THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘immigration’

Labor Day: America pauses to remember employment

Posted by oldancestor on September 5, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Wanted: Trudy, 53, last seen Wednesdays from 6 to midnight at Jiggle's GoGo Palace

In a show of solidarity with the unemployed, Americans who have the last of the nation’s existing jobs (thanks to a grandfather clause) will take Monday off from work and goof around like their out-of-work counterparts do everyday. Office workers will host backyard barbeques. Road crews will trade shovels for beach umbrellas. Depressed journalists will file their stupid Labor Day fluff pieces and then hit the bar, numbing their meaningless lives with shot after shot of Southern Comfort and waking up nine hours later next to a 53-year-old stripper named Trudy, with no memory of what transpired between.

At what is sure to be a solemn ceremony, President Obama will hang a memorial wreath on the door of a downtown Washington DC unemployment office Monday and say something like, “While we encourage Americans to go out and have a great time, it’s important that we all take a moment to remember employment. Millions of jobs gave their lives so bank CEOs can buy yachts. We must never forget that.”

Some readers may remember the Employment Period, which lasted from the dawn of civilization until 2008, with a notable pause in the early 1930s. During this time, people were often able to acquire jobs in exchange for financial compensation from job providers, frequently called “employers.” Most jobs were soul-sucking, meaningless affairs that left their holders depressed shells of human beings, but the compensation enabled them to purchase DVDs and shoes, thus mitigating the pain and encouraging them to continue working.

Some claim that jobs will become available again if the federal government passes tough new anti-immigration laws.

Conservative figurehead, author, politician, and attention whore Sarah Palin held a rally south of Fairfax, Virginia Sunday, calling it “Taking Back Real America,” at which she claimed lax immigration policies have led to undocumented Mexicans taking all the manufacturing jobs as well as Information Technology and middle-management corporate positions.

“People say all the jobs have gone overseas,” Palin told thousands of cheering supporters. “And they’re right… If ‘overseas’ means America and ‘jobs’ means people from Mexico, who, let me tell you, don’t even speak American most of the time.”

As onlookers struggled to make sense of her analogy, she went on to say, “But we’re starting to turn the tide. New immigration laws in North Carolina sure chased away Hurricane Earl in a big hurry. Even fake America was spared, but do they appreciate it? Nooooo!”

Earl, an undocumented category 4 hurricane, attempted to make landfall in North Carolina’s barrier islands but was repelled. It eventually entered Canada through Nova Scotia, which is known for its flimsy border security.

Pinky Middleton, a meteorologist from the National Weather Service in Chicago, says that Earl may still try to sneak into the US from somewhere along the eastern portion of the country’s border with Canada.

“These illegal hurricanes are crafty,” says Middleton, “But he’s liable to find himself out of luck. There aren’t any jobs left.”

Indeed, searches for “natural disaster” on Careerbuilder.com, Monster, and Hotjobs did not return any hits.

In other news, Trudy, I want my wallet back.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

Aliens are stealing all the good jobs!

Posted by oldancestor on August 13, 2010

An editorial by Lennie

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As just another one of the countless ignorant masses*, you don’t have access to information that we, the media elite, are privy to. But unlike my brethren, I don’t hide the truth. I’m just going to say it:

Aliens are stealing our jobs.

You may not like what I’m about to tell you, but it must be explained, for the future of our nation depends on it.

I just found out there are about 8 million fewer jobs today than there were three years ago, and the government doesn’t know where they went. I looked on Yahoo and a lot of people were saying “Illegal aliens are taking all the good jobs!” At first I was like, duh. There’s no law on the books that says aliens are illegal. Besides, how could we arrest them if they were? They have spaceships that fly faster than light. We have cop cars. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do that math.

Seriously, rocket scientists have more important things to do than think about obvious stuff. Like building flying cops cars maybe?

But then I read on one of the Internets that a Youtube video of an alien ship in Brazil can’t possibly be fake. Now, I’m no rocket scientist (didn’t we go over that already?), but I’m starting to see a conspiracy. You should know I’m not one of those paranoid people who believes every little conspiracy that comes along, but there are a few we know to be true:

1. An alien spacecraft is being stored at Area 51 in Loch Ness, Scotland

2. The moon landing was filmed by aliens (who else could have held the camera for Neil Peart when he stepped off the Eagle Has Landed to set foot on the moon for the first time?)

3. Michael Jackson

Factor these elements in with 8,000,000 missing jobs; millions of erudite, informed, and not-the-least-bit-wacky Yahoo users saying aliens took those jobs; and aliens that come and go as they please, and there is only one inescapable conclusion:

It would have been pretty dramatic if I started this paragraph with “Aliens are stealing our jobs,” but I did that earlier in this story, and doing it twice would make me look kind of stupid [never – Ed.].

Even the entertainment business is suffering. Lindsay Lohan was just fired from the upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. That makes the score: 8,000,001 jobs – Aliens, zero jobs – Humans.

What are these extraterrestrials doing with these jobs? There is only one inescapable conclusion:

Aliens are using our jobs for food.

Perhaps their planet has no food left and they eat jobs there. Sure, that seems weird, but stop being so close-minded and ignorant to the wonders of science. Just because we eat gummy bears and marshmallowy orange peanuts, it doesn’t mean aliens have to eat real food too.

I urge you all to write your local Secretary of Defense and demand the government spend more money to stop aliens from taking our jobs. As of right now, we have exactly one International Space Station protecting Earth from invasion.

Hi. The Earth has two sides. Any alien with half a brain (although that might be normal on their planet… keep an open mind!) will just sneak up from the other side.

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*There are 281,740,611 of you to be exact. Man, you guys are breeding like jackrabbits.

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Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Arizona’s tough new anti-zombie law raises questions

Posted by oldancestor on June 25, 2010

Zombies: US citizens or domestic terrorists?

 

By Eric J Baker

Constitutional conundrum: Should zombies be allowed to vote?

PHOENIX – In response to the Zombie Apocalypse that’s rapidly sweeping the world, Arizona’s legislature passed a harsh new anti-zombie law this week, despite a harsh law in place that prevents the passage of harsh laws.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Arizona governor Jan Brewer said last night on CNN’s Larry King Live, though it is not known if she was referring to the passage of the new law or quoting the character Jafar from Aladdin.

She also said, “Throw me the lamp!”

As promised by the governor, the new law contains a provision allowing armed citizens to kill zombies on sight. Previously, only law-enforcement personnel, national guardsmen, and paid government militia members were permitted to shoot the walking dead. But it’s other components of the legislation that have stirred debate and stoked controversy.

Businesses can now be fined for using zombie labor, and people who keep undead relatives locked up rather than turning them over to the authorities will risk jail time. Zombies of illegal immigrants can either be shot or deported.

“This is just another way for the government to curtail our civil liberties,” says Paul Naschy, whose uncle Jacinto Molina, a zombie, was living in a cage in the back yard. Until the police shot Molina and took away the body.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Naschy laments, “The zombies or the socialists.”

Zombie rights groups oppose the new law and vow to take the state of Arizona to court.

“Zombies are US citizens, just like you and me,” says Patchouli Johnson of Zombies Are People (ZAP), a not-for-profit organization. “Why are they being treated like intruders? The government took away their unemployment checks, even though we know no one will hire a zombie, and now they’re being exterminated like mosquitoes. Where’s the compassion?”

Legal experts say there is a distinction between zombies and humans. It just hasn’t been established yet.

“Technically, it’s hard to prove a zombie isn’t the same person he was when alive,” explains Harvard law professor Nadine Pencilwacker. “Same finger prints, same retina pattern. Still moving. And the legal world doesn’t account for such a thing as a ‘soul.’ On the other hand, these creatures are ravenous cannibals. But can they be charged with a crime? Are they legally insane? There are so many layers.”

Pencilwacker went on to say, “Aaaaaaah! Help! Oh God, they’re killing meeee….” while being overrun by a horde of walking corpses during our interview.

Unlike with the anti-immigrant legislation Governor Brewer signed into law in April, the Obama administration has had little to say about Arizona’s stance toward the undead. Some believe President Obama is attempting to appear more centrist after spending nearly two years dealing with divisive issues like heath care reform, bank bailouts, and unemployment. Since polls show an overwhelming majority of Americans support the right to shoot zombies, it might be wise for the President to stay above the fray as the 2010 midterms approach.

With regard to his 2012 reelection effort, Obama can only hope the undead kill and eat more Republicans than Democrats between now and then. Zombies may not have the right to vote (yet), but they can still affect the outcome of elections.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , | 14 Comments »

Arizona passes harsh ‘anti-harsh law’ law

Posted by oldancestor on May 3, 2010

MCCAIN PROPOSES PUTTING JAPANESE IN INTERMENT CAMPS

 

By Eric J Baker

 

PHOENIX – In response to recent controversy over the state’s harsh anti-immigration law, Arizona lawmakers have passed tough new legislation that prevents further passage of tough new legislation in the state.

“This ought to put a stop to the nonsense,” said Governor Jan Brewer at a press conference in Phoenix yesterday. “Any state legislator who tries to make Arizona look intolerant and fascistic to the rest of the country will be taken outside and shot in the back of the head, no questions asked.”

However, a provision of the law allows for the accused party to challenge his accuser to a gun duel in the streets.

Proponents are hailing the return of frontier justice.

Said Tombstone Mayor Ashleigh Clanton, “Arizona was founded on people killing people without due process, and it’s high time we got back to that.”

Invoking executive privilege, Clanton ordered the city’s streets unpaved and the police to abandon DNA testing and computer databases in favor of tacking up wanted posters. Local officials who had hoped to overturn the ruling were killed by Clanton’s gang in a gunfight at the OK Corral late last night.

An eyewitness from Florida, believing the shootout was a tourist attraction, said, “The animatronics were ‘meh.’”

In Washington, President Obama praised Arizona’s newest new legislation.

“The only way to defeat a draconian law is with an even bigger draconian law,” said the President. “Somehow, out of all this mess, I hope, someone, somewhere, will benefit. A regular person, though. Not a big, greedy bank.”

Arizona Senator John McCain called his own press conference for noon yesterday, showing up in the early evening after driving around lost and befuddled for several hours, convinced he was going to a convenience store to buy milk.

“My friends, enacting laws on top of laws on top of laws isn’t going to solve the problems of illegal immigration,” said the Republican Senator, who has stoked controversy many times in his political career for taking stances unpopular with conservative voters.

He went on to say, “It’s the Japs. You don’t know which ones you can trust. We’ve got to round them up so we can keep an eye on them.”

After the senator shouted “incoming,” and dove under the stage, McCain’s daughter Meghan stepped to the podium and answered questions. Several male reporters in the room were believed to have thought, va voom!

“I think Senator McCain is right,” said Arizona resident and third-generation Hispanic-American John Ramirez. “It’s the Japs.”

As violence spilled onto the streets of Arizona cities and hundreds were killed in shootouts, the entertainment industry was quick to sit up and take notice. Production is already underway on volumes one through three of the DVD series Girls Gone Violent, which will feature drunken college girls engaging in gun duels while topless.

Tom Bergeron, host of the hit reality television show America’s Funniest Legislation said, “Keep passing those laws, Arizona. You could win ten or even a hundred-thousand dollars!”         

In international news, Mexican lawmakers have proposed building a security fence along the border between Mexico and Arizona to block the expected flood of refugees.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »