Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Terrorists’

Osama Bin Laden’s Dog Killed by K-9 Specials Ops Soldiers

Posted by oldancestor on May 3, 2011

Fido Bin Laden 2000-2011

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – U.S. forces scored a second major victory in the war on terror today when K-9 Special Operations forces killed Osama Bin Laden’s dog, Fido, at a secret compound in the mountains of Pakistan. Fido Bin Laden was thought to be Al Qaeda’s second in command after Bin Laden himself, who was killed Sunday in a separate military operation.

In the daring daytime raid on the heavily fortified kennel, K-9 soldiers lured Fido’s bodyguards outside with dog biscuits and tennis balls. With the bodyguards caught fetching, the soldiers stormed the compound and shot Fido in the head during a brief firefight.

Bin Laden’s hamster was also killed.

President Obama broke the news to Americans in a special announcement from the White House this afternoon, which was broadcast live on all the major networks and cable news channels.

“This morning at approximately 7:30 local time, American forces took another step toward closing Al Qaeda’s chapter in history. Fido Bin Laden and his owner, Osama, the twisted twins on the totem pole of terror, are dead,” the President said. “The pooch has been screwed.”

Also present at the press conference was Brigadier General Rin Tin Tin, who authorized the raid.

“Operation Bag Doggie went off without a hitch,” General Tin told members of the White House Press Corps. “We should all be proud of our canine team and what they accomplished today. The bad guys were killed with minimal collateral damage. That’s some accurate shooting. Hell, our boys don’t even have opposable thumbs!”

K-9 Special Ops is a little-known, all-dog branch of the Navy Seals that carries out covert raids involving animals. They were the team responsible for capturing international crime lord Muttley in Morocco in 2002. Muttley died in the Guantanamo Bay detention center in 2004 before he could be brought to trial.

As news of Fido’s death spreads, Americans are taking to the streets in celebration, catching Frisbees in their teeth and humping each other all across the nation.

Pinky Middleton, 38-year-old pet shop owner in Sacramento, California says he plans to have a half-price sale on dog accessories this coming Saturday from 1 to 5 p.m. “I’m calling it, ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ Or maybe, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven… but one.’”

Fido Bin Laden first made headlines in July of 2005 for a failed attack on then President George W. Bush, who was in Germany at the time for an economic summit. Fido managed to breach security provided by local police but was stopped by Secret Service agents. No one was injured, but Fido was able to urinate on an agent’s pant leg before escaping, which cost taxpayers over seven dollars in dry-cleaning bills.

At the time, President Bush was quoted as shouting to his fleeing assailant, “Try that in Texas, you Benji-looking son of a bastard!”

With the deaths of both Bin Ladens this week, the FBI has two vacancies on its Ten Most Wanted List. Interested terrorists can apply by calling 555-FBI LIST.


Today’s image provided by Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog (not for the easily offended). Thanks, Hanson!


Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 67 Comments »

Al Qaeda-in-Iraq plans to lay off 300 staffers; mostly terrorists

Posted by oldancestor on June 10, 2010

News sends stocks tumbling


By Eric J Baker


Al Qaeda's leader Osama Bin Liden spends lavishly while hourly terrorists struggle to make ends meet

BAGHDAD – At a press conference yesterday, Al Qaeda-in-Iraq CEO Kassim Burani announced the not-for-prophet organization was slashing 300 jobs in the coming weeks. With the Nintendo Wii and a slate of Apple products like the iPhone and iPad siphoning interest away from Jihad, he says, the reduction in staff is necessary to stave off bankruptcy. Those in the industry hope a refocused effort will help terrorism recapture its competitive edge.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I make this decision,” Burani told reporters, “but we need to be a leaner company to survive in the current economic climate.”

Some economists have been warning as early as 2006 the organization was growing too rapidly and setting its sights too high.

CNBC’s Jim Cramer explains, “If the economic growth we’d seen in the first half of the decade was sustainable, they’d have been fine, but it wasn’t sustainable. They also blew up too many crowded marketplaces too fast. There weren’t enough people to kill after a while.”

Others point to business decisions that turned off long-time customers and hurt the brand’s image.

“When we look back on this in a few years,” says Wall Street Journal business editor Pappy Zettlemoyer, “we’ll see the turning point in [Al Qaeda-in-Iraq’s] fortunes came when they decided to sponsor the Van Halen: Dinosaurs of Rock reunion tour. They lost some credibility there.”

He went on to say, “I mean because rock and roll is supposedly decadent, not because it was Van Halen. Then again…”  

Employees of the terror organization say talk of layoffs has everyone looking over their shoulders.

“It’s been awful for morale,” explains roadside bomber Pinky Azzad. “They already told us we weren’t getting the 72 virgins we were promised. Now this. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose my job.”

The 72-Virgin Pact, similar to a 401K investment plan, was designed to lure workers in the 1980s, when the economy was booming and employers were desperate to fill positions. Nowadays, Al Qaeda-in-Iraq is struggling to make payroll and work is scarce, necessitating cutbacks in benefits.

Al Qaeda-in-Iraq’s parent company, Al Qaeda, has come under scrutiny for a seemingly aloof response to the problems of its satellite organizations. The notoriously tight-lipped leadership group has yet to issue a public statement about the layoffs, much less pump in needed funds. And the company now faces a growing scandal after CEO and president Osama Bin Laden issued himself 200 bonus virgins, an ill-timed move from a public relations perspective.

“Sure. He gets to reside in a luxurious cave in the resort region along the Pakistan and Afghanistan border while we pick sand out of our butt cracks,” complains Pinky Azzad. “To think this used to be a good place to work.”

Indeed, Al Qaeda rose as high as number 11 on Forbes Magazine’s annual 100 Best Places to Work list, but that was back in 2001. Now the once-proud bunch of murderers is scrambling to stay afloat in a bad economy and has seen its market share dwindle. Relentless attacks from US Predator drone aircraft haven’t helped.     

Al Qaeda spokesperson Tariq “Tiny” Al-Fazzah challenges that assertion, saying, “The mosquito bites of the infidels’ insect planes are worthless in the face of the almighty and righteous bug spray with which we cast them from the Earth and into hell.”

Al-Fazzah was killed by a missile fired from a US Predator drone before he had time to clarify his statement.

Roadside bomber Azzad admits he wouldn’t mind if about 300 more of his colleagues fell victim to drone attacks.

“I’m not usually such a cold-blooded guy,” said the terrorist, “but, hey, I need my job.”

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

News round-up: Maybe if you’d been paying attention, we wouldn’t have to write this!

Posted by oldancestor on June 2, 2010

Rogue astronauts steal space shuttle Atlantis


This satellite image shows police space cruisers chasing down the stolen shuttle. At the bottom of the frame, Starsky and Hutch are seen joining the pursuit.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – NASA suffered yet another embarrassment this weekend when outlaws made off with the space shuttle Atlantis in a bold nighttime theft. The craft, having just returned from its supposed final voyage, was left outside the hanger overnight, and when employees arrived for work on Saturday, it was gone.

“It’s a simple explanation,” said NASA spokesperson Clint Howard. “Apparently the pilot left the keys on the dashboard and the door unlocked. We’re reviewing security procedures to make sure nothing like this happens again.”

Fortunately for the taxpayer-funded agency, the thieves were later apprehended en route to the moon, where it is believed they planned to hide out in a secret cave. The pursuit and capture mission was conducted as a joint operation between the FBI and the Houston, Texas police department. Officials say the shuttle, which was impounded, will be returned to its hanger in Florida after law-enforcement authorities complete their investigation.

“We’re just glad no one was hurt,” said Howard, almost as if he meant it.

The incident is the latest in a series of blunders committed by the once-respected space agency.

Two weeks ago, NASA officials unveiled design plans for a new type of shuttle called Novolar, only to discover the name translates into Spanish as “No Fly.” And in February, a tape surfaced on the internet that appeared to show the space agency and porn actress Ragina Groinacre engaging in multiple rocket launches.

Sarah Palin builds fence around her house to keep out “Fake America”


WASILLA, AK – Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin had a fence installed around her property this week to prevent the encroachment of what she called “Fake America” onto her property.

The fence, 300-yards long if configured in a straight line, is a considerably scaled-down version of the one she proposed during the 2008 presidential campaign, when she ran for vice president on the losing GOP ticket. At the time, she called for the southern half of Virginia to be walled off from the north, with the fence eventually to be extended along the western border of Maryland, through the middle of Pennsylvania, and upward to Michigan, effectively cutting off the northeastern United States from the rest of the country.

Most fake Americans are thought to live in this region.

When questioned about the modification to her plan, Palin said, “With so many ordinary, real Americans like me struggling to make ends meet, I thought it wouldn’t be right to spend all that money on a big fence.”

She went on to say, “Fake America still knows where it is.”

Fake Americans are believed to read newspapers, care about their country too, and disagree with Sarah Palin.

Iraqi politician says he “misspoke” about having been a suicide bomber


BAGHDAD – In an incident that recalls Senate candidate Dick Blumenthal’s false claim of having fought in the Vietnam War, an Iraqi man running for mayor of Baghdad admitted this week he was not a former suicide bomber, contrary to what he’d stated numerous times on the campaign trail.

Tariq Al-Hassan, the candidate from the conservative “Death to Infidels” party, was at the grand opening of a Target superstore in the Sadr City neighborhood of Baghdad when a reporter asked, “If you had been a suicide bomber, wouldn’t you be dead right now?”

An embarrassed Al-Hassan tried to have the reporter beheaded, but the damage was already done. Faced with a firestorm of criticism and plunging poll numbers, the politician released a statement yesterday that read, “I apologize for having misspoken about my past recently. A member of my staff discovered I was not a suicide bomber but rather an auditor for Saddam Central Bank. I’ve had my campaign manager killed to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Al-Hassan had been the favorite going into next month’s election against his rival, Sinbad the Sailor.      

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Domestic annoyist attempts to stink up Times Square with fertilizer

Posted by oldancestor on May 5, 2010



By Eric J Baker


New York, site of the attempted attack, is bigger than this map suggests

NEW YORK – FBI agents thwarted an annoyist attack in Manhattan yesterday, arresting a man just as he was about to dump a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer onto the sidewalk. If the attempt had been successful, hundreds or even thousands of pedestrians would have grimaced, or worse.

The man, identified by the FBI as 40-year-old Muslim-Catholic F. Azziz-O’Rourke of Jersey City, is thought to have acted alone. Local authorities became suspicious and called in federal agents when they noticed a farm tractor hauling a wagon southbound on Seventh Avenue. The cargo was initially thought to be a bomb made from fertilizer but turned out to be just fertilizer.

“I was terrified,” said Park Avenue resident Courtney Rockefeller-Trump, who witnessed the arrest. “My sweater is cashmere. What if some of that [expletive] had gotten on it?”

Several bystanders quoted an NYPD officer at the scene saying, “There’s nothing to see here,” and “move along.”

Neighbors in Azziz-O’Rourke’s apartment feigned disinterest when questioned, though many were likely hiding deep feelings of shock and vulnerability. He was a man most of them trusted around their children, possibly.

“Azziz? Who the hell is that?” said a man in the next-door apartment who declined to give his name. When shown a photograph, he insisted on continuing the charade. “Nope.”

Neighbor Mira Goldstein remembers a chilling encounter with the would-be annoyist.

“That’s the [expletive] who took my laundry out of the washer downstairs and left it on a dirty table,” she said, adding, “I hope they hang him.”

In an eerie coincidence, the federal government chose yesterday to unveil to reporters its latest public alert system, which is meant to replace the previous color-coded warnings implemented following the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Americans may recall the threat level often became stuck on Orange (elevated), particularly around election time.

“People complained that the color coding didn’t really provide any practical value,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano at the press conference. “This time, we’re offering recommendations.”

An image of the chart taken with a Hardy Boys’ Super Neato Spy Camera appears below.

Not-at-all illegally obtained copy of new "threat" chart.

When pressed for further information, Secretary Napolitano admitted her department created the new alert system in order to continue receiving funding for new alert systems.

“If you actually try to improve efficiency and spend less money in Washington, they run you out of town,” she said moments before removing a flask from her purse and taking a swig of what can only be assumed was ‘Keep-America-Safe’ juice.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »