THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Archive for August, 2010

Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide

Posted by oldancestor on August 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Two of the 20th century's most beloved product icons, The Kool-Aid Man and Peppy McDeath, are working together again

WASHINGTON DC – At a Glenn Beck rally held in Washington DC yesterday, event organizers were embarrassed when it was discovered there was not enough cyanide to go around. Approximately half of the 50,000 people in attendance had to drink straight Kool-Aid and didn’t die.

Beck, host of a popular Fox News television show and author of several books someone else actually wrote*, was in town to commemorate the thirty-first-and-three-quarters-of-a-year anniversary of the Jonestown Massacre, which took place in Guyana in 1978 and claimed the lives of over 900 Americans. Earlier in the week, Beck had vowed to “take back mass-suicide cultism from South America.”

Several survivors of yesterday’s rally left disappointed.

“He [Beck] told us the only way to make America good again was to swallow the little orange pill,” said attendee Pinky Middleton, 28, of Misdirected Anger, Indiana. “He said spaceships would come down and take President Obama back to Ceti Alpha Five. I didn’t get no pill, and I didn’t see no spaceships.”

It could not be independently confirmed if spaceships came for the President after the mass suicide took place.

Beck was unavailable for comment, but his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer, told The Anvil via telephone this morning, “There was, like, a problem with the metric system? So, like, we had twice a much cups of Kool-Aid?”

She also said, “This is why Mr. Beck thinks the metric system is un-American, because, like, they use different number systems there. President Obama wants to socialize number systems, which we need to not allow, moreover.”

The White House was busy setting up its ObamaCam second-by-second vacation-activity media tracker and would not respond to Ditzmeyer’s comments. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was only willing to say, “Not now. The President is eating a bowl of Cheerios and I need to write a press release about it.”

Sarah Palin, the keynote speaker at Beck’s rally and also a fake author****, defended event organizers responsible for the cyanide shortage while managing to take a shot at the President at the same time.

“People… real people like you and me… we like Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is good enough for us,” she said. “Unlike our elitist, out-of-touch President who eats cereal shaped like the first letter of his last name. Nope. Kool-Aid is for honest, hard-working Americans, like those that came to see me speak.”

The fruity beverage, which event organizers were selling for $20 a cup, is noted for its effectiveness in dissolving poison capsules, thus making it the world’s most popular powdered drink at mass-suicide events. A representative for the manufacturer claims that the company shipped over 100,000 packets to Beck’s rally and always welcomes the free publicity that accompanies a lurid news story involving its product.

In business news, television host Glenn Beck reportedly purchased stock in Kool-Aid Incorporated last week, just before a massive order was shipped to his rally in downtown Washington, DC.

“People are, like, complaining that 25,000 attendees only got straight Kool-Aid with no cyanide,” says his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer. “But, you know, 25,000 others did get cyanide. I wonder why you’re not asking them if they are satisfied. Is it because of left-wing media bias? I think it is.”

In employment news, the city of Washington in the District of Columbia is looking to hire one-thousand corpse haulers, on a temporary basis. Carts will be supplied.     

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*possibly, maybe**

** I don’t want to get sued for libel***

***Come on. Like he actually sat down for a year and typed out multiple drafts of a novel without any formal training as a writer. Give me a f—ing break. That’s insulting to anyone who writes.

**** Seriously. How can someone who writes reminders on her freaking hand possibly author a book?*****

*****Just kidding, Sarah darling. You know I love you. Pssst. Call me next time Todd is away at some secessionist meeting.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

Residents of Smithereens sick of all the debris

Posted by oldancestor on August 22, 2010

“Where’s our telethon?” – Pinky Middleton, angry resident

By Eric J Baker

Guinevere Stovepipe, 40, displays the four skulls and a jawbone that have landed in her yard this year

SMITHEREENS, IDAHO – Mary Jane Trouserpocket is like a lot of Americans. She lives in a ranch house in a small suburb. She drives a Honda. She has a husband and a crystal meth habit.

Unlike the rest of us, though, she has to live in constant fear of exploded debris falling on her head.

Mary Jane lives in Smithereens, Idaho, the destination of most ash and shrapnel produced by America’s biggest, least-expected explosions. She, like other residents of the town, has been forced to set up a canopy over her house and pay a local landscaping company to remove the gray powder from her driveway and yard once a week.

“It’s bad enough that the dusty bits get in my clothes,” she says, “but we’ve had some pretty big chunks come down. The people across the street lost two cars this year to falling metal. The insurance company won’t pay.”

After pausing to wipe away tears, Mary Jane adds, “We moved here from Timbuktu to get away from these kinds of problems.”

Scientists studying the phenomenon are at a loss to explain why so much detritus ends up in the town and surrounding hills. Steven Offal, a geologist from Detroit University Online, has been taking core samples for the past two weeks in the hopes of accomplishing something.

“These core samples are useless, as far as I can tell,” he says. “I have this cool core sampler thingamajig that the university paid a lot of money for, so I might as well use it.”

Offal is confident of one thing, however.

“There is going to be a massive explosion somewhere, and it is imminent. This town MUST be evacuated!”

Nonsense, says David Dross, the mayor of Smithereens and owner of the local saw mill. “The annual town fair is this weekend. Everyone is going to be there, and I will not cancel it. In fact, I’m going to have the sheriff, who’s also my brother, run that geologist out of town. Imagine, these fancy city folk coming in here and telling us how to manage our affairs.”

Will everyone in town really be at the fair? Don’t expect to see Mary Jane Trouserpocket there.

“I don’t want to be standing there eating cotton candy in the middle of a big, old field when all that flotsam comes raining down. I’m packing up the Honda tonight and clearing out.”

But where will she go? The nearest town, All Recognition, is 40 miles away, close enough to be considered the edge of the debris zone.

“No,” she says, “there’s another town beyond All Recognition. It’s called Burnt.”

Indeed, the people of Burnt seldom experience the bizarre phenomenon that regularly afflicts their neighbors in Smithereens, but records do show an inordinate amount of intense fires.

“I’ll take my chances,” says Mary Jane, as she loads two lidless, five-gallon containers of gasoline into the cargo area of her CRV and lights a cigarette. “I just don’t want run out of gas as I flee the falling debris.”

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , | 15 Comments »

WikiLeaks to release internet sex tape featuring President Obama, General McChrystal, and – surprise – Dick Cheney!

Posted by oldancestor on August 20, 2010

This is the only image we can show you from the tape, due to its racy content

By Eric J Baker

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA – International whistleblowing organization WikiLeaks, which recently made headlines by posting top-secret Pentagon papers relating to the war in Afghanistan on its website, is set to raise the stakes again in its often contentious relationship with the US Government by releasing a controversial sex tape to the public.

WikiLeaks founder Helmut Kaiser (who declined to be interviewed for this story) claimed on his organization’s Web site yesterday that the tape, purportedly featuring President Obama, retired General Stanley McChrystal, and former Vice President Dick Cheney in an illicit encounter, will prove that, “the new boss is the same as the old boss.”

The Anvil was able to obtain a copy of the tape, which, upon being viewed, revealed itself to be shaky, grainy, and not the least bit hot. Following one sequence at approximately the 12-minute mark, viewers may be reminded of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident in 2006, when the Vice President fired his weapon into the face of attorney Harry Whittington.

Poor photography aside, the tape raises surprising questions about political relationships, behind-the-scenes war planning, and Brazilian waxing for men.

“I thought Obama was a socialist, despite actions that are a virtually the same as those of George W Bush,” said popular Fox News television personality and conservative Sean Hannity. “This Dick Cheney connection has made me rethink my belief system. Because, you know, I’m a thinker.”

Rival news pundit Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said of the tape’s existence, “Ew.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied last night that it was President Obama on the tape, claiming instead “it’s that guy from the ‘Whoomp, there it is’ video.”

A WikiLeaks employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the uncensored sex tape will be posted online by tomorrow night. The worker also said viewers should watch to the end, despite the stomach-churning images, when it is revealed that General McChrystal was asked to step down as Commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan not for publicly criticizing the Obama administration, as was reported, but because he’s “nothin’ but a playa.”

This, according to the words of Dick Cheney, says the anonymous employee.

WikiLeaks, founded in 2006, professes to stand for public access to information, journalistic integrity, freedom of speech, and the joy of pissing people off. The Anvil has frequently been cited by the organization as the benchmark in fair, unbiased, and open fake news, particularly for our hard-hitting coverage of the Lindsay Lohan saga.

As Wiki’s main man himself, Helmut Kaiser, famously said in 2008, “Everything they say is completely fabricated, but, if it weren’t, it would be the place to go for truth and accuracy in reporting. The Anvil never makes the story about them, like some news journals do, and they don’t allow praise or favoritism to influence their total integrity.”

You should send money to Helmut Kaiser.

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Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Wicked Witch supports Christians’ ‘right’ to build a church in Salem

Posted by oldancestor on August 17, 2010

How long can the uneasy truce between Christians and Witches last?

SALEM, MASS – With all the controversy surrounding the proposed “Burnt Stake Church” that is to be built on the site of the infamous Salem Witch Trial executions of the 17th century, beleaguered Christians are finding support from a surprising source: The Wicked Witch of the East.

The Wicked Witch shocked Wiccans across the country Monday when she told CNN’s Larry King, “Christians have a right to worship there. Look, a bunch of witches were burned 400 years ago by some extremists who had more political than religious motivation for doing so. Those actions don’t represent the views of today’s moderate Christians.”

We caught up with the Wicked Witch of the East today and asked her to shed some smoke on her controversial comments [this interview was conducted by crystal ball]:

The Anvil: Can you explain your comments from last night’s Larry King Live broadcast? A lot of Wiccans are angry with you today.

WWOTE: There’s a big shift toward conservatism in witchery these days, unfortunately. I think it’s a reaction to the Blair Witch Project and Charmed. Some witches want to get back to putting curses on firstborns and cooking children. But times have changed. Wiccans and Christians have been tolerating each other for years. Move on, people.

The Anvil: But you, yourself, as recently as 100 years ago, were demanding dwarf sacrifices and calling for, I quote, “the powers of wind and fire to roast the city of Salem, including its people, and its little dogs, too, after which the greatest Wiccan temple will be constructed upon the scorched bones of the dead.”

WWOTE: I said that? I guess I’ve mellowed over the years. Once, some chick’s house landed on me – just fell right out of the friggin’ sky – and almost crushed me. I kid you not. A near-death experience like that changes your perspective.

The Anvil: What does your sister, The Wicked Witch of the West, say about all this controversy?

WWOTE: Well I’m not a surveillance camera, so how should I know?

The Anvil: You don’t keep in contact with her?

WWOTE: She’s in a perpetual state of war against Oz. Her castle’s economy hinges on it. But everybody knows you can’t conquer OZ. You can occupy it for a little while, but you’ll never conquer it. Of course, all they have to do is throw water on us and we’re pretty much done.

The Anvil: She harbors no ill will toward Christians?

WWOTE: She doesn’t give a crap. She’s been trying to capture the Wizard for years. Supposedly he’s hiding out in the mountains behind Oz, but who can say? So why are you so obsessed with Christians? Is this a religious Web site?

The Anvil: This is a secular news journal

WWOTE: Secular? What’s that? Vampires?

 The Anvil: Have you heard what Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, thinks of the Salem church controversy? She’s good, but can she be so good as to not be angry that witches were burned at the stake? It could have been her.

WWOTE: Glinda? She’s a c***.

The Anvil: Ouch. You are a witch.

WWOTE: You had doubts?

The Anvil: I have to admit, you haven’t done anything too magical since we’ve been talking.

WWOTE: How about now?

The Anvil: Ribbit. Ribbet… Ribbit.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , | 9 Comments »

Earthquakes caused by angels’ incompetent bowling

Posted by oldancestor on August 15, 2010

“I thought they were supposed to watch over us!”

– Quake survivor

 

By Eric J Baker

The Pentagon's new AngelKiller 7000 attack helicopter. "We'll do what we must," says General Petraeus.

DETROIT, MI – Until 1970, scientists believed thunder was the sound of shock waves caused by the rapid expansion of superheated air following a lightning strike. That’s when Detroit University Online geophysicist Cracky McShake put forth the controversial theory that thunder was actually the sound of angels bowling. He was later proven right and went on to win the Nobel Prize for Science.

Now, 40 years later, Professor McShake is making headlines again. In this month’s issue of Seismology Today, the septuagenarian is claiming that earthquakes are caused by those same angels throwing gutter balls. 

“It’s simple,” says McShake. “Clouds are the lanes, those balls weigh fifty thousand tons each, and we’re the gutter. Not to sound overly technical, but when that ball impacts the planet’s surface, everything gets all vibratey and fally, and people run around going ‘AHHHHHH!!!’ Otherwise known as an earthquake.”

Though Dr. McShake’s theory prevails throughout much of the scientific world, not everyone agrees.

“Can anyone explain to me the absence of ball fragments?” asks geologist Gyro Spanakopita of Athens University in Greece. Spanakopita has visited the site of several recent quakes and has yet to find such fragments or, perhaps even more telling, evidence of impact craters.

Dr. McShake responded by saying, “We can’t think of angel balls as actual balls. They’re metaphysical balls. When you’re dealing with science, you just have to have faith.”

Televangelist Pat Robertson was quick to seize the Professor’s findings and put his own spin on them.

“Have you noticed that earthquakes usually strike in places where incorrect religions are practiced?” Robertson asked viewers of his show, The 700 Club, last night. “Where the professor and I differ is that I believe the angels are throwing those balls on purpose and saying, ‘F**k you, you heathen scum.’”

He later added, “Now let us pray.”

While McShake doesn’t openly dispute Robertson’s words, he did distance himself from the notion of wrathful judgment.

“I think what we need to do is find out why angels are so goddamned bad at bowling,” he said.

A small number of scientists, mostly weirdoes from community colleges and science-fiction films, have suggested the Earth goes through geologic cycles on a scale too broad for laymen to comprehend, hence the appearance of a looming Armageddon every time seismic activity spikes. They also point out that human population has more than doubled in the past century. As a result, a heavier concentration of people living along fault lines engenders a higher risk of structural damage and casualties when a quake does strike.

Those scientists are most likely misinformed idiots worshiping at the false idol of reason, say Internet posters.

McShake believes the best way humans can protect themselves is if all the world’s children write messages of peace to the angels (requesting that they, perhaps, take up billiards instead), attach them to helium balloons, and release them.

“But make sure you’re polite,” he warns kids, “or you might not wake up the next morning.”

Satan, former overlord of Hell but now unemployed, was quoted as telling mankind, “With friends like these, who needs me?”

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Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , | 9 Comments »

Aliens are stealing all the good jobs!

Posted by oldancestor on August 13, 2010

An editorial by Lennie

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As just another one of the countless ignorant masses*, you don’t have access to information that we, the media elite, are privy to. But unlike my brethren, I don’t hide the truth. I’m just going to say it:

Aliens are stealing our jobs.

You may not like what I’m about to tell you, but it must be explained, for the future of our nation depends on it.

I just found out there are about 8 million fewer jobs today than there were three years ago, and the government doesn’t know where they went. I looked on Yahoo and a lot of people were saying “Illegal aliens are taking all the good jobs!” At first I was like, duh. There’s no law on the books that says aliens are illegal. Besides, how could we arrest them if they were? They have spaceships that fly faster than light. We have cop cars. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do that math.

Seriously, rocket scientists have more important things to do than think about obvious stuff. Like building flying cops cars maybe?

But then I read on one of the Internets that a Youtube video of an alien ship in Brazil can’t possibly be fake. Now, I’m no rocket scientist (didn’t we go over that already?), but I’m starting to see a conspiracy. You should know I’m not one of those paranoid people who believes every little conspiracy that comes along, but there are a few we know to be true:

1. An alien spacecraft is being stored at Area 51 in Loch Ness, Scotland

2. The moon landing was filmed by aliens (who else could have held the camera for Neil Peart when he stepped off the Eagle Has Landed to set foot on the moon for the first time?)

3. Michael Jackson

Factor these elements in with 8,000,000 missing jobs; millions of erudite, informed, and not-the-least-bit-wacky Yahoo users saying aliens took those jobs; and aliens that come and go as they please, and there is only one inescapable conclusion:

It would have been pretty dramatic if I started this paragraph with “Aliens are stealing our jobs,” but I did that earlier in this story, and doing it twice would make me look kind of stupid [never – Ed.].

Even the entertainment business is suffering. Lindsay Lohan was just fired from the upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. That makes the score: 8,000,001 jobs – Aliens, zero jobs – Humans.

What are these extraterrestrials doing with these jobs? There is only one inescapable conclusion:

Aliens are using our jobs for food.

Perhaps their planet has no food left and they eat jobs there. Sure, that seems weird, but stop being so close-minded and ignorant to the wonders of science. Just because we eat gummy bears and marshmallowy orange peanuts, it doesn’t mean aliens have to eat real food too.

I urge you all to write your local Secretary of Defense and demand the government spend more money to stop aliens from taking our jobs. As of right now, we have exactly one International Space Station protecting Earth from invasion.

Hi. The Earth has two sides. Any alien with half a brain (although that might be normal on their planet… keep an open mind!) will just sneak up from the other side.

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*There are 281,740,611 of you to be exact. Man, you guys are breeding like jackrabbits.

***

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Federal Judge rules that ALL weddings are gay

Posted by oldancestor on August 10, 2010

Then what does the finger in the ring mean? Yikes!

 

By Eric J Baker

"Gay dinosaurs never got married, so why should gay humans?" argue anti-gay-marriage activists

  WASHINGTON DC – A federal judge ruled yesterday that all weddings in America are “kinda gay,” instantly throwing the gay-marriage debate into disarray.

Integrated circuit judge Johnny Dangerous said in his ruling that “frilly dresses, foofy tuxedo chest things, flowers, and DJs playing Celebration by Kool and the Gang are all kinda gay, if you think about it. Gay in the way you call fruity things ‘gay’ when you’re in high school.”

Judge Dangerous also said he made his decision based not on legal precedent but on a book he read that was published in 1902 entitled How to have a Gay Wedding.

“It pretty much seemed like normal wedding stuff in there,” the judge said. “I couldn’t tell the difference. So, as far as I’m concerned, there is no difference. End of debate. Next.”

Not so fast, typed a reporter who lacks the creativity to avoid clichéd segues. Conservative groups are angry and vowing to fight back.

“No activist judge is going to tell me that me and my wife are gay!” said Chester Tool, 58, of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma and founder of Americans Against Homo Sapiens.

The group said it will urge the government to amend the Constitution so that judges can’t rule against their point of view anymore.

“We want to stop them from messin’ with the Constitution,” says Tool. “We hope to get rid of the judicial system all together. It’s un-American.”

Meanwhile, the ruling was lauded by gay-marriage proponents, college students, and atheists.

“It’s a sign that times are changing,” says racially and sexually ambiguous Seton Hall University junior, Terrence Hip, who sometimes poses for display posters in shopping mall clothing stores. “Everyone said Duran Duran’s music was gay back in the 1980s, but now look how cool they are.”

When asked why she supported the ruling, atheist Patchouli Johnson said, “I don’t know. Because it’s fun to piss people off?”

Even more elated are the millions and millions of Americans who want to marry their pets and will now be able to, thanks to the precedent set by yesterday’s judicial decision.

Unfortunately, none could be located for comment.

To get a response to the non-response, The Anvil repeatedly attempted to contact the conservative watchdog group, America Safe. Just before this article went to press, an unidentified man from the organization called our offices and said, “Dude, we are a watch dog group. Not a ‘watchdog’ group. We advocate for the ownership and pet care of watch dogs. You know, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, Dobermans. We don’t care about any of the stuff you’re talking about.”

He went on to say, “Don’t make me get another restraining order.”

Stay tuned to The Anvil for more on this breaking story as it develops!

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Satan ousted as CEO of Hell

Posted by oldancestor on August 8, 2010

Is Wall Street interested?

By Eric J Baker

 

Satan, being escorted from his office by security demons shortly after learning of his termination this morning

THE UNDERWORLD – In a move many economists and theologians are calling long overdue, the board of directors for Hell announced today that Satan is being replaced as CEO. The once-profitable corporation has seen its stock value tumble in recent years, and a series of questionable business decisions has left many investors wary, leading to the devil’s ouster.

Pazuzu, chairman of Hell’s board of directors, told reporters this morning, “We thank Satan for his millennia of service and wish him well in his future endeavors.”

Satan, the only CEO Hell has ever had, leaves behind a rich history of corrupting the human race and propagating evil. But he also faces criticism for being too slow to respond to changes in market trends and society in general.

“Where’s the ‘net presence?” asks economist Regan MacNeil. “How about Twitter? Facebook? Other than a few 1980s heavy metal bands and the High School Musical movies, Hell hasn’t been doing a very good job of getting its message out.”

Others point to devalued holdings and costly expenditures as the key culprits behind the organization’s woes.

Says Princeton University business analyst Herbert West, “Satan collected way too many souls. They’re like junk bonds now. All those people were going to Hell anyway, so he was just buying his own stock, in a sense.”

West also says the purchase of several black holes at the center of the Milky Way galaxy was a gross misuse of funds.

“In theory, if you’re a destroyer of worlds, what better to way do that than with a black hole? In practice, though, no one cares about black holes. The nearest one is a gajillion miles away.”

Some of Hell’s staffers aren’t disappointed to see Satan go.

“It was always ‘Jesus this’ and ‘Jesus that’ with him,” says Footumpsh, a demon who throws the damned into a lake of fire for a living. “Frankly, I don’t believe in all that religious stuff. I’m an atheist and don’t want god shoved down my throat all day.”

So far, Hell has been able to avoid the layoffs that plagued so many other companies during the recent recession, and because of its unique status as the sole provider of eternal damnation, it can’t go out of business. Still, some will face an uncertain future without Satan at the helm.

Brother Sean, an Irish monk, worries about the fate of his archrival, the friar. “Everyone knows friars live next to Satan’s arse-hole,” he says. “So will they go with Satan or have to find a new arse?”

Hell has yet to hint at a candidate to replace the outgoing devil, though many experts believe it will be either Dick Cheney or the comedian Carrot Top. If the rumors are true, it would be the first time a human or a human-vegetable hybrid has held a position of authority in the underworld.

“I think going with a human is a forward-thinking choice,” says MacNeil. “Who better to understand what tempts a human than a human?”

Using the parlance of Hell, can the board of directors afford to let the CEO seat go vacant until Cheney’s or Carrot Top’s current earthly “engagement” ends?

“Not a problem,” Footumpsh says. “Two things you need to know about Hell. One, we’re very patient down here. Two, there’s always room for one more.”

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

A round-up of the week’s most explosively super-unbelievable news stories!

Posted by oldancestor on August 5, 2010

Editorial note: It makes us sick that we have to do all this work rounding up and writing, and all you have to do is sit there clicking away without a care in the world, you lazy do nothings. Oh well. I guess someone has to write this junk. Here are your top stories of the week…

The Facts in the Case of M. Student Volunteer

 

BP service station takes 4 months to stop oil leak in guy’s car!

 

RANDOM, MN – A Minnesota man claimed this week that a BP gas station 70 miles west of Bloomington has had his 1999 Mitsubishi Gallant on a lift since April 20th, trying to repair an oil leak.

“It’s ridiculous,” says the man, 41-year-old Stanley Man’s-Laughter. “How hard is it to fix an oil leak? I’ve paid almost 6,000 dollars in car rental fees waiting for these guys.”

When reached for comment, the station’s owner, Tariq Azziz, said, “It’s hard to say how long it will take. It could be the oil pan. It could be the valve-cover gasket. Maybe the filter is loose. We just don’t know yet.”

The vehicle’s owner says he’s had enough.

“Why does this always happen to me? Nobody cares about me. I feel invisible. I want to scream ‘I AM STAN!’ at the top of my lungs. Does anyone care?”

Before we went to press, Man’s-Laughter dropped the apostrophe and hyphen from his name and went on a crazed shooting spree at the mall. Details at 11:00!

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Scientists discover how to have cake and eat it too!

           

PRINCETON, NJ – Physicists at Princeton University have finally conquered a challenge that has daunted man for centuries: How to have your cake and eat it too.

Employing principles of Quantum Mechanics, researchers were able to ‘create’ a slice of black-forest double-strawberry cake (with whipped-cream icing) in a Dirac Wave Chamber at the exact moment the same slice of cake was being eaten by a student volunteer seated across the room.

“This is the first time something larger than a subatomic article has been able to exist in two places at once,” explains lead researcher Herbert West, who heads the Quantum Physics department at Princeton. “The doppelganger cake only existed for about a third of a second, but we’ll extend that time as we conduct more experiments. One day, you’ll be able to visit your mother-in-law and stay home to watch the game at the same time. What do you think of that?”

While that sounds enticing, it may not happen in our lifetimes. The Dirac Chamber, once switched on, causes anyone in the same room to liquefy within 15 seconds.

“Admittedly a drawback,” laughs Dr. West.

West is looking for a new student volunteer, so those who are interested should contact the university’s Physics office.

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Banks finally reform into new shape: A raised middle finger

 

WASHINGTON, DC – Federal Reserve System engineers studying computer models have determined that the recently passed Banking Reform Law is causing the nation’s banking system to reform into a shape resembling a hand with a middle finger raised.

“We were afraid this would happen,” said an employee inside the Fed who declined to give his name. “But the numbers don’t lie. I swear I heard my computer laugh and say ‘f*ck y*u’ to me when it happened.”

In other economic news, yacht and mansion sales are brisk despite an allegedly poor consumer-confidence index, stagnant wages, and high unemployment.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Study shows Fake News journals depend too heavily on Zombie-themed articles

Posted by oldancestor on August 1, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Angry Pink Bunny, writer of the militant fake news journal, The Avocado

PRINCETON, NJ – A study published this week by Princeton University claims that a disproportionate number of fake news stories feature zombies, relative to the frequency with which actual zombie incidents appear in the news. According to researchers involved in the study, such a disparity could have dangerous consequences.

“Gullible people might read all these stories and start thinking the threat of a zombie apocalypse is very high, when, in fact, its probability is only around 20 percent,” says the university’s Media Studies professor, Herbert West. “If we, as the left-wing, east-coast elite, have one responsibility, it’s to protect the stupid from themselves. We believe in natural selection in theory, but not in practice.”

Purveyors of fake news are quick to refute West’s accusation.

“Stupid people don’t read fake news articles,” says Old Ancestor, 4023, editor of the fake news journal The Anvil. “They don’t understand the concept in the first place. Anyway, if some addle-brained stooge decides to build a zombie fortress in his back yard because of us, so what? It stimulates the economy.”

Another fake news periodical, The Avocado, known for its rather lurid headlines, has gone so far as to publish a scathing, though (possibly) fake, response this week entitled, “Princeton Professor Films Bestiality Porn in his Basement!”

Calls to The Avocado’s imaginary office seeking comment were not answered.

Head writer for The Anvil, Eric J Baker, takes a pragmatic view.

“You invent news stories that people read. A zombie story gets four or five times the number of Internet views that a story about Congress or the Supreme Court gets,” he says.

Not all fake news writers are pleased with the current zombie fad, though. Baker’s fellow Anvil scribe, Lacy Thundercake, will be more than happy the next time a giant Jesus statue burns down or some other inherently funny event takes place.

“It’s frustrating,” says Thundercake, 32, the journal’s entertainment reporter. “If it weren’t for Lindsay Lohan, I’d never get a byline. Why can’t Britney Spears murder Paris Hilton or something?”

Thundercake, who doesn’t exist, says zombies suck.

That’s just the kind of attitude that has real-life zombie Francisco Conquistador angry. The Spaniard, who became zombified in the Caribbean over 400 years ago, believes film, comic book, and fake news treatment of zombies has created a grossly distorted image with the public.

“Zombies are not rotting, flesh-eating monsters returned from the grave,” he explains. “That’s just stupid. We’re the undead victims of a voodoo spell.”

Conquistador, who, save for a trance-like stare, appears human, insists he has no desire to kill anyone and that there are hardly enough voodoo practitioners left in the world to bring about any kind of apocalypse.

“Fake news stories about zombies just aren’t funny,” he says.

While that view is open to debate, he has precedent on his side. In a little-known Supreme Court case from 1954, Fake news v. People who think it’s stupid, the court ruled that fake news can be funny when it’s topical, but when current events don’t lend themselves to humorous interpretation or satire, fake news becomes stupid.

Anvil editor Old Ancestor isn’t interested in real zombies or the Supreme Court.

“How does the Supreme Court know what’s funny?” he asks. “If you can find nine people on this planet who are more humor-deficient than those guys, let me know.”

Ancestor also questions the validity of the so-called legitimate news media. “How do we know what they say is true? Reality is not a concrete thing. It’s changeable. How do you know what’s around you is real? How does the person reading this article know he or she is real? Maybe there’s another universe where all this zombie stuff really happens and they write fake news articles about the real stuff that happens here.”

In response to Ancestor’s words, The Anvil’s head writer Baker said, “This is why we don’t let editors write. They say stupid sh*t.”

NEXT WEEK: Existentialism in fake news… Too esoteric? 

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