THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘media bias’

Two black men spotted at White House in possible break-in

Posted by oldancestor on May 12, 2011

By Eric J Baker

This image from a grainy security video shows the alleged burglar

WASHINGTON DC – Two unidentified African-American men were spotted on White House grounds yesterday during a poetry and spoken-word event hosted by first lady Michelle Obama. One of the intruders was described as tall and thin, with short hair and good posture, and wearing an expensive suit. The other was said to be handsome, in a bohemian rapper/poet sort of way, and both appeared to be between 40 and 50 years old.

 DC law enforcement officials are treating the incident as an attempted burglary.

The presence of the men seemed to go unnoticed until a tipster phoned local police. Authorities have not released the name of the good samaritan, but insiders speaking on condition of anonymity identify him as S. Hannity of F. News. A review of local phone directories did not turn up additional information about the caller.

White House officials would not confirm the break-in attempt and say that nothing appears to have been stolen. Video footage of the poetry event shows the suit-wearing burglar being trailed by secret service agents, who likely prevented the theft of government property.

Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, speaking at a nearby conference for women married to former secessionists, praised the actions of police and White House security.

“Thanks to the swift actions of law enforcement officers,” said Palin, “the icky people were chased away.”

Anyone with tips on the whereabouts of the alleged criminals should call 1-800-Welcome to the 21st Century.

 

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The Anvil wishes to apologize for today’s clear left-wing media bias disguised as satire. It will probably happen again.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

Study shows Fake News journals depend too heavily on Zombie-themed articles

Posted by oldancestor on August 1, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Angry Pink Bunny, writer of the militant fake news journal, The Avocado

PRINCETON, NJ – A study published this week by Princeton University claims that a disproportionate number of fake news stories feature zombies, relative to the frequency with which actual zombie incidents appear in the news. According to researchers involved in the study, such a disparity could have dangerous consequences.

“Gullible people might read all these stories and start thinking the threat of a zombie apocalypse is very high, when, in fact, its probability is only around 20 percent,” says the university’s Media Studies professor, Herbert West. “If we, as the left-wing, east-coast elite, have one responsibility, it’s to protect the stupid from themselves. We believe in natural selection in theory, but not in practice.”

Purveyors of fake news are quick to refute West’s accusation.

“Stupid people don’t read fake news articles,” says Old Ancestor, 4023, editor of the fake news journal The Anvil. “They don’t understand the concept in the first place. Anyway, if some addle-brained stooge decides to build a zombie fortress in his back yard because of us, so what? It stimulates the economy.”

Another fake news periodical, The Avocado, known for its rather lurid headlines, has gone so far as to publish a scathing, though (possibly) fake, response this week entitled, “Princeton Professor Films Bestiality Porn in his Basement!”

Calls to The Avocado’s imaginary office seeking comment were not answered.

Head writer for The Anvil, Eric J Baker, takes a pragmatic view.

“You invent news stories that people read. A zombie story gets four or five times the number of Internet views that a story about Congress or the Supreme Court gets,” he says.

Not all fake news writers are pleased with the current zombie fad, though. Baker’s fellow Anvil scribe, Lacy Thundercake, will be more than happy the next time a giant Jesus statue burns down or some other inherently funny event takes place.

“It’s frustrating,” says Thundercake, 32, the journal’s entertainment reporter. “If it weren’t for Lindsay Lohan, I’d never get a byline. Why can’t Britney Spears murder Paris Hilton or something?”

Thundercake, who doesn’t exist, says zombies suck.

That’s just the kind of attitude that has real-life zombie Francisco Conquistador angry. The Spaniard, who became zombified in the Caribbean over 400 years ago, believes film, comic book, and fake news treatment of zombies has created a grossly distorted image with the public.

“Zombies are not rotting, flesh-eating monsters returned from the grave,” he explains. “That’s just stupid. We’re the undead victims of a voodoo spell.”

Conquistador, who, save for a trance-like stare, appears human, insists he has no desire to kill anyone and that there are hardly enough voodoo practitioners left in the world to bring about any kind of apocalypse.

“Fake news stories about zombies just aren’t funny,” he says.

While that view is open to debate, he has precedent on his side. In a little-known Supreme Court case from 1954, Fake news v. People who think it’s stupid, the court ruled that fake news can be funny when it’s topical, but when current events don’t lend themselves to humorous interpretation or satire, fake news becomes stupid.

Anvil editor Old Ancestor isn’t interested in real zombies or the Supreme Court.

“How does the Supreme Court know what’s funny?” he asks. “If you can find nine people on this planet who are more humor-deficient than those guys, let me know.”

Ancestor also questions the validity of the so-called legitimate news media. “How do we know what they say is true? Reality is not a concrete thing. It’s changeable. How do you know what’s around you is real? How does the person reading this article know he or she is real? Maybe there’s another universe where all this zombie stuff really happens and they write fake news articles about the real stuff that happens here.”

In response to Ancestor’s words, The Anvil’s head writer Baker said, “This is why we don’t let editors write. They say stupid sh*t.”

NEXT WEEK: Existentialism in fake news… Too esoteric? 

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Media Bias is invisible, but it’s real (because I can smell it)

Posted by oldancestor on June 7, 2010

Yes, it has a weird smell, just like my Uncle Moe. Not stinky, per se, just weird.

 

An Editorial by  Lennie

 

A hidden menace invading your home: Water!

A famous expression goes, “The news media don’t just tell you what to think, they tell you what to think while you’re driving.”

Well, I’m about to use the news media’s favorite tool against them, because I was driving yesterday and I started thinking about media bias. It happened when I was passing a store with a sign out front that said, “Buy 2, get 1 free.” I was going too fast to see what the item was, but I still thought, Hey, that’s a good deal.

But when I got home and turned on the TV, did I see any news coverage of it? No. It was day 40-whatever of talking about the oil spill in the Persian Gulf. DAY 40 WHATEVER! How long are we going to talk about something that happened such a long time ago? I’m beginning to think the news media aren’t fixing the leak just so they can keep talking about it. And maybe because they rented the underwater cameras for six months and want to get their money’s worth.

Eventually the news channel switched to a story about North Korea sinking a South Korean warship with a torpedo. I remember thinking, Hey, you never hear about North Dakota sinking a warship from South Dakota with a torpedo. Those folks from the Dakotas sure know how to get along, I said. Good for them.

Next story was about some Israeli pirates stealing a Turkish ship or something.

And that’s when it hit me. It hit me so hard I almost pooped my pants (which might make me smell a little more like Uncle Moe, if you know what I mean). I realized it’s all part of a vast conspiracy, the sudden knowledge of which flooded my thoughts like a tsunami of awareness: The news media only cover stories that happen on the water! Oils spills. Ships sinking. Pirates. It’s all right in front of you, folks.

Think about it. Water, like media bias, is invisible, except when it has things floating in it, like oil blobs, for example. Water tastes like nothing, looks like nothing, and goes unnoticed most of the time. It’s even in your body, like a massive parasite that takes up 70 percent of the space your body gets to displace, forcing the rest of you into a cramped 30 percent area.

Media bias IS water!

I’m not sure if that’s a metaphor or a simile, but it means media bias is everywhere, unnoticed yet pervasive. Why, even the phrase “mainstream media” has “stream” in it.

Streams are made of water, in case you didn’t get that connection.

For this reason I have decided to follow Uncle Moe’s example and stop bathing. That might explain his weird smell, now that I think about it. Kind of like cigar breath mixed with burnt plastic and the foot odor of an old blues guitarist.

America, you can count on me to report the truth. I’ll be patrolling the borders of North and South Dakota to record every ship sinking the mainstream media refuses to tell you about. That is… if the conspirators don’t get to me first. [No such luck – Ed.]

Facts about Media Bias:

  • “The News Media” is plural, making it sound weird in a sentence.
  • The singular of “media” is either “medium” or “median” (your choice), both of which have something to do with average or being in the middle. Considering how biased the news media are, maybe we should come up with a different word. Like “lying scum” for example.
  • You can tell someone is giving you the straight dope when she calls the mainstream media something funny like “lame-stream” media, or when she refuses to answer questions posed by a media attack dog like Katie Couric, even if they’re questions a baby can handle.

 

About the writer: Lennie is the only person in history to fail a Rorschach test, and he thinks you can’t see him when his eyes are closed.

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