THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘Glenn Beck’

Obama in trouble for eating Cracker Jacks

Posted by oldancestor on October 4, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Classic snack... or yet another attempt by the black power elite to oppress the white man?

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama drew criticism from conservatives today when it was revealed that he had eaten the popular anti-Caucasian snack “Cracker Jacks” as recently as 1997. Several Republican presidential candidates were quick to pounce on the alleged racist act.

“I think it’s appalling that, in this day and age, a public figure can act like we’re still living in the 19th century,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry from his family’s hunting ranch, Niggerhead. “It’s hypocrisy.”

Fellow candidate, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann, appeared to agree. “It’s the typical hip-hop we’ve come to expect from this President. President Obama is a hip-hop artist.”

When asked what he thought of the President’s apparent act of white-bashing, GOP presidential hopeful Chris Christie said, “For the hundredth f***ing time, I’m not running for president,” further fueling media speculation that the New Jersey governor was about to jump into the race.

Obama, who is black, has not issued a statement on the controversy, but Vice President Joe Biden was willing to go on the record as saying he was tired of race baiting from the right.

“Look, folks, the President isn’t a racist,” Biden said on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews this afternoon. “He just likes the little prize on the bottom. Nothing wrong with that.”

Biden said he also eats Cracker Jacks, often pretending he’s Godzilla and that the popcorn pieces are “little white people’s deformed heads.”

Cracker Jacks, which consist of popcorn, peanuts, caramel, and African-American rage, were invented and marketed by the Black Panthers in the early ‘70s in the hopes of funding a race war that would overthrow whitey, according to conservative pundit Glenn Beck.

On his Web show, GBTV, Beck said, “These things were originally supposed to be called, ‘Rise Up and Kill Honky Puffs,’ but it wouldn’t fit on the box.”

Other racist foods include white chocolate, Oreos, and chicken eggs, which come in white and brown.

“I picture white and black people cracking those eggs on the sides of mixing bowls in anger,” said Beck, wiping tears away with his sleeve. “It’s like a little race war, right there on your kitchen counter. I wish we could move past the hatred.”

Phone messages left at the White House requesting information on the President’s egg color preference were not returned.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments »

Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states

Posted by oldancestor on June 28, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Michele Bachmann

WASHINGTON DC – Minnesota congresswoman and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann admitted to reporters today that she is the indeed the notorious serial killer “Tea Bag Tom,” who has been terrorizing residents of eight northern states for over two years. Earlier in the week, Bachmann confirmed she was recently possessed by the spirit of executed murderer John Wayne Gacy, which could be the motive behind the killing spree.

“I envision an America where personal responsibility means something,” Bachmann said just after her confession. “That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to step up and take personal responsibility for my murders.”

Since March of 2009, 20 bodies have been found across a region stretching from Montana to Illinois. Though no obvious signs of trauma were evident on the victims’ corpses, police say their faces were all frozen in a look of terror that could only be caused by hearing the phrase, “President Michele Bachmann.” Reporters began calling the then-unidentified killer “Tea Bag Tom” when all the letters on their keyboards besides a, b, e, g, m, o, and t stopped working.

“We also tried ‘A Gate Tomb’ and ‘Eat Mat Bog,’ but they just didn’t have that ‘serial killer’ ring to them,” says Pinky Middleton, an investigative reporter for the Fargo Atlantic Press in North Dakota. “Plus, the killer signed the bodies with ‘Tom was here’ and stuffed tea bags in the victims mouths, which made the decision a bit easier.”

Political pundits are divided on how the murder confession will affect Bachmann’s presidential ambitions. Sean Hannity of Fox News told his viewers today, “Who cares? The victims were all prostitutes and liberals, which is the same thing anyway. She was doing the world a favor.”

Indeed, Bachmann says, “I support freedom for all Americans who are Christian conservative white people. My so-called ‘victims’ were freedom thieves, darn it.”

Not everyone agrees that Bachmann will emerge with her election hopes intact. Keith Olbermann of Current TV, whose name also ends in ‘mann’ but starts with ‘Olber,’ told his viewer today, “I’d say she’ll burn in hell for this, but we liberals are all secretly atheists anyway, and we don’t believe in that shiznit.”

Controversial commentator Glenn Beck weighed in on the issue this evening by telling his radio listeners that Michele Bachmann is a great American. He also said President Obama is putting nano-bots into the nation’s water supply that will take over our minds and make us beat up old ladies while voting for bigger government. He also cried and advised his listeners to buy Glenn Beck brand filtered water, which is “99.9 percent nano-bot free.”  

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Hi there, Anvil readers. Words below the asterisk can only mean one thing: I’m hyping my new Pure Film Creative post entitled “The underage-sex reverse Richter scale.” In it I talk movies, art, and perversion. Artful nudity warning, but, unless you are super uptight, I doubt you’ll be offended. Click here for the story.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide

Posted by oldancestor on August 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Two of the 20th century's most beloved product icons, The Kool-Aid Man and Peppy McDeath, are working together again

WASHINGTON DC – At a Glenn Beck rally held in Washington DC yesterday, event organizers were embarrassed when it was discovered there was not enough cyanide to go around. Approximately half of the 50,000 people in attendance had to drink straight Kool-Aid and didn’t die.

Beck, host of a popular Fox News television show and author of several books someone else actually wrote*, was in town to commemorate the thirty-first-and-three-quarters-of-a-year anniversary of the Jonestown Massacre, which took place in Guyana in 1978 and claimed the lives of over 900 Americans. Earlier in the week, Beck had vowed to “take back mass-suicide cultism from South America.”

Several survivors of yesterday’s rally left disappointed.

“He [Beck] told us the only way to make America good again was to swallow the little orange pill,” said attendee Pinky Middleton, 28, of Misdirected Anger, Indiana. “He said spaceships would come down and take President Obama back to Ceti Alpha Five. I didn’t get no pill, and I didn’t see no spaceships.”

It could not be independently confirmed if spaceships came for the President after the mass suicide took place.

Beck was unavailable for comment, but his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer, told The Anvil via telephone this morning, “There was, like, a problem with the metric system? So, like, we had twice a much cups of Kool-Aid?”

She also said, “This is why Mr. Beck thinks the metric system is un-American, because, like, they use different number systems there. President Obama wants to socialize number systems, which we need to not allow, moreover.”

The White House was busy setting up its ObamaCam second-by-second vacation-activity media tracker and would not respond to Ditzmeyer’s comments. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was only willing to say, “Not now. The President is eating a bowl of Cheerios and I need to write a press release about it.”

Sarah Palin, the keynote speaker at Beck’s rally and also a fake author****, defended event organizers responsible for the cyanide shortage while managing to take a shot at the President at the same time.

“People… real people like you and me… we like Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is good enough for us,” she said. “Unlike our elitist, out-of-touch President who eats cereal shaped like the first letter of his last name. Nope. Kool-Aid is for honest, hard-working Americans, like those that came to see me speak.”

The fruity beverage, which event organizers were selling for $20 a cup, is noted for its effectiveness in dissolving poison capsules, thus making it the world’s most popular powdered drink at mass-suicide events. A representative for the manufacturer claims that the company shipped over 100,000 packets to Beck’s rally and always welcomes the free publicity that accompanies a lurid news story involving its product.

In business news, television host Glenn Beck reportedly purchased stock in Kool-Aid Incorporated last week, just before a massive order was shipped to his rally in downtown Washington, DC.

“People are, like, complaining that 25,000 attendees only got straight Kool-Aid with no cyanide,” says his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer. “But, you know, 25,000 others did get cyanide. I wonder why you’re not asking them if they are satisfied. Is it because of left-wing media bias? I think it is.”

In employment news, the city of Washington in the District of Columbia is looking to hire one-thousand corpse haulers, on a temporary basis. Carts will be supplied.     

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*possibly, maybe**

** I don’t want to get sued for libel***

***Come on. Like he actually sat down for a year and typed out multiple drafts of a novel without any formal training as a writer. Give me a f—ing break. That’s insulting to anyone who writes.

**** Seriously. How can someone who writes reminders on her freaking hand possibly author a book?*****

*****Just kidding, Sarah darling. You know I love you. Pssst. Call me next time Todd is away at some secessionist meeting.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , | 25 Comments »