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Dracuquake Levels Cleveland!

Posted by ericjbaker on October 29, 2012

By Lacy Thundercake

This map of Cleveland shows six concentric circles, which the city’s mayor wants to reduce to a more manageable three by 2016.

CLEVELAND – With the east coast still in the grips of an 800-mile-wide Frankenstorm, our nation was dealt a further blow tonight when Cleveland, Ohio suffered a Dracuquake measuring 7.5 on the Richter scale. The extent of the damage is not yet known, but authorities are hoping the quake will be killed when the sun rises tomorrow morning.

At a televised press conference that concluded a short time ago, Cleveland mayor Jonathan Harker implored residents to stay out of damaged buildings and to wait calmly for Red Cross personnel to deliver “food, blankets, water, and garlic.”

It is not known what effect a red cross with arms of equal length will have on the Dracuquake.

Harker also advised Clevelanders to tune into The Weather Channel for further updates. “I know this is more of a geological event than a metrological one,” the mayor said, “but I get kickbacks every time I mention them and need money for attack ads.”

The Anvil contacted Weather Channel spokesperson Judy Drench for a response to Harker’s comments.

“A Dracuquake is too weather,” she said. “If it happens outside, it’s weather. Well, a football game isn’t weather I suppose, but we’re not a sports channel, so I can’t comment on that.”

When asked for a response both to the mayor’s comments and Drench’s subsequent response, meteorologist and frequent Anvil contributor Pinky Middleton said he didn’t know why those who study weather are called meteorologists.

“I got into this [expletive deleted] to look at space rocks,” he explained. “Excuse me for using logic. I guess I should have signed up for ‘cloudology.’ I’d probably be on my way to the asteroid belt right now with a fat NASA paycheck, a badass spacesuit, and more chicks than I can handle.”

Middleton did warn east coasters to be on the lookout for Were-nados, which are often spawned by Frankenstorms.

“Those things can get pretty hairy,” he said.

In other natural disaster-related news, scientists in Washington State are currently monitoring seismic activity at Mount St. Helens, site of a massive explosion in 1980 that destroyed hundreds of homes and leveled miles of forest. No one from the Weather Channel was willing to comment, but sources say experts fear a Creature From the Black Lagooncanic eruption on the magnitude of the Mount Pinatubo blast that rocked the Philippines in 1991.

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Posted in Breaking News!, Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Firefighters to begin pepper spraying kittens

Posted by oldancestor on November 20, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Living the Thug Life

WASHINGTON DC – Fire department officials across the United States have begun advising their field personnel to use pepper spray against unruly kittens. The tactic has proven to be effective when dealing with the uncooperative felines, whose increasing refusal to be coaxed out of trees has reached epidemic proportions, some experts say.

“To keep our trees safe from these destructive pests, a more aggressive approach has been deemed necessary,” said Dante Alighieri, a spokesperson for the National Firefighter’s Association. “By the way, have you seen the claws on these things?”

Kittens are thought to have been accidentally brought to the Americas aboard Japanese sushi ships in the 1980s, quickly wiping out many native animal species. The small, furry creatures can now be found in nearly every region of the United States, often taxing the resources of local fire departments.

On a related note, many nursing home staffers across the country have started beating elderly residents with wooden batons in an effort to improve the oldsters’ bathroom habits, which many are describing as undignified.

“The only way to combat incontinence is through the use of brutal force,” says North American Nursing Home Alliance president Anna Monapia. “In other words, they just need a good whack.”

This new, harsher approach may have been inspired by the methods used against several protest groups throughout the United States in recent days. Facing a growing movement often referred to as Occupy Wall Street by the news media, various police departments have stepped up efforts to disperse the protestors. Such tactics involve the increasing use of pepper spray, which causes temporary burning of the eyes and throat, though concentrated amounts can result in serious injury.

Herman Gestapo, whose company, Stalinetix, has been consulting law enforcement on how to deal with the protestors, told the Anvil, “We only advise the use of pepper spray in extreme circumstances, such as when dealing with an 80-year-old or when people are peacefully sitting on the ground.”

When asked his thoughts on civil disobedience and non-violent protest, Gestapo says, “Show me a document that says we can’t pass a law against the right of people to peaceably assemble, and I’ll change my tune.”

Not so fast, says Pinky Middleton of Boston Massacre Party, a grassroots political organization that advocates for limited government.

“The government has no right to attack its citizens like this,” explains Middleton. “These tactics are just what you’d expect in a socialist society that has no interest in the voice of the individual.”

After being told that the targeted protesters were not speaking out against taxes and healthcare reform but, rather, were criticizing corporate greed, Middleton said, “Really? F*ck ‘em then.”

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

Science PROVES that video games cause violence

Posted by oldancestor on May 26, 2011

Is America turning its back on our most vulnerable citizens?

By Lacy Thundercake

 

PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they have found conclusive evidence linking violent video games to violent behavior in those who pay them, citing the recent spate of unsolved zombie killings as well as the large number of game controllers showing signs of domestic abuse.

Popular games such as Resident Evil and House of the Dead: Overkill, which require users to kill the undead in inhumane ways, lead players to devalue unlife in the real world, says head researcher Herbert West.

“We’ve seen a dramatic rise in the number of zombie killings nationwide, many of which are clearly copycatting methods designed by Nintendo and PlayStation in their violent games,” West explains. “It’s reminiscent of the space invader shootings back in the early 80s.”

Readers may recall that a group of alien invaders sued video-game maker Atari in 1989 after hundreds of extraterrestrials were killed by armed children shooting straight up into the air. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

West also says discarded game-system controllers often show signs of having been squeezed, shaken, and tilted sideways.

“Tilting an X-box controller does not improve shooting accuracy,” says West. “This leads us to the irrevocable conclusion that these objects were subjected to player rage.”

West adds, “A dead controller can’t talk, but, through science, we can bring its killer to justice.”

A spokesperson for Microsoft, which produces the X-box 360 console, was unavailable for comment, as she was in the midst of a 27-hour Bodycount marathon and was too dehydrated to speak.

The Princeton researchers’ findings are not the only evidence of violent video games inspiring real-life violence. The recent raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan turned up videotapes of Bin Laden himself playing Spyro the Dragon on the original PlayStation system, a hard-to-dispute link between fictional magic crystals and the masterminding of worldwide terrorist networks.

Josef Stalin, one of history’s most brutal dictators, was said to be addicted to the game Pong, which involves the relentless beating of a fat, unarmed pixel for hours on end. Politicians are also known to play Pong when learning how to deflect questions from reporters.

Pro-zombie activists planned to hold a rally in Washington DC today to demand lawmakers pass a bill that requires background checks and a mandatory 5-day waiting period for the purchase of zombie-killing games, but they were attacked and eaten by zombies.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments »

Easter Bunny’s secret life revealed: sex, drugs, fleas

Posted by oldancestor on April 21, 2011

A rare photo of Easter Bunny's alleged life partner, Heat Miser, at their home in Wonderland

By Lennie

Warning: This story contains three really long sentences, right in the beginning, that may be offensive to readers who prefer short, choppy constructions.

 

NEW YORK – With Easter Bunny back in court this week on charges of violating his probation, details of his personal life are being revealed that threaten to derail his career as a psychedelic holiday icon and disappoint millions of people who associate their religion’s holiest day with baby marshmallow chickens covered in yellow sugar.

Unlike Santa Clause, who flaunts his North Pole digs like a reality-show faux celebrity desperately clinging to those last few seconds of fame and who is not above participating in the most crass acts of commercialism, the notoriously private Easter Bunny has kept his home life a secret.

Until now.

Court documents obtained by The Anvil show that he lives in Wonderland, a small, lawless, and surreal Central American nation bordering Costa Rica, whose inhabitants ingest hallucinogenic drugs, dress as playing cards, and, even more alarmingly, flout food-safety regulations pertaining to the handling and transport of eggs across state lines.

Other shocking allegations that emerged during today’s testimony include Easter Bunny fathering hundreds of baby bunnies by several bunny women and using his progeny as slave labor to weave baskets and dye eggs.

In his opening statement, lead prosecutor Victor Chinchilla said, “The evidence will show that Easter Bunny wantonly breeds like a jackrabbit for the purpose of staffing his sweatshop organization with unpaid offspring.”

Defense attorney Peter Cottontail countered by claiming that Easter Bunny is in a committed and monogamous interspecies relationship with Heat Miser, though that revelation has stirred its own controversy.

“A bunny cohabitating with a Heat Miser is sick and unnatural,” says militant Florida preacher and pyromaniac Josephus A. Crunky, “especially a bunny that represents a religious holiday celebrating the resurrection of Christ.”

Reverend Crunky says he plans to burn a stack of bibles in protest this weekend. “What kind of twisted religion would let a pervert give out colored eggs on its behalf?” he asks.

Bunny’s most recent arrest, this time for sniffing the fumes of purple Easter egg dye, comes on the heels of accusations he was responsible for the Great American Flea Epidemic of May, 2009, during which over two million people got itchy and many more were annoyed hearing about it.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued a warning this week advising Americans to avoid celebrating Easter and, as an added precaution, to set rabbit traps near any point of entry to their houses or apartments.

In a statement released to the press, CDC officials said, “Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to communicate with the Easter Bunny, even if he’s screaming in pain because his leg is half torn off by a trap. If you see him, call your local animal control division of the FBI.”

The CDC’s comments appeared to rile residents of Easter Island, who took to the streets in protest, burning American flags and waving stuffed bunnies. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to arrive there later this week to meet with that nation’s president, Stone Flintrock, in the hopes of diffusing already tense relations between the United States and the former Pangaean republic.

World War III appeared to be the last thing on the mind of a defiant Easter Bunny as he left court today, telling reporters he was on his way to, “spend more money on cocaine and prostitutes in one night than you all make in a year.”

His lawyer added that Easter Bunny loves children and can’t wait to make Easter Sunday their most special day.

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Important note to Anvil readers: It has come to our attention that noted anarchist and goat molester Hanson Anderson, who runs the subversive and wholly illegal fake news enterprise, Weird Dude Incorporated, has been making libelous statements about The Anvil, its editor, and writing staff. These heinous and cruel comments, only partly true, are a clear attempt to discredit this fine and respected news organization and its 300 million daily readers.

We strongly advise our readers not to click here and read these disgusting statements for yourselves. The last thing we want is for you to be upset by clicking here to read this trash. By clicking here, you’re only encouraging Hanson Anderson, seditionist and eater of lead paint, to continue spreading his libelous manure.

The Anvil will take the high road, as we believe it would be undignified and unbecoming of a world-class news organization to point out that Hanson Anderson is a registered ferret offender who dances in public fountains while wearing a size 48 disposable diaper, held up by a giant pink safety pin, and reads Tiger Beat magazine.

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Today’s image by the lovely and talented Sandra Tarsitano

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments »

Superman: “All this power, and I couldn’t do Lois’ taxes.”

Posted by oldancestor on April 13, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Superman finally defeated... by the IRS! (© 2011 Mark Armstrong)

METROPOLIS – It took the U.S. tax code to do what kryptonite never could: Defeat the Man of Steel.

An anguished Superman admitted to reporters yesterday that, despite his extensive powers, he was unable to complete girlfriend Lois Lane’s 2010 tax return. “She runs a small business in another state, inherited money from overseas, collects rent from a sublet, and did some freelance writing last year,” he said. “No amount of spinning the Earth backward can undo that tax train wreck.”

Superman’s former nemesis, Lex Luthor, now a Washington D.C. lobbyist who advises members of both major parties on how to make life more miserable for ordinary citizens, said of the crime fighter’s predicament, “Muhahahahahahahahahaha!”

Lane got into her own embarrassing predicament last night when she was pulled over and arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated, allegedly telling the arresting officer, “Everybody lies on their tax return. Except for Mr. Perfect. He’s just got to report every [expletive deleted] penny. Candy [expletive deleted]!”

She also reportedly said, “He ain’t no man of steel either, if you know what I mean. Whoever said he’s faster than a speeding bullet must have been an ex-girlfriend.”

Indeed, it’s been a difficult several months for the superhero, who has struggled to get his political career untracked. Despite calling himself  the “tough on crime” candidate, he came in a distant third in Metropolis’s City Council election last November. Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.

He’s also been dogged by accusations he was not actually born on the planet Krypton. Ultraconservative millionaire Bruce Wayne has led the charge, making frequent public demands that Superman release a copy of his Krypton birth certificate.

Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.

“He wants proof Superman was born on Krypton,” says Kent. “Well, by golly, I want proof his parents weren’t featured extras in the movie Deliverance.”

The man of steel isn’t the only superhero having trouble making sense of America’s tax code before the April 18th filing deadline. Physicist Bruce Banner, who becomes the Incredible Hulk when angered, twice changed into the oversized green monster this week when he discovered the Internal Revenue Service would not let him claim more than three pairs of purple pants as a business expense.

When contacted by The Anvil, a spokesperson for the IRS said, “Who does he think he is, Prince?”

Yesterday, an extra-angry Hulk punched his way through the wall at IRS headquarters in Washington DC and began cramming tax forms down the throats of agency staffers. President Obama quickly arrived in a superhero uniform and put a stop to the mayhem by promising the Hulk a quick resolution to his tax problems.

“We’ve learned from dealing with Wall Street bankers that the best way to address appalling behavior is to coddle and give the perpetrator whatever he wants,” the President later told reporters at a White House press conference.

The Hulk, standing beside President Obama, added, “HULK SMASH PUNY HUMAN!”

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The Anvil gives a very special thanks to illustrator Mark Armstrong for providing today’s image. Be sure to visit Mark’s Web site to see more of his great artwork.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments »

Florida preacher burns Richard Dawkins book; atheists rampage

Posted by oldancestor on April 3, 2011

By Eric J Baker

All Richard Dawkins readers are vampires.

GATORBAG, FL – A pastor from an evangelical church near Gainesville, Florida burned a copy of the Richard Dawkins book DNA for Dummies (i.e. You) this weekend, causing millions of his atheist followers across the country to go on a mad rampage, storming supermarkets, car dealerships, restaurants, and other places of business with one thing on their minds: Revenge.

Witnesses say the atheists bought items and ordered meals during the melee. Thousands of cars were test driven by them on Saturday, with at least 75 drives resulting in purchases, though officials expect the sales toll to rise.

“We’re out of stock on a few things,” said beleaguered shop owner Pinky Middleton of Atlanta, whose inventory was reduced by the attack. “Greek yogurt was on sale, so naturally, we ran out.”

When asked why he burned Dawkins’ book on evolutionary biology, considered by many to be one of hundreds on the market, the controversial Reverend Josephus Crunky said, “I hated Family Feud when he was the host. 1976 to 1985 were dark times indeed.”

Neither Richard Dawkins, the book’s author, or Richard Dawson, former host of the Family Feud, could be reached for comment, but historian and expert on British people called Richard, Sir Edmund Bollocks, said, “Those two chaps, plus King Richard III, complete the perfect trifecta of utterly unrelated Richards.”

Few of the crazed nonbelievers involved in the attack were willing to go on record, though one man, who identified himself only by his first name, Dracula, said, “Richard Dawkins’ book improved the quality of my life. Once he convinced me to give up religion, crosses no longer burned my flesh. I simply stopped thinking they could hurt me, like in that Wild West episode of Star Trek with the phantom bullets. From the third season.”

He also said, “I became a vegetarian as well, so steak couldn’t damage my heart. Get it? Stake. Steak. Hello? Is this thing on? Woo. Tough crowd.”

The incident was not the only controversial book burning to take place in Florida this week. On Friday, another preacher, Reverend Skippy Flintspark of Tallahassee, set ablaze the space alien holy book, To Serve Man, while his congregation looked on. In response, angry aliens sent an armada of star cruisers to Earth, vaporizing Washington DC and New York City.

Yet another preacher, Reverend Jesse Jackson, attempted to broker peace between humans and the aliens by saying of To Serve Man, “It’s a cookbook!”

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 Greetings, Anvil readers! When you have a minute, please go check out my guest post on LA filmmaker and entertainment writer James Killough’s blog Pure Film Creative . Fair warning to people with PG-13 tastes: James’ blog is not for people who offend easily, and you’re going to see a very different side of my writing.

Peace.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 17 Comments »

Pacifist serial killers struggle to find identity

Posted by oldancestor on March 8, 2011

An Anvil special report

By Eric J Baker

Lesser fake news journals make "cereal" killer jokes

John Wayne Gacy.  Jeffrey Dahmer. Dick Cheney.

The mere mention of their names sends chills down the spines of most Americans. Those of us old enough to have lived through the discovery of these madmens heinous crimes will never forgot the horrors: Dozens of bodies shoved in the crawlspace under a house. Dismembered victims hauled out of an apartment in barrels. No-bid contracts in Iraq.

We are left to wonder what new face will one day join the gallery of psychopaths? What crazed lunatic is still out there, eluding the authorities, ready to strike again?

But are those the questions we should be asking? Despite investigative reporters continuing to rely on clichéd phrases for awkward segues, times change. The Anvil took to the streets to discover what life is like for the postmodern serial killer, and our findings might surprise you.

Im conflicted, says Ned, a serial killer from Dallas, Texas. I hate violence. You might call me a conscientious objector, I suppose. But, at the same time, Im a psychotic murderer. Its tough.

Ned, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, says that hes met other men at serial-killer bars who consider themselves part of a new, pacifist generation of serial murderers.

To investigate his assertion, we went to a popular dive for deranged lunatics in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio called Splatter Petes, where we met Steve, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line.

Steve told us, I am totally a pacifist. Just because I have 20 bodies buried in my back yard doesnt mean Im not a gentle creature. Did you know I volunteer at a soup kitchen and build houses for Habitat for Humanity? I love people.

Steve laments that he cant find a way to reconcile his non-violent nature with his murdering.

Im what you fancy writers call a paradox. And I wish there was something I could do about it.

There may be hope for men like Steve. A company in Moscow, Russia called Krazee Alexis has started producing a line of products targeted at the pacifist serial killer market, including their flagship item, a life-sized prostitute doll that fits perfectly in the passenger seat of a pick-up truck and can be strangled over a hundred times on one nine-volt battery.  To satisfy the pacifist, every time she is killed, Krazee Alexis releases a cage full of doves and broadcasts an Art Garfunkel song on satellite radio.

With a list price of $3,999, plus international shipping, Anna Karenina  isnt cheap, but we were able to track down at least one satisfied customer.

Joe, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, bought one last summer and hasnt murdered since.

Those guys over at Krazee Alexis are great, he says. Theyre coming out with a model next year that shoots rose petals when you stab it. If thats not peace and love, I dont know what is.

Not all serial killers are buying into the pacifist movement, though.

I think its plain, old stupid, says Susan Blais, an evil landlady and serial murderer who owns an apartment building  in Hollywood, California. I got bodies stacked up to the ceiling in the basement of this rats nest, and Id have more, but the ceiling doesnt go any higher.

After taking a drag of her Cuban cigar and spitting, she adds, Im gonna need a bigger building.

Dont miss part 2 of our special report tomorrow, when her tenant, who would only identify himself as James, complains of the smell.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 34 Comments »

5 Myths about Life in America

Posted by oldancestor on March 5, 2011

By Lennie

The Kraken is a myth. Or is it?

It’s hard to believe that, in the age of instant worldwide communication and information access, so many Americans still cling to outmoded beliefs that have long been disproven by modern science. Below are the 5 most common misconceptions of our society and the real truth behind the fallacy. So, are you one of the mindless lemmings who continue to swallow and regurgitate this bunk, or are you a pioneer of analytical thought, like we in the news media? Read on, but don’t e-mail me if you are depressed about being in the first category. It’s your own fault.

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Myth: Everyone gets 15 minutes of fame

Truth: Everyone gets 16 minutes of fame

Dr. Hans Cliché of the BF Finster Institute in Zurich identified the additional minute in 2005 by conducting a regression analysis of reality show performers’ careers and creatively-bereft writers’ resultant commentary. At the time the discovery was announced, Cliché said, “Andy Warhol used the imperial system in his equations, yet he was borrowing data derived using metric. How many lives have been lost because of this?”

Bianca Rote, who blogs about the entertainment industry, was annoyed when told about the misconception yesterday.

“Do you know how many ‘5’ keys I’ve had to replace on my keyboard in the past six years?” she asks. “Why didn’t this information get out before now?”

We tried to contact Dr. Cliché for an answer, but his 16 minutes were up.

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Myth: There are 9 ways to Sunday

Truth: There are 8 ways to Sunday

Until engineers construct the proposed tunnel between Philadelphia and Minneapolis, we’re stuck with eight. Funding problems suggest we’ll be waiting a long time.

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Myth: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Truth: Ongoing treatment of chronic conditions with expensive pharmaceuticals is worth more than your insurance company will pay

As long as the Chinese government continues suppressing the value of its currency in order to increase exports, ratios of cure and prevention will be in flux. At press time, 2.3 ounces of prevention was worth a pound of cure.

***

Myth: Sliced bread is a good invention

Truth: Legos are a good invention

Nothing sends more people into emergency rooms across the country every year than bread-slicing accidents. People should eat loafs of bread whole, the way they come out of the ground. Anyway, all the nutrition is in the skin.

Meanwhile, Legos are fun for children and adults and last forever.

***

Myth: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Truth: Less than eight hours of sleep makes you grumpy and more likely to have a car accident

Last week, I went to bed early and missed the end of the Academy Awards, so I didn’t know who won. Then I got up while it was still dark and hit my head on the edge of the halfway-open door because I couldn’t see it. I had to put an ice pack on my head and forgot all about going to work, so my boss docked my pay.

Do I sound wise, healthy, or wealthy?

***

How about you? What stupid things do you still believe? Leave a comment so the rest of us can mock you in public.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

Dozens of Human Heads Found

Posted by oldancestor on February 12, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Other types of heads

In what scientists are calling the greatest intellectual awakening since Americans realized they could have had a V8, dozens of knee-jerk reactionaries ran their hands up their bodies yesterday and discovered they had heads sitting atop their necks.

“It’s amazing,” said Ben Tramer, a former jerk. “As soon as I realized I was able to think, I understood that social issues and events have many dimensions, and that people with opposing positions can both make good points.”

He went on say that he no longer blamed President Obama for his uncle being laid off in 2007.

Trixie Bumbershoot, who, like Tramer, was until very recently a jerk, says, “Before I found my head, I automatically said everything bad that happened in the past eleven years was George W Bush’s fault. Including my three DUI convictions. It turns out I was just being a selfish idiot.”

Science is at a loss to explain the unusual discovery. Dr. Carl Hill of Miskatonic University in Massachusetts, an expert on heads, says more research is needed.  

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” he told The Anvil via telephone this morning. “One minute, thousands of people are posting misinformed, all-caps, emotion-driven comments on Yahoo, and the next minute, dozens of them, maybe 24 to 36, started using logic.”

In scientific terms, one dozen is generally thought to equal twelve.

“What I’d really like to do is remove those people’s heads and dissect them,” explains Dr. Hill. “It’s the only way to be sure of what chemical changes took place. Of course, I’d reattached them afterward. ‘First, do no harm,’ as they say, eh? Ha. Ha.”

Despite the presumed danger, some of those who underwent the sudden change are eager to partake in Dr. Hill’s experiment.

“I used to blame Bill Clinton for all my troubles,” says former loudmouth Otis Tool. “And my buddy Henry [widely viewed as a belligerent ignoramus until yesterday] said Reagan was nothing but pure evil. Now, thanks to our awakening, we’re curious to see what caused the change.”

He later added, “Yeah, I’ll give head for science.”

While some readers may view the spontaneous head discovery as promising, scientists warn there are still millions out there who refuse to consider gathering facts, seeking alternate opinions, and respecting others’ beliefs.

Indeed, 108-year-old Toronto native Pinky Middleton maintains that President James Garfield, who served a scant 200 days in office in 1881, is to blame for World War II, design flaws in the Ford Pinto, and the underperformance of Prince of Persia: Sands of Time at the box office.

“This country was a paradise until he [Garfield] gave government workers May 30th, 1881 off,” says Middleton. “Now look where we are as a nation!”

Middleton also said that, “Sh*t rolls down hill, you know,” though scientists have yet to observe this phenomenon.

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Correction: The second quote attributed to Otis Tool includes a typo. It should appear as “Yeah, I’ll give my head for science.” We’re sorry for the inconvenience.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , | 15 Comments »

Obama to Alito: “In Yo Face!”

Posted by oldancestor on January 26, 2011

WASHINGTON DC – An increasingly erratic President Obama delivered a State of the Union speech last night that could best be described as rambling, nonsensical, and, eventually, violent.  

Speaking before members of both houses of Congress as well as several Supreme Court Justices, the President set the tone early by reaching into the lectern and withdrawing a Chalupa from Taco Bell. While unwrapping the fast-food snack, he said, “My fellow Americans, did you know that Taco Bell has been calling the stuff in here ‘beef,’ when it’s actually mostly soy filler and flavoring?”

Met with silence, a visibly disgusted Obama threw the Chalupa to the floor beneath the podium, saying, “Aw, f**k it.”

It is not clear whether the expletive was part of the speech or an unscripted moment.

The president then turned his attention to the Supreme Court Justices seated before him and, presumably paraphrasing a line of dialog from The Shining, said, “You know, you guys turned out to be a couple of completely unreliable a**holes.”

Justice Samuel Alito, echoing a dispute that took place between the President and Supreme Court Justices during last year’s State of the Union address, appeared to mouth the words, “Not true.”

Jabbing his finger toward the judge, President Obama responded by saying, “In Yo Face!” then leapt from the stage in an alleged attempt to strangle him.

The two men briefly exchanged blows and, in a bipartisan effort, were separated by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Before the President’s address could be resumed, another fight broke out, not between Republicans and Democrats but between Senators and Representatives. With strength in numbers, the congressional reps were able to subdue the Senators, though it was reported that, in the melee, TV personality Geraldo Rivera’s nose was broken by a flying chair.  It was unclear whether the chair was thrown or flew on its own.

Once order was restored, President Obama was able to finish his speech, which included bits about investing in the nation’s infrastructure or something.

In a post-address rebuttal, a bloodied and bruised Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman told television audiences she was proud of the way Republicans and Democrats were able to resolve their differences during the speech.

“This is the way our forefathers intended government to work,” she said. “They knew that statesmanship and diplomacy were stupid in the fourteen-hundreds, and they’re stupid now.”

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »