Russian Space Probe Sent to Study Pacific Ocean Lands Successfully

By Robotman

Russian space probe in low-earth orbit

MOSCOW – Engineers and scientists at the Russian Space Federation cheered wildly on Sunday when their $127 spacecraft, Czar Trek II, successfully smashed to pieces upon crashing into the Pacific Ocean. The impact was the culmination of years of planning, followed by a week of scrambling after the vehicle was unable to escape Earth’s orbit and head to its original destination, Mars.

“We had to go with Plan Б,” said Space Federation spokesman Dmitri Crashnikov at yesterday’s press conference. “We can’t go to Mars, so we study ocean. Anyway, Mars is boring. Ocean has lots of creatures.”

Some critics accused the Russians of cutting corners by using an old Atari game console to navigate the craft, while other critics say the new film in the Mission Impossible franchise, Ghost Protocol, is the best of the four.

Not everyone agrees.

“When was the last good movie about Mars?” asks film enthusiast and redneck Pinky Middleton, conflating two unrelated concepts from a previous paragraph. “Angry Red Planet from 1959? Meanwhile, there are tons of good movies about the Pacific Ocean, like The Abyss, and all those World War II films where we fought the Japs.”

Data from Russia’s Pacific Ocean probe is not expected to be transmitted, as the craft was obliterated on impact.

“You American are too – how do you say it – old fashioned,” says Crashnikov. “Always with boring data about rocks and more rocks. In Russia, we study splash.”

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Hey kids, why not head over to PFC to check out Why Did They Cancel the Leper Hockey Game?, my write-up of SyFy channel’s special effects reality show Face Off, which includes the usual digressions and perversions. Better yet, maybe adults should be the ones who check it out.

Door hit Kim Jong Il’s ass on the way out, despite warnings

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kim Jong Il in happier times, when he was less dead.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – 2011 was already shaping up to be the worst year on record for evil scumbags when it was learned yesterday that the asses of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Libyan fashionista Moammar Gadhafi, and North Korean hair model Kim Jong Il were all struck by the door on the way out. This despite repeated warnings from colloquial English speakers not to let it happen.

Discovery of the ass-hitting provided small consolation for those who believe the three men, all of whom died this year, did not suffer enough in passing.

“I’d like to have seen them dipped in honey and covered in fire ants, and then I would have watched as the ants slowly ate away at their flesh over several days, only to have someone come along and rub salt into their open wounds. But not enough to kill them, just enough to make them get all screamed out before someone else came along and ripped their finger nails off with pliers and then took a hammer and chisel to their teeth right before pouring boiling oil all over them and then, once they cooled off, sending in some baboons to rape them in the ears and eye sockets for fifteen hours,” said the Dalai Lama, a noted pacifist. “But I’ll take the ass smacking.”

Not everyone was so happy to hear the news.

“Evil took at hit in 2011, no doubt,” laments Pinky Middleton, owner of In Yo Face, Ltd., a company that sells novelty shooting targets featuring the likenesses of international villains. “I’m sitting a pile of inventory depicting people no one wants to pretend shoot anymore. Ah, well. Maybe Celine Dion will put out an album this year.”

The ass-hitting incident was discovered by NASA’s newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. It can also take soil samples.

In related but less-important news, NASA scientists discovered the meaning of life, the origin of the universe, and whether God exists yesterday using their newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. Details are available on The Anvil Pro Edition, available now for a low introductory subscription rate of $39.99 per month.*

 

 

*put the money inside a stuffed giraffe and leave it behind the cardboard recycling dumpster across the parking lot from my apartment tonight. Don’t let anyone see you, especially NASA, though that’s a fruitless endeavor these days, isn’t it?

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Newsflash: Nothing Happened Today

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The Sun and daytime... is there a connection?

EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13^th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51^st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.

White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.

“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”

Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”

NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”

She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”

With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.

 

The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.

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Dearest darling Anvil readers.

Please check out my new Pure Film Creative post where I obsess about DEATH,

continue to dazzle you with my knowledge of art,

and prattle on about the usual stuff: Lindsay Lohan, zombies, and attemtped murder

Click here to be enlightened.

!

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Scientists say cavemen were disgusting

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The chicken: Victim or Accomplice?

 

 

NEW YORK – A team of archeologists at New York’s Columbia University announced today that cavemen were disgusting. The discovery was made after the researchers did research.

 

“Humans who lived in the first agricultural societies about 10,000 years ago had some repulsive eating habits,” said Dr. Doug Bones, who led the project. “Can you believe they actually monitored the menstrual cycle of captive hens [female chickens] and devoured the animals’ output? They even used the stuff for cooking prehistoric pancakes.”

 

The scientists were able to piece the evidence together after unearthing stone frying pans and spatulas alongside early boxes of Bisquick.

 

Dr. Bones adds, “What do you expect from people who were too lazy to write anything down, forcing folks like me to spend our precious time digging in dirty fields instead of playing golf?”

 

When asked if it was appropriate for reporters to call these early farmers ‘cavemen,’ Bones said, “Don’t be stupid. They didn’t live in caves. You’re thinking of Neanderthals, a human subspecies that died out thousands of years beforehand. But if it makes your trashy headline more lurid, go for it.”

 

So what caused the Neanderthals to perish while our ancestors thrived?

 

“Did I say they died out? I meant to say they became reporters,” Dr. Bones explains.

 

Scientists aren’t the only ones who think eating a hen period is disgusting. Sunny Sydupp, who owns Sunny’s House of Omelets in Muncie, Indiana says, “So you mean this stuff came out of a chicken’s you-who-what and then they ate it? That doesn’t go over easy with me.”

 

Disgusting? Science says "yes"

Sydupp’s business partner, Meg Benedict, adds, “Are we talking about those guys on the Geico commercial? Ew. I knew they were perverts.”

 

Adding to the mystery is why a South American university, Columbia, is located in New York City.

 

Oxford professor and expert on weird university names, Sir Edmund Bollocks, says, “I think you’re confusing Columbia with Colombia. One has a ‘u’ and the other has an ‘o,’” which makes him look like a pompous jerk, since we can obviously tell our vowels apart.

 

When asked if he was willing to say something topical about the Anthony Weiner photo scandal, Sarah Palin’s e-mails, or Tracy Morgan’s homophobic rant to help this story draw more clicks, he said, “No.”

Lady Gaga?

“No.”

 

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Punxsutawney Phil escapes Doomsday in tiny rocket

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Sayonara, Earth!

PITTSBURGH, PA – Clairvoyant groundhog Punxsutawney Phil was spotted leaving our planet in his mini-starship today, likely in anticipation of tomorrow’s apocalypse. Most credible scientists view his escape as confirmation of the May 21^st doomsday prediction made by noted predictor Harold Camping, who has won many converts with his zero-for-zero accuracy record.

Startled witnesses reported seeing the famous groundhog’s tiny craft lift off this morning from the western Pennsylvania woods near Punxsutawney Phil’s hometown, ironically also called Punxsutawney.

“He must have seen his shadow… in Hell,” said local resident Otis Toole, a follower of Camping, when asked why he thought Phil decided to skip the impending Rapture.

NASA scientists are unsure where the popular rodent will go, given the lack of groundhog-friendly planets in our solar system.

Cracky McShake, a geologist with the University of Detroit Online, said he doubted the doomsday prediction for too long.

“I’m only half done building my UFO,” he says. “All I needed was to figure out how it would fly. And how to get it out of my basement without cutting a big hole in the house. Oh well.”

Professor McShake holds out hope that Jesus will take a while to judge everyone.

“They’re saying six months, on account of Jesus being somewhat of a micromanager who doesn’t like to delegate tasks to subordinates,” he explains. “I’ll just hang low, Mel-Gibson-in-The-Road-Warrior style, until my ship is done.”

He later added, “Plywood, baby!”

Punxsutawney Phil’s departure is sure to boost the ratings of tonight’s ABC television special, Dick Clark’s End of the World Rockin’ Eve, airing at 11 pm. Set to be broadcast live from Times Square in New York City, the show will feature live performances from Beyonce, Green Day, Katie Perry, Elton John, Placido Domingo, and Lady Gaga. Justin Bieber was also scheduled to appear, but advertisers feared his presence might invite an early start to Armageddon and demanded a cancellation.

Lady Gaga said she plans to dress as the Virgin Mary, including the shrink wrap, magenta panties, and a metallic bra with glow-in-the-dark nipple stars described in the Gospels.

“Jesus wouldn’t send his mother to hell, would he?” Gaga told The Anvil via telephone this afternoon. “Then again, he probably will in my case, because I’m so persecuted all the time.”

No one is sure when the apocalypse will start tomorrow or if Jesus will respect the International Date Line, thus giving Hawaiians a little extra breathing room but royally screwing Fiji. Calls to Jesus’ 24-hour-hotline, 1-88-JUDGMENT, went unanswered.

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Editorial note: This version corrects an earlier headline that wasn’t drawing enough clicks

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Humans no longer the dominant species on Earth by 2015?

By Eric J Baker

Meet the new boss: Sharkalope

DETROIT – Researchers at the University of Detroit Online say that, within a scant 4 years, Homo sapiens will rule this planet no more. Our replacement? The sharkalope, according to UDO Science Professor Pinky Middleton.

 “It’s the only species of shark with opposable thumbs,” says Middleton. “Plus it has wicked antlers. If you took nature’s most perfect killing machine and wanted to make it even perfecter, you’d add thumbs and antlers.”

Middleton has been studying the creatures for over 20 years, after his first two wives were suffocated in their beds by sharkalopes, as well as his college-dorm roommate and his mother’s boyfriend.

“I don’t blame sharkalopes for my personal tragedies,” he says. “They were just doing what nature evolved them to do.”

While most scientists agree that humans are about to be wiped out by a land/sea animal hybrid, not all of them believe our demise will come at the fins of a sharkalope.

“It’s the dinopus you should be watching out for,” says Middleton’s UDO colleague, Dr. Shinji Mafune. That organism, never observed in the wild by anyone but Dr. Mafune, may be rare, but it has the advantage of size.    

Same as the old boss: Dinopus

“Trust me,” says Mafune. “You don’t want to see this thing walking down the street. A dinopus would eat a sharkalope like it’s a biscuit at tea time.”

The looming clash of beasts that will determine a new world order not only threatens the existence of mankind but also raises serious questions about the immediate political landscape. While pundits and would-be candidates are focused on the 2012 presidential campaign, Sharkalope and Dinopus may be positioning themselves for a 2016 run. But would they share a ticket and run against a human? If they run against each other, which one is a Democrat and which one is a Republican? Is it too early for either of them to put together a political action committee?

To answer these questions, we contacted Princeton University’s Dean of Political Science, Dr. Herbert West.

“There’s no such thing as a sharkalope, you idiot,” explains West. “Even if there were, how could an unarmed fish without a cerebral cortex possibly conceive of world domination much less hatch a plan to accomplish it?”

He also said, “And there’s no such place as the University of Detroit Online. I guess you guys never heard of something called ‘fact checking,’” though it was not immediately clear what he meant.

Keep reading The Anvil for updates on this developing story.

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Earthquakes caused by angels’ incompetent bowling

“I thought they were supposed to watch over us!”

– Quake survivor

 

By Eric J Baker

The Pentagon's new AngelKiller 7000 attack helicopter. "We'll do what we must," says General Petraeus.

DETROIT, MI – Until 1970, scientists believed thunder was the sound of shock waves caused by the rapid expansion of superheated air following a lightning strike. That’s when Detroit University Online geophysicist Cracky McShake put forth the controversial theory that thunder was actually the sound of angels bowling. He was later proven right and went on to win the Nobel Prize for Science.

Now, 40 years later, Professor McShake is making headlines again. In this month’s issue of Seismology Today, the septuagenarian is claiming that earthquakes are caused by those same angels throwing gutter balls. 

“It’s simple,” says McShake. “Clouds are the lanes, those balls weigh fifty thousand tons each, and we’re the gutter. Not to sound overly technical, but when that ball impacts the planet’s surface, everything gets all vibratey and fally, and people run around going ‘AHHHHHH!!!’ Otherwise known as an earthquake.”

Though Dr. McShake’s theory prevails throughout much of the scientific world, not everyone agrees.

“Can anyone explain to me the absence of ball fragments?” asks geologist Gyro Spanakopita of Athens University in Greece. Spanakopita has visited the site of several recent quakes and has yet to find such fragments or, perhaps even more telling, evidence of impact craters.

Dr. McShake responded by saying, “We can’t think of angel balls as actual balls. They’re metaphysical balls. When you’re dealing with science, you just have to have faith.”

Televangelist Pat Robertson was quick to seize the Professor’s findings and put his own spin on them.

“Have you noticed that earthquakes usually strike in places where incorrect religions are practiced?” Robertson asked viewers of his show, The 700 Club, last night. “Where the professor and I differ is that I believe the angels are throwing those balls on purpose and saying, ‘F**k you, you heathen scum.’”

He later added, “Now let us pray.”

While McShake doesn’t openly dispute Robertson’s words, he did distance himself from the notion of wrathful judgment.

“I think what we need to do is find out why angels are so goddamned bad at bowling,” he said.

A small number of scientists, mostly weirdoes from community colleges and science-fiction films, have suggested the Earth goes through geologic cycles on a scale too broad for laymen to comprehend, hence the appearance of a looming Armageddon every time seismic activity spikes. They also point out that human population has more than doubled in the past century. As a result, a heavier concentration of people living along fault lines engenders a higher risk of structural damage and casualties when a quake does strike.

Those scientists are most likely misinformed idiots worshiping at the false idol of reason, say Internet posters.

McShake believes the best way humans can protect themselves is if all the world’s children write messages of peace to the angels (requesting that they, perhaps, take up billiards instead), attach them to helium balloons, and release them.

“But make sure you’re polite,” he warns kids, “or you might not wake up the next morning.”

Satan, former overlord of Hell but now unemployed, was quoted as telling mankind, “With friends like these, who needs me?”

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A round-up of the week’s most explosively super-unbelievable news stories!

Editorial note: It makes us sick that we have to do all this work rounding up and writing, and all you have to do is sit there clicking away without a care in the world, you lazy do nothings. Oh well. I guess someone has to write this junk. Here are your top stories of the week…

The Facts in the Case of M. Student Volunteer

 

BP service station takes 4 months to stop oil leak in guy’s car!

 

RANDOM, MN – A Minnesota man claimed this week that a BP gas station 70 miles west of Bloomington has had his 1999 Mitsubishi Gallant on a lift since April 20th, trying to repair an oil leak.

“It’s ridiculous,” says the man, 41-year-old Stanley Man’s-Laughter. “How hard is it to fix an oil leak? I’ve paid almost 6,000 dollars in car rental fees waiting for these guys.”

When reached for comment, the station’s owner, Tariq Azziz, said, “It’s hard to say how long it will take. It could be the oil pan. It could be the valve-cover gasket. Maybe the filter is loose. We just don’t know yet.”

The vehicle’s owner says he’s had enough.

“Why does this always happen to me? Nobody cares about me. I feel invisible. I want to scream ‘I AM STAN!’ at the top of my lungs. Does anyone care?”

Before we went to press, Man’s-Laughter dropped the apostrophe and hyphen from his name and went on a crazed shooting spree at the mall. Details at 11:00!

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Scientists discover how to have cake and eat it too!

           

PRINCETON, NJ – Physicists at Princeton University have finally conquered a challenge that has daunted man for centuries: How to have your cake and eat it too.

Employing principles of Quantum Mechanics, researchers were able to ‘create’ a slice of black-forest double-strawberry cake (with whipped-cream icing) in a Dirac Wave Chamber at the exact moment the same slice of cake was being eaten by a student volunteer seated across the room.

“This is the first time something larger than a subatomic article has been able to exist in two places at once,” explains lead researcher Herbert West, who heads the Quantum Physics department at Princeton. “The doppelganger cake only existed for about a third of a second, but we’ll extend that time as we conduct more experiments. One day, you’ll be able to visit your mother-in-law and stay home to watch the game at the same time. What do you think of that?”

While that sounds enticing, it may not happen in our lifetimes. The Dirac Chamber, once switched on, causes anyone in the same room to liquefy within 15 seconds.

“Admittedly a drawback,” laughs Dr. West.

West is looking for a new student volunteer, so those who are interested should contact the university’s Physics office.

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Banks finally reform into new shape: A raised middle finger

 

WASHINGTON, DC – Federal Reserve System engineers studying computer models have determined that the recently passed Banking Reform Law is causing the nation’s banking system to reform into a shape resembling a hand with a middle finger raised.

“We were afraid this would happen,” said an employee inside the Fed who declined to give his name. “But the numbers don’t lie. I swear I heard my computer laugh and say ‘f*ck y*u’ to me when it happened.”

In other economic news, yacht and mansion sales are brisk despite an allegedly poor consumer-confidence index, stagnant wages, and high unemployment.

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Horoscope Horror! Feds Privatize the Zodiac

WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR YOU? SEE YOUR NEW ASTROLOGICAL SIGN BELOW AND FIND OUT!

By Lennie

 

Updated Zodiac symbols. Match yours to the horoscope below!

In an effort to trim the budget deficit, the federal government announced it will eliminate the Department of Zodiac, effectively putting thousands of licensed astrologers out of work and ending the era of industry regulation and oversight. With the massive, 800-billion-dollar spending cut comes other changes as well. For starters, each sign will have a new icon. Say “Bye” to the Bull. “Adios” to the Archer. “Sayonara” to the Scorpion. “Adieu” to the-

[Just get on with it – Ed.]  

Which brings to mind one simple question: How many will die because of this?!!

Deficit hawks in our nation’s capital are gloating this morning, but will they be all smiles when the bodies begin to pile up? Because that’s what will happen when unlicensed, back-alley “zodiaticians” start peddling their snake oil, dishing out mindless drivel that, at best, bears no relationship to actual Zodiac science. And that dishing will commence, oh, any minute now.

So what can you do to stay safe in this perilous new era of deregulation and back sliding into sheer quackery? You can get your Lennie-approved Horoscope right here at the Anvil! Don’t be fooled by imitations. Here goes:

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Old icon: Ram

New icon: Bizarre alien life form we can’t understand

Since you tend to be impulsive, you’re at risk of stabbing your lover with a butcher knife. Don’t, because you also tend to do poorly with prison life. Next Thanksgiving, go to Chili’s and get a nacho platter or something else that doesn’t require sharp utensils to eat. And don’t forget to take your meds.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Old icon: Bull

New icon: Car

You are going to have a lot of health problems this year. You thought everything was fine after they took out your gallbladder and did your knee replacement, but it’s only the beginning. Your shoulder is going next, followed by your eyesight. It’s frustrating because you aren’t that old and you’ve already spent a lot of money on maintenance. And with that long stride and size 12 shoes, you wonder why that little Japanese guy can run farther and faster and seems like he’ll last a lot longer.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Old icon: Twins

New icon: Sextuplets

You crave stardom, but you never bothered to learn how to do anything interesting. Your parents and friends say, “Why does someone who wants to be famous spend so much time watching TV and eating junk food?” The truth is, you just like watching TV and eating junk food. You figure you could easily be on one of those reality shows. Which is true, but haven’t you ever heard of pride?

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Old icon: Crab

New icon: Lobster

You’re kinda set in your ways, which, frankly, makes you boring. That’s why no one calls you. You never want to try anything new. Netflix isn’t the whole world, you know. The good news is you will be rescued from your doldrums by a handsome stranger who saw your couch on Craig’s List. Unfortunately, he will give you food poisoning the first time he cooks you dinner, and thereafter you will think of diarrhea whenever you see his face. This horoscope is true even if you are a heterosexual man, so that ought to make you reevaluate your life, eh?

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Old icon: Lion

New icon: A wedge of Swiss cheese

You will suffer abject humiliation when you go on Dr. Oz to talk about your farting problem. Dude, what did you expect? It’s a TV show. Did you think your co-workers wouldn’t DVR it?  To make matters worse, you will unintentionally say something so hysterically embarrassing that it becomes a pop-culture-smash clip they play at least twice on every single episode of E!’s The Soup for the next two years. Not to mention the 5 million YouTube hits.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Old icon: Virgin

New icon: Stripper pole

I hate to say this, but you’re the reason they can’t use the Virgin icon anymore. Maybe you should have started getting the hint when the bartender at TGI Friday’s gave you that “Take a number” dispenser. The worst part is yet to come: You know Jesse at Wal-mart, with only one tooth and the yellow spandex biking shorts? I’m going to let you take a minute to think about why I asked that. And when that tiny light bulb goes on over your head and you say, “No way. Not on a million years,” I’m going to say, “Yes way. This summer.” Book it.

Libra (September 23- October 22)

Old icon: Scales

New icon: Scales, but like on a monster

No, your dream of being called on stage to play drums for Rush because Neil Peart got the flu will not come true this year either. Neither will your dream of moving out of your mom’s basement. But truthfully, you don’t really want either of those things to happen, do you? What if you got up on stage and realized you had no pants on? How embarrassing. And where else will you get free cable and all the Doritos and wild cherry Pepsi you could ever drink? No, you’re sitting pretty, when you think about it, and will continue to do so. Thumbs up.          

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Old icon: Scorpion

New icon: Jack Nicholson in The Shining

Your planet is Neptune and unfortunately, Neptune is going to get smashed by a giant asteroid this year. Don’t worry, no one lives on Neptune (as far as we know), but whatever happens to Neptune happens to you. It won’t be an asteroid of course. If a giant asteroid hits your head, it’s pretty much going to hit a lot of people’s heads. I was thinking more like a small lead ball being thrown from atop a skyscraper. Just big enough to poke through the top of your skull and shoot out the bottom. So don’t go see the big Christmas tree in New York this year, like you were planning. Sometimes you can beat this Zodiac business if you’re smart.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Old icon: the Archer

New icon: A can of Raid

The Shining is your favorite movie, and you will be pissed when you find out Scorpios have the new Shining icon and you missed it by less than a month. This always happens to you. Remember when you thought your Chinese Zodiac symbol was a dragon? You thought that was so cool that you started studying Buddhism and practicing Zen and all that. Then you realized you were looking at some lunar calendar baloney and your symbol was actually a rat. Stop asking your parents if they wrote the wrong month on your birth certificate application. They didn’t. You are a Sagittarius. Suck it up.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

Old icon: Goat

New icon: A drop of antifreeze (the green kind, not the orange)

You thought you were cool because Jesus was a Capricorn too, though, somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew believing in the Zodiac wasn’t very Christian. Then, in school, they taught you Jesus was probably born some time in March, perhaps six years earlier than our calendar suggests. That left you feeling hollow, bitter, and betrayed, so much so that you became an atheist. Then you met the girl of your dreams and she taught you that you can’t make that kind of choice based on spite or anger. It has to be a rational decision, one way or the other. You may be grateful to her for helping you, but I have to tell you: She’s cheating on you with the guy who installed your attic fan. By the way, this horoscope is especially confusing if you’re a woman.   

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

Old icon: Water carrier

New icon: An angry pink bunny

You were jazzed when you found out your planet was Venus. Venus being the goddess of love and all that. Then you joined NASA and trained for 10 years, determined to become the best they had. How could they say no when you volunteered for the Venus trip? It’s your damn planet, after all. And they did choose you, like you knew they would. Then you got there and found out it’s 900 degrees Fahrenheit and rains liquid metal. What you wouldn’t give for a nice, cold drink right about now. A nice, tall, cold glass of ice water. Mmmmmm. I’m drinking mine right now. Ahhh. That’s refreshing.   

Pisces (February 20 to March 20)

Old icon: Fish

New icon: Field and Stream magazine

Your planet used to be Pluto, but you dodged a bullet when you whimsically changed it to Saturn a week before Pluto was demoted to dwarf planet. But much like in a Final Destination movie, you can’t escape your destiny. You will be demoted at work. I’d say I feel bad for you, but perhaps you should not have looked at all than online porn when you were supposed to be filing invoices.

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News round-up: You’d better practice saying “Holy Crap!” before you read this

Scientists discover new species of living doornail

An artist's rendition of clavo animaxus, the living doornail.

 ARGENTINA – People who rely heavily on clichés were dealt a major blow this week when South American scientists found a new species of living doornail in the Andes Mountains. Researchers say these hardy creatures, dubbed clavo animaxus, are the first of their kind observed in the wild.

“This forces us to rethink our understanding of evolution in the Southern Hemisphere,” explains Dr. Jacinto Molina of Buenos Aires Tech, who led the expedition. “Maybe the lowly doornail, long a victim of unwarranted derision, will finally take its rightful place in the biological record.”

Not everyone is so enthused about the find.

“All’s fair in love and war,” says cliché user Pinky Middleton, “but I’m still bummed they let this cat out of the bag. Now what will I say? Dead as a window latch?”

Middleton says he’ll move on rather than beat a dead horse. “I have to think outside the box and develop a new phrase before all hell breaks loose.”

Dr. Molina, who has courted controversy in the past by opening up cans of worms, is expected to head to southwestern Africa next month in an attempt to prove a bird in the hand is worth three in the bush.

 

Triton defeats Pluto to win Solar System Cup

 

NEPTUNE – An upset-laden Solar System Cup tournament ended yesterday with Triton, Neptune’s largest moon, defeating the dwarf planet Pluto 2-0. The victory was Triton’s first in 75 years.

The football match went scoreless for 70 minutes until Team Triton was awarded a penalty kick and netted the eventual game winner on the play. The shooter, Fleg!drom !Grensifle?don, also assisted on an insurance goal by Gaaa’aaabnx ten minutes later. Bill Jones, the losing goaltender for Pluto, was killed by an angry mob shortly after the game, in keeping with tradition.

Most experts were shocked to see two underdog teams playing for the championship while heavy favorites Saturn, Jupiter, and Earth watched from the sidelines. Teams that train in low-gravity environments have seldom made it to the medal round in the past, but all that changed this year.

“This outcome proves the sport has reached an unprecedented level of parity,” says Interplanetary Football Federation president <^>, though she can’t have been happy with the dismal TV ratings that resulted from a lack of star players appearing in the final.

On Pluto, riots broke out after the loss, with many fans incensed by what they saw as biased refereeing. Several boulders were overturned and clouds of methane gas were dispersed during the melee.

“Hooligans!” says Henry Grady, a pub owner in Great Britain and follower of Manchester United, the local team. “Them Plutonians give a bloody bad name to us football fans.”

Stunner: FBI probe finds Times Square isn’t square at all!

 

NEW YORK – FBI analysts, studying maps of midtown Manhattan and performing on-site measurements, have discovered Times Square is closer in shape to an “X” than a square.

“An X is an approximation,” FBI Deputy Director Fred Sternly said at a press conference this weekend. “It’s more like two huge shoelaces laid side by side for a few blocks and then forking away from each other at the north and south ends. There’s no word for that shape, but it’s surely not a square.”

The intersection of 7^th Avenue and Broadway is famous for hosting the world’s biggest News Year’s Eve celebration every year, but anger over the FBI’s shocking revelation is likely to drive partiers elsewhere this winter.

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg is scrambling to downplay the controversy, but the problem won’t be going away any time soon: The Obama administration has just announced it will bring federal charges against the city for misnaming the tourist spot.

“We always do this,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs on NBC’s Meet the Press yesterday.  “It makes people happy when we threaten unpopular things with federal charges.”