THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘Congress’

Most Popular Halloween Costumes for Kids

Posted by oldancestor on October 26, 2010

By Lacy Thundercake

Retail sales figures continue to be flattened by tepid economic growth and ongoing unemployment, but one business segment is seeing a (predictable) surge this October: The Halloween costume industry. With kids across the nation ready to take to the streets on Sunday and do their part to worsen childhood obesity, we asked Ben Tramer, president of costume retailer Insane Profit Margin, to let our readers know what all those greedy ingrates adorable little monsters will be wearing.

According to Tramer, these are the top sellers of 2010:

 

Yahoo commenter

The terrifying visage of knee-jerk ignorance, modeled after the hate-filled, intolerant ranter who leaves stupid comments following news articles. The Yahoo Commenter knows everything… except facts.

$19.95 (mask only)

 

 

Lindsay Lohan

“A cautionary tale,” in Tramer’s words, that is carefully treated to look much older than it really is. Replete with plastic puke and mysterious white powder.

$39.95 (mask and teenage runaway/prostitute outfit)

 

 

Rubber stamp

For the kid who plans to hit lots of houses in a very short time. “We call it the Rubber Stamp,” says Tramer, “but I prefer to think of it as ‘The Banality of Evil.’”

$24.95 (hat, jumpsuit)

 

 

John Boehner

“A house minority leader is always popular with kids,” explains Tramer. “They’re fascinated by branches of government.” No word on whether manufacturers are ramping up production on a Nancy Pelosi mask for next year.

$14.95 (mask)

 

 

Protestor at Rand Paul Event

Tramer tells us that ‘Security Thug at Joe Miller Event’ was a top seller until yesterday, when this design suddenly took off. “I support people’s First Amendment right to wear whatever Halloween costume they want,” he says.

$29.95 (mask)

 

 

Corporate CEO

“This one bumped ‘The Pimp’ out of our top six for he first time since 1966,” says Tramer. Despite the difficulty of trick-or-treating with puppet strings hanging from one’s fingers, kids are snapping up the costume. “Some things are better than candy,” he explains. “Like unlimited greed and hubris.”

$24.95 (suit jacket, puppets)

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Obama’s secret passion: Italian cannibal movies

Posted by oldancestor on July 25, 2010

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Cannibals and Zombies. Can you tell the difference?

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama revealed in a primetime interview last night he frequently watches 1970s and early 1980s Italian-made cannibal movies and that he owns an extensive collection of them on DVD. The films are usually set in South American jungles and are considered to be among the most violent and blood-drenched productions in cinema history.

Appearing on NBC’s newsmagazine show Scripted Dramas are Too Expensive, the President told host Chris Hansen, “When I need to think on an issue that affects Americans, I often put on an Italian cannibal movie. It clears my head and, you know, the answer reveals itself.”

First Lady Michele Obama, sitting beside her husband during the interview that took place in the White House, laughed at his comment, saying, “Yeah. He also watches them all day when we’re on vacation. It’s like an Italian-cannibal-movie marathon. Last time we were away he must have watched Make Them Die Slowly  a dozen times.”

That 1981 film, also released under the title, Cannibal Ferox, features numerous scenes of graphic flesh eating and dismemberment and once boasted on its theater-lobby poster of having been “banned in 31 countries.”

When asked by Hansen if their daughters were allowed to watch the film, the First Lady said, “Oh, yeah. Malia can name all 24 acts of barbaric cruelty in the order they occur in the movie.”

Why specifically Italian-made cannibal movies?

“Pretty much nobody else makes them,” says the First Lady.

The President also cites 1978’s notorious Cannibal Holocaust and 1977’s Trap Them and Kill Them (also known as Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals) as favorites.

“The one I watch the most though,” the President told America last night, “is Doctor Butcher MD. It just doesn’t let up. There’s some serious flesh eating in that one.”

Reaction from Republicans on Capital Hill was swift and harsh this morning.

“It’s outrageous that the President of the United States would make this claim,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Doctor Butcher MD isn’t a cannibal film. It’s a zombie film.”

Representative Eric Cantor (R-VA) echoed McConnell’s words, saying, “The alternate title is Zombie Holocaust. In neither title does the word ‘cannibal’ appear. The American people are not that easily fooled.”

When told of Cantor’s remarks, Vice President Biden said, “That’s bullsh*t. Has the congressman even watched the movie? The zombies show up with about 5 minutes left at the end. The rest is cannibals. It’s a cannibal movie.”

Online retailer Amazon.com reports sales of Italian cannibal DVDs are surging today. 1980’s Zombie Holocaust/Doctor Butcher MD appears to have benefited the most from all the controversy, ranking # 2 amongst all titles in sales today, up from 37,234th yesterday.

Earlier today, radio and television pundit Glenn Beck accused Amazon.com of being a leftist organization, asking radio listeners, “Don’t you find it more than a little coincidental that President Obama’s favorite movies are set in the Amazon jungle?”

An Amazon.com spokesperson denied any connection.

Scripted Dramas are Too Expensive host Hansen, who many feel was more interesting when he was humiliating child molesters on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator, is known for probing into his political guests’ hobbies and personal interests. On last week’s show, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin told Hansen that she relaxes by practicing her ABC’s and trying to memorize her board book, “Numbers 1-9.”

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Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

RNC Chairman Michael Steele says Clone Wars “were a war of Yoda’s choosing”

Posted by oldancestor on July 5, 2010

Unlike previous Michael Steele scandals, no strippers are involved

 

By Eric J Baker

Would the Republican National Committee fire Michael Steele and replace him with Frankenstein’s monster? Of course not. That’s a stupid question.

 WASHINGTON DC – Embattled RNC Chairman Michael Steele stirred controversy at a GOP fundraiser yesterday by claiming that Jedi Master Yoda was responsible for the “unnecessary” Clone Wars, which could have been avoided, he says, had different decisions been made.

“They were a war of Yoda’s choosing,” Steele told attendees.

His comments echo remarks he made just days ago about President Obama and the war in Afghanistan. However, while those words were roundly criticized by Republicans and Democrats alike, Steele’s view on the Clone Wars has won him support from unlikely sources.

“Yoda bashing is tantamount to blasphemy in this country, but Steele is correct this one time,” said ultra-liberal congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH). “Mr. Yoda may not have been involved in the creation of the clone army, but that didn’t stop him from using them for cannon fodder.”

The issue has quickly proved to be a divisive one for Republicans. Some conservative politicians are distancing themselves from Steele, but Senator John McCain, who only this weekend was calling for Steele’s ouster, threw his support behind the party chairman.

“My friends, I have no problems with a guy who starts necessary and easily justified wars, even if they end up lasting a hundred years” Senator McCain said on NBC’s Meet the Press yesterday, “but that one [gesturing toward a portrait of Master Yoda] basically took an army and handed it to his enemy, who used it to defeat him. It’s possibly the worst military blunder since Hitler invaded Russia.”

When reminded by host David Gregory that the Clone Wars took place thousands of years before World War II, in another galaxy, McCain said, “F*ck you!”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) broke with his colleague’s view. Appearing on Fox News’ The Sean Hannity Show last night, the Senator said, “The clone army had nothing to do with the failure of Yoda. It was having a left-wing radical like Yoda heading the Jedi Council in the first place that did it. Every citizen in that galaxy had the right to bear blasters until he came along.”

McConnell drew comparisons between Bespin and Tatooine, the latter of which never fell under imperial control. “Bespin had strict blaster-control laws and it took the Empire all of five minutes to seize power there. You think they’d try that on Tatooine? You want to take over that planet, you’d better bring a Death Star.”

Controversial Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul, who hopes to ride a wave of voter discontent into the November midterm elections, told supporters at a rally last night, “Real Americans don’t care about the political mumbo jumbo behind the Clone Wars. We know the simple truth: Those with a different skin color should never be allowed to lead others.”

He later added, “I meant because Yoda’s skin is green. Earthier tones are all right. Theoretically.”

President Obama, leaving the White House by helicopter this morning, dodged reporters’ requests for a response to Paul’s comments. Before boarding the aircraft, however, he raised an eyebrow and offered a noncommittal, “Fascinating.”

In what may be a first for Washington DC politics, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi will be joined later today by every elected woman in both houses of Congress for a bipartisan press conference on the steps of the Capitol Building. Rather than deliver a demand for Steele’s resignation, the diverse group of Republican and Democratic women is expected to issue a joint question asking, “What the hell are you guys talking about?”

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Kagan, angered by probing questions, turns into The Hulk

Posted by oldancestor on June 30, 2010

3 senators killed; Kagan’s pantsuit damaged

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Kagan Hulk throttles Republican Senator Jeff Sessions

WASHINGTON DC – “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

If certain Senate Judiciary Committee members had heeded that warning, issued by a visibly riled Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan minutes before she attacked the panel, they might be alive this morning.

At the end of a second full day of tough questioning, Kagan appeared to lose her cool when committee member Jeff Sessions (R-AL) asked, “If God can do anything, can he make a rock that he can’t pick up?”

Kagan refused to answer, prompting Sessions to repeat the question, at which point the nominee warned, “You’d better stop.”

When the Senator said, “Or you’ll do what,” Kagan’s eyes turned white, and, before a stunned group of senators and television crewmembers, she transformed into an incredible hulk, tossing the table and chair aside and leaping at Sessions.

Video from the hearing, since confiscated by federal investigators, showed Kagan hurling Sessions against the wall, then picking up senators Tom Coburn (R-OK) and Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and slamming their heads together.

Witnesses report Kagan saying, “Hulk smash puny humans!” before punching a hole in the wall and fleeing. She was later apprehended at her hotel room by local police, though the arresting officers say she had returned to human form by then.

Senators Coburn and Schumer were pronounced dead at the scene of the attack, and Senator Sessions died later at a local hospital.

Condemnation from Republicans came swiftly.

“This woman broke with a half century of Hulk tradition when she killed those men,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. “Hulks are only supposed to injure people. Will she break from the Constitution as well? I think it’s possible.”

Carly Fiorina, the former Hewlett Packard CEO who will challenge incumbent Barbara Boxer for California’s senate seat this November said, “Did you see those purple pants Kagan had on? What decade is she in? Ugh. Not this one.”

The Obama administration quickly came to Kagan’s defense.

“That’s what those guys get for being smartasses,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “What are your views on this? What are your views on that? Just get on with it already. Jesus Christ!”

Kagan’s unexpected move may have upset conservatives in Washington, but she is winning broad support among ordinary Americans. The nominee has even inspired an overnight political party that calls itself Green Power Now!

“This is the fastest way I can think of to clean up Washington,” says the party’s founder, Chester Tool. “Kagan for President!”

Tool says he has no idea what “alternative energy” means, and he sees nothing wrong with a political party that has only two members getting prominent coverage in a news article.

As for Kagan, she may have to put her presidential ambitions on hold while the mess she created yesterday is sorted out. Legal experts say she is unlikely to be charged with a crime, since a hulk is considered by US courts to be a separate entity from its host. Ironically, it was the Supreme Court that made this determination in the 1983 case, David Banner v. The Guy Who Followed Him Everywhere.

Prior to yesterday’s incident, the most notable transformation in Supreme Court Nominee history occurred when recently retired Justice David Souter was nominated as a conservative judge but transformed into a liberal one as soon as he was confirmed.  

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Democrats choose Mouse as new mascot; Donkey ousted

Posted by oldancestor on June 28, 2010

Sales of mouse traps surge

 

By Eric J Baker

 

The Democrats' new logo

WASHINGTON DC – In a surprise move, Congressional Democrats have decided to replace the party’s longstanding Donkey mascot with that of a Mouse. The decision was announced this morning following an all-night, Democrats-only session in the Senate chamber.

“We felt the need to update our image,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid told reporters. “The Donkey was a fine mascot, but we want to change the impression that we are stubborn. A Mouse is more… compliant.”

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, flanking Reid at the press conference, added, “This doesn’t mean we aren’t going to keep fighting hard for middle-class Americans. Unless Republicans look like they might get ready to start thinking about a filibuster. All bets are off then.”

Indeed, Senate Democrats used their 19-vote majority last week to aggressively back away from extending jobless benefits. They’ve also thrown their weight around to cave in to bankers’ demands instead of passing meaningful financial reform. And now President Obama is getting in on the act: The White House says it plans to follow through on the opposite of a campaign promise by leaving the prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba open indefinitely.

Reid’s Senate counterpart, Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, was unhappy when told of the closed-door meeting.

“Once again, we hear talk of bipartisanship, yet the Democrats chose to make this mascot decision without Republican input,” said McConnell. “We have lots of ideas for what their mascot should be, but they never asked us.”

The Donkey, reached by phone at his home in a posh northwestern Washington DC neighborhood, said Democrats are “a bunch of pansies” who deserve to suffer heavy losses in the November midterm elections.

“Honestly, I was embarrassed to tell people I’m that donkey,” he said. “The only bad thing about losing my job is that I no longer have a way to support my $10,000 a week cocaine and prostitute habit.”

He also admits to feeling like an ass.

Reaction in GOP circles was mixed, with so-called establishment Republicans choosing to stand behind the classic Elephant mascot while some up-and-comers suggest their party might benefit from making some changes as well.

Four-term Arizona Senator John McCain said, “If the Democrats think an Elephant is afraid of a mouse, they should stop watching so many cartoons. The big E is here to stay, my friends.”

In contrast, GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul of Kentucky, who has attracted plenty of media attention lately for his controversial statements, is open to ditching the Elephant in favor of a fresher image.

“I was thinking we could go with a southern plantation owner, circa 1850,” he said. “A strict constitutionalist, but also funny, like he could be on a commercial for a fast-food chain or something.”

When told such a character might engender negative associations in the minds of certain voters, Paul said, “Oh, you mean because of the slavery thing? I get that. I definitely think institutionalized slavery was one of the 200 worst things that ever happened in this country.”

While long-serving Republicans continue to cringe at the embarrassingly racist comments made by its outside-the-beltway candidates, unified Democrats vow to continue failing to take advantage of their opponent’s mistakes.

“We’ll do our very best to get clobbered this November, Mouse or no Mouse,” said Reid, who added, “Wait. What did I just say?”

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Arizona’s tough new anti-zombie law raises questions

Posted by oldancestor on June 25, 2010

Zombies: US citizens or domestic terrorists?

 

By Eric J Baker

Constitutional conundrum: Should zombies be allowed to vote?

PHOENIX – In response to the Zombie Apocalypse that’s rapidly sweeping the world, Arizona’s legislature passed a harsh new anti-zombie law this week, despite a harsh law in place that prevents the passage of harsh laws.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Arizona governor Jan Brewer said last night on CNN’s Larry King Live, though it is not known if she was referring to the passage of the new law or quoting the character Jafar from Aladdin.

She also said, “Throw me the lamp!”

As promised by the governor, the new law contains a provision allowing armed citizens to kill zombies on sight. Previously, only law-enforcement personnel, national guardsmen, and paid government militia members were permitted to shoot the walking dead. But it’s other components of the legislation that have stirred debate and stoked controversy.

Businesses can now be fined for using zombie labor, and people who keep undead relatives locked up rather than turning them over to the authorities will risk jail time. Zombies of illegal immigrants can either be shot or deported.

“This is just another way for the government to curtail our civil liberties,” says Paul Naschy, whose uncle Jacinto Molina, a zombie, was living in a cage in the back yard. Until the police shot Molina and took away the body.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Naschy laments, “The zombies or the socialists.”

Zombie rights groups oppose the new law and vow to take the state of Arizona to court.

“Zombies are US citizens, just like you and me,” says Patchouli Johnson of Zombies Are People (ZAP), a not-for-profit organization. “Why are they being treated like intruders? The government took away their unemployment checks, even though we know no one will hire a zombie, and now they’re being exterminated like mosquitoes. Where’s the compassion?”

Legal experts say there is a distinction between zombies and humans. It just hasn’t been established yet.

“Technically, it’s hard to prove a zombie isn’t the same person he was when alive,” explains Harvard law professor Nadine Pencilwacker. “Same finger prints, same retina pattern. Still moving. And the legal world doesn’t account for such a thing as a ‘soul.’ On the other hand, these creatures are ravenous cannibals. But can they be charged with a crime? Are they legally insane? There are so many layers.”

Pencilwacker went on to say, “Aaaaaaah! Help! Oh God, they’re killing meeee….” while being overrun by a horde of walking corpses during our interview.

Unlike with the anti-immigrant legislation Governor Brewer signed into law in April, the Obama administration has had little to say about Arizona’s stance toward the undead. Some believe President Obama is attempting to appear more centrist after spending nearly two years dealing with divisive issues like heath care reform, bank bailouts, and unemployment. Since polls show an overwhelming majority of Americans support the right to shoot zombies, it might be wise for the President to stay above the fray as the 2010 midterms approach.

With regard to his 2012 reelection effort, Obama can only hope the undead kill and eat more Republicans than Democrats between now and then. Zombies may not have the right to vote (yet), but they can still affect the outcome of elections.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , | 14 Comments »

Feds cancel economy; not popular with voters

Posted by oldancestor on May 21, 2010

GOVERNMENT RECOMMENDS STUFFING OLD BILLS IN MATTRESS… FOR ADDED COMFORT

By Eric J. Baker

 

WASHINGTON DC – The federal government decided to scrap the economy yesterday after 234 years, citing voter frustration and bloated bureaucracy as the main reasons for the move. By signing the executive order yesterday, President Obama effectively changed the way America will do business going forward. 

“People can now anticipate to a future free of budget deficits, national debts, predatory banking practices, and money,” said the President last night in a televised speech that reminded many of candidate Obama from 2008, whose campaign promises were full of inspirational rhetoric.

The action was met with rare bipartisan approval. Said Nevada’s Republican Senate hopeful Sue Lowden, who intends to unseat Democrat Harry Reid in November, “This will finally make chicken-bartering the foremost system of commerce going forward.”

On MSNBC last night, Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Ohio said, “This is the first step toward creating a Dionysian society where love is free, wine flows copiously, and women behave as woodland nymphs, running barefoot in butterfly-laden meadows.”

He later added, “Man, it’s good to finally have a reason for saying that.”

Even former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics, was supportive of the move.

“For a guy who wants to melt down all the guns and kill your grandparents and was probably born in the heart of communist Iraq, he did a smart thing today, don’cha think?”

She later posed with a high-powered hunting rifle to make herself look cool.

Not everyone is happy with the change, though. Environmentalists are up in arms over a proposed government plan to burn all the now-useless cash and dump the coins in the ocean.

“They should use all those bills for insulation,” said Greenpeace activist Patchouli Johnson. “Stuff ‘em inside the old tires that should also be used for insulation.”

“Or make clothes for the homeless,” added fellow activist Peppermint Smith.

Johnson scoffed, asking, “Who cares about the homeless?”

Both women agreed it would be fun to smoke joints made from rolled up 100-dollar bills.

Ordinary citizen Pinky Middleton asked some stupid questions.

“Um, how are people going to get the stuff they need like food and medicine? Won’t society collapse when no one has a reason to go to work anymore?”

Dumb and pointless as his words may be, the repercussions of yesterday’s executive order are indeed being felt, albeit in places that don’t matter.

Upon hearing of the new national policy, elated US soldiers ran into the streets and fired their automatic rifles skyward with reckless abandon. However, the party atmosphere soon degenerated into one of outright chaos, as staffers in nuclear missile silos across the country joined the fracas and punched in their launch codes. Russia, China, North Korea, and the Middle East were later engulfed in a conflagration of apocalyptic proportions, killing close to half the world’s population, with many more expected to die of radiation poisoning in the coming weeks.

An embarrassed President Obama said he will dispatch Secretary of State Clinton to the UN to offer a formal apology sometime this week

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Angry electorate vows to replace Democrats with Republicans and Republicans with Democrats

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2010

ALSO: CONGRESS GRILLS ITSELF IN CONGRESSIONAL HEARING

 

By Eric J Baker

 

“Throw the bums out.”

Who can forget these immortal words from the Bible (besides Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and “Other”)? But while Jesus was talking about Roman gods, people who drop the TTBO-bomb today are often referring to “bum” politicians who have set up their cardboard shelters (offices) and parked their rusty shopping carts (political agendas) along Washington DC’s marble-floored halls of legislature.

With congressional elections coming in November and primary upsets in the offing, the chorus of anger has grown louder.

“We need to vote out every single congressperson who’s up for reelection,” says Texas resident Norman “Chubzy” Ubzy, “while staying strictly within a two-party system, of course.”

Madge Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, agrees. “Every single Republican and Democrat currently in office is corrupt. Luckily, the challengers from the same parties, in each case, are completely ethical and honest.”  

Her husband, Otis, adds, “Republicans and Democrats will be ok, but those guys from the Incumbent party are in trouble.”

Janet Blandworth, a random expert who gets paid to state the obvious, says, “It’s natural for voters to feel frustrated with elected officials when the economy is in a prolonged slump and jobless rates are high.”

Congress acted quickly when it discovered Americans are unhappy, quarantining those lawmakers up for reelection in a high-school gymnasium and spraying them with Raid.

President Obama praised the bipartisan effort yesterday.

“This is what we can accomplish when we work together,” the President told reporters. “That said, Republicans are still jerks.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota responded by urging strict adherence to the Constitution, as it was originally written.

“We didn’t have these problems before women were allowed to vote,” she said. “Or when slaves were 2/3 of a person. We need to get back to the things that made America great.”

In a late session last night, Congress called itself to testify before itself.

“Where do you get off being so smug and self-righteous?” asked House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), looking in a mirror.

Her Republican counterpart, Rep. John Boehner of Ohio, skipped the questions and went straight to making out with his reflection.

“Who’s orange?” he cooed at the mirror. “Are you orange? I don’t think so.”

To flesh out the rest of the article, we went back to Janet Blandworth, our random expert, and asked her to blab some more.

“Depending on who you ask,” she said, “the Republicans are either poised to take both houses of Congress and begin a new revolution or are going to get clobbered because their message seems intolerant and borderline racist and will turn voters off.”

So which one will it be?

“I don’t know. Who cares? You know, when I got out of college I was full of hopes and dreams and ideals and thought I could change the world,” she said. “Now look at me. I’m 39-years-old and divorced and spend my time talking to untalented, hack reporters like you about stupid [expletive] boring politicians. I need a drink.”

An unnamed reporter was said to have offered Blandworth a ride back to his place for margaritas, but it was not known at press time if she accepted.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Senator McConnell may have called the President “Bizarre”

Posted by oldancestor on April 26, 2010

BUT ONLY IF YOU TAKE THE WORD COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT

 

By Eric J Baker

 

WASHINGTON – As reported in the Huffington Post yesterday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) used the word “bizarre” in a conversation involving President Obama on the television show Fox News Sunday.

During a call to McConnell’s office made prior to even rudimentary fact-checking, we were told by a nervous, lying staffer, “I’m sure he meant ‘bazaar,’ as in ‘church bazaar.’”

The staffer went on to say, “The senator collects yarn toilet-paper cozies as well as pine-cone-and-felt angels. He especially enjoys their little pipe-cleaner wings.”

The growing scandal was muted somewhat when another of McConnell’s words became available. It turns out the Kentucky senator had said it was unlikely Republicans would filibuster Obama’s Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, unless the President’s choice was “really bizarre.”

At a press conference today, McConnell was asked to clarify who he considered ‘bizarre.’

“Well, Spongebob, perhaps,” said McConnell. “That would be bizarre.”

He is believed to have been referring to Hawaii’s first-circuit-court judge Spongebob Squarepants, who is known for offering lenient punishments and taking a forgiving approach toward repeat offenders. Squarepants was embroiled in controversy last year for commuting the sentence of serial-burglar Sheldon Plankton, who was later rearrested for attempting to rob the same restaurant for the tenth time.

“We will definitely filibuster any activist judge Obama tries to shove down our throats,” McConnell might have said if we’d baited him.

In response to the potential threat, Vice President Biden said, “I’ll filibuster your mother. Doh!”

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, who herself has been talked about as a potential nominee, urged President Obama to consider looking outside the judiciary pool for his eventual candidate. “How about one of the actors on Law and Order? They seem pretty judgy.”

Most Americans don’t care who ends up on the Supreme Court. Although, to be honest, we only asked one person and picked the stupidest looking one at that.

“The Supareem Court? Are they those rifle guys in England that wear the buffalo-lodge hats and red jackets and never laugh?” asks Madge Tool, who readers might recognize from watching sixty-year-old hookers get arrested on Cops.

However small their number, some concerned citizens have very definite ideas about who should get the nod.

Says 19-year-old college sophomore Pinky Middleton, a political science/criminal justice double major who follows current events closely, “Please please please let it be Megan Fox. Dude, how hot would that be?”

The President has repeatedly said he will choose someone with a strong judicial record and expects broad bipartisan support, though sources close to the White House say Obama’s inside favorite to replace Stevens is The Antichrist. While it’s a choice that will likely result in a protracted and sometimes contentious Senate confirmation process, most pundits believe the nomination will eventually go through.

Before Republicans get too comfortable throwing around accusations of bizarrehood (as interpreted by this news organization), they would do well to remember the previous administration’s odd choice of John Roberts, who is actually a hive of nanobots in the shape of a human. Readers may recall that, during the President’s State of the Union address in January, Chief Justice Roberts broke up into a black swarm cloud and attacked a congressional page after Obama suggested the court had acted irresponsibly in a recent decision.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

Breaking News: Obama quits!

Posted by oldancestor on April 16, 2010

OBAMA RESIGNS PRESIDENCY TO TRAIN FOR SUMMER X GAMES

By Eric J. Baker

 

WASHINGTON – President Obama stunned the nation today by announcing his resignation less than halfway into his four-year term, to begin training for the 2011 Summer X Games, an international competition that awards medals in mountain-biking, skateboarding, surfing, and other so-called “extreme” sports. The President, an avid skateboarder, says he intends to compete for gold in the half-pipe.

Citing accomplishments such as the passage of the Health Care bill, a long-desired goal of the Democratic Party, the President said at a press conference this morning, “I did what I came to do and am ready for a new challenge.” He went on to say, “Look. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed the American people, but I am certain Vice President Biden will serve admirably in my place.”

Biden, who shared the podium in the White House press room with President Obama, said, “This is a big f*cking deal.”

Reaction on Capital Hill was mixed. Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, a Democrat who ran for president in 2004, said, “From a socio-political standpoint, this speaks to the concerns over redistribution of wealth vis-à-vis original arguments pertaining to term limits prior to my serving in the Vietnam War.” Kerry continued to answer for several hours, in what many are calling the first spontaneous filibuster in Senate history.

Kerry’s Republican counterpart, recently elected Senator Scott Brown, responded by saying, “I drive a truck.”

When asked what he thought of Obama’s unexpected decision, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner said, “No.”

Newt Gingrich, Speaker of the House of Representatives during the latter years of the Clinton administration and now a political pundit, sought to distance himself from controversial comments he made during a speech last week, when he referred to President Obama as “radical.”

“I simply meant that he has mad skilz,” said Gingrich after hearing of the President’s pending resignation and future plans. “I look forward to seeing him school the competition in half pipe.”

He later modified his statement, adding, “Fo shizzle.”

Not all conservative commentators were so forgiving. Sarah Palin, former vice-presidential candidate and now symbolic figurehead of the Tea Party movement, said, “How typically hopey-changey of this man. He gets himself elected, spending countless taxpayer dollars – taxpayers like you and me – and then he goes and quits half way though his first term.” After glancing at her palm, Palin said, “Is that the kind of leadership we want in Washington? Heck No!”

Joe Ecks, founder of the X-treme Sports Federation and distributor of the popular Oh Sh*t, it’s a Compound Fracture DVD series, welcomed the President’s move. “This will bring an un-presidented level of exposure to extreme sports. Heh heh. Un-presidented. Get it?”

He went on to say, “What? That was funny.”

Other presidents resigning mid-term include Teddy Roosevelt, who quit so he could pose for Mount Rushmore sculptor Gutzon Borglum, and Richard M. Nixon, who pursued a successful acting career. He went on to star in the hit TV series Miami Vice and the sci-fi film Kingdom of the Spiders, alongside William Shatner.

No word yet on when the transition to a Biden administration will begin.

Note: This corrects an earlier version, which referred to the “X-treme Sports Federation” as “Ecks’ Stream Sports Federation,” the organization’s original name, which was changed after a staffer put two and two together and said, “Duh.”

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