Transmissions from the alternate universe

Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide

Posted by oldancestor on August 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Two of the 20th century's most beloved product icons, The Kool-Aid Man and Peppy McDeath, are working together again

WASHINGTON DC – At a Glenn Beck rally held in Washington DC yesterday, event organizers were embarrassed when it was discovered there was not enough cyanide to go around. Approximately half of the 50,000 people in attendance had to drink straight Kool-Aid and didn’t die.

Beck, host of a popular Fox News television show and author of several books someone else actually wrote*, was in town to commemorate the thirty-first-and-three-quarters-of-a-year anniversary of the Jonestown Massacre, which took place in Guyana in 1978 and claimed the lives of over 900 Americans. Earlier in the week, Beck had vowed to “take back mass-suicide cultism from South America.”

Several survivors of yesterday’s rally left disappointed.

“He [Beck] told us the only way to make America good again was to swallow the little orange pill,” said attendee Pinky Middleton, 28, of Misdirected Anger, Indiana. “He said spaceships would come down and take President Obama back to Ceti Alpha Five. I didn’t get no pill, and I didn’t see no spaceships.”

It could not be independently confirmed if spaceships came for the President after the mass suicide took place.

Beck was unavailable for comment, but his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer, told The Anvil via telephone this morning, “There was, like, a problem with the metric system? So, like, we had twice a much cups of Kool-Aid?”

She also said, “This is why Mr. Beck thinks the metric system is un-American, because, like, they use different number systems there. President Obama wants to socialize number systems, which we need to not allow, moreover.”

The White House was busy setting up its ObamaCam second-by-second vacation-activity media tracker and would not respond to Ditzmeyer’s comments. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was only willing to say, “Not now. The President is eating a bowl of Cheerios and I need to write a press release about it.”

Sarah Palin, the keynote speaker at Beck’s rally and also a fake author****, defended event organizers responsible for the cyanide shortage while managing to take a shot at the President at the same time.

“People… real people like you and me… we like Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is good enough for us,” she said. “Unlike our elitist, out-of-touch President who eats cereal shaped like the first letter of his last name. Nope. Kool-Aid is for honest, hard-working Americans, like those that came to see me speak.”

The fruity beverage, which event organizers were selling for $20 a cup, is noted for its effectiveness in dissolving poison capsules, thus making it the world’s most popular powdered drink at mass-suicide events. A representative for the manufacturer claims that the company shipped over 100,000 packets to Beck’s rally and always welcomes the free publicity that accompanies a lurid news story involving its product.

In business news, television host Glenn Beck reportedly purchased stock in Kool-Aid Incorporated last week, just before a massive order was shipped to his rally in downtown Washington, DC.

“People are, like, complaining that 25,000 attendees only got straight Kool-Aid with no cyanide,” says his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer. “But, you know, 25,000 others did get cyanide. I wonder why you’re not asking them if they are satisfied. Is it because of left-wing media bias? I think it is.”

In employment news, the city of Washington in the District of Columbia is looking to hire one-thousand corpse haulers, on a temporary basis. Carts will be supplied.     



*possibly, maybe**

** I don’t want to get sued for libel***

***Come on. Like he actually sat down for a year and typed out multiple drafts of a novel without any formal training as a writer. Give me a f—ing break. That’s insulting to anyone who writes.

**** Seriously. How can someone who writes reminders on her freaking hand possibly author a book?*****

*****Just kidding, Sarah darling. You know I love you. Pssst. Call me next time Todd is away at some secessionist meeting.


25 Responses to “Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide”

  1. Leave a comment, you bloody bastards.

    (Not you, I’m talking to the other people. But leave a comment anyway.)

  2. Paula said

    So, I’m commenting, I’m commenting! Shut up about commenting, you old whiner: Hey! That’s a good name – theoldwhiner. . .

    Enough of that! Here’s something you will enjoy (notice my confidence), but perhaps have seen before. Maybe your readers haven’t!

    BTW – you almost never leave a comment on mine, so. . .

    • Ahahahaha! That’s great.

      It took a while for me to do a Glenn Beck story because he’s his own satire. He’s so absurd that it’s just inherently funny. But the opportunity presented itself.

      You’re right, I am horrible about leaving messages. I vow to be better.

      Now what about the rest of you?

      • Paula said

        He may be his own satire, but I just can’t laugh. He scares the s— out of me. To think there would be thousands of people out there who think enough about his message to actually show up for that inanity! I only hope that at least some of them showed up only to find out if he was for real or not. But who would want to waste their time doing something like that?

        • 35-cent hot dogs?

          • Paula said

            Now THAT’s an answer I can live with; but if he was selling his Kool-Aid treat for $20, don’t you think he would have charged more than 35 cents for a dog? Still, maybe it would be worth it. . .haven’t had a hot dog in a long time. Only problem is that they wouldn’t serve any kraut with it – can’t have those Nazis enjoying their hot (don’t call me frankfurter) dogs!

  3. Tracy said

    I love it. Just the title alone was all I needed!

    • Thanks. I hope you stuck around to read the rest of it, though. There’s more funny.

      Long time, no comment, by the way. I’m glad to see my name-calling and general unpleasantness is having the effect I wanted.

  4. tsuchigari said

    Why is there never enough cyanide to go around… I can’t listen to Glenn Beck, I all stocked up on crazy to go adding his to the mix. I thought rabies shots were mandatory for all political commentators.

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