THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Donald Trump’

Bin Laden family suing Donald Trump

Posted by oldancestor on May 8, 2011

 
The unhappy customer

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – Donald Trump, real estate magnate and possible candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012, is being sued by Osama Bin Laden’s relatives for breach of contract, according to court papers filed today in Islamabad, Pakistan. Bin Laden was recently killed while living at a secret lair built by Trump’s company, Luxury Lairs, Inc.

In a statement released to the press, lawyers for Bin Laden’s family said, “Mr. Bin Laden was led to believe it was a secret lair, yet it was neither hidden inside a mountain nor disguised as a half-sunken ship or a huge magical mushroom. It was an ugly white building that any passerby could plainly see. That fact cost Mr. Bin Laden his life.”  

The Bin Ladens’ lawyers also claim the lair came with a 15-year “no infiltration” money-back guarantee – which is standard in the secret lair industry – and are seeking punitive damages.

Long considered to be world’s number one terrorist, Trump denies having promised anyone it was secret lair.

“It’s a compound,” Trump told The Anvil via telephone today. “I told them it was a compound. These people are clearly ignorant jerks who don’t know what a compound looks like. They’re stupid, ignorant people.”

Trump also said, “Show me where the words, ‘secret lair’ appear in the contract. I’m waiting.”

When told of Trump’s comments, Bin Laden’s niece, Trixie Bin Laden, said, “It’s not even a compound. It’s, like, a building. Compounds have control rooms in the basement with giant screens and computers. If this place was a compound, then CVS is a compound and so is Taco Bell.”

To get a better understanding of the legal distinction between a compound and a secret lair, we spoke with Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on legal distinctions.

“Technically speaking, a secret lair must be inhabited by someone evil,” says Bollocks. “A compound merely has to have a security fence.”

But how does one decide who is evil?

Bollocks explains, “Osama Bin Laden is a jolly good example, don’t you think?”

A copy of Bin Laden’s bill of sale obtained by The Anvil seems to support Trump’s assertion. The words “secret lair” do not appear anywhere in the contract, though neither does the phrase Narcissistic Personality Disorder, despite the compound’s assets including five 20-foot-tall bronze statues of Trump as well as 18 oil paintings bearing his likeness.

The controversy over the Bin Laden family’s lawsuit is only the latest scandal to hit Trump. Just last week, it was pointed out that he is beginning to resemble your 66-year-old Aunt Gerta from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has never had sexual intercourse and makes her own hand-cranked sausage.

      

When asked how Trump’s business ties to Osama Bin Laden may affect his chances of being elected president in 2012, Sir Edmund Bollocks, who is also an expert on pitiful candidate pools, said, “How do one’s chances dip below the zero-percent threshold at which they already resided?”

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Today’s image supplied by Hanson Anderson at Weird Dude Blog 

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Posted in Business | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Superman: “All this power, and I couldn’t do Lois’ taxes.”

Posted by oldancestor on April 13, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Superman finally defeated... by the IRS! (© 2011 Mark Armstrong)

METROPOLIS – It took the U.S. tax code to do what kryptonite never could: Defeat the Man of Steel.

An anguished Superman admitted to reporters yesterday that, despite his extensive powers, he was unable to complete girlfriend Lois Lane’s 2010 tax return. “She runs a small business in another state, inherited money from overseas, collects rent from a sublet, and did some freelance writing last year,” he said. “No amount of spinning the Earth backward can undo that tax train wreck.”

Superman’s former nemesis, Lex Luthor, now a Washington D.C. lobbyist who advises members of both major parties on how to make life more miserable for ordinary citizens, said of the crime fighter’s predicament, “Muhahahahahahahahahaha!”

Lane got into her own embarrassing predicament last night when she was pulled over and arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated, allegedly telling the arresting officer, “Everybody lies on their tax return. Except for Mr. Perfect. He’s just got to report every [expletive deleted] penny. Candy [expletive deleted]!”

She also reportedly said, “He ain’t no man of steel either, if you know what I mean. Whoever said he’s faster than a speeding bullet must have been an ex-girlfriend.”

Indeed, it’s been a difficult several months for the superhero, who has struggled to get his political career untracked. Despite calling himself  the “tough on crime” candidate, he came in a distant third in Metropolis’s City Council election last November. Political analysts say voters were turned off when photos surfaced showing Superman wearing blue tights with red underwear on the outside. The images quickly went viral.

He’s also been dogged by accusations he was not actually born on the planet Krypton. Ultraconservative millionaire Bruce Wayne has led the charge, making frequent public demands that Superman release a copy of his Krypton birth certificate.

Wayne, who also hosts the reality show Superhero Apprentice, is a media whore who will say anything to get publicity, no matter how stupid it makes him look, as long as someone will put him on TV when he says it, so much so that he does not even know or care that his bizarre hairstyle makes him look like a repugnant, freakish buffoon, according to Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.

“He wants proof Superman was born on Krypton,” says Kent. “Well, by golly, I want proof his parents weren’t featured extras in the movie Deliverance.”

The man of steel isn’t the only superhero having trouble making sense of America’s tax code before the April 18th filing deadline. Physicist Bruce Banner, who becomes the Incredible Hulk when angered, twice changed into the oversized green monster this week when he discovered the Internal Revenue Service would not let him claim more than three pairs of purple pants as a business expense.

When contacted by The Anvil, a spokesperson for the IRS said, “Who does he think he is, Prince?”

Yesterday, an extra-angry Hulk punched his way through the wall at IRS headquarters in Washington DC and began cramming tax forms down the throats of agency staffers. President Obama quickly arrived in a superhero uniform and put a stop to the mayhem by promising the Hulk a quick resolution to his tax problems.

“We’ve learned from dealing with Wall Street bankers that the best way to address appalling behavior is to coddle and give the perpetrator whatever he wants,” the President later told reporters at a White House press conference.

The Hulk, standing beside President Obama, added, “HULK SMASH PUNY HUMAN!”

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The Anvil gives a very special thanks to illustrator Mark Armstrong for providing today’s image. Be sure to visit Mark’s Web site to see more of his great artwork.

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments »