Two black men spotted at White House in possible break-in

By Eric J Baker

This image from a grainy security video shows the alleged burglar

WASHINGTON DC – Two unidentified African-American men were spotted on White House grounds yesterday during a poetry and spoken-word event hosted by first lady Michelle Obama. One of the intruders was described as tall and thin, with short hair and good posture, and wearing an expensive suit. The other was said to be handsome, in a bohemian rapper/poet sort of way, and both appeared to be between 40 and 50 years old.

 DC law enforcement officials are treating the incident as an attempted burglary.

The presence of the men seemed to go unnoticed until a tipster phoned local police. Authorities have not released the name of the good samaritan, but insiders speaking on condition of anonymity identify him as S. Hannity of F. News. A review of local phone directories did not turn up additional information about the caller.

White House officials would not confirm the break-in attempt and say that nothing appears to have been stolen. Video footage of the poetry event shows the suit-wearing burglar being trailed by secret service agents, who likely prevented the theft of government property.

Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, speaking at a nearby conference for women married to former secessionists, praised the actions of police and White House security.

“Thanks to the swift actions of law enforcement officers,” said Palin, “the icky people were chased away.”

Anyone with tips on the whereabouts of the alleged criminals should call 1-800-Welcome to the 21^st Century.

 

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The Anvil wishes to apologize for today’s clear left-wing media bias disguised as satire. It will probably happen again.

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Bin Laden family suing Donald Trump

 

The unhappy customer

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – Donald Trump, real estate magnate and possible candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012, is being sued by Osama Bin Laden’s relatives for breach of contract, according to court papers filed today in Islamabad, Pakistan. Bin Laden was recently killed while living at a secret lair built by Trump’s company, Luxury Lairs, Inc.

In a statement released to the press, lawyers for Bin Laden’s family said, “Mr. Bin Laden was led to believe it was a secret lair, yet it was neither hidden inside a mountain nor disguised as a half-sunken ship or a huge magical mushroom. It was an ugly white building that any passerby could plainly see. That fact cost Mr. Bin Laden his life.”  

The Bin Ladens’ lawyers also claim the lair came with a 15-year “no infiltration” money-back guarantee – which is standard in the secret lair industry – and are seeking punitive damages.

Long considered to be world’s number one terrorist, Trump denies having promised anyone it was secret lair.

“It’s a compound,” Trump told The Anvil via telephone today. “I told them it was a compound. These people are clearly ignorant jerks who don’t know what a compound looks like. They’re stupid, ignorant people.”

Trump also said, “Show me where the words, ‘secret lair’ appear in the contract. I’m waiting.”

When told of Trump’s comments, Bin Laden’s niece, Trixie Bin Laden, said, “It’s not even a compound. It’s, like, a building. Compounds have control rooms in the basement with giant screens and computers. If this place was a compound, then CVS is a compound and so is Taco Bell.”

To get a better understanding of the legal distinction between a compound and a secret lair, we spoke with Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on legal distinctions.

“Technically speaking, a secret lair must be inhabited by someone evil,” says Bollocks. “A compound merely has to have a security fence.”

But how does one decide who is evil?

Bollocks explains, “Osama Bin Laden is a jolly good example, don’t you think?”

A copy of Bin Laden’s bill of sale obtained by The Anvil seems to support Trump’s assertion. The words “secret lair” do not appear anywhere in the contract, though neither does the phrase Narcissistic Personality Disorder, despite the compound’s assets including five 20-foot-tall bronze statues of Trump as well as 18 oil paintings bearing his likeness.

The controversy over the Bin Laden family’s lawsuit is only the latest scandal to hit Trump. Just last week, it was pointed out that he is beginning to resemble your 66-year-old Aunt Gerta from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has never had sexual intercourse and makes her own hand-cranked sausage.

      

When asked how Trump’s business ties to Osama Bin Laden may affect his chances of being elected president in 2012, Sir Edmund Bollocks, who is also an expert on pitiful candidate pools, said, “How do one’s chances dip below the zero-percent threshold at which they already resided?”

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Dearest Anvil readers, this message will change your life: Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, in which I put the topic of shirtless, gay male models to rest for good! There’s also some lovely philosophical stuff and, at no extra charge, a repulsive horse head. Only at PFC!

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Today’s image supplied by Hanson Anderson at Weird Dude Blog 

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Osama Bin Laden’s Dog Killed by K-9 Specials Ops Soldiers

Fido Bin Laden 2000-2011

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – U.S. forces scored a second major victory in the war on terror today when K-9 Special Operations forces killed Osama Bin Laden’s dog, Fido, at a secret compound in the mountains of Pakistan. Fido Bin Laden was thought to be Al Qaeda’s second in command after Bin Laden himself, who was killed Sunday in a separate military operation.

In the daring daytime raid on the heavily fortified kennel, K-9 soldiers lured Fido’s bodyguards outside with dog biscuits and tennis balls. With the bodyguards caught fetching, the soldiers stormed the compound and shot Fido in the head during a brief firefight.

Bin Laden’s hamster was also killed.

President Obama broke the news to Americans in a special announcement from the White House this afternoon, which was broadcast live on all the major networks and cable news channels.

“This morning at approximately 7:30 local time, American forces took another step toward closing Al Qaeda’s chapter in history. Fido Bin Laden and his owner, Osama, the twisted twins on the totem pole of terror, are dead,” the President said. “The pooch has been screwed.”

Also present at the press conference was Brigadier General Rin Tin Tin, who authorized the raid.

“Operation Bag Doggie went off without a hitch,” General Tin told members of the White House Press Corps. “We should all be proud of our canine team and what they accomplished today. The bad guys were killed with minimal collateral damage. That’s some accurate shooting. Hell, our boys don’t even have opposable thumbs!”

K-9 Special Ops is a little-known, all-dog branch of the Navy Seals that carries out covert raids involving animals. They were the team responsible for capturing international crime lord Muttley in Morocco in 2002. Muttley died in the Guantanamo Bay detention center in 2004 before he could be brought to trial.

As news of Fido’s death spreads, Americans are taking to the streets in celebration, catching Frisbees in their teeth and humping each other all across the nation.

Pinky Middleton, 38-year-old pet shop owner in Sacramento, California says he plans to have a half-price sale on dog accessories this coming Saturday from 1 to 5 p.m. “I’m calling it, ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ Or maybe, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven… but one.’”

Fido Bin Laden first made headlines in July of 2005 for a failed attack on then President George W. Bush, who was in Germany at the time for an economic summit. Fido managed to breach security provided by local police but was stopped by Secret Service agents. No one was injured, but Fido was able to urinate on an agent’s pant leg before escaping, which cost taxpayers over seven dollars in dry-cleaning bills.

At the time, President Bush was quoted as shouting to his fleeing assailant, “Try that in Texas, you Benji-looking son of a bastard!”

With the deaths of both Bin Ladens this week, the FBI has two vacancies on its Ten Most Wanted List. Interested terrorists can apply by calling 555-FBI LIST.

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Today’s image provided by Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog (not for the easily offended). Thanks, Hanson!

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Kate gets a quick start on the beheadings

 

The honeymoon is over

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LONDON – Now that Kate Middleton is officially known as the Duchess of Cambridge, she is using her new-found royal clout to, in the words of a Buckingham Palace spokesperson, “make corrections” to the British aristocracy. Early reports put the death toll at 30.

Among the dead are said to be Sir Percival Pantywaist, Earl of  Priss, and Lady Rowena Candleholder, Queen Elizabeth’s personal physician and supplier of virgin blood. Palace insiders say Middleton has carried out several of the beheadings herself, earning the nicknames ‘Killer Kate’ and ‘The Duchess of Death’ from members of the serving staff.

“I sawr it me-self, I did,” said a palace chimney sweep  who would only identify himself as Bert. “She cut ‘is ‘ead off clean wif an ax. All crazy-like in the eyes when she did it, too.”

In an statement released to the press, solicitors representing the royal couple said, “Rumours that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is directly involved in any of this weekend’s unexplained disappearing-head incidents are categorically false. Furthermore, the mysterious deaths of the girl who stole the Duchess’s then boyfriend Nigel during A-levels and of the other girl who stole the Duchess’s crayons in primary school have nothing whatsoever to do with the Duchess, Prince William, or that old bat who won’t die, the Queen.”

The killings appear to have aroused the suspicions of Scotland Yard, enough so that police inspectors reportedly questioned Middleton. Despite the presence of the victims’ blood on her royal ax and “ax-swinging blisters” on her hands, police say the Duchess is not a suspect.

Still, Chief Inspector Archibald Battle told reporters today, “We won’t tolerate any Mary, Queen of Scots nonsense. Or was it Mary Tudor? Whichever one was the ‘Bloody Mary’ one, we won’t tolerate any of that. No ‘Bloody Kates,’ in other words.”

The beheadings are just the latest controversy to dog Prince William and his new wife. British “birthers” have long claimed that Prince William and Prince Harry are imposters who killed the real William and Harry as adolescents and hid their bodies in the Tower of London. This despite Prince Charles, the boys’ father, confirming that the ones appearing on television all the time are indeed his children.

Although he has presented the results of a DNA test that proves he is the real William, the Prince continues to be called a “usurper” in some circles. He has also released dental records that show the skeletons found in the Tower belong to two peasant boys named Tiny Tim and Oliver Twist, who disappeared over a hundred and fifty years ago, and not to him and his brother.

Said Prince William in a television interview last week, “I’ll let you take an x-ray that confirms I still have my skeleton, if that helps.”

Most critics who associate themselves with the birther movement remain unconvinced.

According to Oxford University professor and expert on deluded people who refuse to change idiotic opinions even in the face on incontrovertible proof to the contrary, Sir Edmund Bollocks, these birthers “are a bunch of bleeding wankers.”

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Hey Anvil readers… Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure film Creative, in which I manage to be a sexist pig who objectifies women AND come across as homosexual at the same time. Quite a feat!

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Today’s image supplied by Sandra Tarsitano

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