THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘conservative’

God sues Rick Santorum for defamation

Posted by oldancestor on February 26, 2012

The Plaintiff

 

By Lacy Thundercake

FAIRFAX, VA – God, the reclusive eccentric credited by some for creating the universe, filed suit against GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum in Virginia today, citing defamation of character.

David Leibowitz, the attorney representing God, told reporters at the Fairfax County courthouse this afternoon, “Mr. Santorum continues to tell people what God wants and doesn’t want, despite several lightning bolts striking near his campaign bus as a friendly warning. We wish to make it clear to voters: God has not endorsed Rick Santorum or any other candidate. He’s a registered independent.”

As former Pennsylvania senator Santorum continues to garner national attention in the Republican primary race, several controversial statements he made in the past have emerged, including a comment that President Obama’s agenda is based on a “phony theology,” and, more recently, that there is no such thing as a liberal Christian.

In response to the lawsuit, Santorum’s campaign spokesperson Damien Thorn told Fox News, “Only the Senator speaks God’s word and knows his will. Come on, who are you going to believe, some bearded old hermit or the man who stood up for conservative family values in Pennsylvania for two terms?”

Thorn dismissed criticisms that Santorum is too focused on religion to serve in a secular government, saying, “The phrase ‘separation of church and state’ appears nowhere in the Constitution.”

When reached by phone at his toy factory near the North Pole, God told The Anvil, “You know what else doesn’t appear in the Constitution? The words ‘God,’ ‘Jesus,’ or ‘Christian.’ In other words, if I’d wanted America to be a theocracy, I’d have put the Taliban there, not Thomas Jefferson.”

God also said, “Eh, it wasn’t a problem,” in answering how he was able to file suit on the weekend when the courts are closed.

Santorum has made other controversial statements about religion in the past. In a speech before a Catholic university in 2008, he claimed that Satan was targeting America, though he did not specify the nature of the looming attack.   

When asked for specifics about Satan’s plan this afternoon, Santorum’s spokesperson turned red; sprouted horns, cloven feet, and a pointed tail; and said, without moving his lips, “In time you will know. Muahahahahahaha!”

It was not immediately clear what he meant.

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Dearest Anvil readers, I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. That’s right… I’ve joined the crowd and created my own writing blog. I wanted a central place from which to link all my stories, fake news articles, and PFC columns. It’s pretty sparse yet, but there’s more to come.

Click here to check it out.

Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll

Posted by oldancestor on December 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Colonel Klink promises free colorectal exams for all

Des Moines, IA – GOP presidential hopeful Colonel Klink has topped our most recent election poll, largely on the strength of his nein, nein, nein tax plan, which, roughly translated, means, “No, no, no” new taxes. He led Newt Gingrich 22 percent to 18 percent in the survey of likely Republican voters conducted yesterday.

 

Klink was campaigning in Des Moines last night, where he told supporters he stands for “freedom, accountability, and competence in government.” He also said that if he does not win the upcoming Iowa caucuses, he has a panzer tank division standing by to take the state by force. 

 

Fellow GOP candidate Gingrich, in trying to fend off attacks from his rival, got himself into trouble Friday by comparing Klink’s campaign ads to Nazi propaganda and by referring to Klink himself as “Herr Commandant.”

 

When asked for a response to Gingrich’s comments, Klink said, “It’s pretty bad taste to imply someone is a Nazi. You just don’t do it. I assume he was joking, but there’s nothing funny about that period in history.”

 

He added, “For example, imagine if someone produced a TV sitcom set in a German prison camp in World War II. There’s no way that would be funny.”

 

Klink has thus far managed to avoid the scandals and controversies that have dogged other candidates and, in Herman Cain’s case, forced a withdrawal from the race. Despite having been born in Germany and, thus, being ineligible for the presidency, Klink has not faced any challenges from the so-called “birther” movement.

 

When The Anvil contacted the local chapter of the Flat-Birth Society to find out why they have not demanded that Klink’s birth records be made public, as they did with President Obama, the office’s spokesman Pinky Middleton said, “Because he’s white.”

 

Klink said he will no longer answer questions unrelated to domestic and foreign policy and referred all such inquiries to his campaign staff. In response to questions about Klink’s place of birth, opinions on TV sitcoms, and secret Nazi past, the candidate’s spokesman Sergeant Schultz told reporters today, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”  

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Obama vows to continue observing (and not interfering with) earthlings’ affairs

Posted by oldancestor on March 17, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Election night 2008: Obama's spaceship arrives with great fanfare

WASHINGTON DC – President Sparak Obama, the first Vulcan-American ever elected president, told ABCs Barbara Walters today that he is proud to have followed Starfleet Federations prime directive, which is to avoid influencing events on any planet with indigenous life, including Earth. The President, who was born here but spent part of his youth at the Vulcan Academy, says his primary responsibility as an interplanetary representative is to monitor situations.

 

Take the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan or the civil war in Libya, Obama told Walters. I have been observing both situations with intellectual curiosity from a great distance.  Though, in truth, Ive also been standing by at the ready, which is slightly bending the rules.

 

During the half-hour interview that aired nationally on ABC affiliates at 7 p.m. eastern time this evening, the President said he strongly believes in democracy as a philosophical concept. When Walters asked if it was then tough for him to watch the rebels in Libya being crushed by dictator Muammar Gaddafis forces, he replied, It certainly is an interesting addition to Earths historical record.

 

Voices on all sides of the political spectrum have criticized the President at various times in his two-and-a-half years in office for his seemingly detached demeanor in the face of national and international crises. During the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico last year, which dragged on for months, Obama was roundly panned for saying, Oil is a natural, organic material. I fail to see why its presence is so alarming.

 

One area of public policy where the President has been more active is health care reform, with his efforts culminating in a bill last year meant to overhaul the nations system of dispensing medical care to its citizens. During last Januarys State of the Union address, Obama said, It is illogical to resist expanded access to health care, in the hopes of heading off cries from conservatives that at least some aspects of the law are unconstitutional.

 

The President has also been dogged by a small but vocal group of critics who claim he was not born on this planet and are demanding proof he is actually half human. Known as the Earther movement, few in Washington or in the news media take them seriously, but their persistent accusations are just one more distraction for a busy leader who vowed on national TV tonight to monitor, observe, and stand by with renewed vigor entering the 2012 election season.

 

When reached for comment on this article, President Obama said, The metaphor in your fourth paragraph, voices on all sides of the political spectrum, does not hold up to semantic scrutiny. A spectrum, being light rather than a dimensional object or a representation of such, does not have sides.

Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments »

Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell 2012!

Posted by oldancestor on September 25, 2010

By Eric J Baker

 

Brain Chart (Courtesy of Princeton University’s Neuroscience Department)

WASHINGTON DC – Scientists from Princeton University reported yesterday that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and Delaware’s Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate Christine O’Donnell each have 2,012 stupid thoughts per day. Only about five to ten of these thoughts are articulated verbally, say scientists.

“We didn’t think it was possible for people whose heads are crowded with so much nonsense to function in society,” says head researcher Dr. Herbert West. “But there you have it.”

West says these stupid thoughts most likely explain the string of ethics lapses, acts of hypocrisy, and “almost pathological” misunderstanding of civics displayed by both women.

Then how does one account for the financial success and notoriety garnered by Palin and O’Donnell?

“Look, I’m sure the dodo bird was a shrewd animal,” says West.

According to the Princeton report, researchers asked each woman to wear a university-provided thought-reading helmet for ten days. The helmet, constructed from coconuts, a police car flasher, and the rudder from the S.S. Minnow, collects thoughts on a flash drive and sorts them into stupid and non-stupid files. Palin’s least-stupid thoughts came when she was eating Cheerios and putting her shoes on the correct feet. O’Donnell’s occurred when she brushed her teeth using the gentle, short strokes suggested by her dentist.

Despite the apparent effectiveness of the helmet, some are questioning the researchers’ ethics.

“I think these women were duped for the purpose of making Republicans look bad,” House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) told Joe Scarborough, host of MSNBC’s Morning Joe. “They were told it was a ‘GOP purity helmet.’ Then again, if they believed that, I guess they are stupid.”

Boehner did maintain that the Princeton University report is the kind of document that gives fake-news journals easy opportunity to make fun of conservatives.

“The left-wing media bias extends to fake news,” he told Morning Joe viewers. “Where are all the stories making Democrats look bad?”

Is it true that fake-news journalists unfairly target Republicans?

“It’s more complicated than that,” says Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake-news journal, The Avocado. “Anyone who holds extreme views deserves to be mocked. But the far right tends to be more outlandish than the far left. Creation museums where men are depicted riding dinosaurs, airheaded beauty queens holding public office, and people wearing tea-bag hats are just inherently funnier than bloated healthcare bills and amnesty for illegal aliens.”

Perhaps Boehner has a point, though. A quick, unscientific analysis of fake-news articles appearing in The Avocado and its rival journal, The Anvil, shows that conservatives and Republicans tend to be mocked on policy and viewpoint while Democrats and liberals are more often the focus of bizarre, non-political stories. President Obama has shown up in numerous articles published by both journals, but seldom is his leadership the subject of satire.

“I can’t speak for those jokers at The Anvil, who have this bizarre obsession with zombies,” says Bunny, “but the thing with Obama is… how do you make disappointment funny?”

Some on the left are unhappy with Bunny’s comments. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for Congress to pass a new Fairness in Reporting bill that requires every comment critical of Democrats to be balanced by a comment equally critical of Republicans.

When reached for their views on this story, both Palin and O’Donnell said Fox News told them not to talk to reporters or they couldn’t have dessert.

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Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide

Posted by oldancestor on August 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Two of the 20th century's most beloved product icons, The Kool-Aid Man and Peppy McDeath, are working together again

WASHINGTON DC – At a Glenn Beck rally held in Washington DC yesterday, event organizers were embarrassed when it was discovered there was not enough cyanide to go around. Approximately half of the 50,000 people in attendance had to drink straight Kool-Aid and didn’t die.

Beck, host of a popular Fox News television show and author of several books someone else actually wrote*, was in town to commemorate the thirty-first-and-three-quarters-of-a-year anniversary of the Jonestown Massacre, which took place in Guyana in 1978 and claimed the lives of over 900 Americans. Earlier in the week, Beck had vowed to “take back mass-suicide cultism from South America.”

Several survivors of yesterday’s rally left disappointed.

“He [Beck] told us the only way to make America good again was to swallow the little orange pill,” said attendee Pinky Middleton, 28, of Misdirected Anger, Indiana. “He said spaceships would come down and take President Obama back to Ceti Alpha Five. I didn’t get no pill, and I didn’t see no spaceships.”

It could not be independently confirmed if spaceships came for the President after the mass suicide took place.

Beck was unavailable for comment, but his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer, told The Anvil via telephone this morning, “There was, like, a problem with the metric system? So, like, we had twice a much cups of Kool-Aid?”

She also said, “This is why Mr. Beck thinks the metric system is un-American, because, like, they use different number systems there. President Obama wants to socialize number systems, which we need to not allow, moreover.”

The White House was busy setting up its ObamaCam second-by-second vacation-activity media tracker and would not respond to Ditzmeyer’s comments. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was only willing to say, “Not now. The President is eating a bowl of Cheerios and I need to write a press release about it.”

Sarah Palin, the keynote speaker at Beck’s rally and also a fake author****, defended event organizers responsible for the cyanide shortage while managing to take a shot at the President at the same time.

“People… real people like you and me… we like Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is good enough for us,” she said. “Unlike our elitist, out-of-touch President who eats cereal shaped like the first letter of his last name. Nope. Kool-Aid is for honest, hard-working Americans, like those that came to see me speak.”

The fruity beverage, which event organizers were selling for $20 a cup, is noted for its effectiveness in dissolving poison capsules, thus making it the world’s most popular powdered drink at mass-suicide events. A representative for the manufacturer claims that the company shipped over 100,000 packets to Beck’s rally and always welcomes the free publicity that accompanies a lurid news story involving its product.

In business news, television host Glenn Beck reportedly purchased stock in Kool-Aid Incorporated last week, just before a massive order was shipped to his rally in downtown Washington, DC.

“People are, like, complaining that 25,000 attendees only got straight Kool-Aid with no cyanide,” says his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer. “But, you know, 25,000 others did get cyanide. I wonder why you’re not asking them if they are satisfied. Is it because of left-wing media bias? I think it is.”

In employment news, the city of Washington in the District of Columbia is looking to hire one-thousand corpse haulers, on a temporary basis. Carts will be supplied.     

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*possibly, maybe**

** I don’t want to get sued for libel***

***Come on. Like he actually sat down for a year and typed out multiple drafts of a novel without any formal training as a writer. Give me a f—ing break. That’s insulting to anyone who writes.

**** Seriously. How can someone who writes reminders on her freaking hand possibly author a book?*****

*****Just kidding, Sarah darling. You know I love you. Pssst. Call me next time Todd is away at some secessionist meeting.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

Federal Judge rules that ALL weddings are gay

Posted by oldancestor on August 10, 2010

Then what does the finger in the ring mean? Yikes!

 

By Eric J Baker

"Gay dinosaurs never got married, so why should gay humans?" argue anti-gay-marriage activists

  WASHINGTON DC – A federal judge ruled yesterday that all weddings in America are “kinda gay,” instantly throwing the gay-marriage debate into disarray.

Integrated circuit judge Johnny Dangerous said in his ruling that “frilly dresses, foofy tuxedo chest things, flowers, and DJs playing Celebration by Kool and the Gang are all kinda gay, if you think about it. Gay in the way you call fruity things ‘gay’ when you’re in high school.”

Judge Dangerous also said he made his decision based not on legal precedent but on a book he read that was published in 1902 entitled How to have a Gay Wedding.

“It pretty much seemed like normal wedding stuff in there,” the judge said. “I couldn’t tell the difference. So, as far as I’m concerned, there is no difference. End of debate. Next.”

Not so fast, typed a reporter who lacks the creativity to avoid clichéd segues. Conservative groups are angry and vowing to fight back.

“No activist judge is going to tell me that me and my wife are gay!” said Chester Tool, 58, of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma and founder of Americans Against Homo Sapiens.

The group said it will urge the government to amend the Constitution so that judges can’t rule against their point of view anymore.

“We want to stop them from messin’ with the Constitution,” says Tool. “We hope to get rid of the judicial system all together. It’s un-American.”

Meanwhile, the ruling was lauded by gay-marriage proponents, college students, and atheists.

“It’s a sign that times are changing,” says racially and sexually ambiguous Seton Hall University junior, Terrence Hip, who sometimes poses for display posters in shopping mall clothing stores. “Everyone said Duran Duran’s music was gay back in the 1980s, but now look how cool they are.”

When asked why she supported the ruling, atheist Patchouli Johnson said, “I don’t know. Because it’s fun to piss people off?”

Even more elated are the millions and millions of Americans who want to marry their pets and will now be able to, thanks to the precedent set by yesterday’s judicial decision.

Unfortunately, none could be located for comment.

To get a response to the non-response, The Anvil repeatedly attempted to contact the conservative watchdog group, America Safe. Just before this article went to press, an unidentified man from the organization called our offices and said, “Dude, we are a watch dog group. Not a ‘watchdog’ group. We advocate for the ownership and pet care of watch dogs. You know, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, Dobermans. We don’t care about any of the stuff you’re talking about.”

He went on to say, “Don’t make me get another restraining order.”

Stay tuned to The Anvil for more on this breaking story as it develops!

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Democrats choose Mouse as new mascot; Donkey ousted

Posted by oldancestor on June 28, 2010

Sales of mouse traps surge

 

By Eric J Baker

 

The Democrats' new logo

WASHINGTON DC – In a surprise move, Congressional Democrats have decided to replace the party’s longstanding Donkey mascot with that of a Mouse. The decision was announced this morning following an all-night, Democrats-only session in the Senate chamber.

“We felt the need to update our image,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid told reporters. “The Donkey was a fine mascot, but we want to change the impression that we are stubborn. A Mouse is more… compliant.”

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, flanking Reid at the press conference, added, “This doesn’t mean we aren’t going to keep fighting hard for middle-class Americans. Unless Republicans look like they might get ready to start thinking about a filibuster. All bets are off then.”

Indeed, Senate Democrats used their 19-vote majority last week to aggressively back away from extending jobless benefits. They’ve also thrown their weight around to cave in to bankers’ demands instead of passing meaningful financial reform. And now President Obama is getting in on the act: The White House says it plans to follow through on the opposite of a campaign promise by leaving the prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba open indefinitely.

Reid’s Senate counterpart, Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, was unhappy when told of the closed-door meeting.

“Once again, we hear talk of bipartisanship, yet the Democrats chose to make this mascot decision without Republican input,” said McConnell. “We have lots of ideas for what their mascot should be, but they never asked us.”

The Donkey, reached by phone at his home in a posh northwestern Washington DC neighborhood, said Democrats are “a bunch of pansies” who deserve to suffer heavy losses in the November midterm elections.

“Honestly, I was embarrassed to tell people I’m that donkey,” he said. “The only bad thing about losing my job is that I no longer have a way to support my $10,000 a week cocaine and prostitute habit.”

He also admits to feeling like an ass.

Reaction in GOP circles was mixed, with so-called establishment Republicans choosing to stand behind the classic Elephant mascot while some up-and-comers suggest their party might benefit from making some changes as well.

Four-term Arizona Senator John McCain said, “If the Democrats think an Elephant is afraid of a mouse, they should stop watching so many cartoons. The big E is here to stay, my friends.”

In contrast, GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul of Kentucky, who has attracted plenty of media attention lately for his controversial statements, is open to ditching the Elephant in favor of a fresher image.

“I was thinking we could go with a southern plantation owner, circa 1850,” he said. “A strict constitutionalist, but also funny, like he could be on a commercial for a fast-food chain or something.”

When told such a character might engender negative associations in the minds of certain voters, Paul said, “Oh, you mean because of the slavery thing? I get that. I definitely think institutionalized slavery was one of the 200 worst things that ever happened in this country.”

While long-serving Republicans continue to cringe at the embarrassingly racist comments made by its outside-the-beltway candidates, unified Democrats vow to continue failing to take advantage of their opponent’s mistakes.

“We’ll do our very best to get clobbered this November, Mouse or no Mouse,” said Reid, who added, “Wait. What did I just say?”

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Americans angry at Obama for traffic jams, allergies

Posted by oldancestor on June 23, 2010

OBAMA ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR PRODUCTS BREAKING JUST AFTER WARRANTY EXPIRES

 

By Eric J Baker

 
 

Americans are angry and getting angrier

 WASHINGTON DC – Virtual protestors stormed the internet this week to vent their increasing frustration with what they perceive as inaction from the Obama administration on critical issues facing America, such as heavy traffic and hay fever.

In the northeast, where automobile traffic is particularly dense, the anger has reached a boiling point.

“Everyday I have to put up with this,” says Carl Driver, a 52-year-old insurance salesman stuck in traffic on Route 1 in Edison, NJ, which is considered one of the most congested stretches of highway in the country. “It takes me a half hour to go five miles. The President has totally dropped the ball on this and I wonder when he will finally wake up and do something about it.”

Patty Bacon agrees.

Coming out of a Burger King on Route 413 in Levittown, PA, she says, “Whoever configured this road is a moron. I drove past the entrance twice. How should I know I was supposed to stay in the left lane?”

Bacon said she planned to go straight home and rip President Obama a new one on Yahoo comments threads the rest of the day.

“He’s too busy pushing his socialist agenda to send federal road crews out here and rearrange all this,” she declares with a scowl.

Indeed, Americans are angry and getting angrier. Mental health professionals express concern that a collective feeling of rage could result in widespread violence if left unchecked.

“I had a patient just the other day who punched himself in the face every time he sneezed,” says psychologist Dianne Agnose. “He beat himself to a pulp during an allergy attack and then asked me what happened to the hope and change he voted for. He thought he wouldn’t sneeze anymore. Sad.”

Retired lobotomist Herbert West believes we, as a nation, need to return to a simpler time when Americans were full of malaise and apathy rather than frothing hatred.

“It’s a good feeling not to care about anything anymore,” he says. “It’s less stressful. Instead of trying to blame a politician for things he can’t possibly control, you just look in the mirror and wonder why the hell you even exist.”

Still, West admits that, even for a passive guy like him, anger bubbles to the surface with increasing regularity these days.

“Just the other day I got the bill from the caterer for my daughter’s wedding,” he explains, “and it was two hundred dollars more than they quoted. There were all kinds of hidden charges. All I remember after that is running up and down the sidewalk screaming ‘Damn you, Obama!’”

And in a new twist on an already strange trend, Americans are growing angry with the President for not being angry.

“Acting like a screaming, ranting, crying lunatic is the only way to solve problems,” says Fox News television pundit Glenn Beck. “Look how much change I’ve effected since I went on the air. Thanks to me, Obama slashed up the BP CEO’s face with a straight razor instead of negotiating terms of payment.”

Journalists have taken the Commander-in-Chief to task in recent weeks for his aloof disposition, something the White House doesn’t…

You know what? Forget it. I don’t feel like finishing this article, damn it. I DON’T WANT TO FINISH THIS ARTICLE!!!!

Maybe if Obama got his act together, I could finish it, but he only cares about his radical left-wing agenda, leaving us poor writers to think of our own endings to articles. Damn it all to hell!

**shoves typewriter away, rips press card from hat, throws cigarette in coffee, and storms out**

[The Anvil apologizes for the angry way this story ended. The writer is now under sedation and resting comfortably – ed.]

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Conservative school board reinvents history in textbook: No Carboniferous Period

Posted by oldancestor on June 17, 2010

TREES INFURIATED, CALLING FOR BOARD PRESIDENT’S RESIGNATION

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Conservative school board president Rex Fortescue stands before a Texas high school. He's unapologetic about his controversial views.

AUSTIN, TX – In a move sure to stir controversy, the state of Texas school board recently demanded – and got – changes to the 2011 edition of World History for Entitled Brats, a textbook handed out to incoming high school freshman.

At a glance, the book may not look much different from last year’s version. But a scan through its pages reveals an omission all the more shocking for the fact it is intentional: There’s no record of the Carboniferous period.

Readers, plus students, who only fake-read, will find the Devonian period where it belongs, from 417 to 359 million years ago. The text then picks up with the Permian, which lasted from 299 to 251 million years ago.

So where are the missing 60 million years?

“Never happened,” says newly elected school board president Rex Fortescue. “The Carboniferous period is a lie perpetrated by left-wing radicals bent on brainwashing our children.”

Fortescue, a dinosaur, does not offer proof the maligned geologic period is fabricated, and it’s worth noting that reptiles have long denied evolving from tetrapods. The squat, four-legged amphibian-like creatures lived in the Carboniferous and predate the reptilian occupants of the Triassic and Jurassic Periods.

When told the fossil record shows a clear link between tetrapods and dinosaurs, Fortescue says, “Reptiles were created by Godzilla in His own image. End of story.”

The firebrand Tyrannosaur’s controversial declarations haven’t gone unnoticed outside the walls of academe.

“Why does he even care what happened in the Paleozoic era?” asks Pinky Middleton, one of several maple trees protesting outside the school board’s offices in Austin. “The Carboniferous is a fact. Tetrapods are a fact.”

Most trees are believed to have evolved in the oxygen-rich Carboniferous.

“Say, he’d look good as a salad bowl on my dining room table,” was all Fortescue would say in response.

Dr. Armord Fish, a paleontologist at Princeton University and also a coelacanth, says, “My kind has been around since the Devonian. That’s almost half a billion years ago. Believe me, the Carboniferous happened, and anyone who says otherwise has let the Permian extinction go to his head.”

Dr. Fish adds, “This is why science belongs in textbooks and Godzilla belongs in church.”

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Angry electorate vows to replace Democrats with Republicans and Republicans with Democrats

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2010

ALSO: CONGRESS GRILLS ITSELF IN CONGRESSIONAL HEARING

 

By Eric J Baker

 

“Throw the bums out.”

Who can forget these immortal words from the Bible (besides Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and “Other”)? But while Jesus was talking about Roman gods, people who drop the TTBO-bomb today are often referring to “bum” politicians who have set up their cardboard shelters (offices) and parked their rusty shopping carts (political agendas) along Washington DC’s marble-floored halls of legislature.

With congressional elections coming in November and primary upsets in the offing, the chorus of anger has grown louder.

“We need to vote out every single congressperson who’s up for reelection,” says Texas resident Norman “Chubzy” Ubzy, “while staying strictly within a two-party system, of course.”

Madge Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, agrees. “Every single Republican and Democrat currently in office is corrupt. Luckily, the challengers from the same parties, in each case, are completely ethical and honest.”  

Her husband, Otis, adds, “Republicans and Democrats will be ok, but those guys from the Incumbent party are in trouble.”

Janet Blandworth, a random expert who gets paid to state the obvious, says, “It’s natural for voters to feel frustrated with elected officials when the economy is in a prolonged slump and jobless rates are high.”

Congress acted quickly when it discovered Americans are unhappy, quarantining those lawmakers up for reelection in a high-school gymnasium and spraying them with Raid.

President Obama praised the bipartisan effort yesterday.

“This is what we can accomplish when we work together,” the President told reporters. “That said, Republicans are still jerks.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota responded by urging strict adherence to the Constitution, as it was originally written.

“We didn’t have these problems before women were allowed to vote,” she said. “Or when slaves were 2/3 of a person. We need to get back to the things that made America great.”

In a late session last night, Congress called itself to testify before itself.

“Where do you get off being so smug and self-righteous?” asked House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), looking in a mirror.

Her Republican counterpart, Rep. John Boehner of Ohio, skipped the questions and went straight to making out with his reflection.

“Who’s orange?” he cooed at the mirror. “Are you orange? I don’t think so.”

To flesh out the rest of the article, we went back to Janet Blandworth, our random expert, and asked her to blab some more.

“Depending on who you ask,” she said, “the Republicans are either poised to take both houses of Congress and begin a new revolution or are going to get clobbered because their message seems intolerant and borderline racist and will turn voters off.”

So which one will it be?

“I don’t know. Who cares? You know, when I got out of college I was full of hopes and dreams and ideals and thought I could change the world,” she said. “Now look at me. I’m 39-years-old and divorced and spend my time talking to untalented, hack reporters like you about stupid [expletive] boring politicians. I need a drink.”

An unnamed reporter was said to have offered Blandworth a ride back to his place for margaritas, but it was not known at press time if she accepted.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »