THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘unemployment’

7 Common Resume Mistakes

Posted by oldancestor on September 5, 2011

By Robotman

In an effort to cut costs, The Anvil is asking our readers to draw their own picture today

We all know the job market is tough right now. So what can employment seekers do to improve their chances of getting hired? Well, they can start by avoiding some common resume mistakes that will sink their candidacy before it ever sets sail. They should also eliminate corny or bad metaphors in their writing, though that’s a different post. Tangents that go nowhere are not recommended either.

So what are these resume mistakes, you ask? The Anvil spoke to some leading HR professionals to get the inside story:

Mistake # 6 – Numbering your lists incorrectly

“If you promise a list with seven things on it, there should be seven things,” says Brenda Shinbone-Pepperpaste, a human resources consultant with Everything But Human Resources Consulting International, a phony offshore company. On the other hand, she adds, “no one really puts lists on a resume, so forget that I said it.”

Mistake # 5 – Boasting about all the murders you did

You may be a self-employed serial killer who has managed to strangle and hide the bodies of over 20 prostitutes without getting caught. So bragging about it on a resume makes you look ambitious and inventive, right?

Wrong.

“You don’t want hiring managers to think ‘manual labor’ when they see your skill sets,” says Dan Walkingstick, a staffing expert with Omaha International Train Station. “I suggest that people try to get others to do the killing for them. We’re looking for leadership skills.”

Mistake # 4 – Writing your resume with spray paint on the side of a building

It’s a bitch to get that puppy into an email, says Walkingstick. “Most employers use the internet for job stuff now.”

Mistake # 3 – Leaving a dead bird on the hiring manager’s windowsill

“It’s best to stick with a digital-document resume,” explains Shinbone-Pepperpaste. “We know a lot more about germs these days.”

Indeed, popular job-search website monster.com stopped offering dead bird delivery services in 1765 and rival Careerbuilder.com followed suit shortly afterward in 1818, following the birth of Emily Brontë.

Mistake # 2 – Not proofreeding

“Typos will send your resume straight into the recycling bin,” says notorious mass murderer Henry Wayne Ipswich.

He also adds, “Your hair looks pretty. Can I touch it?”

Mistake # 1 – Sending out resumes

There aren’t actually any jobs. Wouldn’t you rather be at the beach anyway?

Don’t miss our other amazing lists, including:

The 5 numbers most likely to come before six

The 11 most ill-behaved celebrity chinchillas

The 6 most common things no one has ever said before

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Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Economists warn of job losses in evil dictator industry

Posted by oldancestor on February 22, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Idi Amin, former dictator of Uganda, living in exile on Planet X

 

WASHINGTON DC – The rising tide of civil unrest across the Middle East and northern Africa may bode well for democracy, but it isn’t doing much to help jobless figures. Each time a brutal regime is overthrown, say economists, another name goes on the unemployment roll.

“It’s true,” says Mary Smith, an economist.

While she may feel comfortable showing a flippant, heartless attitude when discussing people’s ruined careers and lost dreams, the grim news is hitting close to home for some.

“I hate being a statistic,” says Hosni Mubarak, 82, who recently lost his job as oppressive ruler of Egypt. “I want to work, but who is going to hire me at my age when some kid fresh out of college is willing to crush rebellion and stifle freedom for a quarter of my salary?”

Skeletor, who briefly ruled Eternia before being overthrown by He-Man (also not elected) two years ago, claims to have turned in over 200 applications since then without landing a single job interview.

“I’ve commanded legions of beasts. I’ve turned skies black. I’ve laid siege to magic castles,” he says. “But will anyone hire me? No. I also have a masters degree in business administration, by the way.”

Even those still employed in the industry are feeling the pressure. Muammar Gaddafi, who has ruled Libya for over 40 years, says can feel change in the air.

“Sure, I go on TV and say, ‘dissent will not be tolerated, you infidel dogs,’ or ‘you guys are about to accidentally open up a big can of whoop-ass that cannot be closed,’” he told The Anvil today via telephone from his home in Tripoli. “But, realistically, they’ll probably shoot me one of these days.”

Gaddafi adds with a laugh, “At least I hope they shoot me! What else can I do for a living?  Barista at Starbucks? Oppressing people and sponsoring terrorism is all I know.”

Other economists, who are not such icy bitches as Mary Smith, sympathize with the plight of Mubarak and others but also believe the evil dictator industry has not changed with the times.

Ricky Roma of Mitch and Murray, a New York-based economic policy think tank, says, “Kids don’t get into the language of evil dictators these days.  Look at the guy in North Korea, what’s his name. The deadbeat. Kim something. He says, ‘I, your dear leader, will wield the mighty sword of the free workers to combat the enemies of justice bla bla bla. Who tawks like that?”

Roma says young people are the consumers who drive the world leader market these days. “They want someone edgy and hip, not some weirdo in a Cossack uniform who listens to Edith Piaf records and collects antique deep-sea-diving helmets.”

When asked who he thinks will be the next ruler of North Korea will be, Roma smiles and says, “Kanye, of course. You ask me twelve, fifteen years ago, I say Prince. But it’s Kanye. Don’t quote me.”

Don’t miss Part Two of our one-part series on evil dictators tomorrow, when we interview Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Than Shwe of Myanmar, and the editor of The Anvil.

[Perhaps you should start preparing a story on unemployed journalists. You can file it freelance- ed.]

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Posted in Business | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

Labor Day: America pauses to remember employment

Posted by oldancestor on September 5, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Wanted: Trudy, 53, last seen Wednesdays from 6 to midnight at Jiggle's GoGo Palace

In a show of solidarity with the unemployed, Americans who have the last of the nation’s existing jobs (thanks to a grandfather clause) will take Monday off from work and goof around like their out-of-work counterparts do everyday. Office workers will host backyard barbeques. Road crews will trade shovels for beach umbrellas. Depressed journalists will file their stupid Labor Day fluff pieces and then hit the bar, numbing their meaningless lives with shot after shot of Southern Comfort and waking up nine hours later next to a 53-year-old stripper named Trudy, with no memory of what transpired between.

At what is sure to be a solemn ceremony, President Obama will hang a memorial wreath on the door of a downtown Washington DC unemployment office Monday and say something like, “While we encourage Americans to go out and have a great time, it’s important that we all take a moment to remember employment. Millions of jobs gave their lives so bank CEOs can buy yachts. We must never forget that.”

Some readers may remember the Employment Period, which lasted from the dawn of civilization until 2008, with a notable pause in the early 1930s. During this time, people were often able to acquire jobs in exchange for financial compensation from job providers, frequently called “employers.” Most jobs were soul-sucking, meaningless affairs that left their holders depressed shells of human beings, but the compensation enabled them to purchase DVDs and shoes, thus mitigating the pain and encouraging them to continue working.

Some claim that jobs will become available again if the federal government passes tough new anti-immigration laws.

Conservative figurehead, author, politician, and attention whore Sarah Palin held a rally south of Fairfax, Virginia Sunday, calling it “Taking Back Real America,” at which she claimed lax immigration policies have led to undocumented Mexicans taking all the manufacturing jobs as well as Information Technology and middle-management corporate positions.

“People say all the jobs have gone overseas,” Palin told thousands of cheering supporters. “And they’re right… If ‘overseas’ means America and ‘jobs’ means people from Mexico, who, let me tell you, don’t even speak American most of the time.”

As onlookers struggled to make sense of her analogy, she went on to say, “But we’re starting to turn the tide. New immigration laws in North Carolina sure chased away Hurricane Earl in a big hurry. Even fake America was spared, but do they appreciate it? Nooooo!”

Earl, an undocumented category 4 hurricane, attempted to make landfall in North Carolina’s barrier islands but was repelled. It eventually entered Canada through Nova Scotia, which is known for its flimsy border security.

Pinky Middleton, a meteorologist from the National Weather Service in Chicago, says that Earl may still try to sneak into the US from somewhere along the eastern portion of the country’s border with Canada.

“These illegal hurricanes are crafty,” says Middleton, “But he’s liable to find himself out of luck. There aren’t any jobs left.”

Indeed, searches for “natural disaster” on Careerbuilder.com, Monster, and Hotjobs did not return any hits.

In other news, Trudy, I want my wallet back.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

Aliens are stealing all the good jobs!

Posted by oldancestor on August 13, 2010

An editorial by Lennie

____________________ 

As just another one of the countless ignorant masses*, you don’t have access to information that we, the media elite, are privy to. But unlike my brethren, I don’t hide the truth. I’m just going to say it:

Aliens are stealing our jobs.

You may not like what I’m about to tell you, but it must be explained, for the future of our nation depends on it.

I just found out there are about 8 million fewer jobs today than there were three years ago, and the government doesn’t know where they went. I looked on Yahoo and a lot of people were saying “Illegal aliens are taking all the good jobs!” At first I was like, duh. There’s no law on the books that says aliens are illegal. Besides, how could we arrest them if they were? They have spaceships that fly faster than light. We have cop cars. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do that math.

Seriously, rocket scientists have more important things to do than think about obvious stuff. Like building flying cops cars maybe?

But then I read on one of the Internets that a Youtube video of an alien ship in Brazil can’t possibly be fake. Now, I’m no rocket scientist (didn’t we go over that already?), but I’m starting to see a conspiracy. You should know I’m not one of those paranoid people who believes every little conspiracy that comes along, but there are a few we know to be true:

1. An alien spacecraft is being stored at Area 51 in Loch Ness, Scotland

2. The moon landing was filmed by aliens (who else could have held the camera for Neil Peart when he stepped off the Eagle Has Landed to set foot on the moon for the first time?)

3. Michael Jackson

Factor these elements in with 8,000,000 missing jobs; millions of erudite, informed, and not-the-least-bit-wacky Yahoo users saying aliens took those jobs; and aliens that come and go as they please, and there is only one inescapable conclusion:

It would have been pretty dramatic if I started this paragraph with “Aliens are stealing our jobs,” but I did that earlier in this story, and doing it twice would make me look kind of stupid [never – Ed.].

Even the entertainment business is suffering. Lindsay Lohan was just fired from the upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. That makes the score: 8,000,001 jobs – Aliens, zero jobs – Humans.

What are these extraterrestrials doing with these jobs? There is only one inescapable conclusion:

Aliens are using our jobs for food.

Perhaps their planet has no food left and they eat jobs there. Sure, that seems weird, but stop being so close-minded and ignorant to the wonders of science. Just because we eat gummy bears and marshmallowy orange peanuts, it doesn’t mean aliens have to eat real food too.

I urge you all to write your local Secretary of Defense and demand the government spend more money to stop aliens from taking our jobs. As of right now, we have exactly one International Space Station protecting Earth from invasion.

Hi. The Earth has two sides. Any alien with half a brain (although that might be normal on their planet… keep an open mind!) will just sneak up from the other side.

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*There are 281,740,611 of you to be exact. Man, you guys are breeding like jackrabbits.

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Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Zombie apocalypse eases unemployment, boosts retail sales

Posted by oldancestor on June 15, 2010

BUT UNDERTAKER AND GRAVEYARD INDUSTRIES STILL REELING

 

By Eric J Baker

 

 

These zombies say they have rights, too, and are demanding fair representation in Washington

WASHINGTON, DC – Stocks closed higher yesterday amidst promising news on the economic front: Jobless rates are falling, according to the latest Labor Department data, and retail sales are inching up, which could indicate consumer confidence is on the rise. Most experts and government officials attribute the improved conditions to the zombie apocalypse currently sweeping the globe.

At a press conference yesterday morning, Labor Department spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel told reporters the unemployment rate now stands at 7.3 percent and is falling fast.

“And these aren’t those bullsh*t numbers we’ve been giving out,” she said. “Like counting temporary census workers or not counting people whose benefits ran out. This is the real deal.”

It is believed over a million out-of-work Americans have been devoured by the undead in recent weeks and, therefore, are no longer being tallied with the unemployed. Other workers have been hired by the government to scour the countryside in search of the pesky flesh eaters.

“It’s not hard work, killing zombies,” says Pinky Middleton, a former software engineer from Topeka, Kansas. “Beat ‘em or burn ‘em. They go up pretty easy.”

Some on the right are critical of the Labor Department report, saying it’s not fair to count temporary zombie killers as fully employed.

“President Obama likes to take credit for improved numbers, but Americans want to see real progress on joblessness, not some sham portable slaughterhouse routine,” GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul said yesterday. “We need to allow private business owners to use zombies as slaves, thus saving them money on payroll. Once that saved money trickles down, watch out! Happy days are here again.”

Elsewhere, sporting goods stores and discount retailers like K-Mart and Target report brisk sales of bullets and rifles while home-improvement chains are having trouble keeping wood and nails in stock.

National retailers Lowe’s and Home Depot are now sending teams out to board up people’s houses in trucks labeled “Zombie Squad.”

“A lot of our customers have lost loved ones after zombies penetrated their home defenses,” says Woody Plank, Home Depot’s National Sales Director. “We give them the peace of mind they need to sleep at night.”

Home Depot is offering money back to any customers who are bitten by zombies or become zombies after using the company’s home-boarding service.

Some economists warn that the improved economic numbers are only temporary and will drop after the inevitable collapse of civilization.

Says MSNBC analyst Dylan Ratigan, “When the entire human race has been transformed into the rotting, mindless undead, because that’s what’s coming, will the unemployment rate be 0% or 100%? It’s an interesting philosophical question.”

Not everyone is worried. Author and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, standing atop the roof of her Alaska home as she picks off zombies with a high-powered rifle, says, “Americans are a pretty clever bunch ‘o people, don’t cha know. We have a way of makin’ orange juice out of oranges.”

After ‘accidentally’ shooting television reporter Katie Couric, who was on the lawn below interviewing one of the undead, Palin added, “Gotcha, journalist!”

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Al Qaeda-in-Iraq plans to lay off 300 staffers; mostly terrorists

Posted by oldancestor on June 10, 2010

News sends stocks tumbling

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Al Qaeda's leader Osama Bin Liden spends lavishly while hourly terrorists struggle to make ends meet

BAGHDAD – At a press conference yesterday, Al Qaeda-in-Iraq CEO Kassim Burani announced the not-for-prophet organization was slashing 300 jobs in the coming weeks. With the Nintendo Wii and a slate of Apple products like the iPhone and iPad siphoning interest away from Jihad, he says, the reduction in staff is necessary to stave off bankruptcy. Those in the industry hope a refocused effort will help terrorism recapture its competitive edge.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I make this decision,” Burani told reporters, “but we need to be a leaner company to survive in the current economic climate.”

Some economists have been warning as early as 2006 the organization was growing too rapidly and setting its sights too high.

CNBC’s Jim Cramer explains, “If the economic growth we’d seen in the first half of the decade was sustainable, they’d have been fine, but it wasn’t sustainable. They also blew up too many crowded marketplaces too fast. There weren’t enough people to kill after a while.”

Others point to business decisions that turned off long-time customers and hurt the brand’s image.

“When we look back on this in a few years,” says Wall Street Journal business editor Pappy Zettlemoyer, “we’ll see the turning point in [Al Qaeda-in-Iraq’s] fortunes came when they decided to sponsor the Van Halen: Dinosaurs of Rock reunion tour. They lost some credibility there.”

He went on to say, “I mean because rock and roll is supposedly decadent, not because it was Van Halen. Then again…”  

Employees of the terror organization say talk of layoffs has everyone looking over their shoulders.

“It’s been awful for morale,” explains roadside bomber Pinky Azzad. “They already told us we weren’t getting the 72 virgins we were promised. Now this. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose my job.”

The 72-Virgin Pact, similar to a 401K investment plan, was designed to lure workers in the 1980s, when the economy was booming and employers were desperate to fill positions. Nowadays, Al Qaeda-in-Iraq is struggling to make payroll and work is scarce, necessitating cutbacks in benefits.

Al Qaeda-in-Iraq’s parent company, Al Qaeda, has come under scrutiny for a seemingly aloof response to the problems of its satellite organizations. The notoriously tight-lipped leadership group has yet to issue a public statement about the layoffs, much less pump in needed funds. And the company now faces a growing scandal after CEO and president Osama Bin Laden issued himself 200 bonus virgins, an ill-timed move from a public relations perspective.

“Sure. He gets to reside in a luxurious cave in the resort region along the Pakistan and Afghanistan border while we pick sand out of our butt cracks,” complains Pinky Azzad. “To think this used to be a good place to work.”

Indeed, Al Qaeda rose as high as number 11 on Forbes Magazine’s annual 100 Best Places to Work list, but that was back in 2001. Now the once-proud bunch of murderers is scrambling to stay afloat in a bad economy and has seen its market share dwindle. Relentless attacks from US Predator drone aircraft haven’t helped.     

Al Qaeda spokesperson Tariq “Tiny” Al-Fazzah challenges that assertion, saying, “The mosquito bites of the infidels’ insect planes are worthless in the face of the almighty and righteous bug spray with which we cast them from the Earth and into hell.”

Al-Fazzah was killed by a missile fired from a US Predator drone before he had time to clarify his statement.

Roadside bomber Azzad admits he wouldn’t mind if about 300 more of his colleagues fell victim to drone attacks.

“I’m not usually such a cold-blooded guy,” said the terrorist, “but, hey, I need my job.”

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Study: Unemployed too lazy to take jobs that don’t exist

Posted by oldancestor on June 9, 2010

Also: Out-of-work Americans begin turning into mysterious gooey substance after 6 months, say potential employers

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Unemployed people quickly forget how to perform the simplest tasks, such as using a computer keyboard

CLAMSHAFT, ID – The results of a study released yesterday by the Belligerent Idiots Society of America (BISA) show the unemployed to be shiftless do-nothings who are unwilling to get off their lazy asses and find work that isn’t there.

BISA president Chester Tool says, “This just proves what I been sayin’ all along: All those millions of people who were employed before the recession hit were only faking at working hard and being knowledgeable. They were just dreaming of the day they could sit at home and collect free socialist money at 1/3 their former salary.”

The study, conducted without the usual distractions of scientific method and legitimacy, took over two days to complete.

“I looked at all them comments on Yahoo,” says Madge Tool, Chester’s sister-in-law, who collected the data. “Everybody was sayin’ ‘Get a job you lazy bums’ and all that. It was pretty convincing.”

Madge relates a personal story that supports her findings, anecdotally at least.

“So I talked to this feller who spent 12 years workin’ his way through school and got hisself one of them fancy PhDs. Got some fancy job for ten years then he gets laid off. ‘Get a job, you lazy bum,’ I wanted to say, only I didn’t ‘cause he looked so sad, like a dog that gets kicked all the time.”

The man from Madge’s story, like so many other unemployed people with advanced degrees, is most likely unwilling to take a hypothetical job at McDonalds, which seems to confirm the study’s conclusion that such people have no work ethic.

In separate study commissioned by the Potential Employers Coalition (PEC), a loose affiliation of American businesses, unemployed people were found to have a shelf-life of no more than 5 months and 29 days.

“It’s really sad because we’d love to hire these people,” said coalition chairman Fred Bigbonus, “but the results clearly prove that, once they hit that six month mark, they’re expired.”

The study identifies progressive stages of degeneration in the unemployed. At six months, all knowledge and experience evaporates, followed by brain liquefaction. At seven months, bones become brittle and subjects become untrainable. At nine months, the entire body melts down into gelatinous ooze, useful only as a toxic sludge to feed chickens.

“It’s tragic,” says Bigbonus. “But… maybe if they weren’t such lazy scum, they’d have gone out and gotten jobs, so I can’t feel too bad.”

Waiting for out-of-work Americans to melt certainly sounds like a neat and tidy solution to the problem of unemployment, but a far greater threat looms: What to do with all the leftover ooze. There just aren’t enough hungry chickens.

“It’s a coming environmental catastrophe on a scale as yet unseen in all of human history,” says Pinky Middleton, some guy from the internet. “Besides the close to 15 million unemployed people, you have millions more who are only working part time. Those folks are losing fingers, ears, toes. Stuff like that. Where are we going to put it all?”  

So far, the only treatment for the melting condition (known as Rebar’s Disease) requires the unemployed to kill the employed and eat their flesh, though that only staves off tissue degeneration for a short time and doesn’t reverse it.

“I had no idea when I started writing this article,” says a fake news reporter who declined to give his name, “that it would end with a bizarre reference to the obscure 1977 film, The Incredible Melting Man.”

Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

Obama’s new jobs plan: Unemployed to be frozen, thawed when economy improves

Posted by oldancestor on May 6, 2010

ELITE FEW TO BE SENT INTO SPACE INSIDE HOLLOWED ASTEROID

 

By Eric J Baker

 

NASA astronauts prepare to turn asteroid into Space Ark

WASHINGTON – At a White House press briefing this morning, President Obama announced a new plan to help out-of-work Americans get by until the economy improves: He’s calling for the unemployed to be cryogenically frozen and awakened only when suitable jobs become available. The program will be run on a first-frozen/first-thawed basis and is expected to be paid for with leftover TARP funds.

“Thanks to advances in science,” the President said, “Americans now have more job flexibility than ever before.”

The Department of Labor (DOL) estimates most people will only be ‘on ice’ for six months to two years. According to DOL spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel, “Many of you won’t even miss the Super Bowl.” Though, she later added, “People should probably set their DVR just in case.”

Those formerly employed in manufacturing and technology jobs that have been outsourced to Asia face the longest freeze times. Economists expect such individuals will be activated around 2085, when the US is due to become a third-world country and India and China have to outsource those jobs back here.

The President’s announcement was met with immediate backlash.

“Why don’t they freeze up all them Meskins that’s takin’ the good jobs?” asked Skeeter Bandy, 37, at a political rally for arch-conservative radio host and congressional candidate Jock Bloat. “And you might as well do all the faygs while yer at it.”

“I find Mr. Bandy’s comments reprehensible,” said candidate Bloat as he accepted Mr. Bandy’s campaign donation. “I want all the Mexicans and gays to know I value their vote as well, even if God hates them.”

It could not be independently confirmed if Bloat is authorized to speak on behalf of a deity.

The technology of cryogenics has come a long way in the past three hundred years. The original chambers were about the size of a bus and featured glass lids. Early experiments often met with tragedy, as chambers were placed in caves and frequently destroyed by falling stalactites. Also, with cave temperatures not nearly cold enough to freeze a human being, those participants who weren’t killed often suffered from extreme boredom.

Today’s unemployed Americans can look forward to much more streamlined, comfortable units.

“You just press the green button,” said scientist and designer Ron Popeil, demonstrating the pill-shaped device to reporters, who cheered. “As soon as you hear a ‘thwunk’ the person is frozen. To thaw, just press it again!”

Recently revived businessman Walter Disney had nothing but positive things to say.

“Never felt better,” he said before commencing his stoutness exercises.

A second phase of Obama’s plan, which some feel was added to win Republican support in Congress, involves the hollowing of an asteroid to make room for thousands of cryogenic chambers. The massive rock will then be outfitted with ion engines and launched into deep space in the hopes that its onboard ‘sleepers’ can find jobs on another planet.

As practical and plausible as this project may seem, there is a problem.

“We have plenty of money to buy all the freezing chambers and prepare the asteroid,” says NASA engineer Roopvhan Arpawashowani, “but we have no one to do the work. It’s a shame, because it’s easy and pays well.”

Even earthbound cryogenics programs are hitting a snag: A shortage of workers to build and operate the equipment.

“Sometimes there’s just no answer,” admits Arpawashowani.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Breaking News: Jobless rate plunges!

Posted by oldancestor on April 16, 2010

8 MILLION “LOST” JOBS ACTUALLY JUST MISPLACED

By Eric J Baker

 

WASHINGTON – The over eight million jobs thought lost since the recent recession began in late 2007 have been located, federal officials said today. It is believed a clerical error at the Department of Labor (DOL) resulted in the snafu.

“As of noon today, the national unemployment rate will be adjusted from 9.7 percent to 3.8 percent,” said DOL spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel. “We apologize if this has caused any inconvenience.”

The original figure of 9.7 percent had led to mild concern amongst a small number of federal officials and, to lesser extent, the nation.

Biscuitbarrel also said the staffer responsible for the glitch is no longer employed with the DOL, and, therefore, even the figure of 3.8 percent is somewhat inflated by that staffer now being out of work.

The Obama administration was quick to take credit for the stunning turnaround. “Out-of-work Americans should be encouraged to learn they’ve actually been working all along,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters. He promised swift, bipartisan action on the part of the President, though he went on to describe the Republican minority in congress as “uncooperative pricks.” 

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) acted quickly, introducing legislation aimed at updating the nation’s resumes to eliminate gaps created by the Labor Department’s clerical error. “Only by establishing a National Department of Resume Management can we ensure fairness for all Americans,” Reid said. A component of the bill, if passed, would require businesses to ignore a person’s qualifications when filling a vacancy. It was not known who will be named to head the 200-billion-dollar federal agency, but sources say it will be someone incompetent.

News of the Labor Department’s mistake stoked anger in an already frustrated populace.

At a rally this afternoon in front of the Capitol Building, protestor Joe Everyman said, “I wouldn’t have lost my house if I’d known I still had a job.” Everyman says he lost his house after he forgot where he lives.

“I’m angry,” said fellow protestor Steve Everyman (no relation), who held a sign with the words I’m STILL mad about Attack of the Clones scrawled across the front. “But I’m always angry about something.”

“The government shouldn’t be in the business of creating jobs,” added Mary Benefits, a Department of Health and Human Services employee who took the day off to join the protest.

Others were more philosophical.

“It’s quite fascinating,” said William Hubris, chairman of Leyman-Sax, an insider trading firm on Wall Street in New York. “They’re like ants, all scurrying about, so self-important in their tiny, little, meaningless world.”

Hubris, watching the rally from his penthouse office on a giant screen that shows him anything he wants to see, added, “If only they knew I could smash their pathetic little ant-farm of a world on a whim. It’s only through my benevolence and generosity that I allow them to eek out even one more miserable and pointless day of existence.”

The Obama administration said it is taking steps to return the misplaced jobs to their rightful owners.

“People need to be patient,” advised Press Secretary Gibbs. “There are going to be looooong lines.”

The White House said it expects most, if not all, jobs to be returned by 2014.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »