New disease threat for the 21st century

By Eric J Baker

Is this what XLP looks like up close? Probably not.

WASHINGTON DC – It’s no secret that America’s rising obesity epidemic has been accompanied by growing incidences of heart failure, diabetes, and stroke. Now medical researchers are reporting a new, even deadlier obesity-related disease that threatens to become the worst health scourge of the century: Extra-Large Pox.

Unlike its more diminutive cousin, small pox, extra-large pox targets mostly the overweight. The pox can range in size from a tea cup saucer to a manhole cover, depending on the girth of the sufferer. The wounds often pass entirely through the victim’s body, allowing relatives to peak through and wave to someone taking a picture on the other side.

“It’s humiliating,” says extra-large pox sufferer Bertha Quake, 31, who weighed 605 pounds before the disease struck. “My nephews shoot nerf darts through my belly, and I have to just stand there in the middle of the room like a big ol’ Hasbro accessory.”

Since what happens to skinny, pretty people is more newsworthy, we asked Dr. Carl Hill of Miskatonic University in Massachusetts what we should expect if someone skinny and pretty like Megan Fox or Olivia Wilde acquired extra-large pox.

“Wow. You’re talking about entire heads or torsos just popping out of existence,” he explains. “Small pox is bad enough, like a size two maybe. With XLP, you’re talking about a size 16. Even 18.”

When asked just how deadly this insidious demon was, Dr. Hill said, “Well, you really shouldn’t attribute malevolent will to a disease. A virus has no brain, so you’re really just empowering the condition by making it sound so evil, which does no favors for the victim.”

He went on to say, “Think of an illness as,” at which point we stopped recording because he wasn’t saying anything that will scare readers.

A bizarre mutation of extra-large pox has already emerged this winter, which scientists are calling Tron Pox, or TP for short. TP causes it’s victims to be reduced to binary code and disappear into their video game consoles, where they must become part of the cyber action and kill or be killed. The illness is most prevalent among teenage boys, with reports surfacing that many of the victims are attempting to acquire it on purpose.

Adults of all weight categories are susceptible to yet another variation of the virus known as Turbo Pox, which causes no physical symptoms but may result in paranoid fantasies about being audited.

Dr Hill says the best protection against Turbo Pox is to save your receipts.

If all those poxes weren’t frightening enough, a new animal influenza virus is making the rounds in Europe. Just as with Bird Flu and Swine Flu, Loch Ness Monster Flu will probably kill half the people on Earth by next year.

So far limited to one case in Scotland, the disease has already hurt the tourism industry there.

Scotty Scottsmeyer, a loch operator who works the afternoon shift at Loch Ness, tells The Anvil, “So round about every three years er so, aye, Nessie pops ‘er head up, gives me a stare like she’s gonna bite off me baw bag, but she never does, given that we have an understanding. Only this time, a couple days ago, she looks all peelly wally, like she’s gonna boak right there in the water. Her eyes is all crusty and she’s got a snout full of bogie.”

He added, “Ah’m no banger, so Ah scooted right off, had a few bellywashers, and called the CDC.”

An official at the Edinburgh office of the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) said Scottsmeyer was “talking gob shite,” which we can only assume means Loch Ness Monster Flu is highly contagious and likely to kill tens, if not hundreds of millions of people this year.

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Editorial note: Today’s image by Ethan B. Weinrib

Pharmaceutical company shoots down alien spaceship bearing miracle cure

Explosion releases enough radiation to give cancer to millions

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Bioluminescent aliens from Neptune bearing a cure-all serum head for Earth (the planet Saturn is visible through the spacecraft's center window). 10 hours later, they were dead.

 SOMERSET, NJ – It looks as if instant eradication of all the world’s diseases will have to wait.

Missiles fired yesterday from the lawn of New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca struck the Neptunian flagship CE3K at an altitude of 40,000 feet, destroying it and scattering radioactive debris across the tri-state area. The extraterrestrial craft was allegedly en route to the United Nations building in New York to deliver a “miracle” cure for all disease when it was hit.

It is unknown how many aliens were on board, but they are all assumed dead.

Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca spokesperson Delores Smokescreen, speaking to reporters yesterday afternoon, attempted to justify the company’s actions by saying, “Haven’t you ever seen V? How about Godzilla vs. Monster Zero? These so-called ‘benevolent’ aliens always have a hidden agenda.”

She went on to say, “Rent Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Netflix. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Reaction in our nation’s capital was initially one of outrage and disgust.

“Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca’s actions and words are appalling,” said President Obama from the White House last night. “Trying to compare this situation to Killer Klowns from Outer Space is absurd. Those Klowns never tried to disguise their intentions.”

However, Democrats and Republicans were forced to stop criticizing the drug company when reminded they are all lackeys for multi-billion-dollar corporations like Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca and should keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.

Neptune’s ruler, Klaatu Varada Nickto, issued an interplanetary statement this morning that read, in part, “We had hoped to usher in a new era of cooperation and scientific enlightenment by offering you a serum that would forever eliminate all disease from your planet. Unfortunately, you are not ready for that and never will be. Prepare to be destroyed.”

Religious groups and political figures around the world are condemning Nickto’s words today.

Evangelicals R Us president and multimillionaire F. A. Brimstone released  his own statement that read, “These Godless heathens want to inject Satan into our veins! They’re jealous because Neptune revolves around the Earth, as does the rest of the universe.”

The statement goes on to say, “Telescopes and math are the work of the Devil and should be destroyed.”

Just before this article went to press, Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “Anything we don’t immediately understand MUST be killed without question!”

Whether or not the aliens’ cure would have worked is under debate. Doctors and medical research scientists (who’ve seen a sample of the compound and read the data) say receiving the serum would have been the most profound event in human history, while others, who have no knowledge of science or medicine, deny that claim.

So why was the craft shot down?

“There’s no profit in a miracle cure,” speculates Medical Ethicist Kyohei Yamane, whose title prompts people to wonder how he makes a living doing that.

Meanwhile, Chester Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Oklahoma, vows to keep his shotgun nearby.

“They [the aliens] can keep their wacky health juice,” he says between fits of coughing. “I’m watching the skies. Tell them Klowns they better not try to set foot, or whatever squiggly things they use, on my property or else.”

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