THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘White House’

Two black men spotted at White House in possible break-in

Posted by oldancestor on May 12, 2011

By Eric J Baker

This image from a grainy security video shows the alleged burglar

WASHINGTON DC – Two unidentified African-American men were spotted on White House grounds yesterday during a poetry and spoken-word event hosted by first lady Michelle Obama. One of the intruders was described as tall and thin, with short hair and good posture, and wearing an expensive suit. The other was said to be handsome, in a bohemian rapper/poet sort of way, and both appeared to be between 40 and 50 years old.

 DC law enforcement officials are treating the incident as an attempted burglary.

The presence of the men seemed to go unnoticed until a tipster phoned local police. Authorities have not released the name of the good samaritan, but insiders speaking on condition of anonymity identify him as S. Hannity of F. News. A review of local phone directories did not turn up additional information about the caller.

White House officials would not confirm the break-in attempt and say that nothing appears to have been stolen. Video footage of the poetry event shows the suit-wearing burglar being trailed by secret service agents, who likely prevented the theft of government property.

Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, speaking at a nearby conference for women married to former secessionists, praised the actions of police and White House security.

“Thanks to the swift actions of law enforcement officers,” said Palin, “the icky people were chased away.”

Anyone with tips on the whereabouts of the alleged criminals should call 1-800-Welcome to the 21st Century.

 

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The Anvil wishes to apologize for today’s clear left-wing media bias disguised as satire. It will probably happen again.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

FLYING SAUCER LANDS ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN!

Posted by oldancestor on July 22, 2010

NASA chief says, “It’s not my problem.”

 

By Eric J Baker

Space Aliens from the planet Neptune

WASHINGTON DC – A major security breach occurred at the White House yesterday when a Tea Party member taking part in a demonstration removed a saucer from under his tea cup and tossed it, Frisbee style, over the wrought iron fence surrounding the presidential residence. The ceramic disk landed harmlessly in the grass about 20 feet from the gate.

Secret Service agents quickly surrounded the protestor, identified as Pinky Middleton, 28, of Burlington, Vermont, and took him into custody. He was released a few hours later without being charged.

“This is exactly the kind of socialist response we’ve come to expect from the Obama administration,” Middleton said through his lawyer today. “The guy hires a bunch of security thugs to watch his house, and we have to foot the bill. Who does he think he is, Snoop Dogg?”

Some observers in the crowd were stunned by what they saw.

“I never thought I’d see the day that a flying saucer landed on the White House lawn. Do you realize this profoundly changes everything we’ve ever believed?” asked Shko!!!!!!pklt, one of several space aliens from the planet Neptune who witnessed the event.

Indeed, a saucer has never landed on the White House lawn, though Vice President Joe Biden did drop a fork there two weeks ago, and in 1993, during the Clinton administration, a homeless man managed to shove a can of Diet Cherry Coke between two vertical fence posts before being shot to death by Secret Service agents.

Yesterday’s security slip-up was another black eye for President Obama’s security team, which had allowed uninvited guests to “crash” a state dinner back in November. Readers may remember that those so-called guests turned out to be a band of ravenous zombies who killed and ate two Senators as well as a diplomat from India.

Transformers director Michael Bay, in town this week to scout locations for his upcoming remake of My Dinner with Andre, to be called MD/A3D, was in the White House at the time of the saucer-throwing incident.

“I’m glad it turned out to be a harmless plate,” he said, “but it’s scary to think of the possibilities. What if it had only looked like a saucer, but was actually a transforming robot that snuck into the White House and… Oooh. Wait a minute. That’s good. That’s real good. You got a pen?”

NASA engineers are currently analyzing the saucer and admit to being perplexed.

“I’m not sure what to make of it,” says Molecular Discombobulation Specialist Roopvani Parkesh. “It’s called a saucer but doesn’t appear to dispense sauce. We even tried using ‘sauce’ as a verb, and still nothing. Why is it called a saucer?”

DC Metro police and the FBI are seeking the matching tea cup, which Mr. Middleton claims to have misplaced, in the hopes that some connection can be found between the two objects.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »