Kagan, angered by probing questions, turns into The Hulk

3 senators killed; Kagan’s pantsuit damaged

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Kagan Hulk throttles Republican Senator Jeff Sessions

WASHINGTON DC – “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

If certain Senate Judiciary Committee members had heeded that warning, issued by a visibly riled Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan minutes before she attacked the panel, they might be alive this morning.

At the end of a second full day of tough questioning, Kagan appeared to lose her cool when committee member Jeff Sessions (R-AL) asked, “If God can do anything, can he make a rock that he can’t pick up?”

Kagan refused to answer, prompting Sessions to repeat the question, at which point the nominee warned, “You’d better stop.”

When the Senator said, “Or you’ll do what,” Kagan’s eyes turned white, and, before a stunned group of senators and television crewmembers, she transformed into an incredible hulk, tossing the table and chair aside and leaping at Sessions.

Video from the hearing, since confiscated by federal investigators, showed Kagan hurling Sessions against the wall, then picking up senators Tom Coburn (R-OK) and Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and slamming their heads together.

Witnesses report Kagan saying, “Hulk smash puny humans!” before punching a hole in the wall and fleeing. She was later apprehended at her hotel room by local police, though the arresting officers say she had returned to human form by then.

Senators Coburn and Schumer were pronounced dead at the scene of the attack, and Senator Sessions died later at a local hospital.

Condemnation from Republicans came swiftly.

“This woman broke with a half century of Hulk tradition when she killed those men,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. “Hulks are only supposed to injure people. Will she break from the Constitution as well? I think it’s possible.”

Carly Fiorina, the former Hewlett Packard CEO who will challenge incumbent Barbara Boxer for California’s senate seat this November said, “Did you see those purple pants Kagan had on? What decade is she in? Ugh. Not this one.”

The Obama administration quickly came to Kagan’s defense.

“That’s what those guys get for being smartasses,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “What are your views on this? What are your views on that? Just get on with it already. Jesus Christ!”

Kagan’s unexpected move may have upset conservatives in Washington, but she is winning broad support among ordinary Americans. The nominee has even inspired an overnight political party that calls itself Green Power Now!

“This is the fastest way I can think of to clean up Washington,” says the party’s founder, Chester Tool. “Kagan for President!”

Tool says he has no idea what “alternative energy” means, and he sees nothing wrong with a political party that has only two members getting prominent coverage in a news article.

As for Kagan, she may have to put her presidential ambitions on hold while the mess she created yesterday is sorted out. Legal experts say she is unlikely to be charged with a crime, since a hulk is considered by US courts to be a separate entity from its host. Ironically, it was the Supreme Court that made this determination in the 1983 case, David Banner v. The Guy Who Followed Him Everywhere.

Prior to yesterday’s incident, the most notable transformation in Supreme Court Nominee history occurred when recently retired Justice David Souter was nominated as a conservative judge but transformed into a liberal one as soon as he was confirmed.  

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Democrats choose Mouse as new mascot; Donkey ousted

Sales of mouse traps surge

 

By Eric J Baker

 

The Democrats' new logo

WASHINGTON DC – In a surprise move, Congressional Democrats have decided to replace the party’s longstanding Donkey mascot with that of a Mouse. The decision was announced this morning following an all-night, Democrats-only session in the Senate chamber.

“We felt the need to update our image,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid told reporters. “The Donkey was a fine mascot, but we want to change the impression that we are stubborn. A Mouse is more… compliant.”

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, flanking Reid at the press conference, added, “This doesn’t mean we aren’t going to keep fighting hard for middle-class Americans. Unless Republicans look like they might get ready to start thinking about a filibuster. All bets are off then.”

Indeed, Senate Democrats used their 19-vote majority last week to aggressively back away from extending jobless benefits. They’ve also thrown their weight around to cave in to bankers’ demands instead of passing meaningful financial reform. And now President Obama is getting in on the act: The White House says it plans to follow through on the opposite of a campaign promise by leaving the prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba open indefinitely.

Reid’s Senate counterpart, Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, was unhappy when told of the closed-door meeting.

“Once again, we hear talk of bipartisanship, yet the Democrats chose to make this mascot decision without Republican input,” said McConnell. “We have lots of ideas for what their mascot should be, but they never asked us.”

The Donkey, reached by phone at his home in a posh northwestern Washington DC neighborhood, said Democrats are “a bunch of pansies” who deserve to suffer heavy losses in the November midterm elections.

“Honestly, I was embarrassed to tell people I’m that donkey,” he said. “The only bad thing about losing my job is that I no longer have a way to support my $10,000 a week cocaine and prostitute habit.”

He also admits to feeling like an ass.

Reaction in GOP circles was mixed, with so-called establishment Republicans choosing to stand behind the classic Elephant mascot while some up-and-comers suggest their party might benefit from making some changes as well.

Four-term Arizona Senator John McCain said, “If the Democrats think an Elephant is afraid of a mouse, they should stop watching so many cartoons. The big E is here to stay, my friends.”

In contrast, GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul of Kentucky, who has attracted plenty of media attention lately for his controversial statements, is open to ditching the Elephant in favor of a fresher image.

“I was thinking we could go with a southern plantation owner, circa 1850,” he said. “A strict constitutionalist, but also funny, like he could be on a commercial for a fast-food chain or something.”

When told such a character might engender negative associations in the minds of certain voters, Paul said, “Oh, you mean because of the slavery thing? I get that. I definitely think institutionalized slavery was one of the 200 worst things that ever happened in this country.”

While long-serving Republicans continue to cringe at the embarrassingly racist comments made by its outside-the-beltway candidates, unified Democrats vow to continue failing to take advantage of their opponent’s mistakes.

“We’ll do our very best to get clobbered this November, Mouse or no Mouse,” said Reid, who added, “Wait. What did I just say?”

Arizona’s tough new anti-zombie law raises questions

Zombies: US citizens or domestic terrorists?

 

By Eric J Baker

Constitutional conundrum: Should zombies be allowed to vote?

PHOENIX – In response to the Zombie Apocalypse that’s rapidly sweeping the world, Arizona’s legislature passed a harsh new anti-zombie law this week, despite a harsh law in place that prevents the passage of harsh laws.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Arizona governor Jan Brewer said last night on CNN’s Larry King Live, though it is not known if she was referring to the passage of the new law or quoting the character Jafar from Aladdin.

She also said, “Throw me the lamp!”

As promised by the governor, the new law contains a provision allowing armed citizens to kill zombies on sight. Previously, only law-enforcement personnel, national guardsmen, and paid government militia members were permitted to shoot the walking dead. But it’s other components of the legislation that have stirred debate and stoked controversy.

Businesses can now be fined for using zombie labor, and people who keep undead relatives locked up rather than turning them over to the authorities will risk jail time. Zombies of illegal immigrants can either be shot or deported.

“This is just another way for the government to curtail our civil liberties,” says Paul Naschy, whose uncle Jacinto Molina, a zombie, was living in a cage in the back yard. Until the police shot Molina and took away the body.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Naschy laments, “The zombies or the socialists.”

Zombie rights groups oppose the new law and vow to take the state of Arizona to court.

“Zombies are US citizens, just like you and me,” says Patchouli Johnson of Zombies Are People (ZAP), a not-for-profit organization. “Why are they being treated like intruders? The government took away their unemployment checks, even though we know no one will hire a zombie, and now they’re being exterminated like mosquitoes. Where’s the compassion?”

Legal experts say there is a distinction between zombies and humans. It just hasn’t been established yet.

“Technically, it’s hard to prove a zombie isn’t the same person he was when alive,” explains Harvard law professor Nadine Pencilwacker. “Same finger prints, same retina pattern. Still moving. And the legal world doesn’t account for such a thing as a ‘soul.’ On the other hand, these creatures are ravenous cannibals. But can they be charged with a crime? Are they legally insane? There are so many layers.”

Pencilwacker went on to say, “Aaaaaaah! Help! Oh God, they’re killing meeee….” while being overrun by a horde of walking corpses during our interview.

Unlike with the anti-immigrant legislation Governor Brewer signed into law in April, the Obama administration has had little to say about Arizona’s stance toward the undead. Some believe President Obama is attempting to appear more centrist after spending nearly two years dealing with divisive issues like heath care reform, bank bailouts, and unemployment. Since polls show an overwhelming majority of Americans support the right to shoot zombies, it might be wise for the President to stay above the fray as the 2010 midterms approach.

With regard to his 2012 reelection effort, Obama can only hope the undead kill and eat more Republicans than Democrats between now and then. Zombies may not have the right to vote (yet), but they can still affect the outcome of elections.

General McChrystal tells the Inquirer: “Obama has a bony ass”

A cry for help? 

  

By Eric J Baker 

 

 

  

General Stanley McChrystal, circa 1992, in his more carefree days

 

WASHINGTON DC – General Stanley McChrystal, who was relieved of his duties as US Commander of Armed Forces in Afghanistan yesterday by President Obama, now finds himself in even deeper trouble after another disparaging comment he made about the administration has come to light. 

In this week’s issue of National Inquirer, McChrystal was asked which administration official looks best in a swimsuit, to which he replied, “Well, it’s not the President. He has a bony ass.” 

The general went on to say Vice President Joe Biden looks “pasty” and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should “stop buying ugly one-piece swimsuits at Target.” 

The latest remarks follow those that appeared in Rolling Stone magazine last week and eventually cost McChrystal his job. In that interview, he said, “The President is all right, but that Michelle… ooh la la. There’s a woman. I’d like to take her home and show her what a real man is like… wait… you’re not recording this are you?” 

McChrystal’s firing puts him on a short list of high-profile military leaders who lost their positions in the midst of a combat campaign, including General Douglas Macarthur, who was fired by President Harry Truman during the Korean War in 1951, and General Zod, who was stripped of power by Superman in 1980. 

But since McChrystal has already been relieved of his duties, what can the President do to punish him for this latest transgression? As Commander-in-Chief, Obama has the authority to make him do push-ups or peel potatoes. However, most military analysts say the President is apt to simply let the general walk away from his military career altogether. 

“McChrystal’s actions suggest a man who wants to be fired,” says retired Admiral Lorth “Lolli” Needa, who gained notoriety by leading a fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers against the rebel alliance a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. “Of course, in my day, if you screwed up like that, they’d use the Force to crush your windpipe.” 

Just what are McChrystal’s plans, now that his military responsibilities have been handed off to someone else? If his frequent Tweets are an indication, the former leader of men plans to take on a new role: Leader of band members. 

It is believed McChrystal, who appeared on two grindcore albums in the early 1990s as lead guitarist of the band Curb Stomp a Baby, intends to take his music career off hold. Industry insiders say he is in talks with country music legend Crystal Gayle to record a pop CD together and tour the country under the name The McChrystal Gayle Nashville All-Stars. 

If the rumors are true, the general can surely look to his war experiences and his controversial relationship with President Obama for lyrical fodder.

Americans angry at Obama for traffic jams, allergies

OBAMA ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR PRODUCTS BREAKING JUST AFTER WARRANTY EXPIRES

 

By Eric J Baker

 

 

Americans are angry and getting angrier

 WASHINGTON DC – Virtual protestors stormed the internet this week to vent their increasing frustration with what they perceive as inaction from the Obama administration on critical issues facing America, such as heavy traffic and hay fever.

In the northeast, where automobile traffic is particularly dense, the anger has reached a boiling point.

“Everyday I have to put up with this,” says Carl Driver, a 52-year-old insurance salesman stuck in traffic on Route 1 in Edison, NJ, which is considered one of the most congested stretches of highway in the country. “It takes me a half hour to go five miles. The President has totally dropped the ball on this and I wonder when he will finally wake up and do something about it.”

Patty Bacon agrees.

Coming out of a Burger King on Route 413 in Levittown, PA, she says, “Whoever configured this road is a moron. I drove past the entrance twice. How should I know I was supposed to stay in the left lane?”

Bacon said she planned to go straight home and rip President Obama a new one on Yahoo comments threads the rest of the day.

“He’s too busy pushing his socialist agenda to send federal road crews out here and rearrange all this,” she declares with a scowl.

Indeed, Americans are angry and getting angrier. Mental health professionals express concern that a collective feeling of rage could result in widespread violence if left unchecked.

“I had a patient just the other day who punched himself in the face every time he sneezed,” says psychologist Dianne Agnose. “He beat himself to a pulp during an allergy attack and then asked me what happened to the hope and change he voted for. He thought he wouldn’t sneeze anymore. Sad.”

Retired lobotomist Herbert West believes we, as a nation, need to return to a simpler time when Americans were full of malaise and apathy rather than frothing hatred.

“It’s a good feeling not to care about anything anymore,” he says. “It’s less stressful. Instead of trying to blame a politician for things he can’t possibly control, you just look in the mirror and wonder why the hell you even exist.”

Still, West admits that, even for a passive guy like him, anger bubbles to the surface with increasing regularity these days.

“Just the other day I got the bill from the caterer for my daughter’s wedding,” he explains, “and it was two hundred dollars more than they quoted. There were all kinds of hidden charges. All I remember after that is running up and down the sidewalk screaming ‘Damn you, Obama!’”

And in a new twist on an already strange trend, Americans are growing angry with the President for not being angry.

“Acting like a screaming, ranting, crying lunatic is the only way to solve problems,” says Fox News television pundit Glenn Beck. “Look how much change I’ve effected since I went on the air. Thanks to me, Obama slashed up the BP CEO’s face with a straight razor instead of negotiating terms of payment.”

Journalists have taken the Commander-in-Chief to task in recent weeks for his aloof disposition, something the White House doesn’t…

You know what? Forget it. I don’t feel like finishing this article, damn it. I DON’T WANT TO FINISH THIS ARTICLE!!!!

Maybe if Obama got his act together, I could finish it, but he only cares about his radical left-wing agenda, leaving us poor writers to think of our own endings to articles. Damn it all to hell!

**shoves typewriter away, rips press card from hat, throws cigarette in coffee, and storms out**

[The Anvil apologizes for the angry way this story ended. The writer is now under sedation and resting comfortably – ed.]

UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.”

Afghanistan now more dangerous than running with scissors

 

By Eric J Baker

 

 

Tribal violence is on the rise in Afghanistan, as evidenced by this gruesome arial photo

 

 

 

NEW YORK – United Nation Secretary General Ban Ki Moon held a press conference yesterday afternoon, telling reporters, “It’s come to our attention recently that violent things have been happening in Afghanistan. After a lengthy investigation, if it’s determined someone is at fault, the UN will issue a severe reprimand.”

The United Nations, a powerful organization made up of diplomats from various nations throughout the world, often wields its might in the form of reprimands, scoldings, and, in extreme cases, tongue lashings when dealing with rogue governments. Threats of all-out lecture have kept rabble-rousing nations like Iran and North Korea in line.

But Afghanistan may prove difficult to wrangle, if history is a guide. The land-locked, resource-poor country, with rock-strewn, sandy terrain not unlike that of Mars, has long been a target of conquest by the foolish and the insane, yet no invader has succeeded in taking control for long.

So what suddenly set off the UN’s Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT? 

One reason for the rise in violence could be the tens of thousands of heavily armed foreign soldiers conducting a war in the country. The brand-new conflict, which began eight years ago, appears to have been ensnared like a lazy, overweight trout in the UN’s broad net of awareness.

“Nothing escapes [the UN’s] attention,” says Corporal Roger Cobb, an infantry soldier with the United States Army on his third tour of duty in Afghanistan. “We’ve been trying to keep this on the down-low.”

Some experts believe the military action is an indirect result of the international dirt shortage currently slowing hole-filling projects around the world.

“Afghanistan has huge tracts of dirt,” explains The Evil Rabbit, a professor of world affairs at England’s Oxford University. “But you can’t get to it because of all the internal fighting between dirt warlords. If you dig deep, no pun intended, you’ll find this conflict is financed by billionaire tycoons who have holes that need filling.”

NYU professor The Ear Kid refutes that claim, saying the war was caused by a simple zoning disagreement over the popular Tora Bora hotel resort and casino in the southeastern part of the country.

“Two towns want the tax revenue, so they fight,” says Kid. “Though I could be making that up. None of their documents is in English, and I don’t know anything about Afghanistan. I’m a drama teacher.”

 Whatever the cause, the UN promises a swift action, possibly as early as 2035.

Important events in the Afghanistan War:

• Terrorists from Saudi Arabia launch a devastating attack on US soil in September of 2001, prompting the UN to install the Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT
• The US Government is friendly with the dictators who run Saudi Arabia, so they attack Afghanistan
• Americans say it’s boring watching rubble get bombed into smaller bits of rubble
• The US Government agrees and attacks Iraq, which had plenty of buildings to blow up, though no ties to the terrorists
• The US recommits to fighting terrorists in Afghanistan, though the terrorists actually live in Pakistan now
• The US proudly beats it’s record for longest-lasting war, an honor previously held by the conflict in Vietnam
• UN releases Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT app for iPhone

Elena Kagan’s emails show a fondness for quoting Yoda, sending funny cat pics

BUT CAN SHE RESIST THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE?

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Kagan, as she might appear if she were a deranged murderer. Her emails give no indication one way or the other.

WASHINGTON DC – Emails released last week by President Obama’s Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan reveal a legal expert steeped in knowledge of Jedi teachings as well as Starfleet regulation. The documents also provide an important insight into the beliefs and judicial philosophy of the woman who will likely replace retiring justice John Paul Stevens later this summer.  

“This puts my mind at ease,” said Senate Judiciary Committee member Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who will cast a vote either for or against Kagan’s approval after confirmation hearings take place early next month. “We needed to see these documents to make sure she hadn’t confessed to a murder or something. This is the Supreme Court we’re talking about here.”

Some long-serving lawmakers are still smarting over the Supreme Court confirmation scandal of 1989, when Justice Jeffrey Dahmer was approved without a hearing. Dahmer was later found to have killed 17 people and kept their dismembered bodies in his apartment.

So far, Kagan has not been linked to any mysterious deaths, and her penchant for signing emails with Yoda quotes such as, “Wars not make one great,” and “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter,” suggests firm spiritual beliefs, an attribute that could make her appealing to more conservative-minded GOP senators.

“Kagan should sail through the confirmation process,” says Snooki, a legal analyst and professor at Harvard Law School. “Evidenced in her emails is an affinity for the teachings of Empire Strikes Back Yoda, not prequel Yoda. She found the Clone Wars to be a time of questionable moral authority for the Jedi, as should we all.”

President Obama’s nominee is not without her detractors, though. Tom Coburn (R-OK), a professed dog lover who also serves on the Judiciary Committee, asks, “What’s with all the cat pics she forwarded? ‘Can I has Cheezburger?’ That’s not funny.”

Coburn says nothing makes his filibuster finger itch like a cat lover, but he’d consider voting in Kagan’s favor if she were to send a new round of emails that include hilarious dog images.

“I don’t need made-up quotes, though,” he insists. “In fact, I hate made-up quotes.”

Even with a few dissenters in the mix, Kagan is expected to win approval easily and should be sitting on the court before the summer is over. All that remains is a review of her Costco receipts and inspection of her mattress tags, though few believe she will be tripped up this late in the game.

“The only thing that can stop her now is a problem during the body cavity search,” says Snooki.

New trend in animal fashion: Oil Chic

Also: The Week’s Worst Red Carpet Disasters!

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Today’s sea birds dripping with style

 

GULF OF MEXICO – Move over, Milan. Watch out, Westminster. There’s a new animal fashion capital and it’s called the Gulf of Mexico.

That’s right. The animal fashion industry has been caught flat-hoofed by a new trend sweeping the southeastern United States. They’re calling it “oil chic,” and today’s cosmopolitan critters can’t jump on the bandwagon fast enough.

Dressed in shiny black, the “Oil Chics” seem to have a nose for sniffing out photographers, and they don’t mind strutting their stuff for television cameras either. The look appears to be spreading, too, as more and more animals are riding the fashion wave.

But how did industry insiders not see this coming? Aren’t they supposed to be the pros?

Bill Duck, editor of Quack, a style magazine geared toward young waterfowl, says, “This shows you that street-savvy young animals decide what’s hip, not a bunch of feather puffers in a boardroom somewhere. You can market a new trend, but trends make themselves.”

When asked why she has adopted the new style, Londoner turned Louisiana marshland resident Trina Mallard says, “It’s a bit of all right, isn’t it? And it’s cheap too. All I have to do is go for a dunk and I come up all black and shiny. Beats spending loads and loads at the mall.”

Not everyone is impressed with the new style.

“Big deal!” squawks local crow, Chet Byrd. “I’ve had that look for years, and I do it without becoming flammable.”

Byrd’s friend visiting from out of state, a peacock named John Plume, thinks the look is ok, even if it makes him feel even more like a colorful outsider.

“When a trend catches on this fast, it dies out even faster,” he says. “They’ll all go back to being white or gray, and I’ll still be the sexiest thing on two legs.”

The week’s worst red carpet disasters

LOS ANGELES – Two red carpet disasters took place in Los Angeles this week within a few hours of each other, and neither involved Bjork or Mariah Carey.

The first incident occurred at noon on Wednesday, when terrorists lost control of the box truck they were driving and it crashed through the window of Tony’s All-Red-Carpet Carpet Emporium on 14^th street. The truck burst into flames, destroying the store and its inventory. Luckily, the fertilizer bomb in the back of the truck did not explode, and the store’s employees and customers, as well as they terrorists, escaped with minor injuries.

Tony Shag, the store’s owner, says sales were slow anyway and he’ll be glad for the insurance money.

The suicide bomber driving the truck was quoted as saying, “Whew, that was scary. I thought I was going to die.”

Across town three hours later, a TV crew filming the reality show We Remodeled Your House Without Consulting You was shocked when an enraged homeowner attacked and killed the show’s host, designer Arthur Deco, with an ax. Police say the homeowner, Les Borden, became incensed when he returned from work to find red wall-to-wall carpeting installed throughout the entire house. He then ran to his workroom, according to the police report, and emerged swinging the weapon. Deco was pronounced dead at the scene.

Police chief Moses Hightower told reporters, “It was clearly a crime of passion. That guy loved his hardwood.” 

Conservative school board reinvents history in textbook: No Carboniferous Period

TREES INFURIATED, CALLING FOR BOARD PRESIDENT’S RESIGNATION

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Conservative school board president Rex Fortescue stands before a Texas high school. He's unapologetic about his controversial views.

AUSTIN, TX – In a move sure to stir controversy, the state of Texas school board recently demanded – and got – changes to the 2011 edition of World History for Entitled Brats, a textbook handed out to incoming high school freshman.

At a glance, the book may not look much different from last year’s version. But a scan through its pages reveals an omission all the more shocking for the fact it is intentional: There’s no record of the Carboniferous period.

Readers, plus students, who only fake-read, will find the Devonian period where it belongs, from 417 to 359 million years ago. The text then picks up with the Permian, which lasted from 299 to 251 million years ago.

So where are the missing 60 million years?

“Never happened,” says newly elected school board president Rex Fortescue. “The Carboniferous period is a lie perpetrated by left-wing radicals bent on brainwashing our children.”

Fortescue, a dinosaur, does not offer proof the maligned geologic period is fabricated, and it’s worth noting that reptiles have long denied evolving from tetrapods. The squat, four-legged amphibian-like creatures lived in the Carboniferous and predate the reptilian occupants of the Triassic and Jurassic Periods.

When told the fossil record shows a clear link between tetrapods and dinosaurs, Fortescue says, “Reptiles were created by Godzilla in His own image. End of story.”

The firebrand Tyrannosaur’s controversial declarations haven’t gone unnoticed outside the walls of academe.

“Why does he even care what happened in the Paleozoic era?” asks Pinky Middleton, one of several maple trees protesting outside the school board’s offices in Austin. “The Carboniferous is a fact. Tetrapods are a fact.”

Most trees are believed to have evolved in the oxygen-rich Carboniferous.

“Say, he’d look good as a salad bowl on my dining room table,” was all Fortescue would say in response.

Dr. Armord Fish, a paleontologist at Princeton University and also a coelacanth, says, “My kind has been around since the Devonian. That’s almost half a billion years ago. Believe me, the Carboniferous happened, and anyone who says otherwise has let the Permian extinction go to his head.”

Dr. Fish adds, “This is why science belongs in textbooks and Godzilla belongs in church.”

Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt

“Enough with the idolatry!”

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Like millions of others, the Kraken has a hard time finding work these days. "The Gods must not be angry," it says.

MOUNT OLYMPUS – The king of the gods threw a temper tantrum yesterday, followed by a lightning bolt, striking a 62-foot-tall Jesus statue standing outside the Solid Rock church in Monroe, Ohio. The popular tourist attraction was destroyed.

Zeus was later quoted as saying, “I’ve been patiently overlooking these false idols for almost 1800 years, but come on. 62 feet high? That’s almost as tall as me.”

Indeed, the once-vengeful deity seldom targets statues of the popular biblical character and leaves most plastic dashboard figurines alone. In recent centuries, it seems the gods of Mount Olympus have taken a “live and let live” philosophy toward the foibles of earthbound mortals, in contrast with an earlier, more violent era, when whole cities often felt their wrath. The Kraken, the Titan of Mass Destruction most frequently deployed in the past, has not seen since action it was called upon to sink the ocean liner Titanic almost 100 years ago. In all likelihood, then, yesterday’s attack was an isolated incident.

Still, many Christians find themselves on edge since Solid Rock Church’s Jesus met its fiery demise.

“I hope they keep the statues in the basement until this whole thing blows over,” says Petralova Marquand, a congregant at Our Lady of the Pagan Resistance in Tampa, Florida. “I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.”

Farzad Rahmadi, a Muslim from West Virginia, laughs about the statue’s destruction. “Now do you understand why we forbid likenesses of the prophet?”

But if Zeus was offended by the exaggerated proportions of the Monroe, Ohio Jesus, how does one explain the continued existence of the Christ the Redeemer statue standing atop Brazil’s Mount Corcovado, which overlooks Rio de Janeiro? At 130 feet high, it would have towered over the Ohio figure if the two were placed side by side.

Most theologians speculate the king of the gods, like all heterosexual men, has a fondness for Brazilian women, often appearing as a cloud of mist or falling star to seduce them.

“Destroying iconic statues with lightning bolts is not seen as conducive to romance,” says Johnny Acropolis, a pagan priest. “Once the mood has been wrecked, not even a god can get a woman to change her mind.”

Others believe the Rio Jesus bears an uncanny resemblance to Zeus’ favorite cousin, Roger, and, for that reason, he is loath to deliver iconoclastic justice.

What does the god himself say?

“Eh, I figured you were all sick of hearing about the oil spill and needed a laugh.”