Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Michele Bachmann

WASHINGTON DC – Minnesota congresswoman and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann admitted to reporters today that she is the indeed the notorious serial killer “Tea Bag Tom,” who has been terrorizing residents of eight northern states for over two years. Earlier in the week, Bachmann confirmed she was recently possessed by the spirit of executed murderer John Wayne Gacy, which could be the motive behind the killing spree.

“I envision an America where personal responsibility means something,” Bachmann said just after her confession. “That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to step up and take personal responsibility for my murders.”

Since March of 2009, 20 bodies have been found across a region stretching from Montana to Illinois. Though no obvious signs of trauma were evident on the victims’ corpses, police say their faces were all frozen in a look of terror that could only be caused by hearing the phrase, “President Michele Bachmann.” Reporters began calling the then-unidentified killer “Tea Bag Tom” when all the letters on their keyboards besides a, b, e, g, m, o, and t stopped working.

“We also tried ‘A Gate Tomb’ and ‘Eat Mat Bog,’ but they just didn’t have that ‘serial killer’ ring to them,” says Pinky Middleton, an investigative reporter for the Fargo Atlantic Press in North Dakota. “Plus, the killer signed the bodies with ‘Tom was here’ and stuffed tea bags in the victims mouths, which made the decision a bit easier.”

Political pundits are divided on how the murder confession will affect Bachmann’s presidential ambitions. Sean Hannity of Fox News told his viewers today, “Who cares? The victims were all prostitutes and liberals, which is the same thing anyway. She was doing the world a favor.”

Indeed, Bachmann says, “I support freedom for all Americans who are Christian conservative white people. My so-called ‘victims’ were freedom thieves, darn it.”

Not everyone agrees that Bachmann will emerge with her election hopes intact. Keith Olbermann of Current TV, whose name also ends in ‘mann’ but starts with ‘Olber,’ told his viewer today, “I’d say she’ll burn in hell for this, but we liberals are all secretly atheists anyway, and we don’t believe in that shiznit.”

Controversial commentator Glenn Beck weighed in on the issue this evening by telling his radio listeners that Michele Bachmann is a great American. He also said President Obama is putting nano-bots into the nation’s water supply that will take over our minds and make us beat up old ladies while voting for bigger government. He also cried and advised his listeners to buy Glenn Beck brand filtered water, which is “99.9 percent nano-bot free.”  

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Hi there, Anvil readers. Words below the asterisk can only mean one thing: I’m hyping my new Pure Film Creative post entitled “The underage-sex reverse Richter scale.” In it I talk movies, art, and perversion. Artful nudity warning, but, unless you are super uptight, I doubt you’ll be offended. Click here for the story.

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One-armed man singlehandedly de-feets shoe burglar

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanted: sole mate

BOISE, ID – Bloodshed, mayhem, and violence were chosen in our newsroom today as the three words we most wished we could use at the beginning of this story.

In other news, Boise’s notorious shoe burglar has been apprehended following a six-month manhunt involving a 600-person task force that included Idaho state police, the FBI, the CIA, Nancy Drew, and mall security. But despite the efforts of authorities and the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on the investigation, it took the sharp eye and quick thinking of a local one-armed shoe-lace-tying instructor to bring the criminal to justice.

Ravi Patel, who was teaching double knots to staff members at Foot Locker in the Boise Commons shopping mall, said he was in the middle of his presentation when he noticed something suspicious.

“This guy in a hooded sweatshirt was poking around the display,” says Patel, “and I noticed he had two left legs with what I guesstimated were size 11 feet at the bottom. I knew the shoe burglar only stole size 11 left shoes. I just put two and two together.”

 

Ravi Patel

After the burglar swiped an orange Reebok Zigtech and fled, Patel sprang into action. Witnesses say the brave instructor chased down the thug, tackled him, and, in an act of violence unsuitable for a PG-13 news journal like The Anvil, chopped off the baddie’s right left foot with a Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

“I hope he understands that stealing shoes is wrong and decides to mend his ways,” said Patel of the still-unidentified  burglar, who bled to death at the scene.

So does he feel like a hero for singlehandedly bringing down the state’s most wanted criminal?

“Meh,” said the instructor, who lost his left arm in a TV-watching accident ten years ago, “I do everything singlehandedly.”

Patel was later charged with murder and with possession of an illegal Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

 

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 Hi there, friends! My new PFC story, A Haunting in New Jersey, features a real life ghost, a glimpse into my rock and roll past, and lots of pretty people (clothed). Read it here!

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Anvil Limericks

editorial note: Please read the important message following these important limericks

 

By Lennie

 

There once was a blogger named Me

Who offered his brilliance for free

He’s not very wordy

His blogs are not dirty

Except the ones on PFC

 

Godzilla

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every news story’s a thriller

Not once have we posted filler*

But I might be a geek

Because once a week

I post a bit on Godziller

 

There once was a woman named Palin

Whose brain was perpetually failin’

She’s clucking her tongue

Her verbiage is dung

Maybe she needs a Pygmalion

 

Weiner sent lots of pics

To all of his favorite chicks

But to his surprise

They were seen by the eyes

Of all the Toms, Harrys, and Dicks

 

Not Alice Cooper

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’ve read this far you’re a trouper

Or perhaps you’re just in a stupor

This one’s for the chicks

As I troll for clicks

With a photograph of Bradley Cooper

 

 

* except today

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Hey Superfriends! Check out my new post “I’m Too Sexy for My Car” at Pure Film Creative. I promise no full frontal nudity this time!

 

In an Internet first, I talk about lying politicians, obnoxious drivers, and Dutch prostitutes from the 1700s… at the same time!  

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Scientists say cavemen were disgusting

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The chicken: Victim or Accomplice?

 

 

NEW YORK – A team of archeologists at New York’s Columbia University announced today that cavemen were disgusting. The discovery was made after the researchers did research.

 

“Humans who lived in the first agricultural societies about 10,000 years ago had some repulsive eating habits,” said Dr. Doug Bones, who led the project. “Can you believe they actually monitored the menstrual cycle of captive hens [female chickens] and devoured the animals’ output? They even used the stuff for cooking prehistoric pancakes.”

 

The scientists were able to piece the evidence together after unearthing stone frying pans and spatulas alongside early boxes of Bisquick.

 

Dr. Bones adds, “What do you expect from people who were too lazy to write anything down, forcing folks like me to spend our precious time digging in dirty fields instead of playing golf?”

 

When asked if it was appropriate for reporters to call these early farmers ‘cavemen,’ Bones said, “Don’t be stupid. They didn’t live in caves. You’re thinking of Neanderthals, a human subspecies that died out thousands of years beforehand. But if it makes your trashy headline more lurid, go for it.”

 

So what caused the Neanderthals to perish while our ancestors thrived?

 

“Did I say they died out? I meant to say they became reporters,” Dr. Bones explains.

 

Scientists aren’t the only ones who think eating a hen period is disgusting. Sunny Sydupp, who owns Sunny’s House of Omelets in Muncie, Indiana says, “So you mean this stuff came out of a chicken’s you-who-what and then they ate it? That doesn’t go over easy with me.”

 

Disgusting? Science says "yes"

Sydupp’s business partner, Meg Benedict, adds, “Are we talking about those guys on the Geico commercial? Ew. I knew they were perverts.”

 

Adding to the mystery is why a South American university, Columbia, is located in New York City.

 

Oxford professor and expert on weird university names, Sir Edmund Bollocks, says, “I think you’re confusing Columbia with Colombia. One has a ‘u’ and the other has an ‘o,’” which makes him look like a pompous jerk, since we can obviously tell our vowels apart.

 

When asked if he was willing to say something topical about the Anthony Weiner photo scandal, Sarah Palin’s e-mails, or Tracy Morgan’s homophobic rant to help this story draw more clicks, he said, “No.”

Lady Gaga?

“No.”

 

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Hillary Clinton e-mails picture of her clint

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Exclusive: Hillary's shocking Twitter pic

WASHINGTON DC – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted today to e-mailing a picture of her pet turtle, Clint, to at least six of her Twitter followers recently.

“My Clint is cute as a button,” Clinton told reporters today. “I wanted people to see it.”

The turtle is so named, says the doting pet owner, for its alleged resemblance to Academy Award ™ winning actor and director Clint Eastwood, and not because of her last name. The likeness between the star and Clinton’s reptile could not be independently confirmed at press time.

Among Clinton’s Twitter followers is New York Democratic Congressman and popular underwear model Anthony Weiner, who made headlines himself recently for his own controversial e-mails. He says he understands what Clinton is going through.

“I sent pictures of my Weiner to people,” the congressman told The Anvil via telephone today. “And some folks were a little upset. But I thought it was adorable and the chicks dig it.”

Weiner is Weiner’s pet snake.

Oxford University professor and expert on reptile photographs Sir Edmund Bollocks said people are uncomfortable with turtle pictures because the animals live so long.

“Turtles are like little, shelled, soul-stealing monsters,” says Bollocks. “We mammals wither and age and lose control of our bowels, yet turtles just live and live and live like they own the place. If they ever learn to talk, they’ll be quite in demand. ‘Of course I knew Churchill,’ and so forth.”

Clinton said she’s not sorry about sending the picture.

“People are always shouting, ‘show us your… cat,’” she explains. “Cats are fine, but turtles need attention too.”

No word on whether Newt Gingrich plans to email photos of his pet amphibian or Dick Durbin intends to distribute pictures of his next campaign poster.

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2011: The Year in Pictures

Gamera the Flying Turtle monster makes triumphant return to Washington DC

These exclusive images, taken by our award-winning team of photojournalists, represent the finest in Pulitzer-prize-nominated… er, images. Because we go by the Mercurian year, which is only 88 days, we are able to bring you the year’s best pictures many months before anyone else can. Suck it, Time/Life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Splitsville! Bielzilla is no more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jedi weapons are no match for Darth Megalon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Splitsville! MechaHugh in no more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another barrier comes crashing down: The first Smog Monster weatherman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Megan's touch makes Godzilla overheat. We'd have just peed our pants.