Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Terrorism’

Osama Bin Laden’s Dog Killed by K-9 Specials Ops Soldiers

Posted by oldancestor on May 3, 2011

Fido Bin Laden 2000-2011

By Eric J Baker

ISLAMABAD – U.S. forces scored a second major victory in the war on terror today when K-9 Special Operations forces killed Osama Bin Laden’s dog, Fido, at a secret compound in the mountains of Pakistan. Fido Bin Laden was thought to be Al Qaeda’s second in command after Bin Laden himself, who was killed Sunday in a separate military operation.

In the daring daytime raid on the heavily fortified kennel, K-9 soldiers lured Fido’s bodyguards outside with dog biscuits and tennis balls. With the bodyguards caught fetching, the soldiers stormed the compound and shot Fido in the head during a brief firefight.

Bin Laden’s hamster was also killed.

President Obama broke the news to Americans in a special announcement from the White House this afternoon, which was broadcast live on all the major networks and cable news channels.

“This morning at approximately 7:30 local time, American forces took another step toward closing Al Qaeda’s chapter in history. Fido Bin Laden and his owner, Osama, the twisted twins on the totem pole of terror, are dead,” the President said. “The pooch has been screwed.”

Also present at the press conference was Brigadier General Rin Tin Tin, who authorized the raid.

“Operation Bag Doggie went off without a hitch,” General Tin told members of the White House Press Corps. “We should all be proud of our canine team and what they accomplished today. The bad guys were killed with minimal collateral damage. That’s some accurate shooting. Hell, our boys don’t even have opposable thumbs!”

K-9 Special Ops is a little-known, all-dog branch of the Navy Seals that carries out covert raids involving animals. They were the team responsible for capturing international crime lord Muttley in Morocco in 2002. Muttley died in the Guantanamo Bay detention center in 2004 before he could be brought to trial.

As news of Fido’s death spreads, Americans are taking to the streets in celebration, catching Frisbees in their teeth and humping each other all across the nation.

Pinky Middleton, 38-year-old pet shop owner in Sacramento, California says he plans to have a half-price sale on dog accessories this coming Saturday from 1 to 5 p.m. “I’m calling it, ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ Or maybe, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven… but one.’”

Fido Bin Laden first made headlines in July of 2005 for a failed attack on then President George W. Bush, who was in Germany at the time for an economic summit. Fido managed to breach security provided by local police but was stopped by Secret Service agents. No one was injured, but Fido was able to urinate on an agent’s pant leg before escaping, which cost taxpayers over seven dollars in dry-cleaning bills.

At the time, President Bush was quoted as shouting to his fleeing assailant, “Try that in Texas, you Benji-looking son of a bastard!”

With the deaths of both Bin Ladens this week, the FBI has two vacancies on its Ten Most Wanted List. Interested terrorists can apply by calling 555-FBI LIST.


Today’s image provided by Hanson Anderson of Weird Dude Blog (not for the easily offended). Thanks, Hanson!


Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 67 Comments »

New air security threat: Projectile farting

Posted by oldancestor on December 3, 2010

Feds also on the lookout for “eyeball” bombers

By Eric J Baker

The burrito: Refried death?


WASHINGTON DC – Thousands of underwear bombers were foiled this Thanksgiving holiday at our nation’s airports, thanks to new, high-tech body scanners and good, old-fashioned hand-to-groin searches.  So, in an effort to circumvent the latest airport security screening procedures, the terrorist organization Al Qaeda has unveiled a new, low-tech weapon: Projectile farting.

“It works like this,” says the FBI’s second-most-wanted terrorist, Ayman Al-Zawahiri. “You swallow an exploding bullet, tip-first, and chase it with a cheesy beef burrito and medium Pepsi from Taco Bell. Two hours later, you’re on the plane. You drop your pants, aim at the cockpit door, and – blam! – you’re in.”

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA), the federal agency charged with protecting America’s public transportation systems and passengers, claims it has already taken steps to combat the new threat. TSA spokesperson Pat Downes said at a press conference this morning, “Effective January first, all air passengers must submit to a colonoscopy before boarding a commercial aircraft.”

He also said the food chains Taco Bell and Chipotle, both of which sell burritos, will no longer be allowed to “peddle their terrorist wares” within 15 miles of a U.S. airport.

While the Obama administration says the new measures are simply, “a necessary inconvenience,” not everyone agrees. Lawyers for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) have filed suit against the federal government, claiming that the rules unfairly target Hispanics, working-class Americans, and white-collar workers who eat at Taco Bell but don’t like to admit it.

TSA officials are also dealing with another new threat: Eyeball bombers. While not yet as widespread as projectile farting, eyeball bombing is even more dangerous, as a glass eye packed with C4 explosive can rupture a jetliner’s fuel tank when detonated mid-flight.

In response, airport security screeners will soon be required to poke all travelers in the eyes before allowing them to board, including pilots.

TSA spokesperson Downes told reporters today, “It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just a quick, two-fingered jab, not some attempt to blind you. A couple minutes of watery eyes is worth the peace of mind knowing you’ll have a safe trip.”

ACLU lawyers are urging passengers to refuse the eye poke or prevent it by employing what they call a “stooge block,” which involves raising one’s hand to eye level and turning it until it is perpendicular to the face. When timed correctly, this motion has the effect of stopping the TSA agent’s fingers from making contact (see illustration below).

Protect yourself from unwanted eye poking with the "stooge block."

But travelers should be warned: Any passenger refusing the eye poke is subject to a severe beating with night sticks and a fine of up to $100,000.

Some may question if it air travel has become more trouble than it’s worth, given the nude scanners, crotch groping, anal intrusion, eye poking, beatings, and fines.

All these measures are needed, says Downes, as a reasonable and proportionate response to the thousands of terrorist bombers who attempt to board aircraft in the U.S. every day.

“If people give up air travel, then the terrorists have won,” he says. “Our goal is to preserve freedom.”

Editorial note: The Anvil apologizes for the particularly childish nature of today’s article. We promise a prompt return to the cultured, urbane material we usually present.


Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

New Osama Bin Laden video shows change in Al Qaeda strategy

Posted by oldancestor on October 3, 2010

By Eric J Baker

Bin Laden's new video, Buns of Hatred

PAKISTAN – In a new Al Qaeda video released this weekend, Osama Bin Laden delivered a message to the world: Less cardio and more strength training is the way to go.

“You’ll lose weight from strength training, believe me,” the terrorist mastermind said on the tape, just before leading a 30-minute exercise segment featuring the use of resistance bands and kick boxing with ankle weights.

Bin Laden’s views on a low-carb, high-protein diet are unchanged from previous videos.

Unfortunately for Al Qaeda, the workout tape is only available in VHS format, a factor which is likely to limit sales. In recent years, buyers of home video products have abandoned videotapes in favor of the superior picture and sound offered by DVD and Blu-ray disks. Exercise programs are even available “on demand” from cable companies or streamed via the Internet.

“These guys are so out of touch,” said Diane Getyerfreakon, spokesperson for Netflix, a popular rent-by-mail service. “It’s like they’ve been living in a cave for the past ten years.”

[Update: As this article went to press, it was learned that Ms. Getyerfreakon thought we were discussing the recent bankruptcy of Blockbuster Video, Inc. – Ed.]

When asked to respond to Getyerfreakon’s comments, an unnamed representative for Bin Laden said, “INFIDELS! YOU WILL DIE THE TEN THOUSAND FLAMING DEATHS OF HELL, AND YOUR CHILDREN’S EYE SOCKETS WILL BE RAPED BY GOATS!”

He went on to say, “Hey, man, VHS is making a comeback. Remember when the Great Satan tried so hard to make vinyl go away? Well, you can still buy a turntable. Am I wrong? I didn’t think so.”

No phone listing was found for anyone named Great Satan, but The Anvil was able to contact Evil Bastard, CEO of [classified], the shadowy conglomerate that secretly owns the home-entertainment and consumer-electronics industries, and ask him what he thought of Al Qaeda’s claim.

“The return of VHS, eh? Pretty laughable,” he said. “Those clowns can’t even hold a camcorder without shaking the sh*t out of it, so what do they know?”

Bastard added, “Still, if I want VHS to make a comeback, it will. I decide what people want and don’t want. If I say, ‘type the next paragraph in donkey language,’ you will.”

He-haw. He-haw he-haw he-haw, “He-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw he-haw.” He-haw he-haw he-haw heeeee-haaaaaw.

Al Qaeda’s once-popular fitness videos first gained attention from consumers around nine years ago with the release of the 20-minute Monkey Bar Workout, which involves swinging across a set of monkey bars in billowy cotton robes with a rifle slung across the shoulder, then running to the back of the line and doing it again. For a while, the terror organization marketed a clothing line modeled on the robes, which advertisements promised would, “wick away sweat while encouraging ventilation.”

Competition is fiercer for Al Qaeda these days. In addition to the array of home-video formats to contend with, other organizations have started producing workout videos, flooding a market that often gravitates toward the new and different.

Afghanistan’s Taliban group has already released three volumes in its popular Tali-Bo series, and Al-Qaeda-in-Iraq’s Low-Impact Insurgency has sold well. But perhaps the greatest threat to Bin Laden’s fitness video business comes from the CIA’s Predator Drone workout DVD entitled, One-second Weight Loss.



Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Domestic annoyist attempts to stink up Times Square with fertilizer

Posted by oldancestor on May 5, 2010



By Eric J Baker


New York, site of the attempted attack, is bigger than this map suggests

NEW YORK – FBI agents thwarted an annoyist attack in Manhattan yesterday, arresting a man just as he was about to dump a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer onto the sidewalk. If the attempt had been successful, hundreds or even thousands of pedestrians would have grimaced, or worse.

The man, identified by the FBI as 40-year-old Muslim-Catholic F. Azziz-O’Rourke of Jersey City, is thought to have acted alone. Local authorities became suspicious and called in federal agents when they noticed a farm tractor hauling a wagon southbound on Seventh Avenue. The cargo was initially thought to be a bomb made from fertilizer but turned out to be just fertilizer.

“I was terrified,” said Park Avenue resident Courtney Rockefeller-Trump, who witnessed the arrest. “My sweater is cashmere. What if some of that [expletive] had gotten on it?”

Several bystanders quoted an NYPD officer at the scene saying, “There’s nothing to see here,” and “move along.”

Neighbors in Azziz-O’Rourke’s apartment feigned disinterest when questioned, though many were likely hiding deep feelings of shock and vulnerability. He was a man most of them trusted around their children, possibly.

“Azziz? Who the hell is that?” said a man in the next-door apartment who declined to give his name. When shown a photograph, he insisted on continuing the charade. “Nope.”

Neighbor Mira Goldstein remembers a chilling encounter with the would-be annoyist.

“That’s the [expletive] who took my laundry out of the washer downstairs and left it on a dirty table,” she said, adding, “I hope they hang him.”

In an eerie coincidence, the federal government chose yesterday to unveil to reporters its latest public alert system, which is meant to replace the previous color-coded warnings implemented following the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Americans may recall the threat level often became stuck on Orange (elevated), particularly around election time.

“People complained that the color coding didn’t really provide any practical value,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano at the press conference. “This time, we’re offering recommendations.”

An image of the chart taken with a Hardy Boys’ Super Neato Spy Camera appears below.

Not-at-all illegally obtained copy of new "threat" chart.

When pressed for further information, Secretary Napolitano admitted her department created the new alert system in order to continue receiving funding for new alert systems.

“If you actually try to improve efficiency and spend less money in Washington, they run you out of town,” she said moments before removing a flask from her purse and taking a swig of what can only be assumed was ‘Keep-America-Safe’ juice.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Radical Pagans threaten Clash of the Titans filmmakers

Posted by oldancestor on April 23, 2010



By Eric J Baker


ATHENS – A radical Pagan group calling itself The Twelve Labors posted a warning on its website yesterday for Warner Brothers Studios and the filmmakers behind the current box office hit, Clash of the Titans.

According to the site, Pagans are offended at the depiction of the underworld god Hades in the film, who is shown to be violent and vindictive.

“Hades is not Satan,” says the website in an open-letter format to Warner Brothers. “He’s an unhappily married god with the [expletive deleted] job of managing the underworld. He’s sort of a sitcom character.”

A photo on the website shows the ruins of an ancient Greek temple over a caption that reads, “This will be you!”

Malcolm Jamal-Warner and Dr. Joyce Brothers, co-founders of Warner Brothers Studios, issued a joint response that was anything but contrite:

“We made a Greek mythology movie. And we wish to go on making Greek mythology movies until your heads spin and you seethe with such fury that your hearts explode and your souls whither, but not before you suffer the torment of ten-thousand screaming deaths.”

Two Clash sequels are already in the works, Another Clash of the Titans and Harold and Kumar go to Sparta.

“We don’t like the word ‘mythology,’” says mainstream Pagan Pinky Middleton of Charon’s Crossing, Iowa. “But other than that, people need to chill. I think these radicals are a bit, you know, radical.”

Middleton is one of many Roman Pagans who are generally viewed as more tolerant than their Greek counterparts. Rather than issue a death threat when offended, Romans traditionally demand the offending party go to the ends of the Earth to find and retrieve a golden ram’s fleece. This practice has largely fallen by the wayside in recent years, as golden rams are endangered and would-be hunters risk a poaching conviction, which can carry a fine of $100,000 dollars and five years in prison.

“The gods are angry,” counters television personality, talent extraordinaire, and radical Greek Pagan Paula Abdul. “Release the Kraken!”

A call to Mount Olympus seeking information about Krakens was not returned.

This latest incident follows a string of recent religious controversies, including radical Muslims threatening South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone earlier this week, radical Christians threatening Jews during the Spanish Inquisition, and radical atheists threatening courthouse plaques.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »