THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell 2012!

Posted by oldancestor on September 25, 2010

By Eric J Baker

 

Brain Chart (Courtesy of Princeton University’s Neuroscience Department)

WASHINGTON DC – Scientists from Princeton University reported yesterday that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and Delaware’s Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate Christine O’Donnell each have 2,012 stupid thoughts per day. Only about five to ten of these thoughts are articulated verbally, say scientists.

“We didn’t think it was possible for people whose heads are crowded with so much nonsense to function in society,” says head researcher Dr. Herbert West. “But there you have it.”

West says these stupid thoughts most likely explain the string of ethics lapses, acts of hypocrisy, and “almost pathological” misunderstanding of civics displayed by both women.

Then how does one account for the financial success and notoriety garnered by Palin and O’Donnell?

“Look, I’m sure the dodo bird was a shrewd animal,” says West.

According to the Princeton report, researchers asked each woman to wear a university-provided thought-reading helmet for ten days. The helmet, constructed from coconuts, a police car flasher, and the rudder from the S.S. Minnow, collects thoughts on a flash drive and sorts them into stupid and non-stupid files. Palin’s least-stupid thoughts came when she was eating Cheerios and putting her shoes on the correct feet. O’Donnell’s occurred when she brushed her teeth using the gentle, short strokes suggested by her dentist.

Despite the apparent effectiveness of the helmet, some are questioning the researchers’ ethics.

“I think these women were duped for the purpose of making Republicans look bad,” House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) told Joe Scarborough, host of MSNBC’s Morning Joe. “They were told it was a ‘GOP purity helmet.’ Then again, if they believed that, I guess they are stupid.”

Boehner did maintain that the Princeton University report is the kind of document that gives fake-news journals easy opportunity to make fun of conservatives.

“The left-wing media bias extends to fake news,” he told Morning Joe viewers. “Where are all the stories making Democrats look bad?”

Is it true that fake-news journalists unfairly target Republicans?

“It’s more complicated than that,” says Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake-news journal, The Avocado. “Anyone who holds extreme views deserves to be mocked. But the far right tends to be more outlandish than the far left. Creation museums where men are depicted riding dinosaurs, airheaded beauty queens holding public office, and people wearing tea-bag hats are just inherently funnier than bloated healthcare bills and amnesty for illegal aliens.”

Perhaps Boehner has a point, though. A quick, unscientific analysis of fake-news articles appearing in The Avocado and its rival journal, The Anvil, shows that conservatives and Republicans tend to be mocked on policy and viewpoint while Democrats and liberals are more often the focus of bizarre, non-political stories. President Obama has shown up in numerous articles published by both journals, but seldom is his leadership the subject of satire.

“I can’t speak for those jokers at The Anvil, who have this bizarre obsession with zombies,” says Bunny, “but the thing with Obama is… how do you make disappointment funny?”

Some on the left are unhappy with Bunny’s comments. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for Congress to pass a new Fairness in Reporting bill that requires every comment critical of Democrats to be balanced by a comment equally critical of Republicans.

When reached for their views on this story, both Palin and O’Donnell said Fox News told them not to talk to reporters or they couldn’t have dessert.

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21 Responses to “Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell 2012!”

  1. jeanie said

    Are you actually saying that King Kong has a larger brain than Godzilla??

    On a side note, I agree with the bunny-there is nothing funny about disappointment.
    Oh Obama…what happened to that hopey changey guy I voted for?

    • King Kong is a primate, after all. And who am I to argue with those brainiacs at Princeton?

      As for Obama, I can’t quite figure out why Republicans dislike him so much. His polices aren’t that different from Bush’s, and he violates the Constitution less frequently.

  2. tsuchigari said

    Anatomically speaking it looks pretty good to me. You have a good point, it is much easier to mock those who do ridiculous things than those who disappoint.

  3. Name (required) said

    Jimmy crack corn.

  4. alwaysjan said

    I think you’ve been overly generous to imbue Sarah Palin with such a large chunk of cerebral real estate. Now that she’s in Europe, look out Godzilla and company! She’s determined to conquer the world! But she can only do so if we’re all zombies.

  5. Since you have no idea of what you are talking about, allow me to tell you one thing. The way O’Donnell rose to power was by “not masturbating,” as she said, God does not want us to do such a perverse thing. Not masturbating almost put her in office.
    I would like to infer between the lines that you Eric, and the subject of masturbation, could hypothetically explain while a candidate named “E.J. Baker” has never appeared on any ballot. Not even as a lowly debauched hanging chad.
    Look I call a spade a “pervert” and you my pagan friend have a spade flush hand. Or should I just call your hand “Mrs. Rosy Palm?” See you in hell you ribald old rake.

    Shocked and Appalled,
    Hanson Anderson (American)

  6. Hey jerk, I will have you know that I am a Commadore. I have epaulettes and I get more ass than Woody Allen.
    🙂

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