By Robotman
Imported Japanese cutlery has revolutionized cannibalism (art by Mark Armstrong © 2011)
After two years living amongst the tribes of the Amazon rainforest, I return to civilization, as we call it, to share a few delicious vegetarian recipes with you. I picked these up from the Otrebmu, a small group of cannibals in northwest Brazil.
Vegetarian meat is quite versatile, as it is very tender – one might even say “compassionate” – and flavorful. Be careful when selecting your cut to determine if it’s from a grain-fed human or one who was raised on dairy products, as the latter can have a slightly gamey scent.
The most popular traditional recipe in the mangrove swamps around the Amazon River’s many tributaries is called “ruggero deodato” by the locals, or Boiled Human la Viande.
Prep time: 25 minutes
Cook time: 1 to 2 hours
Ingredients
50 chopped carrots
50 chopped celery stalks
One 60-gallon iron pot, filled with broth
Fire
One human, vegetarian
Directions
1. Heat water to 95 degrees
2. Place human in water
3. Boil until the human stops screaming
4. Simmer for 45 minutes. For al dente, remove after 30 minutes.
5. Season to taste.
Serves 30.
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Ok, that was an easy one. Tomorrow, I’ll teach you a fabulous barbeque recipe that involves eviscerating a live human and shoving hot coals into its thoracic cavity, with detailed illustrations! Mmmm. I’ll also show you what to do with the giblets.*
Bon appétit!
* Laws about cannibalism vary from state to state. We suggest you check with local culinary enforcement officials before killing and eating a person, vegetarian or otherwise.
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Today’s totally original and brilliant illustration brought to you by the lovely and talented Mark Armstrong. Check out more of Mark’s artwork on his Web site.
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THE ANVIL 