Door hit Kim Jong Il’s ass on the way out, despite warnings

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kim Jong Il in happier times, when he was less dead.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – 2011 was already shaping up to be the worst year on record for evil scumbags when it was learned yesterday that the asses of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Libyan fashionista Moammar Gadhafi, and North Korean hair model Kim Jong Il were all struck by the door on the way out. This despite repeated warnings from colloquial English speakers not to let it happen.

Discovery of the ass-hitting provided small consolation for those who believe the three men, all of whom died this year, did not suffer enough in passing.

“I’d like to have seen them dipped in honey and covered in fire ants, and then I would have watched as the ants slowly ate away at their flesh over several days, only to have someone come along and rub salt into their open wounds. But not enough to kill them, just enough to make them get all screamed out before someone else came along and ripped their finger nails off with pliers and then took a hammer and chisel to their teeth right before pouring boiling oil all over them and then, once they cooled off, sending in some baboons to rape them in the ears and eye sockets for fifteen hours,” said the Dalai Lama, a noted pacifist. “But I’ll take the ass smacking.”

Not everyone was so happy to hear the news.

“Evil took at hit in 2011, no doubt,” laments Pinky Middleton, owner of In Yo Face, Ltd., a company that sells novelty shooting targets featuring the likenesses of international villains. “I’m sitting a pile of inventory depicting people no one wants to pretend shoot anymore. Ah, well. Maybe Celine Dion will put out an album this year.”

The ass-hitting incident was discovered by NASA’s newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. It can also take soil samples.

In related but less-important news, NASA scientists discovered the meaning of life, the origin of the universe, and whether God exists yesterday using their newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. Details are available on The Anvil Pro Edition, available now for a low introductory subscription rate of $39.99 per month.*

 

 

*put the money inside a stuffed giraffe and leave it behind the cardboard recycling dumpster across the parking lot from my apartment tonight. Don’t let anyone see you, especially NASA, though that’s a fruitless endeavor these days, isn’t it?

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Bin Laden family suing Donald Trump

 

The unhappy customer

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – Donald Trump, real estate magnate and possible candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012, is being sued by Osama Bin Laden’s relatives for breach of contract, according to court papers filed today in Islamabad, Pakistan. Bin Laden was recently killed while living at a secret lair built by Trump’s company, Luxury Lairs, Inc.

In a statement released to the press, lawyers for Bin Laden’s family said, “Mr. Bin Laden was led to believe it was a secret lair, yet it was neither hidden inside a mountain nor disguised as a half-sunken ship or a huge magical mushroom. It was an ugly white building that any passerby could plainly see. That fact cost Mr. Bin Laden his life.”  

The Bin Ladens’ lawyers also claim the lair came with a 15-year “no infiltration” money-back guarantee – which is standard in the secret lair industry – and are seeking punitive damages.

Long considered to be world’s number one terrorist, Trump denies having promised anyone it was secret lair.

“It’s a compound,” Trump told The Anvil via telephone today. “I told them it was a compound. These people are clearly ignorant jerks who don’t know what a compound looks like. They’re stupid, ignorant people.”

Trump also said, “Show me where the words, ‘secret lair’ appear in the contract. I’m waiting.”

When told of Trump’s comments, Bin Laden’s niece, Trixie Bin Laden, said, “It’s not even a compound. It’s, like, a building. Compounds have control rooms in the basement with giant screens and computers. If this place was a compound, then CVS is a compound and so is Taco Bell.”

To get a better understanding of the legal distinction between a compound and a secret lair, we spoke with Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on legal distinctions.

“Technically speaking, a secret lair must be inhabited by someone evil,” says Bollocks. “A compound merely has to have a security fence.”

But how does one decide who is evil?

Bollocks explains, “Osama Bin Laden is a jolly good example, don’t you think?”

A copy of Bin Laden’s bill of sale obtained by The Anvil seems to support Trump’s assertion. The words “secret lair” do not appear anywhere in the contract, though neither does the phrase Narcissistic Personality Disorder, despite the compound’s assets including five 20-foot-tall bronze statues of Trump as well as 18 oil paintings bearing his likeness.

The controversy over the Bin Laden family’s lawsuit is only the latest scandal to hit Trump. Just last week, it was pointed out that he is beginning to resemble your 66-year-old Aunt Gerta from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has never had sexual intercourse and makes her own hand-cranked sausage.

      

When asked how Trump’s business ties to Osama Bin Laden may affect his chances of being elected president in 2012, Sir Edmund Bollocks, who is also an expert on pitiful candidate pools, said, “How do one’s chances dip below the zero-percent threshold at which they already resided?”

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Dearest Anvil readers, this message will change your life: Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, in which I put the topic of shirtless, gay male models to rest for good! There’s also some lovely philosophical stuff and, at no extra charge, a repulsive horse head. Only at PFC!

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Today’s image supplied by Hanson Anderson at Weird Dude Blog 

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Osama Bin Laden’s Dog Killed by K-9 Specials Ops Soldiers

Fido Bin Laden 2000-2011

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – U.S. forces scored a second major victory in the war on terror today when K-9 Special Operations forces killed Osama Bin Laden’s dog, Fido, at a secret compound in the mountains of Pakistan. Fido Bin Laden was thought to be Al Qaeda’s second in command after Bin Laden himself, who was killed Sunday in a separate military operation.

In the daring daytime raid on the heavily fortified kennel, K-9 soldiers lured Fido’s bodyguards outside with dog biscuits and tennis balls. With the bodyguards caught fetching, the soldiers stormed the compound and shot Fido in the head during a brief firefight.

Bin Laden’s hamster was also killed.

President Obama broke the news to Americans in a special announcement from the White House this afternoon, which was broadcast live on all the major networks and cable news channels.

“This morning at approximately 7:30 local time, American forces took another step toward closing Al Qaeda’s chapter in history. Fido Bin Laden and his owner, Osama, the twisted twins on the totem pole of terror, are dead,” the President said. “The pooch has been screwed.”

Also present at the press conference was Brigadier General Rin Tin Tin, who authorized the raid.

“Operation Bag Doggie went off without a hitch,” General Tin told members of the White House Press Corps. “We should all be proud of our canine team and what they accomplished today. The bad guys were killed with minimal collateral damage. That’s some accurate shooting. Hell, our boys don’t even have opposable thumbs!”

K-9 Special Ops is a little-known, all-dog branch of the Navy Seals that carries out covert raids involving animals. They were the team responsible for capturing international crime lord Muttley in Morocco in 2002. Muttley died in the Guantanamo Bay detention center in 2004 before he could be brought to trial.

As news of Fido’s death spreads, Americans are taking to the streets in celebration, catching Frisbees in their teeth and humping each other all across the nation.

Pinky Middleton, 38-year-old pet shop owner in Sacramento, California says he plans to have a half-price sale on dog accessories this coming Saturday from 1 to 5 p.m. “I’m calling it, ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ Or maybe, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven… but one.’”

Fido Bin Laden first made headlines in July of 2005 for a failed attack on then President George W. Bush, who was in Germany at the time for an economic summit. Fido managed to breach security provided by local police but was stopped by Secret Service agents. No one was injured, but Fido was able to urinate on an agent’s pant leg before escaping, which cost taxpayers over seven dollars in dry-cleaning bills.

At the time, President Bush was quoted as shouting to his fleeing assailant, “Try that in Texas, you Benji-looking son of a bastard!”

With the deaths of both Bin Ladens this week, the FBI has two vacancies on its Ten Most Wanted List. Interested terrorists can apply by calling 555-FBI LIST.

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Today’s image provided by Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog (not for the easily offended). Thanks, Hanson!

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New Osama Bin Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy

By Eric J Baker

Bin Laden's new video, Buns of Hatred

PAKISTAN – In a new Al Qaeda video released this weekend, Osama Bin Laden delivered a message to the world: Less cardio and more strength training is the way to go.

“You’ll lose weight from strength training, believe me,” the terrorist mastermind said on the tape, just before leading a 30-minute exercise segment featuring the use of resistance bands and kick boxing with ankle weights.

Bin Laden’s views on a low-carb, high-protein diet are unchanged from previous videos.

Unfortunately for Al Qaeda, the workout tape is only available in VHS format, a factor which is likely to limit sales. In recent years, buyers of home video products have abandoned videotapes in favor of the superior picture and sound offered by DVD and Blu-ray disks. Exercise programs are even available “on demand” from cable companies or streamed via the Internet.

“These guys are so out of touch,” said Diane Getyerfreakon, spokesperson for Netflix, a popular rent-by-mail service. “It’s like they’ve been living in a cave for the past ten years.”

[Update: As this article went to press, it was learned that Ms. Getyerfreakon thought we were discussing the recent bankruptcy of Blockbuster Video, Inc. – Ed.]

When asked to respond to Getyerfreakon’s comments, an unnamed representative for Bin Laden said, “INFIDELS! YOU WILL DIE THE TEN THOUSAND FLAMING DEATHS OF HELL, AND YOUR CHILDREN’S EYE SOCKETS WILL BE RAPED BY GOATS!”

He went on to say, “Hey, man, VHS is making a comeback. Remember when the Great Satan tried so hard to make vinyl go away? Well, you can still buy a turntable. Am I wrong? I didn’t think so.”

No phone listing was found for anyone named Great Satan, but The Anvil was able to contact Evil Bastard, CEO of [classified], the shadowy conglomerate that secretly owns the home-entertainment and consumer-electronics industries, and ask him what he thought of Al Qaeda’s claim.

“The return of VHS, eh? Pretty laughable,” he said. “Those clowns can’t even hold a camcorder without shaking the sh*t out of it, so what do they know?”

Bastard added, “Still, if I want VHS to make a comeback, it will. I decide what people want and don’t want. If I say, ‘type the next paragraph in donkey language,’ you will.”

He-haw. He-haw he-haw he-haw, “He-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw.” He-haw he-haw he-haw heeeee-haaaaaw.

Al Qaeda’s once-popular fitness videos first gained attention from consumers around nine years ago with the release of the 20-minute Monkey Bar Workout, which involves swinging across a set of monkey bars in billowy cotton robes with a rifle slung across the shoulder, then running to the back of the line and doing it again. For a while, the terror organization marketed a clothing line modeled on the robes, which advertisements promised would, “wick away sweat while encouraging ventilation.”

Competition is fiercer for Al Qaeda these days. In addition to the array of home-video formats to contend with, other organizations have started producing workout videos, flooding a market that often gravitates toward the new and different.

Afghanistan’s Taliban group has already released three volumes in its popular Tali-Bo series, and Al-Qaeda-in-Iraq’s Low-Impact Insurgency has sold well. But perhaps the greatest threat to Bin Laden’s fitness video business comes from the CIA’s Predator Drone workout DVD entitled, One-second Weight Loss.

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