Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘John McCain’

Arizona passes harsh ‘anti-harsh law’ law

Posted by oldancestor on May 3, 2010



By Eric J Baker


PHOENIX – In response to recent controversy over the state’s harsh anti-immigration law, Arizona lawmakers have passed tough new legislation that prevents further passage of tough new legislation in the state.

“This ought to put a stop to the nonsense,” said Governor Jan Brewer at a press conference in Phoenix yesterday. “Any state legislator who tries to make Arizona look intolerant and fascistic to the rest of the country will be taken outside and shot in the back of the head, no questions asked.”

However, a provision of the law allows for the accused party to challenge his accuser to a gun duel in the streets.

Proponents are hailing the return of frontier justice.

Said Tombstone Mayor Ashleigh Clanton, “Arizona was founded on people killing people without due process, and it’s high time we got back to that.”

Invoking executive privilege, Clanton ordered the city’s streets unpaved and the police to abandon DNA testing and computer databases in favor of tacking up wanted posters. Local officials who had hoped to overturn the ruling were killed by Clanton’s gang in a gunfight at the OK Corral late last night.

An eyewitness from Florida, believing the shootout was a tourist attraction, said, “The animatronics were ‘meh.’”

In Washington, President Obama praised Arizona’s newest new legislation.

“The only way to defeat a draconian law is with an even bigger draconian law,” said the President. “Somehow, out of all this mess, I hope, someone, somewhere, will benefit. A regular person, though. Not a big, greedy bank.”

Arizona Senator John McCain called his own press conference for noon yesterday, showing up in the early evening after driving around lost and befuddled for several hours, convinced he was going to a convenience store to buy milk.

“My friends, enacting laws on top of laws on top of laws isn’t going to solve the problems of illegal immigration,” said the Republican Senator, who has stoked controversy many times in his political career for taking stances unpopular with conservative voters.

He went on to say, “It’s the Japs. You don’t know which ones you can trust. We’ve got to round them up so we can keep an eye on them.”

After the senator shouted “incoming,” and dove under the stage, McCain’s daughter Meghan stepped to the podium and answered questions. Several male reporters in the room were believed to have thought, va voom!

“I think Senator McCain is right,” said Arizona resident and third-generation Hispanic-American John Ramirez. “It’s the Japs.”

As violence spilled onto the streets of Arizona cities and hundreds were killed in shootouts, the entertainment industry was quick to sit up and take notice. Production is already underway on volumes one through three of the DVD series Girls Gone Violent, which will feature drunken college girls engaging in gun duels while topless.

Tom Bergeron, host of the hit reality television show America’s Funniest Legislation said, “Keep passing those laws, Arizona. You could win ten or even a hundred-thousand dollars!”         

In international news, Mexican lawmakers have proposed building a security fence along the border between Mexico and Arizona to block the expected flood of refugees.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

President McCain assassinated by Vice President Palin

Posted by oldancestor on April 27, 2010



By Eric J Baker


QUANTUM WASHINGTON – Yesterday, in the alternate universe, President John McCain was stabbed in the heart by Vice President Sarah Palin while the pair was touring the ruins of Quantum Teheran following Quantum America’s unprovoked nuclear attack. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Palin was sworn in as president within the hour by Death Squad Commander Sean Hannity, though Hannity was later beheaded by Ensign Pavol Chekov in an act of apparent usurpation.

President Palin was whisked back to the Quantum US, where she quickly executed McCain’s surviving cabinet members and shaved her pointy beard.

From the White House there, the new President promised Americans a smooth leadership transition as well as a renewed focus on job creation and energy independence.

“President McCain was a naïve old fool and he died badly for it,” said a winking Palin. “Should Americans feel good about the future? You betcha!”

Palin also demanded each American family sacrifice a goat in her honor or face “unpleasant” repercussions.

In a show of authority, Palin took a sniper rifle atop the 30-foot-high concrete security wall surrounding the White House to help repel a daring daylight attack led by liberal terrorist, revolutionary, and television pundit Keith Olbermann.

Olbermann, who survived, later claimed on his show, Countdown to Assassination, that President Palin was today’s “Worst person in the wooooorld!”

“Does he think what happened up in Iran was bad?” Palin asked in response. “The Iranis had it easy!”

It is widely believed Palin encouraged the annihilation of Quantum Iran so she’d no longer have to say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s name, a task which often left her confused and tired.

Here in our universe, Americans are often shocked at the degree of violence exhibited by our quantum counterparts, but assassinations and overthrows are considered business-as-usual there. Quantum humans also frequently start angry, ranting political movements in which people hold up logic-defying posters depicting presidents in the likeness of Hitler and carry signs covered with hysterical misspellings. Also, Quantum Republican and Democratic politicians often tell savage lies and run manipulative and deceptive advertisements, in contrast to here, where politicians only ever engage in civil and respectful debate and ordinary Americans value intelligent discourse over clueless shouting.

However, it’s a mistake to think of us as good and quantum humans as evil. For example, it is unclear whether their Sarah Palin or our Sarah Palin is the evil one.

When approached for comment on alternate Palin’s hostile takeover, quantum man-on-the-street Pinky Middleton turned wide-eyed with fear and silently shook his head in a way that suggested, “Get the hell away from me. They’ll kill me if they see me talking to you.”

Alternate universes are generally thought to be created when hot-but-strangely-creepy doctors named Juliet Burke smash a hydrogen bomb with a rock. However, a small number of scientists disagree, believing such universes have long existed and are accidentally discovered during transporter malfunctions.

How can smashing an H-bomb create an alternate universe? Quantum physicists expect to have an answer by 11 pm on May 23rd, though few people will likely be satisfied by their conclusion.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »