Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell 2012!

By Eric J Baker

 

Brain Chart (Courtesy of Princeton University’s Neuroscience Department)

WASHINGTON DC – Scientists from Princeton University reported yesterday that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and Delaware’s Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate Christine O’Donnell each have 2,012 stupid thoughts per day. Only about five to ten of these thoughts are articulated verbally, say scientists.

“We didn’t think it was possible for people whose heads are crowded with so much nonsense to function in society,” says head researcher Dr. Herbert West. “But there you have it.”

West says these stupid thoughts most likely explain the string of ethics lapses, acts of hypocrisy, and “almost pathological” misunderstanding of civics displayed by both women.

Then how does one account for the financial success and notoriety garnered by Palin and O’Donnell?

“Look, I’m sure the dodo bird was a shrewd animal,” says West.

According to the Princeton report, researchers asked each woman to wear a university-provided thought-reading helmet for ten days. The helmet, constructed from coconuts, a police car flasher, and the rudder from the S.S. Minnow, collects thoughts on a flash drive and sorts them into stupid and non-stupid files. Palin’s least-stupid thoughts came when she was eating Cheerios and putting her shoes on the correct feet. O’Donnell’s occurred when she brushed her teeth using the gentle, short strokes suggested by her dentist.

Despite the apparent effectiveness of the helmet, some are questioning the researchers’ ethics.

“I think these women were duped for the purpose of making Republicans look bad,” House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) told Joe Scarborough, host of MSNBC’s Morning Joe. “They were told it was a ‘GOP purity helmet.’ Then again, if they believed that, I guess they are stupid.”

Boehner did maintain that the Princeton University report is the kind of document that gives fake-news journals easy opportunity to make fun of conservatives.

“The left-wing media bias extends to fake news,” he told Morning Joe viewers. “Where are all the stories making Democrats look bad?”

Is it true that fake-news journalists unfairly target Republicans?

“It’s more complicated than that,” says Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake-news journal, The Avocado. “Anyone who holds extreme views deserves to be mocked. But the far right tends to be more outlandish than the far left. Creation museums where men are depicted riding dinosaurs, airheaded beauty queens holding public office, and people wearing tea-bag hats are just inherently funnier than bloated healthcare bills and amnesty for illegal aliens.”

Perhaps Boehner has a point, though. A quick, unscientific analysis of fake-news articles appearing in The Avocado and its rival journal, The Anvil, shows that conservatives and Republicans tend to be mocked on policy and viewpoint while Democrats and liberals are more often the focus of bizarre, non-political stories. President Obama has shown up in numerous articles published by both journals, but seldom is his leadership the subject of satire.

“I can’t speak for those jokers at The Anvil, who have this bizarre obsession with zombies,” says Bunny, “but the thing with Obama is… how do you make disappointment funny?”

Some on the left are unhappy with Bunny’s comments. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for Congress to pass a new Fairness in Reporting bill that requires every comment critical of Democrats to be balanced by a comment equally critical of Republicans.

When reached for their views on this story, both Palin and O’Donnell said Fox News told them not to talk to reporters or they couldn’t have dessert.

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Sarah Palin admits her “stupid act” has been a running hoax

She’s really the chairperson of Mensa and Harvard’s Dean of Political Science

By Eric J Baker

 

WASILLA, AK – Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted yesterday that her erratic, sometimes bizarre, and often idiotic public behavior during the past three years has been part of an elaborate hoax carried out for a faux documentary that’s being produced and directed by actor Matt Damon.

“I just can’t go on perpetrating this fraud anymore,” Palin told reporters outside her home in Wasilla, Alaska yesterday. “All the ‘you betcha’ comments. The winks. The painful lack of knowledge about world affairs and government process. All lies. I mean really, what kind of moron would name her kids ‘Trig’ and ‘Track’?”

What about the infamous Katie Couric interview during which she couldn’t name a single newspaper that she read?

“It was all staged by Matt Damon,” says Palin. “Of course, Katie was in on it. We sat down beforehand and asked ourselves, ‘What’s the most embarrassing question for a VP to struggle with?’”

Palin went on to explain that she finally opened up about the hoax after seeing the criticism faced by actor Casey Affleck earlier this week, when he admitted his documentary about fellow star Joaquin Phoenix’s alleged downward mental spiral was proved to be staged. That film, entitled I’m Still Here, may be released on DVD and Blu Ray next spring as a double feature with the Damon/Palin collaboration, which is to be called, How Freaking Completely Scary is it That People Take This Deranged Lunatic Seriously, to the Point that Some of Them Say They Would Actually Vote for Her in a Presidential Election?! Don’t They Want Someone Even Remotely Qualified and With at Least an Ounce of Intelligence to be the Most Powerful Person in the World, for Cryin’ Out Loud? May We Remind You This Person Has Access to Nuclear Weapons?   

When reached by phone at his home in Hollywood, California, Damon would not confirm that his film was a fake, but he did admit to experiencing problems with the production.

“Frankly, the name is too long,” he said. “I’m not sure what I can do about that, though. We already named it.”

Indeed, the title is long. So long that filmmaker Ray Dennis Steckler, who directed the 1964 film, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies !!?, says he will sue Damon and Palin for financial damages resulting from the loss of his status as a trivia-book footnote.

“Not cool, man” he said in an interview that appeared on Fangoria.com yesterday. “Not cool.”

Steckler isn’t the only public figure upset with Palin’s actions. Arizona Senator John McCain, who shared the GOP ticket with Palin in the 2008 presidential election, said through his spokesperson, Frieda Lay, that he never knew his former running mate wasn’t a half-wit.

“Ms. Palin has deliberately tried to damage Senator McCain’s heretofore unblemished credibility,” said Lay.

She also said that McCain would have loved to talk to reporters directly, but he was too busy selling out his ideals in an effort to pander to ultra-right-wing conservative voters.

So what’s next for Palin, now that she’s shedding her carefully cultivated public persona?

“What I really want to do is direct,” she said. There’s no official word on what her debut feature will be, but rumors are already circulating that she will helm the espionage thriller, I Can See Russia from My Porch.

Palin may be able to use her experiences as a stepping stone to Hollywood, but the little people in her employ may not be so fortunate.

Babyface Finster, a dwarf actor who has played the part of “Track” in Palin’s public appearances for the past three years, is philosophical about his change of fortune.

“Eh, it was a good gig while it lasted,” he says. “I suppose I could always go back to robbing banks.”

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Abe Lincoln booted from history books!

By Eric J Baker

 

Artist’s rendering of what Abe Lincoln might look like today, if his body were injected with Evil-X Reanimating Fluid by a mad scientist

QUANTUM WASHINGTON DC – In the alternate universe yesterday, President Sarah Palin issued an executive order invalidating Abraham Lincoln’s presidency. According to Palin, Lincoln violated the Quantum US Constitution by freeing the slaves and not allowing the south to secede from the union.

Andrew Johnson will now be considered the 16^th president, and banks have been ordered to turn in all pennies to the US mint so Lincoln’s image on each coin can be recut to resemble that of Johnson. Palin’s portrait will replace Lincoln’s on the five-dollar bill. Stickers bearing Palin’s likeness have already been mailed to every citizen in possession of more than five dollars.

“When Baby Jesus wrote our Constitution, he wanted that document to be totally fubu,” President Palin told Americans in a speech televised during primetime last night. “That means we can remake the government if we don’t like what our government does.”

Palin also said slavery was a state’s rights issue and that the federal government shouldn’t be permitted to impose its moral values on individuals.

“It’s like, ‘Hello, my name is Big Government, now pay me taxes and give me your personal property,’” Palin said in the speech that many are calling one of the greatest in presidential history.

“It’s her Gettysburg Address,” said TV news pundit Rex Kramer. “Except that, with Lincoln’s presidency rescinded, there was no Gettysburg Address. And it didn’t take place in Pennsylvania. So I guess it was nothing like that. Never mind. It wasn’t a great speech. Forget I said it.”

Vice President Bristol Palin, who was unable to attend the speech because she was starring in a reality show about a trashy bimbo with a mother who inexplicably draws thousands of people to her public appearances where she spews nothing but pure drivel, said, “Like, Abe Lincoln is dead to me. I’m soooo ignoring him from now on. And that beard? Ew.”

President Palin’s cabinet members, Track, Trig, Traipse, Tron, Tribble, Trash, Trinket, and Trog Palin, issued a joint statement in support of the ruling. The statement said, in part, “We believe in the absolute authority of the US Constitution, and anyone who speaks out against the President’s interpretation of it will be summarily executed.”

The statement also said, “All hail President Palin. All hail President Palin.”

Not everyone approves of the President’s approach to enforcing the quantum founding fathers’ vision for America.

Barak Obama, a constitutional law professor at Harvard University, said in an interview recently, “George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich! George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich! George Bush! Wall Street! Tax cuts for the rich!”

Some ordinary Quantum Americans are taking a more radical approach to challenging Palin’s authority. A grassroots political movement, calling itself “The Boston Massacre” has been on the rise all across the country, largely made up of citizens opposed to the 28^th Amendment, which declares President Palin to be Queen Forever.

“We fought the French in the Revolutionary War so we wouldn’t have a queen anymore,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Quantum Oklahoma and chairman of the local Boston Massacre Party chapter. “My father fought in the Battle of Woodstock in 1969 when Jimi Hendrix was killed, and damn if I’m going to let some hick from Alaska parade around like she owns the place.”

Tool says he plans to join the pastor of his local church in burning a stack of Queen albums this week as a symbolic protest.

“Fat-bottomed girls, my ass!” he says.

Unfortunately for Tool and like-minded Quantum Americans, President Palin’s policies seem secure for now. The Boston Massacre movement has been having trouble gaining traction, as its members are required to kill each other with muskets at each meeting.

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Labor Day: America pauses to remember employment

By Eric J Baker

Wanted: Trudy, 53, last seen Wednesdays from 6 to midnight at Jiggle's GoGo Palace

In a show of solidarity with the unemployed, Americans who have the last of the nation’s existing jobs (thanks to a grandfather clause) will take Monday off from work and goof around like their out-of-work counterparts do everyday. Office workers will host backyard barbeques. Road crews will trade shovels for beach umbrellas. Depressed journalists will file their stupid Labor Day fluff pieces and then hit the bar, numbing their meaningless lives with shot after shot of Southern Comfort and waking up nine hours later next to a 53-year-old stripper named Trudy, with no memory of what transpired between.

At what is sure to be a solemn ceremony, President Obama will hang a memorial wreath on the door of a downtown Washington DC unemployment office Monday and say something like, “While we encourage Americans to go out and have a great time, it’s important that we all take a moment to remember employment. Millions of jobs gave their lives so bank CEOs can buy yachts. We must never forget that.”

Some readers may remember the Employment Period, which lasted from the dawn of civilization until 2008, with a notable pause in the early 1930s. During this time, people were often able to acquire jobs in exchange for financial compensation from job providers, frequently called “employers.” Most jobs were soul-sucking, meaningless affairs that left their holders depressed shells of human beings, but the compensation enabled them to purchase DVDs and shoes, thus mitigating the pain and encouraging them to continue working.

Some claim that jobs will become available again if the federal government passes tough new anti-immigration laws.

Conservative figurehead, author, politician, and attention whore Sarah Palin held a rally south of Fairfax, Virginia Sunday, calling it “Taking Back Real America,” at which she claimed lax immigration policies have led to undocumented Mexicans taking all the manufacturing jobs as well as Information Technology and middle-management corporate positions.

“People say all the jobs have gone overseas,” Palin told thousands of cheering supporters. “And they’re right… If ‘overseas’ means America and ‘jobs’ means people from Mexico, who, let me tell you, don’t even speak American most of the time.”

As onlookers struggled to make sense of her analogy, she went on to say, “But we’re starting to turn the tide. New immigration laws in North Carolina sure chased away Hurricane Earl in a big hurry. Even fake America was spared, but do they appreciate it? Nooooo!”

Earl, an undocumented category 4 hurricane, attempted to make landfall in North Carolina’s barrier islands but was repelled. It eventually entered Canada through Nova Scotia, which is known for its flimsy border security.

Pinky Middleton, a meteorologist from the National Weather Service in Chicago, says that Earl may still try to sneak into the US from somewhere along the eastern portion of the country’s border with Canada.

“These illegal hurricanes are crafty,” says Middleton, “But he’s liable to find himself out of luck. There aren’t any jobs left.”

Indeed, searches for “natural disaster” on Careerbuilder.com, Monster, and Hotjobs did not return any hits.

In other news, Trudy, I want my wallet back.

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