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Posted by ericjbaker on March 25, 2015

Wizard of Oz

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ROMNEY DEFEATS OBAMA!

Posted by ericjbaker on November 7, 2012

by Lennie

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Dracuquake Levels Cleveland!

Posted by ericjbaker on October 29, 2012

By Lacy Thundercake

This map of Cleveland shows six concentric circles, which the city’s mayor wants to reduce to a more manageable three by 2016.

CLEVELAND – With the east coast still in the grips of an 800-mile-wide Frankenstorm, our nation was dealt a further blow tonight when Cleveland, Ohio suffered a Dracuquake measuring 7.5 on the Richter scale. The extent of the damage is not yet known, but authorities are hoping the quake will be killed when the sun rises tomorrow morning.

At a televised press conference that concluded a short time ago, Cleveland mayor Jonathan Harker implored residents to stay out of damaged buildings and to wait calmly for Red Cross personnel to deliver “food, blankets, water, and garlic.”

It is not known what effect a red cross with arms of equal length will have on the Dracuquake.

Harker also advised Clevelanders to tune into The Weather Channel for further updates. “I know this is more of a geological event than a metrological one,” the mayor said, “but I get kickbacks every time I mention them and need money for attack ads.”

The Anvil contacted Weather Channel spokesperson Judy Drench for a response to Harker’s comments.

“A Dracuquake is too weather,” she said. “If it happens outside, it’s weather. Well, a football game isn’t weather I suppose, but we’re not a sports channel, so I can’t comment on that.”

When asked for a response both to the mayor’s comments and Drench’s subsequent response, meteorologist and frequent Anvil contributor Pinky Middleton said he didn’t know why those who study weather are called meteorologists.

“I got into this [expletive deleted] to look at space rocks,” he explained. “Excuse me for using logic. I guess I should have signed up for ‘cloudology.’ I’d probably be on my way to the asteroid belt right now with a fat NASA paycheck, a badass spacesuit, and more chicks than I can handle.”

Middleton did warn east coasters to be on the lookout for Were-nados, which are often spawned by Frankenstorms.

“Those things can get pretty hairy,” he said.

In other natural disaster-related news, scientists in Washington State are currently monitoring seismic activity at Mount St. Helens, site of a massive explosion in 1980 that destroyed hundreds of homes and leveled miles of forest. No one from the Weather Channel was willing to comment, but sources say experts fear a Creature From the Black Lagooncanic eruption on the magnitude of the Mount Pinatubo blast that rocked the Philippines in 1991.

Posted in Breaking News!, Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Mitt Romney in a Landslide

Posted by oldancestor on March 14, 2012

Romney, just hours before disaster struck.

 

By Lacy Thundercake

JAKARTA – Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney narrowly escaped injury in Indonesia today when heavy rains caused a landslide that washed away part of a village where he was campaigning.

The working-class, blue-collar politician was in Southeast Asia, where he owns several small countries, to drum up support for his candidacy. Thousands of locals had braved inclement weather to cheer on Michigan-born Romney, unaware the very ground they stood on was about to vanish.

“I keep telling people I have support in the south, and this proves it,” said a smiling Romney just moments after the landslide occurred.

400 people were killed in the disaster.

In other election news, never-say-die GOP hopeful Rick Santorum planted himself in a flower pot today.

“What’s good for plants is good for people,” said Santorum as campaign volunteers buried him up to his chest in black potting soil.

The politician drew attention earlier this week when he told attendees at an energy summit in Mississippi that carbon dioxide was not harmful to the atmosphere. “Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is,” Santorum is quoted as saying.*

Phone messages from The Anvil left at Santorum’s campaign headquarters offering to put the former Pennsylvania senator in a room with nothing but carbon dioxide to breathe for 10 hours were not returned.

When asked by reporters at the potting ceremony if he had blood or chlorophyll in his veins, Santorum said, “Chlorophyll is junk science.”

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 * If you think I made that up, you’re wrong. You can read the quote right here.

Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

God sues Rick Santorum for defamation

Posted by oldancestor on February 26, 2012

The Plaintiff

 

By Lacy Thundercake

FAIRFAX, VA – God, the reclusive eccentric credited by some for creating the universe, filed suit against GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum in Virginia today, citing defamation of character.

David Leibowitz, the attorney representing God, told reporters at the Fairfax County courthouse this afternoon, “Mr. Santorum continues to tell people what God wants and doesn’t want, despite several lightning bolts striking near his campaign bus as a friendly warning. We wish to make it clear to voters: God has not endorsed Rick Santorum or any other candidate. He’s a registered independent.”

As former Pennsylvania senator Santorum continues to garner national attention in the Republican primary race, several controversial statements he made in the past have emerged, including a comment that President Obama’s agenda is based on a “phony theology,” and, more recently, that there is no such thing as a liberal Christian.

In response to the lawsuit, Santorum’s campaign spokesperson Damien Thorn told Fox News, “Only the Senator speaks God’s word and knows his will. Come on, who are you going to believe, some bearded old hermit or the man who stood up for conservative family values in Pennsylvania for two terms?”

Thorn dismissed criticisms that Santorum is too focused on religion to serve in a secular government, saying, “The phrase ‘separation of church and state’ appears nowhere in the Constitution.”

When reached by phone at his toy factory near the North Pole, God told The Anvil, “You know what else doesn’t appear in the Constitution? The words ‘God,’ ‘Jesus,’ or ‘Christian.’ In other words, if I’d wanted America to be a theocracy, I’d have put the Taliban there, not Thomas Jefferson.”

God also said, “Eh, it wasn’t a problem,” in answering how he was able to file suit on the weekend when the courts are closed.

Santorum has made other controversial statements about religion in the past. In a speech before a Catholic university in 2008, he claimed that Satan was targeting America, though he did not specify the nature of the looming attack.   

When asked for specifics about Satan’s plan this afternoon, Santorum’s spokesperson turned red; sprouted horns, cloven feet, and a pointed tail; and said, without moving his lips, “In time you will know. Muahahahahahaha!”

It was not immediately clear what he meant.

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Dearest Anvil readers, I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. That’s right… I’ve joined the crowd and created my own writing blog. I wanted a central place from which to link all my stories, fake news articles, and PFC columns. It’s pretty sparse yet, but there’s more to come.

Click here to check it out.

Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

Door hit Kim Jong Il’s ass on the way out, despite warnings

Posted by oldancestor on December 30, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kim Jong Il in happier times, when he was less dead.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – 2011 was already shaping up to be the worst year on record for evil scumbags when it was learned yesterday that the asses of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Libyan fashionista Moammar Gadhafi, and North Korean hair model Kim Jong Il were all struck by the door on the way out. This despite repeated warnings from colloquial English speakers not to let it happen.

Discovery of the ass-hitting provided small consolation for those who believe the three men, all of whom died this year, did not suffer enough in passing.

“I’d like to have seen them dipped in honey and covered in fire ants, and then I would have watched as the ants slowly ate away at their flesh over several days, only to have someone come along and rub salt into their open wounds. But not enough to kill them, just enough to make them get all screamed out before someone else came along and ripped their finger nails off with pliers and then took a hammer and chisel to their teeth right before pouring boiling oil all over them and then, once they cooled off, sending in some baboons to rape them in the ears and eye sockets for fifteen hours,” said the Dalai Lama, a noted pacifist. “But I’ll take the ass smacking.”

Not everyone was so happy to hear the news.

“Evil took at hit in 2011, no doubt,” laments Pinky Middleton, owner of In Yo Face, Ltd., a company that sells novelty shooting targets featuring the likenesses of international villains. “I’m sitting a pile of inventory depicting people no one wants to pretend shoot anymore. Ah, well. Maybe Celine Dion will put out an album this year.”

The ass-hitting incident was discovered by NASA’s newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. It can also take soil samples.

In related but less-important news, NASA scientists discovered the meaning of life, the origin of the universe, and whether God exists yesterday using their newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. Details are available on The Anvil Pro Edition, available now for a low introductory subscription rate of $39.99 per month.*

 

 

*put the money inside a stuffed giraffe and leave it behind the cardboard recycling dumpster across the parking lot from my apartment tonight. Dont let anyone see you, especially NASA, though thats a fruitless endeavor these days, isnt it?

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Posted in Breaking News!, Science, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll

Posted by oldancestor on December 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Colonel Klink promises free colorectal exams for all

Des Moines, IA – GOP presidential hopeful Colonel Klink has topped our most recent election poll, largely on the strength of his nein, nein, nein tax plan, which, roughly translated, means, “No, no, no” new taxes. He led Newt Gingrich 22 percent to 18 percent in the survey of likely Republican voters conducted yesterday.

 

Klink was campaigning in Des Moines last night, where he told supporters he stands for “freedom, accountability, and competence in government.” He also said that if he does not win the upcoming Iowa caucuses, he has a panzer tank division standing by to take the state by force. 

 

Fellow GOP candidate Gingrich, in trying to fend off attacks from his rival, got himself into trouble Friday by comparing Klink’s campaign ads to Nazi propaganda and by referring to Klink himself as “Herr Commandant.”

 

When asked for a response to Gingrich’s comments, Klink said, “It’s pretty bad taste to imply someone is a Nazi. You just don’t do it. I assume he was joking, but there’s nothing funny about that period in history.”

 

He added, “For example, imagine if someone produced a TV sitcom set in a German prison camp in World War II. There’s no way that would be funny.”

 

Klink has thus far managed to avoid the scandals and controversies that have dogged other candidates and, in Herman Cain’s case, forced a withdrawal from the race. Despite having been born in Germany and, thus, being ineligible for the presidency, Klink has not faced any challenges from the so-called “birther” movement.

 

When The Anvil contacted the local chapter of the Flat-Birth Society to find out why they have not demanded that Klink’s birth records be made public, as they did with President Obama, the office’s spokesman Pinky Middleton said, “Because he’s white.”

 

Klink said he will no longer answer questions unrelated to domestic and foreign policy and referred all such inquiries to his campaign staff. In response to questions about Klink’s place of birth, opinions on TV sitcoms, and secret Nazi past, the candidate’s spokesman Sergeant Schultz told reporters today, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”  

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Newsflash: Nothing Happened Today

Posted by oldancestor on July 11, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The Sun and daytime... is there a connection?

EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.

White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.

“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”

Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”

NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”

She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”

With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.

 

The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.

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Dearest darling Anvil readers.
Please check out my new Pure Film Creative post where I obsess about DEATH,
continue to dazzle you with my knowledge of art,
and prattle on about the usual stuff: Lindsay Lohan, zombies, and attemtped murder
Click here to be enlightened.
!
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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 42 Comments »

One-armed man singlehandedly de-feets shoe burglar

Posted by oldancestor on June 21, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanted: sole mate

BOISE, ID – Bloodshed, mayhem, and violence were chosen in our newsroom today as the three words we most wished we could use at the beginning of this story.

In other news, Boise’s notorious shoe burglar has been apprehended following a six-month manhunt involving a 600-person task force that included Idaho state police, the FBI, the CIA, Nancy Drew, and mall security. But despite the efforts of authorities and the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on the investigation, it took the sharp eye and quick thinking of a local one-armed shoe-lace-tying instructor to bring the criminal to justice.

Ravi Patel, who was teaching double knots to staff members at Foot Locker in the Boise Commons shopping mall, said he was in the middle of his presentation when he noticed something suspicious.

“This guy in a hooded sweatshirt was poking around the display,” says Patel, “and I noticed he had two left legs with what I guesstimated were size 11 feet at the bottom. I knew the shoe burglar only stole size 11 left shoes. I just put two and two together.”

 

Ravi Patel

After the burglar swiped an orange Reebok Zigtech and fled, Patel sprang into action. Witnesses say the brave instructor chased down the thug, tackled him, and, in an act of violence unsuitable for a PG-13 news journal like The Anvil, chopped off the baddie’s right left foot with a Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

“I hope he understands that stealing shoes is wrong and decides to mend his ways,” said Patel of the still-unidentified  burglar, who bled to death at the scene.

So does he feel like a hero for singlehandedly bringing down the state’s most wanted criminal?

“Meh,” said the instructor, who lost his left arm in a TV-watching accident ten years ago, “I do everything singlehandedly.”

Patel was later charged with murder and with possession of an illegal Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

 

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 Hi there, friends! My new PFC story, A Haunting in New Jersey, features a real life ghost, a glimpse into my rock and roll past, and lots of pretty people (clothed). Read it here!

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

Famous blogger critically injured by falling Anvil

Posted by oldancestor on May 17, 2011

 
Hanson Anderson, prior to his disfiguring accident

By Lacy Thundercake

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Blogger and part-time unabomber Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog was seriously injured at his cabin in the Australian Alps yesterday when an anvil fell on his head, flattening him. Police are treating the incident as a hate crime.

“Pretty much everybody hates the guy,” said Sydney police commissioner Fred “Crocodile” Gordon. “I’d have done it myself, mate, but I’m the police and then I’d have all kinds of paperwork.”

Anderson has gained notoriety in recent years by targeting beloved media outlets like People’s Republic of Korea’s Dear Leader Television for Democratic Workers’ Unity in North Korea and others with scathing diatribes that resemble the rantings of a 16th century goat molester with undiagnosed demonic possession. He has also been arrested several times for prancing topless in public fountains while shouting, “Dead dogs don’t die!” according to police reports from several countries in eastern Europe.

Investigators have yet to determine where the anvil that struck Anderson fell from, but police aren’t ruling out a political motive for the attack.

“An anvil is a strange choice of weapon to attack somebody,” says Commissioner Gordon. “Someone was trying to send a message. We just don’t know what it is as yet.”

Some experts believe it may be the work of Antonio Banderas.

“You have to be tall and handsome to pull something like that off,” says Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on pasty-white weirdoes being injured by heavy objects.

Anderson is said to be recuperating at an undisclosed hospital in Sydney, under police protection. Officers have been instructed to prevent Antonio Banderas from entering the room, just in case.

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Editorial note: Anvil editor Old Ancestor is traveling “on business” at an undisclosed location and will delete your unread emails upon his return. Thank you to Qantas airlines for allowing a 700-pound, anvil-shaped carry on bag.

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BAM!

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments »