It’s a good feeling not to care about anything anymore,” he says. “It’s less stressful. Instead of trying to blame a politician for things he can’t possibly control, you just look in the mirror and wonder why the hell you even exist.”

Still, West admits that, even for a passive guy like him, anger bubbles to the surface with increasing regularity these days.

“Just the other day I got the bill from the caterer for my daughter’s wedding,” he explains, “and it was two hundred dollars more than they quoted. There were all kinds of hidden charges. All I remember after that is running up and down the sidewalk screaming ‘Damn you, Obama!’”

And in a new twist on an already strange trend, Americans are growing angry with the President for not being angry.

“Acting like a screaming, ranting, crying lunatic is the only way to solve problems,” says Fox News television pundit Glenn Beck. “Look how much change I’ve effected since I went on the air. Thanks to me, Obama slashed up the BP CEO’s face with a straight razor instead of negotiating terms of payment.”

Journalists have taken the Commander-in-Chief to task in recent weeks for his aloof disposition, something the White House doesn’t…

You know what? Forget it. I don’t feel like finishing this article, damn it. I DON’T WANT TO FINISH THIS ARTICLE!!!!

Maybe if Obama got his act together, I could finish it, but he only cares about his radical left-wing agenda, leaving us poor writers to think of our own endings to articles. Damn it all to hell!

**shoves typewriter away, rips press card from hat, throws cigarette in coffee, and storms out**

[The Anvil apologizes for the angry way this story ended. The writer is now under sedation and resting comfortably – ed.]

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Obama tells America: “Stop saying ‘FAIL.’ You sound like a douche”

Posted by oldancestor on June 11, 2010

He also warned us against overusing, “yeah baby,” more than 12 years ago


By Eric J Baker


WASHINGTON D.C. – In a televised speech that aired during primetime last night, President Obama told Americans it was time to stop using the word “fail” as an adjective. His words echoed what many in the fake news media have been thinking for months.

Speaking directly to the camera, the President said, “Look. The internet picture of the kid on the bike with square tires was clever, as was the one with the piece of cheese on the cat’s face. They were real funny…three years ago. Yet ordinary Americans, after all this time, continue to say things are ‘fail’ in place of ‘stupid’ or ‘embarrassing,’ as if it were somehow still remotely amusing. These people should feel stupid and embarrassed for repeating a phrase that was worn out before I even took office. And for the record, ‘fail’ is a verb.”

Some observers say the President’s speech was meant to help toughen his image, as he has faced recent criticism for displaying a detached, cerebral approach to emotionally charged issues like unemployment and the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

While it’s hard to argue the insult isn’t tired, not everyone agrees it’s being misused as an adjective. Sir Henry Baskerville, a professor of linguistics at Oxford University in England, believes the slang term is a noun.

“Most definitely a noun,” explains Sir Henry. “When someone shows you a picture and says, ‘this bad football goaltending is FAIL,’ he means the performance of the goaltender is an act of failure, not that the goaltending was of poor quality, though that’s implied. In other words, this specific case of bad goaltending equals failure.”

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin isn’t concerned with debating the term’s position in the lexicon. At a public appearance late last night, she told a cheering crowd, “Yeah, Obama’s right. We should stop using it. NOT!”

Several television pundits quickly denounced her comments by saying, “Hey, Sarah. The late 80s called and they want their word back.” A montage of the responses will appear on Comedy Central’s Daily Show with Jon Stewart later this week, after which the host will berate the pundits for their apparent poverty of intellect. 

So far, President Obama has stayed above the fray, preferring to focus on issues he can’t do anything about, like creating jobs and stopping the oil leak.

Here is a transcript of his televised speech, minus the excerpt above:

My fellow Americans, I’m sharing a few minutes with you tonight to talk about an issue of grave importance that affects us all. I’ve faced many challenges in my first 500 days in office, including the need for healthcare reform, a bad economy, and an oil spill unprecedented in scope. We’re working hard to deal with these problems, but you can help us by recognizing that calling things ‘fail’ on the internet hasn’t been funny for ages and, frankly, when you do it, you come off as a douche bag. No one wants to be a douche bag…

You can do yourselves all a favor by stopping to think about what you say before you say it instead of operating as if some kind of tape is playing in your brain that regurgitates the same idiotic phrase over and over. Generally speaking, a catch word or phrase is just about used up by the time it reaches the masses. So if you find yourself on mental autopilot, switch it off and start acting like you’re capable of having an original thought.

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. Good night.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Scientists PROVE that you’re always right and everyone who disagrees with you is an idiot

Posted by oldancestor on May 28, 2010

Go ahead. Leave that insulting internet comment trashing this article’s writer or the person who commented before you. And do so with a feeling of righteousness. You earned it.


By Eric J Baker



PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they’ve found definitive proof no one knows what the hell they’re talking about but you. Results of the comprehensive study appear in this week’s issue of American Science Journal.

Says behavioral scientist Dr. Hans Gruber, who led the project, “Our findings clearly show that people who don’t agree with you are indeed mindless fools brainwashed by any number of agenda-driven entities such as the left-wing media, the right-wing media, the Obama administration, the Bush administration, crappy sports writers, oil companies, vegetarians, and Star Trek or Star Wars, depending on which you think is superior.”

Knee-jerk reactionaries across the nation rejoiced at the news.

“Finally, the ammo I need to shut those [expletive] morons up once and for all,” says internet user Pinky Middleton, who claims to have posted over 800,000 angry, all-caps comments on Yahoo. “I’ve been telling people I don’t have to learn anything about a subject to be an expert, and this proves I’m right. But I knew that.”

Liberals and conservatives were quick to claim victory. In a rare joint appearance yesterday, MSNBC’s ranting Obama lover Keith Olbermann and Fox News’ ranting Obama hater Sean Hannity pointed at each other and said, in unison, “See, I told you he was an idiot.”

Perhaps the greatest beneficiary is former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who no longer has to hurt her brain trying to find countries on a map or struggle to answer questions meant for a five-year-old.

“It’s the end of gotcha journalism,” said a visibly jubilant Palin. “[Expletive] you, Katie Couric.”  

Palin also said that, going forward, she will drop all references to reality from her speeches.

News of the study quickly resonated beyond the world of politics.

Militant atheist and prolific author Richard Dawkins said last night on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Mahar, “Once again, science proves that religious people are sniveling, groping, mindless stooges with nary a brain cell to share between them. In fact, they are so wretchedly stupid that I’m going to write another book about genetics. They are soooo dumb I am forced to explain to them every stillborn thought rotting inside their little shrunken-apple heads.”

A frustrated Dawkins went on to say he can’t understand why he has yet to convert a single religious person to atheism.

In response, some random evangelical guy said, “God wanted him to say that. Now excuse me while I go cherry pick one or two slivers of scientific data, wholly out of context, to prove the Earth is only 6000 years old.”   

So, do the results of Princeton University’s study mean the end of irrefutable facts?

“Only a brainwashed idiot would ask a question like that,” says Dr. Gruber. “What? Did you go to Harvard or something? Yale?”

He went on to say, “Moron.”

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Domestic annoyist attempts to stink up Times Square with fertilizer

Posted by oldancestor on May 5, 2010



By Eric J Baker


New York, site of the attempted attack, is bigger than this map suggests

NEW YORK – FBI agents thwarted an annoyist attack in Manhattan yesterday, arresting a man just as he was about to dump a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer onto the sidewalk. If the attempt had been successful, hundreds or even thousands of pedestrians would have grimaced, or worse.

The man, identified by the FBI as 40-year-old Muslim-Catholic F. Azziz-O’Rourke of Jersey City, is thought to have acted alone. Local authorities became suspicious and called in federal agents when they noticed a farm tractor hauling a wagon southbound on Seventh Avenue. The cargo was initially thought to be a bomb made from fertilizer but turned out to be just fertilizer.

“I was terrified,” said Park Avenue resident Courtney Rockefeller-Trump, who witnessed the arrest. “My sweater is cashmere. What if some of that [expletive] had gotten on it?”

Several bystanders quoted an NYPD officer at the scene saying, “There’s nothing to see here,” and “move along.”

Neighbors in Azziz-O’Rourke’s apartment feigned disinterest when questioned, though many were likely hiding deep feelings of shock and vulnerability. He was a man most of them trusted around their children, possibly.

“Azziz? Who the hell is that?” said a man in the next-door apartment who declined to give his name. When shown a photograph, he insisted on continuing the charade. “Nope.”

Neighbor Mira Goldstein remembers a chilling encounter with the would-be annoyist.

“That’s the [expletive] who took my laundry out of the washer downstairs and left it on a dirty table,” she said, adding, “I hope they hang him.”

In an eerie coincidence, the federal government chose yesterday to unveil to reporters its latest public alert system, which is meant to replace the previous color-coded warnings implemented following the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Americans may recall the threat level often became stuck on Orange (elevated), particularly around election time.

“People complained that the color coding didn’t really provide any practical value,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano at the press conference. “This time, we’re offering recommendations.”

An image of the chart taken with a Hardy Boys’ Super Neato Spy Camera appears below.

Not-at-all illegally obtained copy of new "threat" chart.

When pressed for further information, Secretary Napolitano admitted her department created the new alert system in order to continue receiving funding for new alert systems.

“If you actually try to improve efficiency and spend less money in Washington, they run you out of town,” she said moments before removing a flask from her purse and taking a swig of what can only be assumed was ‘Keep-America-Safe’ juice.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »