Osama Bin Laden’s Dog Killed by K-9 Specials Ops Soldiers

Fido Bin Laden 2000-2011

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – U.S. forces scored a second major victory in the war on terror today when K-9 Special Operations forces killed Osama Bin Laden’s dog, Fido, at a secret compound in the mountains of Pakistan. Fido Bin Laden was thought to be Al Qaeda’s second in command after Bin Laden himself, who was killed Sunday in a separate military operation.

In the daring daytime raid on the heavily fortified kennel, K-9 soldiers lured Fido’s bodyguards outside with dog biscuits and tennis balls. With the bodyguards caught fetching, the soldiers stormed the compound and shot Fido in the head during a brief firefight.

Bin Laden’s hamster was also killed.

President Obama broke the news to Americans in a special announcement from the White House this afternoon, which was broadcast live on all the major networks and cable news channels.

“This morning at approximately 7:30 local time, American forces took another step toward closing Al Qaeda’s chapter in history. Fido Bin Laden and his owner, Osama, the twisted twins on the totem pole of terror, are dead,” the President said. “The pooch has been screwed.”

Also present at the press conference was Brigadier General Rin Tin Tin, who authorized the raid.

“Operation Bag Doggie went off without a hitch,” General Tin told members of the White House Press Corps. “We should all be proud of our canine team and what they accomplished today. The bad guys were killed with minimal collateral damage. That’s some accurate shooting. Hell, our boys don’t even have opposable thumbs!”

K-9 Special Ops is a little-known, all-dog branch of the Navy Seals that carries out covert raids involving animals. They were the team responsible for capturing international crime lord Muttley in Morocco in 2002. Muttley died in the Guantanamo Bay detention center in 2004 before he could be brought to trial.

As news of Fido’s death spreads, Americans are taking to the streets in celebration, catching Frisbees in their teeth and humping each other all across the nation.

Pinky Middleton, 38-year-old pet shop owner in Sacramento, California says he plans to have a half-price sale on dog accessories this coming Saturday from 1 to 5 p.m. “I’m calling it, ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ Or maybe, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven… but one.’”

Fido Bin Laden first made headlines in July of 2005 for a failed attack on then President George W. Bush, who was in Germany at the time for an economic summit. Fido managed to breach security provided by local police but was stopped by Secret Service agents. No one was injured, but Fido was able to urinate on an agent’s pant leg before escaping, which cost taxpayers over seven dollars in dry-cleaning bills.

At the time, President Bush was quoted as shouting to his fleeing assailant, “Try that in Texas, you Benji-looking son of a bastard!”

With the deaths of both Bin Ladens this week, the FBI has two vacancies on its Ten Most Wanted List. Interested terrorists can apply by calling 555-FBI LIST.

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Today’s image provided by Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog (not for the easily offended). Thanks, Hanson!

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New Osama Bin Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy

By Eric J Baker

Bin Laden's new video, Buns of Hatred

PAKISTAN – In a new Al Qaeda video released this weekend, Osama Bin Laden delivered a message to the world: Less cardio and more strength training is the way to go.

“You’ll lose weight from strength training, believe me,” the terrorist mastermind said on the tape, just before leading a 30-minute exercise segment featuring the use of resistance bands and kick boxing with ankle weights.

Bin Laden’s views on a low-carb, high-protein diet are unchanged from previous videos.

Unfortunately for Al Qaeda, the workout tape is only available in VHS format, a factor which is likely to limit sales. In recent years, buyers of home video products have abandoned videotapes in favor of the superior picture and sound offered by DVD and Blu-ray disks. Exercise programs are even available “on demand” from cable companies or streamed via the Internet.

“These guys are so out of touch,” said Diane Getyerfreakon, spokesperson for Netflix, a popular rent-by-mail service. “It’s like they’ve been living in a cave for the past ten years.”

[Update: As this article went to press, it was learned that Ms. Getyerfreakon thought we were discussing the recent bankruptcy of Blockbuster Video, Inc. – Ed.]

When asked to respond to Getyerfreakon’s comments, an unnamed representative for Bin Laden said, “INFIDELS! YOU WILL DIE THE TEN THOUSAND FLAMING DEATHS OF HELL, AND YOUR CHILDREN’S EYE SOCKETS WILL BE RAPED BY GOATS!”

He went on to say, “Hey, man, VHS is making a comeback. Remember when the Great Satan tried so hard to make vinyl go away? Well, you can still buy a turntable. Am I wrong? I didn’t think so.”

No phone listing was found for anyone named Great Satan, but The Anvil was able to contact Evil Bastard, CEO of [classified], the shadowy conglomerate that secretly owns the home-entertainment and consumer-electronics industries, and ask him what he thought of Al Qaeda’s claim.

“The return of VHS, eh? Pretty laughable,” he said. “Those clowns can’t even hold a camcorder without shaking the sh*t out of it, so what do they know?”

Bastard added, “Still, if I want VHS to make a comeback, it will. I decide what people want and don’t want. If I say, ‘type the next paragraph in donkey language,’ you will.”

He-haw. He-haw he-haw he-haw, “He-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw.” He-haw he-haw he-haw heeeee-haaaaaw.

Al Qaeda’s once-popular fitness videos first gained attention from consumers around nine years ago with the release of the 20-minute Monkey Bar Workout, which involves swinging across a set of monkey bars in billowy cotton robes with a rifle slung across the shoulder, then running to the back of the line and doing it again. For a while, the terror organization marketed a clothing line modeled on the robes, which advertisements promised would, “wick away sweat while encouraging ventilation.”

Competition is fiercer for Al Qaeda these days. In addition to the array of home-video formats to contend with, other organizations have started producing workout videos, flooding a market that often gravitates toward the new and different.

Afghanistan’s Taliban group has already released three volumes in its popular Tali-Bo series, and Al-Qaeda-in-Iraq’s Low-Impact Insurgency has sold well. But perhaps the greatest threat to Bin Laden’s fitness video business comes from the CIA’s Predator Drone workout DVD entitled, One-second Weight Loss.

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WikiLeaks to release internet sex tape featuring President Obama, General McChrystal, and – surprise – Dick Cheney!

This is the only image we can show you from the tape, due to its racy content

By Eric J Baker

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA – International whistleblowing organization WikiLeaks, which recently made headlines by posting top-secret Pentagon papers relating to the war in Afghanistan on its website, is set to raise the stakes again in its often contentious relationship with the US Government by releasing a controversial sex tape to the public.

WikiLeaks founder Helmut Kaiser (who declined to be interviewed for this story) claimed on his organization’s Web site yesterday that the tape, purportedly featuring President Obama, retired General Stanley McChrystal, and former Vice President Dick Cheney in an illicit encounter, will prove that, “the new boss is the same as the old boss.”

The Anvil was able to obtain a copy of the tape, which, upon being viewed, revealed itself to be shaky, grainy, and not the least bit hot. Following one sequence at approximately the 12-minute mark, viewers may be reminded of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident in 2006, when the Vice President fired his weapon into the face of attorney Harry Whittington.

Poor photography aside, the tape raises surprising questions about political relationships, behind-the-scenes war planning, and Brazilian waxing for men.

“I thought Obama was a socialist, despite actions that are a virtually the same as those of George W Bush,” said popular Fox News television personality and conservative Sean Hannity. “This Dick Cheney connection has made me rethink my belief system. Because, you know, I’m a thinker.”

Rival news pundit Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said of the tape’s existence, “Ew.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied last night that it was President Obama on the tape, claiming instead “it’s that guy from the ‘Whoomp, there it is’ video.”

A WikiLeaks employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the uncensored sex tape will be posted online by tomorrow night. The worker also said viewers should watch to the end, despite the stomach-churning images, when it is revealed that General McChrystal was asked to step down as Commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan not for publicly criticizing the Obama administration, as was reported, but because he’s “nothin’ but a playa.”

This, according to the words of Dick Cheney, says the anonymous employee.

WikiLeaks, founded in 2006, professes to stand for public access to information, journalistic integrity, freedom of speech, and the joy of pissing people off. The Anvil has frequently been cited by the organization as the benchmark in fair, unbiased, and open fake news, particularly for our hard-hitting coverage of the Lindsay Lohan saga.

As Wiki’s main man himself, Helmut Kaiser, famously said in 2008, “Everything they say is completely fabricated, but, if it weren’t, it would be the place to go for truth and accuracy in reporting. The Anvil never makes the story about them, like some news journals do, and they don’t allow praise or favoritism to influence their total integrity.”

You should send money to Helmut Kaiser.

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UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.”

Afghanistan now more dangerous than running with scissors

 

By Eric J Baker

 

 

Tribal violence is on the rise in Afghanistan, as evidenced by this gruesome arial photo

 

 

 

NEW YORK – United Nation Secretary General Ban Ki Moon held a press conference yesterday afternoon, telling reporters, “It’s come to our attention recently that violent things have been happening in Afghanistan. After a lengthy investigation, if it’s determined someone is at fault, the UN will issue a severe reprimand.”

The United Nations, a powerful organization made up of diplomats from various nations throughout the world, often wields its might in the form of reprimands, scoldings, and, in extreme cases, tongue lashings when dealing with rogue governments. Threats of all-out lecture have kept rabble-rousing nations like Iran and North Korea in line.

But Afghanistan may prove difficult to wrangle, if history is a guide. The land-locked, resource-poor country, with rock-strewn, sandy terrain not unlike that of Mars, has long been a target of conquest by the foolish and the insane, yet no invader has succeeded in taking control for long.

So what suddenly set off the UN’s Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT? 

One reason for the rise in violence could be the tens of thousands of heavily armed foreign soldiers conducting a war in the country. The brand-new conflict, which began eight years ago, appears to have been ensnared like a lazy, overweight trout in the UN’s broad net of awareness.

“Nothing escapes [the UN’s] attention,” says Corporal Roger Cobb, an infantry soldier with the United States Army on his third tour of duty in Afghanistan. “We’ve been trying to keep this on the down-low.”

Some experts believe the military action is an indirect result of the international dirt shortage currently slowing hole-filling projects around the world.

“Afghanistan has huge tracts of dirt,” explains The Evil Rabbit, a professor of world affairs at England’s Oxford University. “But you can’t get to it because of all the internal fighting between dirt warlords. If you dig deep, no pun intended, you’ll find this conflict is financed by billionaire tycoons who have holes that need filling.”

NYU professor The Ear Kid refutes that claim, saying the war was caused by a simple zoning disagreement over the popular Tora Bora hotel resort and casino in the southeastern part of the country.

“Two towns want the tax revenue, so they fight,” says Kid. “Though I could be making that up. None of their documents is in English, and I don’t know anything about Afghanistan. I’m a drama teacher.”

 Whatever the cause, the UN promises a swift action, possibly as early as 2035.

Important events in the Afghanistan War:

• Terrorists from Saudi Arabia launch a devastating attack on US soil in September of 2001, prompting the UN to install the Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT
• The US Government is friendly with the dictators who run Saudi Arabia, so they attack Afghanistan
• Americans say it’s boring watching rubble get bombed into smaller bits of rubble
• The US Government agrees and attacks Iraq, which had plenty of buildings to blow up, though no ties to the terrorists
• The US recommits to fighting terrorists in Afghanistan, though the terrorists actually live in Pakistan now
• The US proudly beats it’s record for longest-lasting war, an honor previously held by the conflict in Vietnam
• UN releases Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT app for iPhone